The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Well I am new to this community. Hello all. I am just starting my treatment after surgery, but I have to say, one of the things that makes me stew is:
"But other than that, are you enjoying your time off?". Also,
"Well, it's really MUCH harder for the mothers who have children who are sick", and
"I'm willing to be here for you. But if you let me come visit, I can get something out of it too"
Just have to smile and remind myself not to tell them how stupid they sound.
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Cancer has made me more sarcastic and quick-witted. I didnt think that was even possible........
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Welcome SHOCK'D sorry u have to be here but it a good place to vent, laugh (we do) and just talk about lods of things. I like that one--so other than that hiw are u enjoying u'r time off. It's so stupid it's funny.
REALITY funny comeback, we'll all use it--If we can remember it.
SHAYNE--I've alwas been sarcastic and now I am worse--
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me, I am just not patient with folks anymore, guess I have always been sarcastic but of late, no patience for certain people....as in my family, they ran when I was diagnosed
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My family ran too and I have become a harder person. I'm stunned when someone can find the "gift" in breast cancer or that it made their life better. How shitty was thier life before that breast cancer was the GOOD thing to happen? Seirously? I appreciated life before and lived in the moment, but now I live in my shortened future and my anger and illness has made me bitter. What cancer do I need to get to fix THAT???
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I met with a financial planner recently as I really want to figure out how to retire. Lordie but those folks want you to plan as it to live till you are 100......as if that is likely? sides I would like to enjoy whatever small amount of money I have saved, who wants to leave it to the whatevers? I live from mamo to mamo
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Barbe I can't imagine someone saying that cancer was a good thing to happen to them, but I have heard it too. Well they can have mine too then they'll be an even better person.
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Ill throw in mine!! Triple better person!!
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Okay, this one kind of hurt.
My secretary is a BC survivor, about two years before me. She didn't know much about her cancer, had a team approach allowing her sisters to make her treatment decisions for her. She had a lumpectomy, radiation and chemo. She was off work for 6 months. She did not talk about it and is a very private person. This was now 3 years ago.
When I was diagnosed and I am not such a private person, I had to take off work for several weeks, choosing a BMX with TE and later implants. I chose BMX instead of lumpectomy for several reasons, one of which was to avoid radiation if at all possible, one was due to the slightly lesser chance of recurrence. I had no radiation and no chemo.
I recently had my exchange and had some complications. I was expected to be off work 3 wks. At my first f/u appointment we noted complications and I was hospitalized. When I let her know I would be out longer due to complicatoins her response was "SEE, THIS IS WHY I HAD A LUMPECTOMY, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN".
Why did that comment hurt so much? I guess because she is openly challenging my choice of treatments.
She recently had a lump found on her mammo and had to have a biopsy. I did not throw that in her face. I could have said to her "see, that's why I chose BMX, because I don't want to worry as much about recurrence." But I didn't.
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SheChirple: You didn't because you are a mature adult. She, obviously, is not.
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Maybe you SHOULD have thrown it in her face!!! I'm sure she realizes that now, though. I can see why that would hurt!!
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I can't believe she said that! That's like saying it's your own fault for making the 'wrong' decision. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to speak to other humans.
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Lumpectomy vs mast... I went with lump, back in 2003 and now wonder if I could have avoided having cancer a second time. But second guessing now just stinks. There is no way to know. It was the right choice then and I had 7 years with the girls before they betrayed me. There was a decent chance they wouldn't, but it seems I'm like a medical Murphy's law poster child. I wasn't ready for mast back then. When the time came, the decision to get rid of all breast tissue was clear even though the left side had never been a problem.
So now when people ask, are ya gonna get BIG ONES?! I just wanna say no, size isn't what matters, just some that won't try to kill me.0 -
mebmarj, I like that comeback! "Just some that won't try to kill me, please."
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I'd just like a vacation from thinking about boobs, cancer, statistics, blah, blah,blah.
