The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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My SIL told me she knew how I felt when I was diagnosed since she has lyme disease. I thought that was a pretty stupid thing to say to me. But I ignore and move on.
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I just saw my sister for the first time since I was diagnosed. The topic of my cancer came up and she said "oh I forgot you went through all that".
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artist, nooooo. Omg that's one for the books. Yikes!
My sister told me I shouldn't tell her anything until I it's so bad that I have to. That way she can pretend I dont have cancer. She says she prefers denial, you know so she doesn't have to feelbad. Poor baby.
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Artista- tell her to bring it next time she visits so you can put it in your guest room.
Freya- lol on the forehead slap.0 -
They say laughter is the best medicine - keep 'em coming, ladies! These comments are just hysterical - and unbelievable!
MJ
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I cringe when I see the "after a long battle with cancer" line in obits. I cringe when I am looking at medical records (I'm a nurse) and see "the patient failed first line chemo therapy" in the treatment history. That is BS. The patient did not fail anything, medical care failed the patient. The record should say "the oncologist failed the patient by choosing an ineffective first line chemotherapy treatment." How things are said or written has a very large, in often unnoticed effect on people's attitude. Like Freya said, it was never a fair fight from the beginning.
Carpe diem--I'm so glad the targeted therapy is going betting for you. I really think that is the way of the future, and I pray it leads to a cure and then to a prevention someday. I won't see it in my lifetime, but some day.
Freya--I've always wanted to ask people how they know what God is thinking, hoping they would say they have some special connection so I could get them to get me a cure and take back all the he## I've been through with treatment.It's too rude to try, but I sure want to sometimes!
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Or even how about no one failed anything? Sometimes things happen and treatments don't work. We are ultimately not in control, or things like cancer would not exist.
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Artist....did you laugh outloud that she could be so stupid or bitch slap her. As the old saying goes....with friends like her, who needs enemies
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I've a good one.
While sympathising with my SIL about her breast biopsy (which thankfully turned out to be inflammation), she asked me about my breast cancer and what size the lump had been.
When I replied 1.75cm, she couldn't contain her surprise and gasped .... Gosh!!!that's really tiny........
Really !!!!!!!!! You can have it then
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gb2115- truer words never spoken. The whole lack of control about some things during cancer treatment has been the crux of what's difficult for me to accept.
goodprognosis- eek, sorry your SIL gasped about that. IMO, no cancer is a good cancer.
Finally, just wanted to roll my eyes at a text that someone sent me about her getting a pimple on her forehead. She knows I've been going through cancer treatment and dealing with the indignities of what treatment does to your body. But she had the gall to text me, "My body has betrayed me!" Boy, she has no idea how bad it can be...
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Happened to my 34-year niece. When sharing with someone about the emotional experience of being diagnosed with breast cancer, they replied, 'I understand, I had the flu last week'!
Yep, the flu and breast cancer are a good comparison !?!
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Reading the comments from you guys just makes me shake my head and bang my forehead! I just finished my radiation today and so I've been in this long enough now to have acquired a few of these comments. My latest was yesterday. I was outside in the yard and my neighbor pulled into the driveway. Wanted to say hi and see how I was doing with rads. Told her excitedly 1 more treatment to go and that I was very lucky that so far I was doing great with it all and was just looking forward to it coming to an end. She said so no tiredness - I said no not yet. She said so your skin isn't burned - I said no so far so good - just slightly pink. At that point she said well, I'm sure things will get much worse once you finish the treatment. WTH was that?????
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Freya - Agreed that card you got was the most insensitive piece of garbage - EVER!! I also hate the usual expressions like you stated "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" (oh yeah tell that to the ones who have taken their own lives); or "everything happens for a reason" (oh yeah tell that to ALL people who have illnesses they have not "asked for"). Even my pastor does not believe that everything happens for a reason. I used to hate it when I would cry at my oncologist's office after being newly dx'd and the nurse navigator standing in would tell me not to have a "pity party". WTF - you're telling me how to feel now? She would also say to keep "positive" as if that would earn me a better outcome/prognosis. Wow. I have lost two dear friends to BC who had the most upbeat attitudes.
As far as the obituary sentence "He/she lost her battle w/cancer", it was never a fair fight in the first place !! I just lost my husband of 22 years to lung cancer on Christmas Day. I have LOTS of rants in my toolbox to unload.
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I got a free wig today from the American Cancer Society. A volunteer worked with me for an hour to find one closest to my own hair, and was so nice. I came home and put it on, and my husband said, "Oh, looks dykey." And that was all he said before he looked back at his computer.
