The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Thanks everyone! I was kind of feeling like a b**** for wanting to jettison some of these people out of my life.
notself- I like your expression- emotional flu. It is so true!
bc- Definitely! I think reality tv has made everyone a drama queen. After the last year I've had enough drama in my life to last a lifetime, but I swear others thrive on it like it's their oxygen!
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Thanks everyone! I was kind of feeling like a b**** for wanting to jettison some of these people out of my life.
notself- I like your expression- emotional flu. It is so true!
bc- Definitely! I think reality tv has made everyone a drama queen. After the last year I've had enough drama in my life to last a lifetime, but I swear others thrive on it like it's their oxygen!
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bcincolorado - I hear you, but when I read your post I was thinking that I overreact to petty things these days. When someone is being irate, I wonder what is really bothering the person.
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Kate: I agree. Life is too short to be petty and be mad at people. I just don't have the energy for that drama anymore. I just want to get through the day and go home.
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I so agree with all that but at the same time I find myself easily angered over little things. Also angered when I can't remember the correct words or say the wrong thing or can't spit the words out. At times like this I know my anger is more fear based than anger but how to deal with that? Also it sometimes seem life is flying past and I'm just barely hanging on. With having cancer I want to slow down and enjoy the small lovely things in life and my children but there is just so much to do and so much stress.... I'm not sure anymore how to trust people when they offer concern or care or when they pretend that nothing has happened. How to "teach" what we need and want to hear rather than comments that end up being hurtful or offensive...... sorry probably rambling a bit...
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I don't get angry with people anymore as a rule but my BullS***t meter is pegged out most of the time and I don't give anyone a chance to set me off. I usually just distance myself and find something to distract me so I don't B***ch slap them cause I don't have money for bail.
I remembered today a lady that I used to visit with when I went to the casino and she was always so cheerful and friendly and I went in there shortly after I got my stage IV dx and she said "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that but let me give you my daughter's card, she is training to be an EMBALMER, you might give her a call", WTF!!! That was something I really needed to hear at that point.
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I'm back to work as of last week (teaching in a university) and I've found that I have almost no tolerance for bull$^##, nonsense and time wasters. I had talked about changing part of a process to decrease the amount of supplies sent (and not so coicidentally cut the number of bins I have to schlep around by 50%), her supervisor spent 20 minutes telling me why this would not work with the system she's setting up to manage inventory. OK, fine, it won't work with her system, no problem, but did she have to tell me over and over for 20 minutes? I'm afraid I let my feelings show a bit (I was trying to fix a glitch in a new computer process at the time). So, was I overreacting or just not less tolerant? Or does it even matter? Ah well, does it even matter? I'm not going to spend any more time worrying about it.
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mcbird...I think your example of an inappropriate comment takes the prize! WOW, how incredibly awful that was.0
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People are just into themselves. I recently have had a dear friend have some financial issues of sorts and she tells me that she shouldn't be getting as upset as she was over it, after all, it's not like she has cancer. WTF? She has made some other off comments lately but I cannot remember them at the moment. I really don't think she means to come off like that but then again, maybe she does, you never know what's going through their mind.
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KAC, so very well said. Most people believe they are the center of the universe and get p*ssed with us because they may have to take a step out the ring for awhile. This is quite typical for late adolescents so I guess some people have not moved on --or back into what is reality.
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mcbird - well that was so out of line I cannot speak. How can someone actually say that to someone else? Plus the EEEW factor.
OK, you funny women must come up with something grand for mcbird - Kay, Kitty, Native Marnier, Astorm ......
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The stupidest I've heard was "Don't worry, it won't kill you for a very long time." Not the right thing to say to someone with TNBC.
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I heard my former BIL was depressed, with a "why does everything happen to me" attitude, and I could feel my irritation levels go up immediately. HE's not sick. I had to calm myself and remember what a good caregiver he was to others.
I'm with you, Stanzie. I want to be appreciative of the good life I have. And pettiness at work drives me nuts now. I hole up in my office and don't involve myself in the griping that goes on. I will not join a faction for office politics.
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Stupidest thing said to me was by my mother. She had only visited me once since my surgery and this was now the first time since I started chemo. I was wearing my new wig and was feeling very self-conscious about it. I'm standing at the front door to greet her and she comes up the driveway shaking her head back and forth like she's meaning No. I can't figure out what she's shaking her head at. She steps inside the door puts her hand on my wig and says "Oh no. I don't like this at all." Thanks mom! Love ya too!!
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workmother- how horrible! your mom sounds like a piece of work! Its all about how you look you now! NOT!
