The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Thanks lovepugs...I feel the same. I honestly - really - don't want to talk about my BC. I just want to feel normal. I just want to be able to move on. And, those questions, bring me (mentally) right back to the day that the radiologist had me come to his office - to give me the *news*.
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When I got back to work after a horrible experience at the dr. there was a gift bag on my chair. The card (this is from my SUUUUUPER religious supervisor) said he hopes I will use the Bible to find the lord. It had 2 or three bookmarks in it. So not only does he feel like he knows what choices I should make for my eternal soul, he’s also thought enough about it to mark a few verses for me to pay extra attention to. A like minded friend offered to take care of it for me. If someone says they’re praying for me, I appreciate the sentiment, but that’s crossing the line into crazy town. I’ve only worked there 3 months
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I have the perfect reply that always has shut the mouth and opened the eyes wide. Honestly I said it for the first time (and i think I already posted this) one time when I had to have a chest CT scan, and the technician, when she came to get me from the dressing room, looked at my chest under the gown and said "you need to remove your bra too". I answered "I don't wear a bra, they made an internal bra when they reconstructed the breasts". Then the idiot chirped "oh how I envy you!". I stopped walking, she stopped too, I looked at her pointedly and said "want to trade places? breast cancer vs not wearing a bra?" She got red in the face and nothing more was said for the next half an hour except for the necessary CT scan instructions. Since then, all I have to do is to stare at the idiot who expels this kind of gem and just say "want to trade places?"
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a friend of mine told me when I was in the middle of rads: "my sister in law had cancer and died during the weekend and I just thought of you...why don't you sell your flat and enjoy life..since you don't have kids after you die no one will inherit it"
I was speechless and I didn't say anything but next time I met her I asked her: " do you think I wil die soon that you said that?" And she said: " I am trying to be positive" ...
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trying to be positive? Can you imagine what she would say if she was trying to be negative?
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I go back and forth in how I respond to dumb comments, often depending on the situation I am in. Someone who truly means well I will not embarrass in front of other people, but will gently educate in private. Someone that I've educated about a comment in the past gets the full bore snark. My go to, fits every situation responses are "That's a common misconception." and "How I wish that was true." On the other hand, I have had some very good talks with many friends and acquaintances who were absolutely blown away by the fact that breast cancer is never considered cured and that hormonal therapy lasts 5 to 10 years.
DancingElizabeth--It is draining to be reassuring others, and so very often that is what other people want from us. And it's really hard to keep it from being a constant topic of conversation. No matter how careful we are about who we tell it seems to get out somehow. My mind goes to "this isn't the place (or time)to talk about that." or "I can't talk about that."The wait for test results is so scary and so tense and so hard for non-bc-er's to understand. I can understand you're feeling so mad right now.
Lovepugs--I agree, many people say something just because they think it's expected of them.
Wellheresanewadventure--I consider myself religious, perhaps not super-religious, but religious, and I find your supervisor's note to be over the top, particularly in a supervisor/employee situation.
Seachain--"want to trade places?" is a great line.
Valentina7--Wow, that takes the cake. Where are you supposed to live between selling the apartment and going to the graveyard? If that's positive, that "friend" needs to get booted out of your life ASAP!
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With acquaintances who ask, "Did they get it all?" I smile grimly and reply, "I guess we'll find out."
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Good one, ksusan!
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I could use some help from you all in responding to a distant relative, whom I have not seen in more than a decade but who knows about my diagnosis and treatment. She left me a voice mail message saying “I'm calling to see how you are. Are you retired?"
BTW, I am not retirement age. In fact, when I have spoken to her in the past, she never remembers how old I am, so I repeatedly have to tell her. What kind of a brusque question is that to leave as a voicemail message?
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Maybe it’s not an impolite question. Maybe it’s just me
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keepsake - is it possible the person has actual medical memory problems?
Since the person has in the past not known your age, I'd just assume they don't remember. The question doesn't seem that rude to me & makes sense from the perspective of someone thinking about whether you have a pension or retirement funds lined up versus still working & potentially losing income during treatments.0 -
Thanks for your reply, moth. I seriously doubt this person has memory problems butI do see your point.
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I've been the clueless person in the past, Keepsake, so agree with Moth that your relative may well be coming from a place of concern and caring. She may be wondering if you're trying to cope with working full-time while dealing with the demands of cancer treatment. This is a place to vent, but even having dealt with cancer myself for nearly two years, I struggle to find the right words to say. It can be difficult to be gentle and patient with others when we're dealing with so much anxiety in our own lives.
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Every time I'm with a certain neighbor and anyone asks how I'm doing she says things like, "I'm glad you're better, because [my husbands] mom is in hospice now for her cancer." "Treatment is so much easier/better now than it used to be." "Now you can move on, now that you beat it." Oh and when she asked about the side effects of the anastrozole? "Well, my hot flashes have gotten out of control, I'm so over menopause". In my head I'm thinking menopause, really? at least you don't have cancer.