But there it is in the mirror every stinking day. And if by chance I forget for a few minutes while occupied with another activity, my damn TEs get in the way or some numbskull asks, " how are yoooouuuuu?" or "wow, your hair grew back so thick!" or I see some crap in the store plastered with pink ribbons, cause here comes October girls. I move we skip October this year and move straight to November. All in favor?0 -
Mebmarj, Wonderful Comeback! That's all any of us BC sister's want!
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I look like a blow-fish, I have 1cm of hair, burn-gauze all over my radio burns and I get "you look great/wonderful/good" it makes me want to scream.
I have decided people say it because it is too hard for us to reply "no, I feel like cr*p, my boobs hurt and this sucks".
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Barbe ==I would have said it. SHE- You have great patience and kindness.
Michelle--hahahahaha some people shouldn't be allowed to speak LOL and I agree--over the last few yrs. I've heard rhings people say to me and others and it just is too much.
U'd think u'd get used to it but u can't it's to absurd
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MY post away (19-20) back about family statistics left out that it was a dumbest in reverse. Meaning when I informed the family, that the whole family should be under surveillance for BC, colin CA, LiverCA, Uterine(all present within that side of the familyin the women) Many have blown off the statistics. A genetisist did the official genetic tree with all the symbols genetisist use. The women have a greater than 1 in 2 chances of developing one of the above cancers. Taking those kinds of statistics, to not start and maintain surrveilance, is a dumbest reponse.
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Mebmarj and Riley , with the above statistics in mind,when the surgeon asked if Iwanted a MX or BMX my respone was the same " Both they are just time bombs waiting to go off to kill me"
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SasI think more women are just saying get rid of them BUT I honestly don't understand all of this.I know I've posted this before---so I' sorry for me repeating--My mom had a dble mast. in 1956 and after no chemo, rads or meds of any kind--they said we hae it all. That was that.I'm sure there were plenty of women that had it, but not like today--my mom was considered youngish (in her mid 40's) and they didn't have all the test that they have oday soo all these yrs later its like so many more women and men get this now and so much research has been done why in the world are 20 year olds getting this--how far has research gone? I would think that all the research would have come further alon since my moms tie and BTW my mom lived another 45 yrs with no incident. And she was then 1 of all these people we knew that had it. At least 25 urs later my aunt on the other side of my family had one breast taken--again no chemo, rads, or meds and she died 2 yrs ago, And they never had after side effects they were fine. This without years of big ime reseach. So it's a maze to me people giving money, time and doing whatever to raise money for all the research there are many more going thru alot more than people years ago did. I'm not saying people didn't die from it they must have bt people now die from it Oh my aunt had colon cancer was operated on and nothing being treated aft. Lived many more yrs. I' not saying chemo, rads aren't needed or not good for us to have. I just don't et it..
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It entirely depends upon what kind of cancer it is. TNs have a higher rate of recurrence (and that recurrence is more likely to be mets), so TNs are STRONGLY urged to get chemo to kill any microscopic buggers floating around under the radar, so to speak. HER2+ are strongly urged to take Herceptin, as it's not a BC to mess around with, either.
Other cancers are slow moving, slow-spreading, and removal may be all that's needed. You can't simply lump all cancers (and especially not all breast cancers) together. This is why research is urgently needed and needs to be funded. It's not one beast, it's hundreds.
