The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Love this thread!! I just finished active treatment. Thank God. I'm always getting the did they get it all?? Are y cured? Are they going to be doing any scans? Ugh. And now with my hair growing in I get all the raves about my great new hairstyle! Seriously?! Someone said I look like a movie star. Get real.
But the all time best is that via fb I recently was invited to a BRA party!! Yes after having a BMx. Just what I'd like to attend. Too funny. Love to all. Gotta keep laughing or ill be crying!!!!0 -
Warning, long post: Ok, I should be able to let this slide, because obviously he doesn't know better, but... but...
My husband, who has serious emotional issues of his own, mostly wrapped around me, has not been able to come to terms with my decision to have a BMX. Tried to pressure me out of it (even after two lumpectomies failed to give me clean margins). Keeps trying to convince me I did the wrong thing. Writes to "someone" (I'm not meant to know who, most likely not even someone real) this text, and sends me a copy:
"Remember I mentioned to you that it's hard enough already. A woman's hair, her "beauty" is of course gone cuz of the chemo. Ok, it'll come back. Not her fault. So God took one breast but that doesn't excuse her for unilaterally and secretly deciding to to take the other in the name of "symmetry" and a very slight marginal increase in long term odds ands some diminution in worry. Done without keeping me in the loop. I found out about it by accident and it was a done deal then. [He doesn't mean that I actually did anything before informing him, but that I didn't include him in the decision-making. No kidding, I didn't want heavy pressure!] That decision was made so rashly [after much thought and consultation with others] that an expensive out of network doctor decision [my own money] was glossed over when there is no indication whatsoever that an in-network doctor would have been any different [except that my own breast surgeon didn't know of any of the in-network names, and highly recommended this plastic surgeon]. Sorry to be blunt, but there is no comparison whatsoever between an artificial breast and a natural one. Meanwhile there are no nipples either. She has aged physically tremendously in a short time as well. [Hello, I'm not older, just seriously anemic from chemo!] I try to overlook these physical matters, but her lack of libido, and her priorities overpowers it all. She doesn't take anything to help withthat tho it's a well-known side effect. No interest to do so. If she had no energy or was in pain I'm no boor, but there is plenty of energy to do other things."
And on and on and on. I have learned to let a lot slide, saying "He's ill", but this was really - IMHO - mean. Even if he really didn't send it to "someone", just to me. I just had to vent. Thanks for your support.
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Ablydec, holy crap! What would happen if you printed "your copy" (?!?!?!), showed it to him and then lit it on fire?
Oh wait, this may be why I am no longer married. Plus I know you said he's sick. I'll be quiet now.
Phyllis0 -
Abyldec vent away His issues or not are still very heartless!!!!!! It was/is very hurtfull! From what you say it sounds like no matter what you say he will never get "IT" no matter what you say! I'm so sorry that the one that is to be with you in "sickness" is NOT! Life trumps ALL!
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I knew you guys would get it. So glad I found you. I have come a long way in not wasting energy trying to get him to be understanding, or at times even rational, but sometimes... sheesh. Thanks!
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Timbek2--I've had bilateral recon with very notable difference in skin color, and no nips. I would LOVE to go to a Bra Party, just to see the reactions! I understand how your feel, though, there was a time I felt that way, too.
Ablyldec--your husband needs serious help. It's all about what HE wants, it's all about HIM. That is mean, crazy, and inexcusable. He needs repeated doses of brick therapy (application of a brick to his head from a distance of 3 feet with considerable force). Yeesh.
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NativeMainer -- you are so right. Sometimes (usually) it seems that he doesn't even realize I am a separate person at all. He feels that he's being amazingly supportive, because he runs out and gets tons of Things, whether I want them or not. (eg. I'm anemic, so he gets a HUGE bag of spinach from Costco, but I actually can't really eat it, because my taste buds are off, and he will be furious if I throw it out before it's disgusting). But he was OUTRAGED that I spoke to someone before him about my illness (his own sister, who is wonderful), and OUTRAGED that I would make the decision (about BMX vs. UMX) on my own. He says, "That causes a complete loss of sensation" about MY body! Um, I think that would be my call! It would be funny if it weren't true. (Maybe it's still funny.)
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Ablydec--- what the heck.
Relationships and coping at the same time... Hard.0 -
Ablyldec--there are psychological disorders that create situations like you describe in your husband. He probably does see you as extension of himself. The big tip off is the way he focused on loss of sensation rather than the fact that bc can be life threatening. He doesn't have cancer, so he has no concern about death, so his primary focus drives his thinking, and his primary focus seems to be pleasure. I wonder how he'd react if I pointed out to him that death causes a complete lack of sensation, too? Jerk.
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I read on facebook. My friend told her suicidal daughter that if she had cancer she wouldn't want to go throught it alone. duhhhh
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reply to NativeMainer "... that death causes a complete lack of sensation too". Very funny- Great answer!
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A good family friend said 'everyone has cancer, you almost feel left out if you don't have it'
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Did you tell her you would be glad to let her have your share if it were possible?
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See, the thing about OUR breasts and what we choose to do to treat the cancer is visible to the world. Whereas when men go through prostate or testicular treatment people don't generally look at their crotch. Right?
In another rationale, would anyone argue about taking part of the colon for cancer there? How about the thyroid?
Then they shouldn't second guess our decisions on lumpectomy vs mastectomy or any treatment for that matter. It doesn't make us any less a woman or who we were before cancer. We are the ones that get cut, chemo'd and rads.
It sucks to have to make the decision, but you have to go with your gut, as well as the best information and guidance available.
I once felt bad for being a little snippy after someone inquired about my lack of hair at a cancer event. "What kind did you have?" I answered "boobie" and that shut them up. Maybe inappropriate but didn't know them at all and didn't want to elaborate.