It makes me crazy. It's like everyone she know's is worse off then me for some reason. I guess she's trying to reassure me that it could be worse but damn...... Just stop asking, I get it.
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Thanks, VLH. I think this person annoys me because, from the start, she insisted she knows I'm cured.
smwusaf - Sorry, I totally understand your frustration, especially with your neighbor saying that you can move on, now that you beat it. As we all know, people who never had bc just have no clue, and often make dismissive and invalidating comments that are aggravating.
Edited for typo
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I hear you, Keepsake. A family member I love dearly said, "I just know you're going to be fine." Well, that's dandy, but offers me no meaningful comfort. I'm the one who has to wake up every day knowing there's a one in five chance that I'll face a horrible death in the next few years. Yet another oncology appointment tomorrow...
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Yes, well intentioned comforters who, unknowingly, miss the mark. VHL, Iwish you well at your appointment tomorrow.
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Keepsake - I am appalled at such insensitivity - if you were retired it would doubtless have been due to your health so she was presuming that all was not well, despite her superior knowledge that you are cured. Not very reassuring and depressing in fact. I imagine she just did not know what to say and of course it can be difficult. Perhaps she was waiting for you to make contact with an update but that would have involved all the nuts and bolts which I think you don't want to discuss. Give her the benefit of the doubt.and put it down to sheer ignorance.
This topic and all the posts of the dreadful, stupid and offensive things people say almost reduced me to laughter or tears at times. I think it is because bc is now a public disease and everyone is an expert with their half baked understanding. Perhaps sometimes it is better to laugh things off by saying "cancer really is great - I can recommend it - perhaps you will have your turn one day". That should shut them up. Courage mes amies! Thinking of you all.
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"cancer really is great - I can recommend it - perhaps you will have your turn one day.
That is a really good reply Gemma.You could also also substitute "radiation, MRI, Pet Scan, chemo" etc that everyone is so sure you will just sail thru with no problems, for the word "cancer".
I would like to use this for everyone who has told me how lucky I am for having early stage bc, and that I would just "sail thru" radiation, tamoxifen, oophorectomy etc. The people who said these things had no way of knowing what was in my future. It made me feel like they were minimizing my diagnosis and what I was going through.
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ugh, Capecodgirl, I hated when I was told I had the "good kind of cancer" (meaning not triple negative or stage 4 or something, I don't even know). Or just radiation? You've got this girl, easy breezy.......
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i know people are just trying to be helpful and encouraging. venting here is actually helpful for me so I don't become bitchy and cynical to others.
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The flipside of having “good cancer” is having “bad” cancer (I’m TN) and people with no knowledge letting you know all about it! Some folks honestly look at me like I’m a dead woman walking or feel it necessary to tell me that it tends to spread to the brain, or that being caught early means “nothing”. Oh and the 7% of the women who are early stage and don’t live for 5 years - all TN ! Ask my mom! Lol!!
It doesn’t bother me however, because I know the facts
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An old friend complained that I was falling apart when I mentioned the muscle/joint pain I was having while we're on a girls trip together (I wanted to hit the gym while she thinks you should never sweat while on vacation). After I explained about my ER+ cancer & the SEs resulting from using an AI to shut down my estrogen production, she asked if I'd ever heard of synthetic estrogen. Seems she's using it (for libido issues) & is convinced it would solve all my problems. I told her I'd mention it to my oncologist who, clearly, had never heard of it. Lesson learned: don't expect to have a rational conversation with a friend who thinks cocktail hour runs from 4:00 - 10:00 pm.
(Edited for spelling)
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Smsusaf-
I get it that people just do not know what to say. I know I have said many stupid things to people out of ignorance, and not mean spiritedness. This makes me think before I say anything in all situations now, not just when talking to someone who is ill. However, I would also like to report the following:
When telling a close friend of my breast cancer diagnosis, without skipping a beat she immediately launched into her story of 10 years ago when she had a biopsy (benign) and the biopsy site started bleeding on the car ride home. The story took at least 10 minutes to tell me. What the What??? I just told you I have CANCER, and you feel the need to tell me that your benign biopsy site bled? How is that helpful or even relevant to what I just told you?
I also get the people who want to know "did they get it all"?
Also, in a group of people when asked how I am doing I will say I am doing well, thank you. I always get at least one person who will take me aside and want to know "so how are your REALLY doing"? Like a I lied to the group, but since you asked privately I will tell you the "real" truth!
One male friend asked me if where I was with my treatment. I told him surgery done, no chemo, just finished rads and now pills for 5 years. He thought about it for a minute, and then told me that just so I know, they still look the same (talking about my breast). Ha Ha this guy is sweet and does not have a mean bone in his body. I am sure he said that because he wanted to reassure me that outwardly I looked the same.
I know that all of the people mentioned above are friends, wish only the best for me and absolutely just have no idea what to say in this situation.
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JKL-
I know our friends mean well, but...
