The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Mary -- yes, I have been a vegetarian most of my life and only eat organic produce. We do everything we can, but there are environmental issues over which we have no control and little understanding. I didn't have either BRCA gene but my mom and 2 of my aunts (3 out of 6 sisters) had bc, so I suspect there are other genes not yet identified. My approach was to do everything within my power to avoid bc, while not pretending it couldn't still happen to me.
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Gail, I hope for your sake someday they can find the gene. My mom and grandmother lived in Louisiana near the Mississippi River and I always thought mom got if from the horrible pollution there. I admit, I have not been kind to my body until about a year before I was dx because I was dx with Type 2 diabetes--which I got from my dad. Blessings to you and I wish you well.
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I also have an extensive family history but am BRCA-. My genetic material is now part of a research study trying to find other genetic markers for bc and ovarian ca.
Leah
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If all it took to avoid cancer was to eat organic food and "live healthy" there would not be any cancer. I think some of the environmental elements certainly don't help - and in fact can cause cancer but to make a blanket statement that you are in control of everything in your life is crazy.
People are so thoughtless and open their mouths before their brains are in gear.
Some of you are definitely related to my family ... an aunt who wants to "help" and just causes me work, a sister (a doctor no less) who doesn't have time for sick family, another one that has no boundaries on what she says or does. Geeezzzh
Together we can conquer anything - Lord thank you for the blessings these women give. I love all my sistahs. Had it not been for this site and you lovely sisters, I would be in an insane asylum by now!
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I still don't know whether it is worse to be insulted or ignored....last June, just when I was set to complete the final breast reconstruction surgery, my cousin, who is like a brother to me, said he would only accompany me to surgery with his two small girls because he went everywhere with them. Of course, that would severely limit his ability to be with me other that to serve as my ride to the hospital. Someone told him how upset I was with him and reminded him that I was/had been a cancer patient. He said "oh, yes, I forgot about that." Seems my family often does. You pay a penalty if you appear to be competent.
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Athena,
Ya got that right. The more competent you appear, the more rationale you behave, the less support you get.
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Yes, sometimes I wonder if things would be easier if I acted like a helpless victim. My teenage daughter took me to the hospital when I had bmx surgery. I was going to drive myself since DH couldn't take a day off work. Since I had my mom hat on I had to be brave when the radio-active injections hurt like a mother, and when the nurse couldn't get the IV in. I had surgery last week and DH tried to get out of driving me to the hospital again (an hour drive). The truth is, I really don't *need* much support but I shouldn't feel like it's such a huge favor when I do ask for help. Even us competent, independent types need someone to act like they care.
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AStorm...Gail, I do think that your are correct. A few of my dearest friends didn't step up to help right away because I wasn't acting needy. I just made plans to get things done like I always do and didn't whine or act helpless. Maybe I felt whiny and helpless, but I wasn't going to let that show. And that was MY error. Once I started asking for more help, they jumped in. It wasn't in my nature to be helpless, but I've seen the benefit of giving in to that mindset. So now sometimes even if I can do things myself, I still accept the assistance if it's offered. On occasion those friends even 'hover'. While I don't enjoy that, I still appreciate that it's a darn sight better than being ignored.
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This week a very nice woman I know in one of the offices I deal with professionally commented on my "cute little round face from the steroids". I'm not thrilled about gaining weight and having a moon face right now, but strangely, it didn't bother me so much coming from her. She is a bc warrior, too, having had a MX nearly three years ago. It made me think that what someone says really depends upon who they are and where they've been. Having walked this cancer road herself, her comment didn't sting so much. Of course, it obviously bothered me enough that I'm writing about it here...but I guess it's just because I hate having this extra weight on me and know I'll have to begin dieting soon! I know I've gotten fat but was hoping no one else noticed!