Cancer sucks, until one has been there and done it, they have no idea really.0 -
Friend 1, less than 24 hours after I was diagnose (and when I still thought a BC diagnosis meant I had a few months to live): "We found out my friend had cancer and 2 months later he died."
Friend 2, when I realized I was no longer a lumpectomy candidate: "If I had a mastectomy I wouldn't reconstruct either. I have small boobs anyway. It would be awesome to never wear a bra again. I'd go around topless." I'm sure she was trying to be reassuring/supportive but it came out sounding like me-me-me... and really trivalized what I was going through!
Friend 3, a week after hearing my diagnosis & when I had to contact HIM because he hadn't called to check in or anything: "Well, now we'll have to buy pink ribbon keychains and hats." THAT is how you show support to someone just diagnosed with cancer????
My surgeon, after my BMX (no reconstruction): "Your scars look great. Of course, you're not as beautiful as you were before..."
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indenial - call me in denial too! I can't believe you had to deal with 4 such clueless, thoughtless people, and one of them a health professional too!
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Indenial
That surgeon was sounding less beautiful by the minute!0 -
Omg some horrible and dumb comments people make!
My co-worker today tells me "You are stage 1. That's almost like NOT even having cancer at all! That's like stage 0 and I don't know why you let it stress you out so much!"
Ummmm hello yes my cancer is stage 1, I had invasive cancer and DCIS, I lost both my breasts and was on the borderline of needing chemo. I have to live the rest of my life worrying if/when it may come back. My cancer could have killed me! Sorry if I don't agree with you. Just hope YOU never have to deal with a cancer that is NO big deal as you put it!
Ugh where is the stupid button when you need it?! Lol
Jen0 -
Yep, cancer is "no big deal" anymore with all the freakin ribbons, walks, runs and "awareness" right? Until it happens to them personally, they don't get it. "I'd just have those puppies lopped off and be done with it." Ha! Easy to say but much harder in reality.
Here people get it, cause they've had it or their loved one has it. And if they're here and offended by what they read here, they're probably a bystander who doesn't get it.
On a more positive note, my church is having a benefit dinner to go directly to families in our church undergoing treatment. I'm happy they'll receive direct benefit from the occasion.0 -
Best thing for people to do is not say anything or they will insert a foot, some not meaning to others are just plain stupid. The comments about knowing someone who died of cancer are the worst and most stupid of all comments I hear. We are all going to die of something.
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"You are stage 1. That's almost like NOT even having cancer at all! That's like stage 0 and I don't know why you let it stress you out so much!"
You know, you are absolutely right. I am SO glad to know that you will cope so much better than me when YOU get breast cancer!
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"You are stage 1. That's almost like NOT even having cancer at all! That's like stage 0 and I don't know why you let it stress you out so much!"
Oh my God, I never thought of it that way! You are so right, multiple tests, surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and 5 years of hormonal therapy are NOTHING! Why, there isn't even any risk to any of that treatment! Why did I not see that earlier? Thank you so much for sharing your experience with breast cancer. When were you diagnosed?
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Oh, dear, I seem to be rather snarky tonight!
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love the snarky.... hee hee
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My brothers girlfriend has to take the biscuit for being a dumbo...out for a meal with them (((( HOW are you???i am fine.....so your not carrying it around with YOU....rearly felt like slapping her.... cannot even look this women in the eye ..xx
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I wish I knew who the ignoramous is that wrote the letter to the Health Department complaining that I have a "contagous desease" that I am "exposing vulnerable seniors to by volunteering to cook at our Senior Center". The Health Department of course had to send someone out to check.
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chabba ....what is wrong with these people!!!!!!!!!!
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Native love the snarkiness! I find it refreshing that I no longer sit back and put up with ignorant people's comments anymore. Guess having breast cancer just makes you not give a s**t if you offend someone who obviously knows nothing about the disease!
Comment yesterday from my cardiologist: "I think mammograms are overrated and they are doing too many unnecessarily!" Hmm really cuz my mammogram detected my bc and saved my life!
Maybe what should be happening is giving mammos to the young girls in their twenties with a family history. Too many young ladies getting diagnosed too late! Just my two cents.....
Jen0 -
the screen was tilted toward me so i calmly watched as my tumor appeared on the screen - put me down as one who is grateful for the mammogram....
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Hello to all - so sorry I deserted you for awhile, (especially you, Barbe!) As some of you may recall, I thought I had decided to go for it with Mistletoe treatment. My Onc was supportive, but investigated the practioner I had planned to go to, and found that his reputation in VT was not very convincing. My onc did admit that recent research has shown some "promising" results for future use of mistletoe, but that enough trials have not been done to make successes conclusive. In addition, it's not FDA approved, so my insurance company will not cover the cost. (They will pay for the office visits, but not the mistletoe). I was actually not ready to give up conventional (if we can call the hit and miss of chemo, "conventional"), meds. I had just allowed myself to be talked into it by some well-meaning people. So, in summary, I missed my onc team and went running back. I tried carbo/gem, but blood counts could not take it. I tried Gemzar alone, and was very pleased with the mildness of Se's, but had to self inject neupogen - (Neupogen hell is what I call it - instant horrific side effects for me - worse than AC!! imagine that!). But no, Gemzar was too easy, so my body reacted by allowing lung mets to go on their merry way and grow, ALOT.
I am starting Xeloda today - last resort as far as meds go, per my Onc. I wasn't really scared when I wanted to stop treatment four months ago, but now that Onc is considering it, I am scared....
Missed you all - Sorry I have rattled on - cant sleep as I am nervous about the X. I have been posting on the X site - the people there are wonderful!
Sherry
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