The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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hapa haha I needed to hear this - thank you. Put on my big girl pants and get it together in other words. I think the smoke is keeping me from the gym so I'm not getting the exercise that bolsters my mood. I sure hope it rains soon!
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Rachel, being ‘different’ isn’t necessarily a negative thing. You have gone through something that is life changing, you should be different, we are all a bit different. Your husband should be different too. It isn’t bad, it is just what it is. Please do not put pressure on yourself to bounce back to the old self. Be who you are now and let everyone else adjust
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Here is a good laugh for you all.
After sending me a $159,000 bill with another similar bill still being processed, my hospital decided it was appropriate to send me a letter asking for a donation! Hah!
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WC3, they must think you are made of money!
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Meow13:
A lot of people seem to think that's the case these days!
I wish it were.
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I love this discussion! I feel so much less alone, and the humor has really helped.
I've had so many people tell me how good I look, and it's just plain disorienting. I feel sad and scared inside. I'm getting used to a new body, and a new way of thinking about myself as a person. I have no idea how to respond to how good my color is, and that my eyes sparkle. It's nice that people are glad to see me, though.
The worst thing came from a fellow survivor. I had filled her in on how hard the recovery was, and was telling another friend about it. The fellow survivor said well that part's over, you can look forward now.
On the other hand, all these insensitivite remarks have helped me appreciate that folks at work don't want to hear about it at all. I'd been feeling rather isolated but am now going to look on work as a refuge from my disease.
So this discussion has been a win-win for me. Thanks for helping create a place to find peace and comfort during such a hard time.0 -
WC3--gotta love that fund raising attempts!
PollyOne--using work as a refuge from all things bc is a good idea.I did that and it really helped to have one place to be that didn't revolve around bc, treatment, appointments, etc. And it is very disorienting to be feeling anything but good and be told that you look wonderful. That took me a long time to get used to.
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Polly and Maine - yeah, I love being told how wonderful I look and thinking if only you could see the real me inside this amputated piece of crap!! I think we an all identify with that. They are so well-meaning when they make remarks like that and I know they are thinking it makes us feel better. It does, but at the end of the day, there is still that little corner of our brain saying "but what it.......".
I discovered that my "happy" place where I can escape my dark thoughts is my sewing room. Now it's my she shack! It's totally mine and I can go in there and work on my quilts for hours at a time and not think at all about cancer. I still have my moments, but they are getting farther apart and I'm trying to just enjoy what I have and be thankful for it. And I am, but there's always that "but".
Ann
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I love your “she shack”! I have been wanting a “she shed” for a long time🤗.
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You will get to see it first-hand!!
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Snickersmom--people do mean well, and I try to listen for what they mean and not what they say, but it helps to have a place like this to come to and let out the feelings that come up!
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I live in an apartment complex for retired and disabled people. I told another tenant soon after diagnosis. Her response was, "I suppose you will soon be moving into a nursing home". I haven't spoken to her since.
To be honest, she is 90 years old, and noted for her negative attitude. But I have no desire to be brought down by that.
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I so appreciate this thread, ladies!
I do believe most people mean well but are sometimes just clueless. I recently had an episode at my physical therapist's office. We're working on some mobility issues in my right arm, and I had my shirt off, and suddenly saw myself in the mirror. No hair, mangled and scarred chest, puffy upper arm from lymphedema. Aged. Grey.
I started to sob. We had to stop the session there and the wonderful PT asked, "What's wrong?" I said it's hard to see myself in the mirror. I said, "I used to be a person."
She was so kind and supportive. But here I am, two years after diagnosis, and my body is still getting carved up, still needs care. I'm so tired of this. It makes me angry, and so sad, and exhausted and at times filled with despair.
And I hate social media with everyone's perfect lives, fun times at the restaurant/game/with the fam. The perfect hair and beautiful homes and cousins and uncles and grandparents - these photos trigger the more shadowy, petty elves of my nature. I'm crabbier than I'd planned.
But it's the holidays. And this year, with cancer, we do not have to be good.
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jojobird you've made me cry. I can so relate. Christmas cheer is going to be a much bigger effort this year.
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I used to be pretty clueless before my BC diagnosis, so I try to cut the well-meaning people some slack. Luckily I haven't encountered any "my 2 aunts died of breast cancer" types, so my understanding may be sorely tested.
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Jojobird--Hugs.Been there, felt that. Be crabby, you're entitled.
