The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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NM -- That response is very kind and appropriate when there is "nothing to be done'. I think most of us have the inherent desire to say something that sounds positive and uplifting to the newly diagnosed. But "positivity" can be overdone, of course! My one sister (who at the time was a 13-year ovarian cancer survivor) kept saying "You'll be fine, don't worry, you'll be just fine", while my other sister (at the time a 4-year ovarian survivor) wanted me to tell her all about my tx etc. and offered encouragement without negating the seriousness of my situation. I dearly love them both but it was so much easier to talk to the latter sister. BTW, they're still cancer-free
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I think some of the stupidest comments have come from people who have no CLUE about anything pertaining to breast cancer...except that they have a friend, or a friend of a friend, or they READ about somebody who didn't have chemo and instead cured their cancer with some herb, supplement, oxygen or some such thing. I have gotten that at least three times. They feel the need to tell you this when they find out you're diagnosed.....and most of the time the cancer they're talking about is a totally different kind.
I'm going to lose it if one more person tells me that chemo is going to kill me and that I should try what "this" person or "that" person "tried". My response has been that I watched my cousin die of BC at age 32 because she refused the chemo......it usually shuts them up but not always.
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I know this sounds trivial (love the stories of grabbing body parts in response to inappropriate touching), but I'm tired of hearing how other people's hair came in "really cute" or "really curly" or whatever. My hair looks ok, but I do not feel I look like myself.
Letting the other person talk without trying to get your own story in is important. A local funeral home has some "what not to say" tips, including statements of "I know what you feel/are going thru, etc." Maybe just saying, "do you want to tell me about it" is sufficient.
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lindasa--I think only another cancer survivor can do the talking without negating the negativity and feelings the situation brings. I'm really glad your sisters are still car-free.
calamtykel--I'm with you about the things people have "tried." If those treatments were truly successful there'd be research to support it. The simple fact is that any cancer can spontanously disappear without any understandable reason. Even a small percentage of chemo cures are actually spontaneous remissions that have nothing to do with the chemo. I'm happy for the people who experience this rare phenomonon, but I'm not going to base my treatment decisions on that.
retrievermom--I can understand how you feel about hearing about how other's hair came back. I'm sorry your hair doesn't feel/look right to you. Letting someone talk without telling your own story is so important. I know the friends I appreciated the most are the ones who listened without talking about themselves. The ones who talked about themselves made me feel like they weren't really hearing me. I keep that in mind and sometimes grit my teeth when listening to someone else so I don't start talking about myself. "Do you want to tell me about it" is a great thing to say and I'm going to steal that one from you, if you don't mind!
6 weeks ago I had bilateral breast reconstruction surgery using my belly fat. The surgery took almost 30 puunds of fat and one big fat roll off my belly. While I know I am still overweight to the point of obesity, and I need to lose more weight, I look a great deal better than 6 weeks ago. The other day my mother looks at me, starts giggling, and then tells me that I look 5 months pregnant. While I was still in the hospital I remember her saying "I thought your belly would be a lot flatter." I didn't say anything to either statement, I've learned that's the best way to handle hurtful things my mom says. If I say anything it becomes a big argument about how she's "just trying to help" and how I should be more grateful for her "help." I'd really like to hear her say something positive some day.
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bcincolorado- Never thought about the similarities with the pregnancy horror stories but it is so true!
NativeMainer and retrievermom- Both great responses!!!
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While I know my MIL has no clue, and she is just trying to 'help' it never ceases to amaze me how she has EVERY s/e that I have. If I'm having trouble walking, she says she has trouble too. I have a garment for lymphedema, she has a garment for varicose veins...but...she KNOWS what this feels like for me. If I am tired, she is tired. It is really wearing on me. So last night, she noticed again I was having trouble walking and she says...'it must be something in the air'. lmao. Uh huh - yup.
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In the air between her ears, obviously!
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Here is another thread I will have to go back to catch up.
IsThisForReal ... I have an aunt like your MIL. They must be related. On the other hand I had barely gotton home from a double mastectomy when my youngest sister advised me to not "obsess" about it!
More later!
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IsThisForReal- My MIL has never called or written me once from the time of my DX in December. I don't know which is worse- a MIL that is annoying or one that ignores you all together.
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lol @ NativeMainer. True enough. This morning when I was having trouble walking she said that we both need canes! I couldn't help myself - I said that 'I am not elderly and am too young for a cane. (46 y/o) You are elderly, I have cancer. There's a difference.' I could hear her complaining to my Dh afterward. My bad. I'm sure my Dh will chew me a new one when he gets a chance.