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Riley---believe me I do understand that b/c is the the monsterwith all the headsand arms--andthey have come along way--but I think with all of everything available that it should be further along--but I'm not one to have a lot of correct opinions on this. LOL I'm just someone that wonders why there aren't more answers than there are.Ever since I saw the movie about the Dr. who created Herceptin I wonder more because they did not want to give hime help for his ideas he believed in and had some proof for it--He was privately funded to go on with his research and that's why I question what'sbeing done. And years before I read a story (true) why a cancer research Dr. quit---and to him when one of them was gettin aead on something that was an important part of research they would cancel that research and the researchers would fight for it and the biger Cos. would no longer fund them. And this Dr. thought it was a crime that they were doing this, but got no where in his quest to prove it.0
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Camille you have lot's of questions in your post. They are all very good questions. I'm sure it will generate allot of posts. !956, it was highly unusual to have a BMX. You don't say if evidence of disease was in both breast, or only one with the second breast being an elective. Also, in those days a radical mastectomy was done, which was removal of underlying muscle, can't remember how many nodes were taken, but that would be a quick google. The transition to Modified radical mastectomy was the next phase, it left the muscles intact and took the breast. Nodes dissection while mastectomy was being done, varied as to number taken from surgeon to surgeon. In the 70's frozen section done on the nodes closest too the breast, was done while the patient was on the table. If the nodes were clear on frozen section the surgery was complete. If they weren't, more nodes were excised until NED by frozen section report was received from the pathologist. Next phase, started in 1996 when the completion of the multicenter study of sentinel node injection became the Standard of Care. OCD me, now to your Mom, the real answer is who knows? Why did she survive with NED after that, anyone answering that question that says " It was b/c of this" or "IT was b/c of that" Is truly only quessing. Your Aunt if she is the same Aunt that had colin CA, it was likely mets from Breast caught early b/c if it had invaded to the nodes she should have had another distant recurrence, likely the liver. But she didn't. Also, she could of had a new primary colin site that wasn't mets from the breast. Either way she survived without further intervention. Again no one can definitely say why for the same reason I sited for your Mom. Sorry, I want the bold button off now and it wont' work. Then the chemo/ rads era became the Standard of Care with the development of drugs in the 70's. My first year of nursing school, I was giving a drug that was an"Ivestigational"drug, had a hell of time fighting to get the name of the drug and expected s.e.'s. "How can I give a drug that I don't know what it's s.e's are as well as how it acts" that was 1971 and it was 5FU. Today that would be considered a protocol breach of the trial. I was pain in the ass then too. Diverging. Don't remeber when Rads started , but the equipment was available in the hospital I worked at in the 80's. Research had to have started in the 70's perhaps before. LIkely before that, I would quess 50's. The research was ongoing, studies published, treatment protocols developed that became the Standard of Care(SOC). Patients advised as too treatment based on SOC. A member here , I would use her screen name but don't remember, quoted a physician (paraphrase, but close enough) "What does it mean when I am using the same protocols as I did 30 years ago". That's a huge statement regarding ADVANCEMENT in care or put another way no advancement in care. The numbers produced by staticians can play with the numbers, depending how the question related to the stats is asked . What we do know is the number related to how many women/men are getting BC has dramatically increased. That's goes back to why I felt analysis of the cluster in my family, was such a huge loss from a genetic research point of view. National Accepted stat for all women is 1:8. My family was less than 1:2 for BC, but greater than 1:2, if all CANCERs were factored in. Cancers have a predictable origin which also explains why they mets to predictable body areas. There are three original embryonic cells Endoderm, Mesoderm,Ectoderm. All body parts arise from these cells. The breast, liver,bone,brain,uterus/ovaries all originate from the same embryionic cell. Plus, when I said their was a sex linkage based on the difference in cancers between male 1:24 and female 10:19 cousins. Huge research boo-boo. Because if there is an identified linkage, it's easier to find the gene. All 10 of the female cousins had cancer related to the same embryionic cell. So, theoretically, there is something in the females genes XX as opposed to the males XY. Perhaps,way to much information.
hmmm bold went off by itself--who understands this not me Realized my count was off, it was 10/19 female cousins, but don't have energy to correct. Okay OCD kicked in, I'll do it for this post. Sheesh, just to way over the top OCD, corrected other posts.
Last thought about Standard of Care(SOC). Originally, SOC was local, then advanced to regional. In the middle 1980's the government created the "Agency on Health Care Policies and Research" The agencies mission was to establish "National SOC" to assure that everyone was receiving the same SOC throughout the country. Once a SOC has been established, it takes a great amount of "evidence based reseach" to change it. That is a slow process.