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when I was preganant people said I glowed but I knew it was just my fat, round, red face they were seeing
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I feel your pain this radio station Johny Dare - he said on his radio show yeah she gets a new free pair of boobs, so well you know what i liked the ones that I had thank you very much. Expanders dont feel very good why dont you take your fat ass in there and get some expanders - see what they feel like -
melisa
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The really worst thing for me was when I was first dx'd and just finished surgery and was preparing for chemo. I had a very good prognosos...clear lympy nodes, and was feeling optimistic about the future although not happy about having to do chemo.
Our inlaws decided to pay us a "mercy" visit. On the way home from the airport she and I sat in the back seat while the men sat in front. She had kind of a faraway secret smile on her face. Then she starting talking to me about hospice, how "wonderful" it was, how important it was. I told her was*NOT* interested in talking about hospice now, but she kept on talking. She had to be told this repeatly before she stopped.
Then during the visit, she talked nonstop about her fibromyalgia as though she was in a competition for the most attention. I didn't even bring up my situation so we all ignored it. She had to be waited on hand and foot and did nothing to contribute to meals or even keeping her bedroom or bathroom neat, even though I was recovering from surgery and not at my best. Towards the end of the visit, I tried on a few of the wigs I had bought for a little comic relief. She look disapprovingly as I modeled each one, pointing out...that doesn't hang right, that one just doesn't work. This was looks reallyl messy...she was hopeless!
We don't see much of her anymore.
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bopeep- sorry that you had do deal with such an insensitive fool! Good for you not having to see much of her anymore. That passive/aggressive is the worse to deal with. I get it a lot from my own MOTHER! I wonder if she even remembers that I had to go through BC and a BMX to get my "huge" (her words spoken with disdain) boobs. She is quite insensitive unless others are around so she can "act" upset. At least my Mother in Law and SIL came to visit once (SARCASM!). She barely spoke to me, brought me a CHEAP/Very cheap house plant and never called to check on me again. Luckily, my DH FINALLY realized the cruel way they have treated me and barely calls them. I wish them no harm but I always thought we had a decent relationship and it hurt! but this disease brings out the Ugly in so many people you thought were your friends/loved ones.
Luckily we have each other. Rock on girls!♥
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veggy- LOL! Love the addition of the cracking fire and screams!
kmccraw- If you would have been in the insane asylum I probably would have been your roommate! This site saved my sanity as well. I was going to spend the money on a therapist but now I just send it to BCO.
bopeep- From all the posts I have read it has been determined that MIL's are #1 on everyone's top 10 list of "people who treated you like crap when you were going through BC treatment". For some reason us having BC just brings out the worst in them. Wish there was a special trapdoor for them, too.
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Barbe - my father in law had papillary carcinoma, too. He was diagnosed with BC the month before my sister! Unbelievable! I'm so glad I found this site. It's where I figured out that being triple negative can be scary and to be very aggressive with it!
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Okay - another dumb thing people say to me all the time... "so what's the prognosis.... is the chemo working?" I know, I know... they just don't know about cancer, but sometimes it just gets plain annoying! I refer a lot of people to my Caring Bridge site, so I don't have to tell my story over and over again. Another great website besides BCO!!!
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Astorm - I'm glad you made your comment to that girl and then unfriended her. Sometimes people need to have their audience reduced! I unfriended someone who was being cruel to her family on FB tonight. I didn't send her a personal message because she feeds off drama. Just decided I didn't need to deal with that negativity either! This girl that made that comment has no idea how many people get cancer and have lived healthy lives (and unhealthy ones). Cancer does not discriminate!
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Now that I'm done with treatment I find myself weeding out a lot of people from my life- on Facebook and in real life. I find I have a lot less tolerance for being mistreated overall. Anyone else feel this way?
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Kate, I, too, took an inventory of who I wanted in my life and who was off the life bus. None of us ever wanted to have BC, but one good thing about it and going thru treatment has taught me that I don't get to do any of this again. This is not dress rehearsal for my life. Knowing that, who is important to keep in my life and who is not. They don't call us survivors for nothing. I work with veterans all day, some who have seen combat. They are not the same as they were before they fought for us and for their own lives. We fought and continue to fight for our own lives everyday because unfortunately for us, this won't ever go away. Sorta like my combat vets experiences--they are no longer physically in the battle, but it never goes away.