1. homophobic 2. insensitive. 3. it is the same hairstyle I already have. and 4. WTF?
I wanted to leave immediately and go hang out with the volunteer again.
In general, he is a great guy, not a jerk, but doesn't always filter thoroughly. I am more understanding about it when I am not in treatment for cancer.
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goodprognosis: Is she familiar with the metric system? Perhaps she thought you'd said millimetre.
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I'm going to have to find another gym! Today one of the regulars at my gym (with more Botox than body fat) ambled over to me & said "Did you have breast cancer? I read that you can get that from drinking water from those plastic bottles (gesturing to the Evian bottle in my hand)?" (Seriously? She actually reads?)
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JKL, she needed that plastic bottle inserted somewhere the sun doesn't shine, if you get my drift!
Shelly, I am so sorry you lost your husband (((hugs))). Life really is not fair.
Llamalady, you have an idiot for a neighbour.
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Ilamalady--WTH indeed! I know many women get through rads without a great deal of difficulty, then there are people like me who wound up having so much radiation damage that I ultimately opted for a mastectomy. There's no predicting how any individual will respond to a treatment, and to imply that the patient has ANY control of the treatment or the outcome is LUDICROUS. And drives me crazy.
Shelly--that a health professional employed in a position of working with people newly diagnosed with life threatening illness would say something like that is unconscionable. Just wrong.As to the "lost his/her battle with cancer" line, it should be "Medicine failed to cure him/her of cancer despite millions of dollars and decades of research." Or what I think is actually most accurate "He/she's life was made miserable and then ultimately shortened by barbaric treatment for cancer despite millions of dollars and decades of research."
They say only a rat can win the rat race. Does that mean that only people who want to get cancer can win the battle against cancer?
Leathrette--not sure what to think or say about your DH. I suppose even great guys have an off moment from time to time.
JKL--I'm with Freya, stick that bottle where the sun never shines.
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I may be in the minority here, but I just have to say something. I just brush all of those comments off. I try to look at it from the other person's perspective. They are just being honest with their own ideas or experiences with breast cancer. It could be their experience, or a loved one's experience that they are referring to. Sure, the comments are insensitive. But, I remember a time when I was insensitive to others prior to my diagnosis (to my sister-in-law who was stage III). It was all unintentional, but I thought I was helping (or adding to the conversation). The people who make these comments just don't realize how insensitive it is. Just remember that, and don't let these little comments bother you. We're already in a sensitive state due to our diagnosis and treatment. These little things become bigger than they should be.
As for the health care professionals... please remember that they have seen patients in the most later stages of cancer. They have seen it all. They can say insensitive things as well, but you need to look at it from a different perspective. Think about the other patients you've seen at the infusion center. The ones that are worse off than you. Some of them are still very positive. That always gives me a different perspective. It's hard for me to complain after that. Everyone handles things differently. Sometimes it's just hard to find the right words to say.
As for the radiation comment, I will say that I was one of the lucky ones to get radiation burns. I would tell you that radiation therapy was worse than chemotherapy (if asked). I'm one of those people. It all happened towards the end of radiation therapy. I had some open wounds as my old skin started to peel off. But, guess what? It doesn't happen to everyone. Yes, it was an insensitive comment to say that it will get much worse. I just wonder if she or someone in her family had the same experience that I had (which triggered this comment).
Hey, I had another sister-in-law who was stage IA and didn't have to get chemotherapy. She had a lumpectomy, radiation therapy, and hormone therapy. She even made a comment to me that I thought was insensitive at the time. She made me question my treatment plan. I'm HER2+, and she wasn't. That was the only difference between the 2 of us. She said, "Well, maybe you should have gone to Moffitt instead?" Okay, so she didn't really say it in those exact words, but that's how I interpreted it. She's the one that also told me that radiation therapy is a breeze. These 2 comments were all coming from a cancer survivor.
There's ignorance everywhere. I know it's not easy, but just brush it off (or even tell them that what they are saying is insensitive). We have bigger fish to fry at the moment.
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Hi BucsGirl
Of course you're right. Usually I just let it go. We can all say stupid things! - and I don't often really feel offended. I chalk it up to inexperience.
It's true that before BC I didn't know anything about it either. Why would I?
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. It's lovely and balmy here in Ireland today. Getting loads of washing done - that always makes me feel I've achieved something... Simple I know...
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Hi GoodPrognosis,
It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels that way. Good for you on getting loads of washing done. I have to do that today too. Everything is a bigger chore nowadays.
