The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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If only they would think before they stick the foot in their mouths. I had a friend (ha) tell me that I'm lucky because now when we play golf and it's really hot, I don't have sweat running down between my boobs and no wet sweaty bras anymore. Are you kidding me??? What I wouldn't give for those old sweaty bras!
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I’m reminded of the advice we were given back in our school days when we had to give speeches. We were told, in order to calm our nerves, to imagine everyone in the audience sitting only in their underwear. So in future when I encounter foot in mouth, thoughtless comment making folks, I’ll imagine them this way.....
Might make the comments easier to take
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To be fair, when I used to get periods and they were so horrible that I was housebound, I planned my life around my periods and feared them showing up when they weren't expected... had someone told me they didn't get periods anymore, I also would have been jealous. I think it's legitimate to complain about periods. They suck. They suck bad. For some women they are debilitating. Just because I had cancer do I want everyone around me to suck up their misery and act like it isn't happening, isn't real or isn't miserable? Are we in a competition where my cancer trumps all other events in everyone else's life? No.
I think if someone comes up to you and says, "You're so lucky that you had cancer and get to take tamoxifen and now you don't have periods, man, that would be so great.." Yeah, that is a stupid, shitty thing to say. However, if someone is having a bad period day and you pipe up that you don't get periods anymore, then I think you kind of walked into that one. It's like you pulled out your cancer hammer and smashed her pity party, which is not very sporting when we are complaining about things. I do hate it when I have a legitimate gripe going on and someone who is 'worse off' gets to rain on my parade. Or someone points out that I should not complain because someone, somewhere, has it worse than I do. That's just not cool.0 -
I think we need to start a GoFundMe to get Runor cloned. This world needs it.
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I never pull out the cancer hammer and only 2-3 people at my school know that I’ve had so many complications with reconstruction and still have two surgeries ahead. I didn’t say that to her to stifle her complaint because she knows I used to have terrible periods as well. But thanks for the advice.
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It's the "I hate you" that seems unnecessary.
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I wouldn't say that about the " I hate you! " thing. Probably it depends on the context but I personally see it jokingly.
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I don't, so I agree with your point that it depends on context.
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You know if that lady really wants to stop her periods she can use hormones to do so. There are no period birth control pills. Of course there are risks though.
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The “I hate you" phrase is a commom slang term for “I'm insanely jealous" used by a particular age range of women who used it as teens and continue to use it among their peers as they grow older. It was not meant to hurt feelings. Runor made a good point - the “offending" woman was talking about her own misery and not prepared to have the cancer comparison thrown in.
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My friends and I say it all the time. Ironically, it's usually meant as a compliment. "Omg your hair looks perfect today. I hate you!!!".
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I think the vast majority of people just don’t know what to say so sometimes their remarks are incredibly insensitive and yes stupid.
When I meet women who have just been DX I always say I’m sorry. No sage advice or cheerleader comments mainly because that’s not what I wanted to hear when I was given the dreaded news plus how the heck do I know whether she’ll be fine or not. Just because we have BC doesn’t make us experts on the outcome.
I know we all wanted and still want to hear optimistic stories about BC survivors. I’m not a particular fan of that word either thoughbecause while I’m 7 years out there are no guarantees.
Personally I’m sick of the pink fluff associated with BC. We got the awareness now do something about treatments and the financial fallout from the disease.
Diane
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Readyabout, if you are not prepared to hear the words "I hate you", they can be shocking and off-putting. I agree that they were probably not the right words in that moment. Not unless you and this person have a close relationship and talk to each other that way all the time. If your relationship is a bit more distant and mainly professional, then I can see why you were unimpressed.
I admit to playing the cancer card now and then. Like when Hub wants me to pick up my end of a 14 foot sheet of drywall. I say, I can't, I have cancer and my arm doesn't work right anymore. Which is a total lie. I just hate lugging 14 foot sheets of drywall and so now refuse to do it, with my handy-dandy drywall preventer excuse. Apparently cancer has made it so I never again have 'my end' of a sheet of drywall. However I still must split firewood as there is no one around to do it and I would be cold otherwise.
When word of my diagnosis got out one dear friend called me and her opening words were, "I am sorry you have cancer but if you die can I have your corner cabinet? Wait. I don't want to wait until you die. Can I have it now?" Friends like this keep me alive. I said, after a moment to think about it. "Yes. Bitch." And that is how we talk and I consider her one of my most solid friends.