Kate - I do know how you feel. My MIL did not call or anything either, even when my Dh asked her to. I had to go to her house in order for her to speak to me. Big Mistake. Now, my Dh is inviting her to stay weekends and whatnot with us and I could kick him. I just got back from the city where I had rads all week...to my MIL. But, it could be worse - she could be living with us like she and my DH wanted. *evilgrin*
Kmcc - maybe we should learn to stay away from these folks hey? ;-) We know they're trying to help, that's the whole thing.
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All I can say is that we moved away from our families for a reason! Of course it didn't stop my mom from moving in with US (she just left after 3 years) but it does help to not live in the same town!
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Gee, It sounds like we are all related to the same people!! My youngest Brother wants to compare scars, his gall bladder, my mastectomy, Ha I Win.
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mcbird - lol, yep, you win!
It's funny the effect this sort of dx can have on others. Two of my three brothers, who have not looked after themselves in the past, have gone health and exercise mad since my dx - one has lost 60kgs and the other 20kgs! Think this happening to 'healthy' me has scared the pants off them and they are now trying to prevent anything 'nasty' happening to them. Good luck to them is all I can say - living a fit and healthy life didn't work for me - they might be better off being unhealthy- lol.
Rae
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I never really let the "stay positive" "you look great" comments people made during chemo get to me, but recently visiting my best friend's parents while she was in town (she lives out of town, but her parents still live nearby me- they came to see me in the hospital after mx with immediate TRAM)- first thing her father says when I get there"HOW'S THE CANCER?" - all I could say- "umm it's GONE". (wanted to add its been gone since the day before you visited me in the hosptial last year dumbass!)
A bit later while introducing me to some of his friends that were there- "she almost died last year". I was a little less polite then and exclaimed "I DID NOT!!" and then politely explained to the people I'd had early stage breast cancer last year, yada yada. turns out their daughter had bc three years ago , so they knew the deal.
I was surprised at how much a couple offhanded comments from someone who meant well but truly didn't know what the hell to say upset me that day. I guess I've been lucky not to have too many people like that in my life.
A couple weeks after surgery, my Mom "accidentally" forwarded me an email she sent to her friends about me - in response to my having to give up a big trip planned for the year to go through chemo instead "Thank the Lord she has realised the first of her limitations"- yeah thank the lord, I have to postpone a dream trip of mine I've been planning for years cause I got cancer! I realized I didn't have the energy to deal with her during treatment and didn't talk to her for four months. Now we talk some and she talks about "how angry I was during that time", she had suggested I journal instead of taking it out on her- she didn't get that she just sucks the life out of me when I talk to her and what little energy I had was precious and I couldn't afford to waste it on her.I still have no regrets about shutting her out during treatment.
I guess I wish somehow the basic facts of bc treatment were more common knowledge- yes regular mammos and early detection is good- but catching it 'early' is not a guarnatee of any sort. Sometimes I feel like making a little card with a prognosis chart to hand out.
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Sometimes I think it would be best to wear a sign around my neck - "Yes, I'm the sister with the breast cancer."
I have had no comments (at least not to my face) from strangers but my family fully handled saying dumb things to me.
Now that I think about it, I'm starting to get angry. My sister told me that when they first did the bilateral mastectomy and placed the tissue expanders in "I looked very good." But after experiencing a bleed while still in the Recovery Room and taken back into surgery (to open both sides again to close the one bleed and check that there were no more) my tissue expanders looked funny. I woke up in such pain with one breast looking like a shriveled orange (I think the TE was under my arm) and the other with TE out of place so it didn't even look like I had had a mastectomy on that side and she wants me to know it used to look good but doesn't anymore! I think she as also annoyed since she had planned to visit me in the hospital after I got out of surgery. Since there were two surgeries she was "wasting" her time waiting for me to recover from the anethesia. BTW, I lost both TE's due to infection exactly one month later.
Lord, give me strength!
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kmccraw423- Unbelievable! Sometimes don't you just wish you could get rid of all your family members and just get more dogs! LOL! Yours is adorable!!!
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kmccraw423- What you went through is terrible. What your sister said was even worse! You should send her a (nasty) note of apology for having a complication that wasted her precious time. Add that you'll try to schedule your death so the funeral doesn't inconvenience her.
OK, that's probably a bad idea but it's fun to think about her reaction to it!
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Thanks sisters! And yes, I would like to replace them all with sweet dogs. Thanks for the compliment for my coton (Coton de Turlear" from Madegascar)!
My youngest sister has no boundaries and you cannot out-argue her. I ignore her. It saves energy although I think to myself "it must be wonderful to always be right!" - Not.
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Kathleen: I know a Coton, and she is the cutest thing ever.
These comments from family members cut deep, but they just keep coming. My MIL has been absolute no-show through this, and I'm glad, but I imagine she will include it in her Christmas letter. After being a no-show for her SIL's death a year ago, she wrote of her daughter's "difficult time" and her SIL's "valiant struggle." She's the one who found the funeral timing inconvenient and was called out on it.