My mom came to visit from 3 hours away after surgery- to "take care" of me since my dh had to go back to work after a few days- only then he got laid off so she really didn't need to be there- she just sucked the life out of the room- its always all about her- she did something else that made me very angry a couple weeks later and I decided I just could not deal with her, I didn't have the extra energy it takes to keep myself from going off on her- so I didn't talk to her at all until I was done with treatment. I know she felt hurt, but a year later I still have no regrets about shutting her out.
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Well here is one for why we should bite our tongue sometimes.....my PS has the worst rude nurse. When I had my first fill it HURT. When I commented about it,, she said "remember you CHOSE to do this!" Right, I chose to get BC, have 2 lumps, then a mx because I was bored! Well a lot of people said I should have complained about her. I didn't. I'm glad because I just found out it was his wife! Who knows how my reconstruction and exchange would have come out if I had!
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OMG!!! BCincolorado that is funny but NOT!! The wife huh...didn't see that one coming. I would have gotten myself in trouble if I were you. I would have responded "Yes but I didn't CHOOSE to have an insensitive bitchy nurse assist the doctor!" then i would have been escorted out of his office. That's terrible. I would still say something to the doctor that is beyond poor judgement on her part and your doc should know.
BUT wow the wife!
Diane
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mcbird: imagine the look on her face if you said "Thank you! Free embalming and funeral services will be so helpful to my family. Thank you for donating. When should I schedule my demise to be most convenient for your daughter?" Uggh, that comment just has no good comeback.
yellowdoglady--It won't kill you for a long time, huh? I wonder what she would have thought if you'd answered back "Good point, although I didn't know that 'a long time' was defined as 3 months." Then walk away and let her think you are going to die in 3 months. Imagine her surprise on running into you 6 months later. Then you could say "I've outlived 'a long time," I guess that means I'll live forever!" BTW, I have ayellow dog, too, a yellow lab/hound mix. She's smarter than I am, which is a bit frightening!
retreivermom--I'm with you, I'm going to take myself out of the office/academic politics and just do my job. Life is too short for all that crap. If I need to get something done I'll just be obnoxious and persistant until it happens or I get fired. Since there are way too few nursing instructors getting fired is not much of a possibility!
workmother--Mother's can be so hurtful in the guise of "helping" can't they? Whenever my mother says something negative about some way I'm coping I just want to say "I am so sorry that my attempts to live a normal life with a bc diagnosis doesn't meet with your approval. I see your point now, and I'll go home and curl up and die so I don't embarrass you any longer than necessary." I'll never get up the guts to say it, but I think it!
Alyad--your mother sounds like the kind of people I call psychic vampires. They are people who leave you exhausted and drained after being around them any length of time. A couple of collegues are like that and I minimize my interactions with them, make more use of e-mail or chat rather than face to face meetings. It helps. You did right to shut her out during your active treatment time.
bc--I can see your not making a complaint about the nurse before recon, but maybe you should say something now? Personally, I like Didel's response, and the one you had but didn't say. At least we can think these things! And a good reason to ask if any of the staff is related to the doc and avoid practices where that is the case. Yours isn't the first complaint I've heard about obnoxious, rude, insensitive or incompetent nurses that turned out to be the doc's spouse. And what happens when hubby and wife are having a big argument? The work setting must get awfully tense at times for all the other employees. Hmm, just occured to me: "Dr. X, it amazes me that such a gifted doctor would employ such an insensitive, rude nurse."
I got a comment from a student the other day. I know she meant well and didn't realize how it sounded but I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping back at her when she said "You look great! I bet getting a tummy tuck and breast job makes getting cancer worth it." What I said back was as simple "Thank you, I am pleased with the results of the recon." What I was thinking was "Yeah, 2 years of hell, physical and emotional pain, 19 hours of surgery, and a summer of not being able to do anthing is all is nothing since I got a tummy tuck and breast reduction." Obviously my job of making compassionate, thinking nurses is not yet complete with this group. . .
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mcbird, you should have said "Oh is she doing this in preparation for you (the mother)?...or; I'm being cremated, do you have a match?
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NM, love the comment about this batch of nurses. I supervise 15 MSW social workers. I have great job security with the things they manage to do daily....
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I know what you girls mean about the drama some people create. My SIL never calls me or my DH (her brother) to check on us or see how its going. Like his very recent knee recon and my bmx never happened. Yet she is forever on FB complaining about a toothache or car repair bills like her life is just so trying! She is SO off my life bus!
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Hi all,
I am finding this particular thread very comforting right now. I'm having a hard day today. Had yet another friend disappoint me. I think for me, next to the fear of dying, realizing how many people I had in my life who were not REALLY friends was the most difficult aspect of being diagnosed with cancer. My brother called me exactly once throughout my treatment; my sister never called.