There are people who truly are worse off than me. But I think one has to be very careful when we tell someone else that there are people worse off than they are. Motive is EVERYTHING in that situation. Sometimes it is to offer perspective, but often it is done as a neat and vicious way to shut someone up who is complaining, even when they have a legitimate reason to gripe. The first time a friend was complaining to me about something and then said, "I should just shut up considering that you have breast cancer.." I knew that I needed to respect that other people, in other lives, have their own problems and they do not all have to be measured against being better or worse than my breast cancer. Misery is misery and we all have it. (but we all do NOT need to have drywall misery!)
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I hope your husband doesn't read this forum, or the jig would be up!
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People say the dumbest things, it's unbelievable how when you share that you have breast cancer, the stupid comes out. Today at Pickleball an acquaintance noticed I was limping and asked me if I hurt my knee. I said no I have been dealing with knee pain and stiffness, that I had BC last year and now the medication I take is causing some joint problems. Another acquaintance piped in and said "Well I had a friend who was diagnosed with lymphoma last year and she totally changed her diet and her cancer is now gone. She had bumps all over her body and they just disappeared. Then she said are you going to lose your hair and is your voice going to change because you are getting rid of the estrogen. All I said was I hope not and that breast cancer isn't caused by a poor diet. I just came home and am sitting here with ice on my knee but on the verge of tears, it is so hard to deal with the side effects of the Ai's, try to live a normal life and then have to put up with stupid comments. Thank you for this place where I can vent my frustration
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((((hug)))) We know better, but it hurts to hear something so ridiculous. As if any of this is our fault.
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Wow, if we change our diet the breast cancer would just go away😱. Who knew? Just shaking my head. Goldfish, don’t let her occupy anyspace in your mind...
Sorry you had to be on the receiving end of her stupid comment.
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I changed my diet and it just kept growing so I decided to use poison. That seems to be working.
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well a hairdresser I once went to... (went twice actually as 1st and last time
) said she would not be getting cancer because she eats lots of salad.Good for her eh?
Oh I just remembered I went in to get my hair cut short pre chemo. That's how she knew.... excellent people skills. (Lol)
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When I was bald after chemo, people told me they like my wigs better than my hair!And I was lucky how quickly I could get ready to go out ,just throw on my wig😂 I didn't mention it took me an hour to draw on realistic eyebrows and try to use eyeliner to disguise no eyelashes. And a guy at my gym, a "scientist" used to corner me and tell me how chemo is unnecessary, the Dr's just want to make money off of me, radiation does nothing, all I needed was mega doses of vitamins and a sauna! This guy knew I had just had chemo and radiation! Even if it was true, why tell me now!?😄I wanted to hit him with a dumbbell! And can't remember how many people told me about their friends or family with cancer, oh by the way, who DIED FROM IT! Don't be telling me that!😂😂😂 Just gotta laugh.
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It is amazing to me that people want to joke around or look on the bright side. They sound so stupid.
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Today an acquaintance in my golf group said that there are lots of different foods that cause breast cancer! Really? I asked her what the foods were but she said offhand, she didn't know. OMG! I did set her straight and tried to be nice about it. This is the same woman who told me last year that I was very lucky because I only have to take a pill and didn't have to have chemo. I did gently remind her that I have two amputated body parts. Geez these people are idiots.
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I'd swear that people just don't think before opening their mouths. Hugs for all of you. It's hard to deal with insensitive comments with grace.
A few recent ones I can add to the collection:
The "friend" who noticed that I was feeling a little run down after my infusion and told me that if I'd just go to the insanely expensive, not covered by insurance alternative treatment clinic he's been pushing on me since my DX (where they give you IV Vit C and coffee enemas) then I wouldn't be suffering from the side effects of the poisons I'm putting in my body. I wanted to say "Yeah because I'd probably be dead".
I take a weekly Qigong class at my hospital's Women's Wellness Center and most of the women are breast cancer "survivors". I'm the only metastatic person in the class, which I discussed with the teacher when I first started because of the mets in my spine. She's a lovely woman, retired RN and though she's about to turn 80 you'd swear she was in her late 50s. One day when I was having some pain in class, she said to me afterward "Just wait until you're my age" and I was so taken aback that I almost broke down in tears. I know she just wasn't thinking and didn't mean anything by it, but I thought that a retired RN who works with cancer patients understood what metastatic means. The timing hurt even more because we think that my current treatment is failing and I'm probably about to move to my 3rd line of treatment in only 13 months. I didn't know what to say because I knew she just wasn't thinking but I was trying so hard not to cry, and I just muttered "I can only hope to be so lucky". Then she compounded it by saying "of course" I would live to her age, why wouldn't I? I mumbled something about maybe I'll get lucky and be an exceptional responder before I walked out the door. How does a retired RN who works with cancer patients not understand the realities of a metastatic cancer diagnosis?
