The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Two winners were fill-in MOs when my MO took a sabbatical leave in the summer. Winner 1 told me to think "positive thoughts" as she patted me patronizingly on the knee. Winner 2 responded to my inquiries about Xeloda by assuring me that it would be a non-issue because I would have a full response to chemo. I didn't and I am now on Xeloda. I really wish I could have had a free punch to the face for both of them. Condescending cows.
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Integra--cwis means????
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I have some good nuggets of ridiculousness! Ha... most of them just make me laugh now.
My DH told one of my relatives about my diagnosis. Response: "Oh, is it like a big deal?"
Another relative who avoided me when I was diagnosed: "You should have come to me, I know a guy who has the cure. You wouldn't have needed all that chemo."
Running into an acquaintance 2 years post-chemo: "Oh my god! You're alive! I didn't know cause I hadn't seen you around."
A 'friend': "Your illness makes me uncomfortable"
Another 'friend': "I know it's shitty you have cancer. But at least you have embryos frozen. I'm 30 and my husband is still not ready to have kids yet and my clock is ticking."
Another 'friend': "I'm so spacey and dumb today. Ughh, your chemo brain fog is rubbing off on me."
When I was suffering with PTSD and scared that the cancer was back... a 'friend' offering advice: "Maybe you could try to focus less on being a hypochondriac".
An older relative, randomly at dinner: "I know why you got cancer, you didn't eat enough charred food as a kid."
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I haven't talk to some of my coworkers since I retired 3 years ago, a male coworker asked very hestitantly how was I. Well I am not dead yet, or maybe I should have said I died last year your speaking to my ghost.
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Meow, thanks for the chuckle-your retort was priceless
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To Ashlyn~ You have the mother lode of nuggets! I'll buy your book if you decide to write one.
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Thanks for the heads up on the thread, Schatzi.
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Felicia
Ashlyn your quote" An older relative, randomly at dinner: "I know why you got cancer, you didn't eat enough charred food as a kid." You could respond. "Charring makes Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbons, that cause a bunch of different cancers, are you be monitored for them?"
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Ashlyn- your nuggets of ridiculousness made me laugh - people really do say the dumbest things; obviously having a filter is not a concept that they understand!
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Wonderful -- WTF seriously?
HoneyBadger: Love the no brain comment !!!
I would be the worst person anyone would want to say a stupid comment re: ANY kind of cancer --after my dx then losing my husband of 22 years to lung cancer in 2016.
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Felicia, all of us who had issues with the LD are pretty much posting here:
Latissimus Dorsi Breast Reconstruction
If I could exchange my "pretty foobs" for the life I had before I had this cursed type of reconstruction I'd do it in a heartbeat no questions asked.
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@shelly56 - glad you got a chuckle. I am so sorry about the loss of your husband.
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Oh yes..... You look so good!!! You're strong, you can beat this..... We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow................ So, how much longer will you be doing chemo?????? Uummm, till it stops working or I get tired of doing it and die. That usually shuts them up.
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HoneyBadger: Thank you for your kind words about losing my DH. It still feels like a bad dream and not my reality.
Welcome BJK !
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Shelly, not sure when your Husband died .. condolences. mine too........
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Sas-schatzi : My DH died on Christmas day 2016. You have my sympathies for yours also. Was it unexpected such as an accident? We had just 9 months from time of his diagnosis to the day he passed. His own mother has died just two weeks before we got his news.
Shelly
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Shelly, Dh died in Aug 2010 from Lymphoma. He was dx'd 3 months after my dx in 2009. Lymphoma is generally treatable. But his doc screwed up by never doing proper exams. DH was very advanced when dx'd. It was a very sad time. Losing those close sucks.
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Sas-schatzi: Agreed. And there is never a time we are "prepared" for them leaving us. I just broke my leg a little over two weeks ago and so grateful my daughter and grandson live with me so I have help. Cherish your loved ones - you never know what tomorrow brings.
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Venting alert: I'm trying to bite my tongue but am in peril of biting it off so I'm going to let it out here for a minute. My dear mother-in-law told my husband the reason she has not called me since the weekend after my surgery (when my mother drove hours to come stay with me) is because I don't require chemo so my cancer just wasn't that bad and she assumed I was ok since I'm a nurse. 2 years ago when she broke her wrist I helped her do everything. Every. Single. Day. I even wiped her dang bottom. (Sorry, TMI I'm sure) I had a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expander placement and came home with drains, but I must be ok. She sure did put on a good caring show while my mother was here but since then....zip, nada, nothing. Hubby and I found out today that it is true, based on my Oncotype score and pathology the Tumor Board did not feel that chemo would be beneficial vs the risks. However, my oncologist has requested I see the radiation therapist to get his opinion because of the positive lymph nodes. Gosh, maybe I'll need radiation and then my mother-in-law will think this whole cancer thing is real.
Wow. That was incredibly snarcastic but I sure do feel better.
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Wow! Glad I found this thread! I was dx’d 11/2017, and one of the biggest shocks was the dumb things people say! But, some of you have me beat!!
My personal fav was a man who told me I would look back one day and be grateful, bc cancer will make me stronger. It’s only been 4 months, and I’m still not grateful!!