How we decide to take care of ourselves is up to us. I started using FB when I was going thru chemo and I love it, but I have either unfriended some or just not have their posts come up because I'm not interested in their life stuff or their farmville experiences.
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mbtlcsw01-
your point well taken about the combat veterans, I had to scroll up to be sure, but indeed the name of this particular board is Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!!!
it doesn't go away, it affects our relationships and the way we deal with events in our lives - yet it is also different, since, although we didn't choose to re-enlist, we can be "called-up" at any time.
Julie E
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Kate,
I, too, have had to throw people off my life bus. I knew these people were negative most of the time and I just couldn't have that in my life any more. Felt bad at first but it definitely gets easier as time goes on. It's amazing how much negativity (is that a word?) is out there.
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Kate - yes, I have decided to discontinue some relationships. I don't usually confront people, I just stop participating, but in my mind I'm saying, "life is sacred and I will not allow you to pollute mine with your profanity."
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There's a terrific motivational speaker named Jon Gordon. One of his books is called "The Energy Bus". It's about team building as well as being and staying positive. One of the 10 rules of the book is "No Energy Vampires on My Bus". Removing negative influences is paramount to success. So de-friend on Facebook all you want. It's healthy! Personally I'm thinking of just deactivating my account because it all just aggravates me. If I want to talk to or write to someone I can do that, without all the rest of what I have come to consider nonsense. And serioulsy, how can anyone really have over 500 friends?
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I had to chuckle thinking about this. We really hate the "just be positive" stuff in the beginning, but later we get rid of some who may have even said that to us, because of their negativeness.
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mbtlcsw01...Mary, are you poking fun at my negativity about FaceBook? (Hee..Hee!)0
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Hi Bon, well yes and no. As I read the threads since I last posted, it really came to me that we have soooo many people say to us when we are in the heat of the battle with treatment "just stay positive" and then some of those same people are really so da*m negative. Glad to see you doing well, Bon and your mom is getting better. That is good medicine in itself.
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Well, mbtlcsw01, I knew my post would get a rise out of someone! I think we are all positive and negative at once...a sort of 'bi-polar', if you were. To stand up for yourself on a positive front is to be negative about something, too. It's a basis for decision making, to be discriminating, ie, choosy, about what you will and will not accept. Plus on one side, minus on the other...ditch the minus column. When something just doesn't have any positive energy left for you, kick it to the curb. Especially now, when we have all been challenged so much by this disease. No Energy Vampires Allowed!
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It could be that I am overly sensitive but I think people are getting more inconsiderate and in some cases just plain meaner. Perhaps it is just an emotional flu that has overtaken the nation and is showing up in odd ways.
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notself, you have some very good points there. Sometimes I think we've lost the art of conversation and just plain good manners. We are in such a rush to live, I think we forget about relationship.
Bon, I'm a clnical social worker. I've learned lots about boundaries long ago before all this happened to me. During my dx, surgery, tx phase, I knew I was not acting/responding like I typically would, but I just don't put up with alot of crap. I've seen too many people lose large chunks of their lives trying to do all/be all for someone else and then really hating it and the person they were trying to help. I've gotten old enough and my faith belief system has helped me to not have animosty toward those who I have let off my life bus. I wish them well, but I cannot afford to have them "suck me dry." Blessings ladies.
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Does anyone find themselves overly annoyed at people who get upset at trivial things at work or with family member dynamics? They spend their day being grouchy and complaining. I just spent a whole day at work like that and I found myself being so upset and annoyed at the bitterness. After dealing with a serious illness I just feel like so much of this stuff just does not really matter and they should be happy to live their lives and be happy to be alive!
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