Then there's the 30 year survivor who took up 20 minutes of class time to push for attendance at a breast cancer awareness walk (or money to sponsor her if we couldn't attend) because "it's so inspiring to be around so many women who have beaten cancer" and that it will give me hope that I too can beat it. I was Stage IV de novo so that hope was shot for me on day one. The event did nothing to acknowledge metastatic women, zero, zilch, nada. When I didn't immediately join in everyone's enthusiasm she began talking directly to me for another ten minutes. I didn't want to slap her in the face with the realities of what a metastatic diagnosis means - I am honestly truly happy for the women who believe they have beaten breast cancer, I don't want to take anything away from them and their celebrations (I'm sure I would want to celebrate too) but I resented someone trying to make me feel like I'm selfish or a bad person just because I don't want to join in their public celebration of happiness, and that somehow celebrating with other women is supposed to make me feel better about my situation. I just don't know what to say to someone like that who doesn't get it, so all I did was smile and stare at the floor a lot. I don't dwell on my diagnosis, but inside my head I'm thinking, "I won't beat it, there is no cure, I'm going to die no matter how positive I am, what don't you get?" while someone is chirping at me to think positive, come celebrate, lots of women have beaten cancer and I can too, I just need to join in the positive energy of other survivors. Bleh.
I used to think that being around other women who have faced breast cancer was a safe space from insensitive comments. I'm so glad Pinktober is over.
And sending still more hugs to everyone who has to deal with thoughtless and insensitive comments.
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LoriCA,
I don't even know what to say about the idiocy you've endured lately. Yes, ppl can speak before they think, but to carry on as though you're the one with "crooked" thinking is unimaginable! RNs and our Pink sisters are the very people that should know better! All I can offer is a big hug, and a reminder that all here "get it". Sorry that others don't.
Hope the new treatment works well for you!
Vickki
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OMG LoriCa, i was so mad when I read your post! How can people be so stupid especially the ones who should know better! I can hardly type I'm so mad for you Made me cry. It's one thing for "outsiders" to be ignorant and unthinking but fellow sufferers!Oh! You shouldn't have to deal with that in the place you go for exercise, and strengthening body and soul. Arghhh! I think I know the idiot with the coffee enemas and vit c. I'm talking to him, I'm 20lbs underweight, bald as an egg and he's telling me chemo is a moneymaking scam. Should've just taken massive doses of Vitamins and gotten in a sauna. Same guy, right?A**hole , probably different guy😉 Honey, I'm also sending you big hugs, not too hard, but full of love
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So this wasn't a "dumb" thing, it was just something to which I wasn't sure how to respond. An acquaintance who is a very fragile person (emotionally) and who was speaking to me out of pure concern and care (and her sincere belief in what she was telling me), spoke to me yesterday about a company which makes and sells a line of supplements which, to my ears, sounds distinctly dubious (read: "woo-woo" and baseless). These products, in her mind, "totally completely cured" people of cancer "forever." And she wanted me to know about this.
I am always cautious with such suggestions from people who are being merely caring, not bossy - I was kind, thanked her, said I'd keep it in mind. But of course I have no intention of doing anything of the kind. I looked the company up - and, because it's based in Sedona where I live and we are SURROUNDED by people who believe a lot of crazy things, my suspicions were confirmed.
Have others had this experience? I am a believer in verified proven western medical practices (buoyed by proven alternative support like nutrition, exercise, meditation, yoga). And I reject what I consider to be nonsense and woo-woo. But a lot of my friends are very kind and, in my opinion, gullible.
Walking a thin line...
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Whenever someone suggests something that I consider "woo-woo" I just tell them that I'm comfortable with what I am doing now and feel that adding anything at this time would muddy the waters, so to speak. Just smile and tell them you're not ready to try anything new at this time. They may bring it up again and again but all you can do is tell them again and again. Maybe they'll get the message???
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My father said to me yesterday "now don't you go and die before me, I couldn't handle it."
He said this after they found a second cancer in my right breast. I was hoping to get into a clinical trial, but the second cancer disqualified me.
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sometimes all one can do, PatTheArtist, is to sigh and think “bless his heart...
Sigh.
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PatskyKB--I hear some of those kinds of recommendations, too.If the person making the recommendation truly believes in the product and is truly trying to give me what they thinks is good advice, I accept the intention and acknowledge the caring and concern. I will say "thank you" and "I'll look into that." And I do usually look it up online, but never have any intention of using the product. Actually, I pretty much react that way to whatever anyone says, even when what they say is truly off the wall and then come here and vent about how I fell about what was said. People generally are trying to be helpful, or at least express concern. I do recognize that. But from time to time someone is really off the track and deliberately trying to be blaming or something. Those folks really get my goat.
PatTheArtist--Your Dad must really be scared.But to say that, yikes, a bit off the wall!
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