I am by nature a very positive person, always see the glass half full, have a great sense of humor and love to laugh. So a good friend that I run road races with texted me and asked how I was doing since we were planning to run a road race together.
I said all good except my back is still sore (been struggling with this for a while). Said I am struggling to figure out how I can get the road race done. She texted me back that what I really need is to invest in a serious dose of positive thinking and that I should work on my mind game. I was with my surgeon's wife (we are all good friends) at the time, and we both were like what is she saying ? Doesn't she know my back issue is a real medical thing? You mean I can fix it with positive thinking? So if I can fix that with positive thinking, maybe I could have fixed my cancer too. I told my friend we should notify her husband (the surgeon) right away, so he does not do any more lumpectomies on people who can think the cancer away. Also I felt the need to alert my oncologist and possibly see about getting a refund for my unnecessary radiation which was very expensive.
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Capecodgirl, I am so-o-o "jonesing" to get back up to Cape Cod; I need a good whale watching trip, too long since my last one. I've been fantasizing bout that since the beginning of treatments! After growing up in landlocked OK, whale watching trips have been such a Blessing to me; I am so grateful to have moved up to PA.
My biggest "dumb-brained, dumb-voiced" experience was in the days between the biopsy & the dreaded phone call w/ the results. When my spouse had heard they would begin a 2nd round of downsizing in his dept, he had gone in & volunteered to be laid-off, so he could then retire early, w/ the plan for us to start doing lots of travel. He was in his last few wks of work at the time of the biopsy & was in a state of excitement. Several times during those days of dread 'tween biopsy & results, he would come home from work, wanting us to start planning our first trip. I would have to remind him that I was in no position to make those kinds of plans.
His last day of work came; so did my biopsy results. He came home w/ his party cake leftovers, so euphoric. I told him the preliminary path results, explained that the pathologist who called had given me the name of a surgeon, but had given me no other indication of treatments. He got a piece of his cake, went to his "mancave"; I went to my computer, to begin learning what I could. When he came back upstairs a few hrs later, the 1st words out of his mouth were, "Are you thinking about what place we can visit first & what all we'll need to do before the trip?" He had already forgotten that I had just been told I had cancer!?!
My 2nd experience came the next morning when he came downstairs & asked why I hadn't slept that night. When I replied it was because I was too upset, he replied, "Well, I don't know why." After reading of not only all the possible courses of treatment, & even worse, the associated complications, risks, this comment was the breaking point. I had a total emotional meltdown. My hub quickly disappeared. When he next emerged, he said, "I don't see what the big deal is. The pathologist said it's a small tumor, & was caught early. You'll have it removed, do whatever else, & it'll be over." Left me speechless, dumbfounded & feeling that, as far as he would be concerned, I was pretty much going to be on my own for this unplanned trip.
Well, "good cancer", "small tumor", or not, he's still waiting for our first retirement trip & he's had to learn to do a lot more of the chores & shopping errands, & occasionally, chauffering me to drs appts; it's even begun to sink in to him that this cancer stuff is not so much bout my little tumor, it's about dealing w/ those pesky complications & risks for the rest of my life.
Just ask my hubby if he's enjoying his retirement!
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Capecodgirl - Also, in a group of people when asked how I am doing I will say I am doing well, thank you. I always get at least one person who will take me aside and want to know "so how are your REALLY doing"? Like a I lied to the group, but since you asked privately I will tell you the "real" truth!
That made me spit out my coffee..... bwahaha!
I think your male friend was trying to be nice but stop looking..... and no, my breasts do not match anymore, even though it was "just a lumpectomy".......
S
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I can't believe some of the comments on this thread -- people are ridiculously insensitive!
Mine can't compare in awfulness, I'm sure, but one of my close friends cried on the phone upon hearing about my diagnosis: "I already lost one friend [to cancer] this year!" Poor you!
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3dognitemama- it sounds as if your husband is either in denial or burying his head in the sand so he doesn't have to really consider all that breast cancer involves. For sure it took me a long time to learn about breast cancer. Even my radiation oncologist said to me "the good news is that we can cure you". I believed her and went on my merry way thinking finish rads, 5 years of tamoxifen and I am good. It was only reading these boards that I realize I need to consider that I could have a recurrence or new primary and have surveillance every 6 months for probably the rest of my life.
I find so many people are dismissive of or minimize my and other's similar diagnosis because it is low grade and caught early. Yes, I am happy for that, but still, this is not something you would wish on anyone no matter how early the stage.
I am sorry your husband is not supportive of your needs, both emotional and physical. I hope with time he manages to come around and realize all that you are dealing with now, and will be dealing with in the future and is more supportive.
I wish for you many of those trips you were looking forward to-- not sure where you are in your treatment and if traveling is even a consideration. If you do travel and make it to the Cape, look me up!
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Smwusaf- ha ha mine don't match either. I think because I was not that big to start it is not as noticeable when some went missing.
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