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LiMa66--That was a wonderfully snarcastic vent! I enjoyed reading it. Sorry you have to go through all that with your Mom-in-law. That was the greatest vent I've read in a long time. Glad it made you feel better!
StlJoy--I'm 10 years out and I am still not grateful.I think that line is a bunch of CRAP!!!!!
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I just have to add:
My own mother said 1) that my cancer would go away. 2) that I would eventually think that the cancer would be the best thing that ever happened to me. And she is not an uneducated stupid person. She really believes those two things. I didn´t even know what to say back to her. I can´t even talk to her about it anymore, ´cause I am afraid that she will drop another one on me, and I don´t even want to go there. It has helped me re-evaluate her attitude.
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NativeMaine- I would honestly NEVER speak my mind (aka most likely very disrespectfully) to the mother-in-law, but dang it felt good to get it out. LOL
Shame is, some people just don't think about how what they say may be interpreted.
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Lckaff--it amazes me what some people think, even educated ones, even our own family members. All we can do is shake our heads.
LiMa66--one of the big reasons this thread exists is to give us a place to say things we would never say in "real life" and be understood, and to share the frustration and getsupport.And show off our snarky skills and witty come backs without hurting anyone's feelings.It feels good to get the snarkiness out, and makes it easier to cope with the real people making real comments with grace and serenity.
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I'm currently in the stage of getting my TE's filled and find myself getting all the boob job comments. Does anyone have any tactful ways to respond to people when they compare my situation to their friend that had a boob job? The responses I think in my head can't be said out loud and I can't hit people at work but want them to know it's NOT the same thing. I've always been extremely small chested and plan on going bigger so I know it's only going to get worse.
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NursePatient35--that's a tough situation. It can be really tricky to come up with a stock reply that expresses that the subject is not open for discussion and the commenter is out of line and off base while being polite. "I don't discuss personal issues at work." will cut off the discussion but not educate the commenter. "Oh yes, new boobs is a perfectly fair trade for an incurable disease." comes off too snarky. You could play the misunderstanding card--"Your friend had a boob job? What stage was her breast cancer? What did she have for treatment? How is she doing?" all asked in a very innocent tone as if breast cancer is the only reason anyone has any boob work done. The act very relieved when the commenter admits there was no bc. And you can always come back here and say what you wanted to say where we will all understand, and no one's feelings get hurt. My go to line is "Why do you suppose polite people ask very personal questions?" it usually changes the subject--either the commenter goes on to comment about polite people asking personal questions or the commenter goes to another topic entirely. If the commenter takes the reply personally they have to accept the complement of them being called a polite person or agree that the statement does not refer to any specific individual. It generally works.
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NativeMainer,
I'm definitely using the "what stage is her breast cancer?" That is perfect. I know people sometimes just don't know what to say and most don't mean to be insulting. It's just so annoying. And if I've learned anything from this whole experience, I will try much harder to be more sensitive and compassionate in my job. I work as a nurse and I think sometimes we just want to get through the day and don't think much about what a patient is thinking or going through. I hope I can be better and not make stupid comments to other people going through something I've never experienced.
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I'm team snark. Or actually, team "just be honest" How will people learn that they're hurting us if we don't tell them? We need to stop being people pleasers and smiling and just putting up with stuff. I have said in another thread that sometimes I can laugh at what people say and just respond "um, I can't believe you said that. You wanna rewind and try again cause that was not ok..." But it's ok also to stare blankly at people and just speak your truth.
"I'm not sure you quite understand that I have breast cancer, a disease which kills 40,000 American women each year. My surgeries aren't, and have never been, about vanity.**pivot to change of subject**
SO Susan, I hear you're going to the Bahamas next summer? That sounds fun. Have you been before?"
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I'm struggling with people wanting reassurances from *me* that I'm Ok. I have my follow-up with my MO in a few weeks and already feel very shaky and scared. Because I'm due for those awful Tumor Marker tests. These scare the cr#p out of me - because I'm always thinking it's just a matter of time before my BC comes back and I'm Stage 4.
Yesterday, on a play-date, the mother of my DD's friend asked: "Are you still in remission?".
WHAT THE FUCK!!!! The thing is - as far as I fucking know - I still am. But, maybe I'm not and I'm scared!!!! And, what is remission - anyway for us??? Cancer can be lurking in us and we wouldn't know it!!!!!
And, she asked me that - RIGHT in FRONT of my DD's friend. I did NOT want my DD's friends to know about my BC - because I don't want people knowing my business and asking me questions!!!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO mad!!!!!!!
And, what if I found out that I was in Stage 4. That's ONLY my DAMN business!!!! I'm so fucking steamed right now. I'm just scared and reassuring others - should NOT be my damn problem.
Whew...thanks for letting me vent.
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DancingElizabeth, I get that a lot, too. I'm getting tired of people asking me if I'm ok all the time. I also hate the "Are you in remission" or "Are you cancer free" questions. My response is always "As far as we know" and people just don't know what to do with that.
I get that people just don't know what to say, but I think they just shouldn't say anything at all about my having cancer in that case. Plus, 9 times out of 10 I get the feeling that they just want me to reassure them that I'm fine, and they really don't want to know if I'm having any cancer-related problems. Like they just ask out of obligation. Honestly, I'd rather talk about almost anything else, so they needn't bother.
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