The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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When I first spoke to my friend of many years regarding being diagnosed with my breast cancer, she had called me after getting in the wine again. She was quite full of herself and wanted to know "what kind of survivor did I want to be?" like I was part of a LifeTime movie....so I told her "one that survives..."
the next week she must have had her list out again, as she wanted to make sure I heard her when she asked me Do I have a will?, and making sure I knew to get one done sooner than later...she was just so casual, and not aware of how upsetting the conversation was, how I was not ready, and it felt like I was being interrogated!
and the way I dealt with her obvious anxiety was to stay still, not offer too much response until she started to feel and hear her words..and to deal with her feelings about my diagnosis.
still friends, but I wish she had a filter sometimes
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Rae- Yep, but the only thing that comes to mind is profanity! So, as my mama always says- If you don't have something nice to say......
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kate - I don't believe that you can't think of anything appropriate - look at your signature comment - no profanity there but the message gets across loud and clear!! - I like your style!
Rae
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When I was first dx my DIL called me and wanted to know if I had life insurance,(like I'd leave any for her) ha ha
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Rea--next time your 92 year old mother says how lucky she is to have never had a life-threatening illness, tell her that, unlike bc, old age is 100% fatal.
Squid--"what kind of survivor do you want to be"?! What an absurd question! Next time you talk to her ask her where she's getting her ideas from so we can all go there and express our outrage at how people are using the info!
mcbird--Did you ask your DIL why she wanted to know? Or better yet, "What are you going to do with your share of the money?"
I knwo there's no cure for stupid, but there MUST be some way to protect ourselves from stupid!
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Rae- Aw, Thanks!!!
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Kate - I so know how you felt. This past weekend my SIL who visits once a year with her bratty teenage daughters said to me "Well, Maddie(17 yrs old) certainly noticed your new girls. he mentioned them to me and I told her if you've got them, flaunt them even if it seems inappropriate. After all you've been through you can show them off if you want". Gee, thanks - my jaw just dropped and I walked away. Yeah, like it hasn't been hard finding a new comfort in my new body and I'm just so proud of these new, fake breasts and really really want to flaunt them because they are so much better than real breasts! Only the ladies on here know what it's like to find a new style and comfort with our new shapes and sizes - not to mention the weight gain from all the drugs etc. Sheesh! I know this weekend will be more of the same - hope I can hold my tongue
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This isn't really dumb but it was pretty funny. A very dear friend of mine - known him since 9th grade - and we have kept in touch over the years. He was one of the people I told first about the mets and the boobs going from D's to a B foob and a reduction to the other boob to match. He hadn't seen me since and we had a street dance reunion over the weekend. Over the phone, he asked if he could 'touch them' soooo when he saw me, he went to reach and stopped himself and said..."not bad". He had his new girlfriend with him so I think if she wasn't there - he likely would have...I just laughed and said 'perky little things aren't they'. Oh, the things about this crappy disease that make you laugh is just too funny - laughter does get one through the day....
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LOL! That is pretty funny!
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lowrider54
lol alright. I wonder how comfortable the new girlfriend was about him admiring your foobs and your conversation about them - I bet he had a bit of explaining to do later!
Rae
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I would love to have been able to watch the conversation where he explained everything to girlfriend! Hilarious, I bet!
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My thoughts exactly native!
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"Oh, we've always been bosom buddies and I like to keep abreast of all her news"
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ROFL leah!!!! That will keep me giggling all day at work.
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squidwitch42 -
i am full of admiration for your patience and understanding when dealing with your friend's thoughtless comments. You are a good friend.
Julie E
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Do you all find that laughing at "inappropriate times" when someone is rude or insensitive helps your mood? I'm sure some people think I'm nuts, but sometimes I think just letting it all roll off and thinking "I'm rubber your glue" like I'm in 4th grade or something helps!
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Leah - a great big LOL for that one!
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LOL Low!! This reminds me of a time when a guy reached over and touched my girls (R.I.P.) in front of all my friends.....I immediately reached out a grabbed his pair and gave them a big squeeze!! It was really embarrassing for me when I realized what I had done, but you can imagine the look on his face. My friends laugh about that moment even now!!
I really do love this thread!
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chainsawz - what a jerk! You should be proud of your actions - you have probably saved many a women from the same fate! It is definitely a moment to remember and laugh about - lol!
Rae
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awww Jelson,
thank you
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chainsawz- That was classic! Loved your reaction! ROFL! I would probably have done the exact same thing but felt no shame whatsoever!
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chanisawz - there have been several appropriate occasions! If only I'd had the.... well, you know
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I just finished rads yesterday and glad of it. My neighbor has been a gem, asking if she can help, checking on progress, willing to listen and to be a friend. Yesterday afternoon she came over to help me fill kids' school supply bags for a giveaway at a local fest. She even brought me a "finished with rads" gift of chocolate. (filled with soy, but that's not it...) What a nice neighbor!
Then while she was here, she began telling me about her weekend visitors, one of whom is a really nice gal who began getting cancer when she was 12, and who has survived 4 or 5 recurrences. About the telling of the 4th recurrence, I had to tell my neighbor "this is just too sad to hear..." and changed the subject.
I don't think she ever got that I really didn't need to hear about recurrences on the same day I finished tx... She's a dear sweet woman, but people can be clueless. Fortunately I was feeling too good to let it get to me, and just appreciated her gift of friendship. But still.....
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Well, we've all had dumb things said to us -- or else stuff that we didn't want to hear at the time. A very dear SIL told me, while I was going through tx, that her friend had just had a recurrence. Well, I was stupid, because I had asked her about this friend, and unfortunately she told me the truth. Shouldn't have asked, but then we do all want to hear good stories about other BC patients, don't we?
And I still have difficulty figuring out what to say to someone who has been newly dx'd with BC or any other cancer, or who has had progression. Lots of examples here of what NOT to say......
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"I'm here for you."
A quote from two very good friends who also had breast cancer
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Well said.
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linda- How about "I'm sorry you have to go through this"?
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Kate and Claire -- I like both your suggestions; thank you! Now I have a better idea what to say to my newly-dx'd nephew (prostate with bone mets) when I see him in a few days.
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Doesn't it seem when people find out about your bc and tx they feel like they have to tell you the "horror stories" of family, friends, etc.......just like when you are pregnant and all the women want to tell the mom-to-be the labor/delivery "horror stores"? A warm smile, a hug, support, that is all people really want with any medical situation!
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I heard a freind of my mother's say to Mom after Dad died, "I wish I knew something to say that would help." It struck me at the time as a great thing to say--acknowledging the bad situation without platitudes or empty promises of better times to come, expressed her concern, and gave Mom an opening to talk if she wanted to. I use that expression, or something very similar, in such situaitons now myself. Sometimes I just give the person a hug.
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