You live in Ireland? I loved Dublin (and the surrounding area) when I visited a couple of years back. I hope you're getting some good weather over there. I so want to go back for a visit. I absolutely loved Howth, Glendalough, Powerscourt, Sally Gap, and all those little towns along the way. Hopefully you're enjoying some sun too.
I lived in Suffolk, England for 4 years (back in the late 80's). I'm guessing it's similar weather. I could be wrong.0 -
TampaBayBucsGirl , I agree with you to a point. Yes, people don't know what to say, and quite often mean well. I don't allow comments to bother me much.
Then again, it's not up to me to make someone else feel better, or make MY TERMINAL ILLNESS easier for them to cope with. I give people the benefit of the doubt a couple of times, and then they are no longer relevant, needed or wanted in my life. After nearly 9 years of dealing with this, I don't have the patience for stupid.
Those in your life should be the source of stress relief, not the source of the stress.
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Freya, I totally agree with you. Some of those people are no longer relevant to me either. I definitely see your point about not being in the business of making others feel better. I'm just not that person. The one that can tell people off. At times, I wish I could do that.
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Hi BucsGirl
Yes, I live in Dublin but lived for many years in a small village in the south.
Guess the grass is always greener.......because I visited Florida a couple of years ago, Tampa and the other side, Kennedy Space Centre and Coco Beach. MMMMMMmmmmm lovely.
I will never forget the lukewarm sea. Like a soothing spa.
You should try swimming in the Atlantic!!!!!!!!! Ha, ha...
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Yes, the grass is definitely greener in Dublin. I guess we all have our favorite places. Especially St. Stephen's Green with the swans swimming near by. We used to walk through there on the way in to town every morning of our trip. Loved it!
That's funny that you should mention the Atlantic Ocean. I was born and raised on the east coast (Miami). I used to go swimming in the warm ocean all the time. After marriage, we were stationed in Cocoa Beach (twice). I know that area very well. I walked along the beach (Satellite Beach) there with a friend one time. I agree with you. It's very beautiful and therapeutic. I just couldn't get over how many crabs were scattering around us. I haven't been in the ocean since that time. I guess I've developed a little fear of walking into it and stepping on one of those crabs (or something worse). I know, that must sound very weird.
I do miss watching the shuttle and satellite launches.
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Tampa bay: I see your point. It's a valid one and a kind one. But this forum is a place to vent, to say things so you don't say them in real life, to lay down the burden of anger and hurt so you don't have to carry it day to day. That has great value too.
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Yes, of course its the Atlantic.....forgetting my geography.
But not like the Atlantic here though, north and cold. The Gulf Stream has almost literally run out of steam by the time it reaches us.....
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Hi Hercules,
I totally get that. It wasn't my intention to stop people from venting. I was just trying to give a different perspective. That is all. Sorry if I offended anyone.
GoodPrognosis - I remember the beaches around Aldeborough in Suffolk. If your beach is anything like that, then I totally understand. I remember it looking dark, cold, and pebbly. I didn't notice it that much looking off the pier of Howth.
I guess our Gulf waters are warm since we're closer to the tropics. I don't know. I'm not good with geography.
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My computer is malfuctioning. The b and n are not working. But the onscreen typing is wrecking havoc with my vertigo and macular stuff. So, please, work with absent b&n's. Nope tried it. Prefaced a note " Old dear fried ative Marier." Amazing what the absence of a couple of letters can do.
Old dear friend Native Mariner. I cringe when I see the "after a long battle with cancer" line in obits. I cringe when I am looking at medical records (I'm a nurse) and see "the patient failed first line chemo therapy" in the treatment history. That is BS. The patient did not fail anything, medical care failed the patient. The record should say "the oncologist failed the patient by choosing an ineffective first line chemotherapy treatment." How things are said or written has a very large, in often unnoticed effect on people's attitude. Like Freya said, it was never a fair fight from the beginning. "
Your words are so true. I cringe and growl, and am angered when the words fail, gave up, didn't want to live any more are used %$@!&:
Right just wipe me out. Let me go. I'm nothing. Yes, a wee rant. I'm good, nothing brewing at the moment. But you're statement just got my PO'd mode popping.
One friend yesterday told me she was quitting her thrird trial, after two previous chemo's'. Another friend's daughter is just heard hours ago, is going through the process.. Chit.
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Hey, Sas! Long time, no see! So sorry to hear about your friend. And the other friend's daughter. so not fair.
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