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Retrievermom- I think your MIL and my mother are related. My mom wrote 'an Autobiography' of her sister (my aunt), who was almost 10 years older than my mother. Yes, my mother graduated from a prominent college, and even had an advanced degree. I guess she didn't know what 'autobiography' meant.
Incredible about your MIL. Is this what they call 'trouble with boundaries'? At least you know she doesn't discriminate; she's so self involved she can't see anyone but herself.
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One of my brothers, who didn't ever visit my Dad when he was in a rest home for 18 months after a massive stroke although he lives in the same city, has disappeared from my life since my dx. Apparently he doesn't handle 'sick' well - coward!!!
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Oh, how I wish my mom was still alive. She was also a survivor and my champion. My sister came, stayed with me and helped me after the original surgery. She is also my champion. My older brother stayed involved with phone calls and texts. He lives out of state. My youngest brother could not call, talk with me, whatever. Still does not.
I am a mental health provider, but learned many things the hard way. I do not allow anyone on my life bus who is hurtful and unsupportive. I have a niece that lives locally, has recently had a bi lat mast, but is the biggest drama queen in the world. I love her from a distance, but cannot allow myself to get involved in her craziness.
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Some people just cannot handle "sick" no matter what. Not sure why, not that it matters. Some of my former friends turned out to be that way. They're no longer welcome on my life bus, either.
Drama kings and queens certainly are draining, aren't they. Don't blame you for keeping a distance from your niece, mbticsw01. I do the same thing, only the drama queen I have to deal with is a co-worker. Still, I can leave it at work when I leave for home and that helps. Not the same has having one in the family.
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The" autobiography" is too much!
My sisters came to help take care of me - one for the first week then other for the second week. The first sister lived here till about 4 years ago.I was very surprised either one of them wanted or were willing to come up - not the most compassionate human beings. Well, the first one came up but tell me she is now scared to drive in the city... not particularily helpful as it is the only way to get around. Then the day I was getting released from the hospital she was there with a friend and my cousin. The Doc is going to show them how to take care of the drains. Since there are a bunch of people he says if you are squeemish you might want to step out. Guess who leaves? Yep my sister who is the one who will be helping me!
Next the other sister arrives and first thing she does it too relate how I have ruined her life. The reason, you ask? Because I was born! Not kidding, it was about an hour after she got here she proceeded to tell me how much she has always hated and resent me because I was born. She said our Mom would have taken her on trips and done so many fun things like she did with my older sister if I hadn't been born. She stayed for a week - really not sure why on earth she came. Then anything that was going on with my recovery she compared to her hysteroctomy which was so much worse and I didn't understand how easy I had it. ..... Anyway, she finally left early as she said I wasn't grateful enough for all her help. Whew just not good....
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stanzie- Sometimes do you just swear you must have been adopted, or left on the doorstep by gypsies, because there is no way you could possibly be related to these people?
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Is there somewhere that it is written that because a person is related to you that they can treat you like they want to? Have they attempted to put the shoe on the other foot? Would your sister two appreciate it if you told her that you were sorry that she was born? What a mean and nasty thing to say.....especially to the person you are there to HELP. I am sorry you had to have this be a part of your healing. Mean and nasty...that is all she was.
My sister took care of me and my drains. I was really surprised that she could do that. I figured she would be sick....nope, she put on the gloves and took care of them...on the other hand, she is older and DID like to torment me when I was little.
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Mine pales in comparison of mean nasties....but I guess it would be classified more as ignorant and mean any way. LOL
A woman I barely know that walks the same path I do with my dog stopped me shortly after surgery and asked how I was doing. All well and good. And then said..."Just had the one removed huh?" ... And when I said yes...."Hmmmmm well you probably made a big mistake not removing both because you do doubt will have cancer in the other one soon." Hmmmm Ok....and you have a nice day too Mrs. Hitler. (I thought it but didn't say it LOL.)
Bonnie
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Love the "Mrs HItler" response! Wish you had said it out loud!
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I recently had something happen to me that I thought was pretty tacky.
Evidently, our city is starting to gear up for Breast Cancer Awareness month. A friend of mine sent the local newspaper to our place of business to see if we were interested in a one-page write-up of my experience with breast cancer. I thought it a little inappropriate and THEN I saw the price they wanted us to pay for the one-page story!!! $1,000..........no thank you!!!!!
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Good grief, coonie! That's just nuts!
Stanzie ~ I'm so sorry your sisters treated you that way. I must admit, though, that I had to laugh about the first sister. Mr. Artemis has that same sister; she always want to "help" when someone's sick, but she's no help at all and actually causes more trouble for the sick person.
CatbirdC ~ lucky you meeting a cancer expert on the dog path!
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