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This isn't really a dumb comment since it came from my almost 4 year old, but funny. So for some reason he learned about nipples. (He has older siblings. We have dogs and apparently he figured out what they are.). I was reaching above a candle yesterday to grab something and he tells me "don't burn your nipples mom.". Made me laugh because I thought to myself, yup don't have any buddy but we don't need to have that conversation. Kids!
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Nursepatient35,
Adorable!
Vickki
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Today my sister in law took the cake. My husband and I host Xmas for his family of 40-50. It is a sit down meal with dishes, wine glasses etc. we clean, set up, use linens, provide activities for the little ones. It is chaotic but we try to make it as nice as Possible. I make the main course and everyone contributes sides. I’ll be getting my rads for the month of Dec starting Monday. I’m already physically and emotionally spent so we put out a message on the family group text about downsizing the festivities to just appetizers, drinks and desserts this year for just a few hours. The sister replied with a whole pity thing about how she won’t get to have dinner with her family boo hoo and there should be a feast for Jesus and it’s her family tradition bla bla bla . I'm just really d
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So maybe she should host the feast for Jesus then.0
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I agree she can put it on.
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jojobird,
don't feel down because of the things you see on Facebook.
There's a reason why one of the newest well wishes sounds like this:
"May your life be as happy and plentiful as you try to make it look like on Facebook"
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Nursepatient35--too funny!
Cherryi3--if dinner with the family is more important than time with the family to your sister she should host the meal and she can put on a "feast for Jesus." I know changes from tradition can be hard, but such changes are inevitable.And frankly, she should be glad that you didn't opt out entirely this year.
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Cherryi3, your sister in law seems very self centered. Every family has to have at least one like that I guess. Try not to let her bother you too much. You're a rockstar to even have the event. Good luck with your rads.
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I agree. Why didn't she volunteer to host the dinner?
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I totally agree.... she can have the dinner and you might provide one of the sides, something that won't be too complicated or may be prepared in advance...
My rant.... I'm stunned and numb. I don't know what to think or do, if anything. It's not about what people said - but about what they don't say: We had a birthday celebration of our youngest one, just a family thing. I like to make the birthday cakes myself, so I made it, decorated it, tidied the house, prepared the refreshments etc. My DH was a great help, did the shopping etc. The family came, it was all very nice, birthday presents and happy kids. But nobody asked about me, how I am doing or feeling, or anything.... I get it when people like friends don't wanna talk about it... but my family? Are they even registering what I am going through? (puffy and tired and bald without eybrows or eyelashes, neuropathy, still in chemo...) My brother, my SIL, my own mother, my MIL - - - nobody asked, not a single sentence!! I think I need a good cry, but I am totally numb. I can't even cry. DH's parents stayed for the whole weekend with us (they live far away), and again - not a single mention of my illness, nothing. Like I was normal and healthy. I don't get it. I think the weekend drained me totally... not physically (it was demanding, but not badly so), but mentally. Rant over
Edit: many neuropathy tipos
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JaBoo, Go ahead and rant. It’s amazing how sometimes the people closest to us can disappoint us. I hope there are other caring people in your life who are supporting you through this. With my Xmas deal, there are multiple family members in town and no one stepped up to offer to trade holidays. Thanks everyone for letting me rant. I did unleash some hate on my SIL ( sorry Jesus) and received an apology.
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JaBoo- I totally get how you feel about no one asking how you are doing. That really bothers me too when it happens. I actually had to have a whole discussion with one of my sisters about asking me how I’m doing - how often etc. Not sure why this happens but I imagine folks think they are doing us a favor by not discussing our cancer. For me personally I want people to ask me how I’m doing and then we can move on to other topics and I can try to feel “normal”. Fortunately this naturally happens with most of the people I interact with. You may want to have a private conversation with some family members about this and how it hurts you if they don’t ask about you. They may be thinking the opposite. It’s time for honesty in our relationships when we are going through this. By the way, how are you doing today
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Jaboo, maybe since it was a birthday celebration they didn’t know if you wanted to talk about your cancer. Also, maybe they were waiting for you to bring it up. In a way they were being respectful. I know that I like to forget I have cancer (or should I say had?) and feel a little perturbed when someone brings it up without me initiating. My assistant at work just asked, “When did you have cancer?” which threw me a little first thing in the morning. However, I am over 3 years out so I can see how your relatives not asking about your current treatment could be upsetting. Are you sure your DH didn’t tell them not to bring it up?0
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Cherryi3:
I would tell her thanks for volunteering to host. Offer accepted!
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