Tamgam- your quote is right on target "this disease brings out the Ugly in so many people you thought were your friends/loved ones."
Kate - I agree with your comment about less tolerance about being mistreated. I sent a very clear message to the friend who disappointed me today, letting him know that we will NOT be having anymore contact, and that I was no longer interested in his excuses for his bad behavior. Even though I know it is the right thing to do, though, it's still another loss.
Karen
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NM, what you should have said to the girl was exactly the conclusion you drew, "Obviously, my job of making compassionate, thinking nurses has not yet been completed with you".
Nursing schools and medical schools have strict acceptance standards for who they take as students but, as many of us have experienced, there are always those who slip through the cracks.
Leah
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Here's how I coped with unthinking / stupid people -- I got a button (from ChooseHope.com) that says "I didn't survive CANCER just to die of STRESS" -- and when somebody did something that annoyed me I would just rub it like worry beads. I wore it attached to my employee ID badge so my boss had to look at it whenever she was giving me "constructive criticism"
Much easier than trying to figure out an appropriate comeback. (I also bought magnets with the same saying for members of my BC support group.) And for me, it's an affirmation of my power to ignore stupidity and not allow it to stress me out.
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Karen- I also struggle with the "loss" of friends and family members. It just stinks to be so let down and disappointed at such a tough time in our lives. That is what makes this thread and all our cyber sisters so special. We can all lean on each other and gather up the positve energy that we need to move on. Happy thoughts and gentle hugs to you my dear!
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I LOVE this forum.....I too have written the dumb things people have said to me..............one of the MOST stupid remarks was.........( as I had returned to work after the second chemo treatment....feeling a wee bit tired....squeamish....you know...like crap...) A co-worker came to me...hugged me and looked me square in the eyes and said "You must REALLY want to live"
I just looked at her and said...Uh...yeah?
The other most insensitive remark was..."If I ever had a mastectomy, I would probably never be able to have sex again"
I couldn't even respond to that one.....
Ladies....I believe some of what is said is out of fear.....and lack of knowledge of what it is really like. Thank God we have each other to bounce this stuff around.
Blessings...Pat
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"If I ever had a mastectomy, I would probably never be able to have sex again" WOW--we've found a surefire way to prevent unwanted pregnancy--lop off the boobs and she'll never have sex again! No sex, no babies. . . (yeah, I know babies are had without sex now).
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I've got a new "good one". A friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in awhile calls to see how I am doing. I tell her good, great etc. She says, well thank God you had the surgery before you got cancer. I said, I did have cancer, and I went over my diagnosis etc thinking maybe she didn't realize. Then she says, yes well- thats not "real cancer" I mean you didn't have chemo or anything. I stood holding the phone thinking you have got to be kidding me?! Come look at my chest and tell me if that's not real!? Of course I waited about 1 minute and said oh the baby is up from his nap, gotta run! STUPID.
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At least no sex no stupid babies. I imagine pushing the ejection button whenever someone says anything stupid. I don't care for those "breast cancer awareness" days I receive on facebook as having bc we don't need to be aware, we think about it all the time and don't need reminding.
there is a like page on facebook that came across saying something like "by the powers invested in me you have been deleted or blocked and can now kiss my ass".
Regarding the wife in the physiican's office, my husband has a policy no wives in the office that he and his partners follow. He went through two other practices who had wives as office managers and they were so nasty to the patients, not to mention the entire staff were walking on eggs all the time. One of the doctors in a previous practice was so afraid to tell his wife she had to go that he even took her on a cruise to tell her that she was let go. While they were gone , the office started interviewing for her job. He couldn't go through with it and never told her and to her surprise when she got back there were job applicants. He slept in the office for two nights. He never got rid of her and went to a solo practice with a wall constructed separating his practice. It is wise to ask first if there are wives involved with the practice as complaints will go on deaf ears.
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Umm, I do believe there is sex after bc.
Laurie - I get that a lot. I guess people think there is a "cancer lite". In fact, when I tell anyone about my experience I preface it with "I am extremely lucky" because I feel I have gotten off easy even though the reconstruction has been a rough road (I've been under general anesthesia 5 times in 13 months, plus 2x under local). I had bmx too and I don't think people really understand what that entails or the pain and emotional toll. They think it is a means of getting a free boob job. I explain it like this: "treatment has 3 elements: slash, burn, and poison. I chose a lot of slashing and 5 years of low level poison." My kids are teenagers and my mother passed away several years ago but I think I'm going to start using "oh, the baby is up" and "I think I hear my mother calling". Those who are capable may be moved to ponder the statement.
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