Camille, how much of this answered your questions, I don't know. Hope it helped. sheila/sassy
Edited after reading riley's post---Don't know what it means , but I'll just add it. All the women that had BC on the Paternal side that were tested were Er+ Pr- HER- and BRAC neg Age range at diagnosis late 30's to late 60's. Can't verify age of last Aunt dx'd late 60'early 70's, super advanced at time of dx. Doesn't,effectively, change info. Again someone jump in with explanation if you have one.
Also, if you find any info in post misstated. Tell me and I will correct. Don't want incorrect info hanging around in BCO land.
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Sasu aaze me all the time!!! Thank u for the time u spent explaining and I get it better now Wow---I know my sister is her- as is her dgtr and I am her + like my cousin--so we have mixed up stuff here too. See why I am so confused cuz too we all had different types and treated differently. My faily is as goofy as I am. All B/C so I know there are different types LOL Thank u Sas
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Camille
sassy Riley
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I have something that I have been holding onto for awhile because it really hurt, but I couldn't explain to anyone why.
I was diagnosed in early Sept last year, wow, thinking back, it was this time last year that I was going through all the mammos and biopsy and planning for surgery. Anyway, I was off work after surgery October 22 until January after Christmas break.When I came back to work, I was tired, but glad to be back doing what I love, teaching. I work in the middle school, it can be stressful, I just had to learn to use time away from the children to meditate and relax. So about February, a teacher at the high school, went on medical leave. About 2 weeks after that, a letter came out from our superintendent that he was diagnose with cancer, lymphoma, if I remember right. And that they were doing a few fundraisers for him at the high school.
I was hurt. I mean, here I was struggling to pay my bills, docked pay because of using time that considered unpaid time and no one threw fundraisers for me!!!! I was asked if I was going to the first one, a spegetti dinner. I said no, I couldn't afford it. I was told that I of all people should be supportive since I have been through this twice! I said, yeah, well had I known that the superintendent would have thrown a fundraiser for me, I'd have more money to be supportive!!! I am kind of hurt that they are doing this for him and not nothing for me. Then the person said, well they have a family to support!!!
That is when I lost it. I said, his wife is still working, yes they are down a paycheck, I get that, but she still has a job. As does he, just he is on medical leave, and just like me, is getting paid, albeit less than normal, but paid non the less. Also I also have a family. Just because I live alone does not mean that I give less support to my children. My daughter and son are in college, I send them food, money, pay their rent when they need it paid, etc. As well as helping my oldest daughter to pay for her decductibles on her husband's insurance for surgeries she needed this past year. I could have used some help from our staff to pay my own bills!!!!!
I was told it was different. My response was, yes, because I do not have a penis! and walked away0 -
OH kerrberlady!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! Did you really say all that?? I am SO proud of you!!! I would have just walked away and not had the balls to say anything and then kicked myself later. You did GREAT!!!!!!! Of course you are hurt!!! And YOU are right in this situation!! When my BFF from 43 years ago (we only see each other once a year or so) found out I had breast cancer, she had a fundraiser for an old lady in her building that got diagnosed!!! And didn't even invite me! We don't have co-pays in Canada, so I don't know what she was thinking. To this day she doesn't know that I know..... But YOU, you I am SO proud of.
But I know that doesn't help the pain. I hope that person passed it on PROPERLY so that others can see why you're not contributing!
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kerrberlady
That was pretty thoughtless I wouldn't have gone either.
I was with a friend shopping yesterday and we were at different check outs and I looked over to see an old neighbor (who is totally spun BTW). Now bear in mind I have a ball cap on, not quite ready to go totally topless. She yells across the aisles, "OMG you cut off all your hair, WHY!??" I just reponded, "needed a change". My friend is totally rolling her eyes LOL. I couldn't be bothered getting into it with her.
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Stormy - feel free to use my line anytime! Here's another comment I often hear: "I hope they got it all". I know the people who say this mean to be supportive, but I want to tell them thanks a lot for reinforcing one of my greatest fears!
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