The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I know !! My dogs have the perfect loving answer. When I told them about my mammogram showing abnormality and that I was petrified of BC, they just licked my face with their tails wagging. Maybe we should all just go around licking peoples faces when we don't know what to say
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grannydukes, how about "I appreciate your concern but this time is for (fill in the blank)."
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Just a quick note.. my DIL who I have known since she was 16 and have been there for her over and over and over again for so many many reason (some huge) didn't show up to support her husband, my son during my surgery she had vollyball practice... I am having a difficult time forgiving her and yet she isn't aware of doing anything wrong... SHE DIDN'T SUPPORT MY SON WHILE HIS MOTHER WAS HAVING MAJOR SURGERY.. so it isn't always the MIL!!!
I love them and really feel bad when I know that I wasn't even important enough for her to stop by while I was in the hospital.. I can't throw her "under the bus" as someone said here but I don't think our relationship will never be as good as she always tells everyone it is.. and perhaps, more to the point, I believe my son has been hurt and I'm no longer sure their marriage will survive! Sure they have other things that could break them up but not being an anchor for each other is a very melicious thing when it comes to marriage IMO - in our family you are there and she just wasn't after years of experiencing that type of family loyality.. ((Oh that has been on my chest (no pun)) for several years I'm glad to have this space to relieve myself of it and hopefully allow the light of our old relationship back into our life in a new way... Thanks guys! 0 -
GrannyDukes: To people I don't know well, I just say "I'm going through some health challenges right now, and I'd rather not go into the details. But thanks for your concern."
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Dierdre -- please remember that different families have different expectations -- my DH was from an "everyone in the waiting room" family, mine was different: my father stayed home the day my mother had surgery (probably no further than 6 inches from the phone) because there wasn't anything that he could do for her in the hospital.
And,in fact, I took the bus to the hospital for my cancer surgeries and my daughter went to work and came by with the car to pick me up when I was ready to go home -- and in my mind she was "there for me" when I needed her.
So -- maybe your son and DIL were OK with how they supported each other for your surgery. You say this has been bothering you for several years -- hope that letting it out will help you improve your relationship with her.
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Yes Lauri families definately differ, but not in this case! And my son is not ok with it nor has he been since it happened. There are certainly other problems he and his wife face after many years of marriage but that was the icing on the cake. We all took care of each other until this.. My comments were to show that it isn't always the MIL that is the culprit in this case the DIL was. And after years, and years of being "the best MIL in the world" (her words) Vollyball practice just doesn't cut it as an excuse after all we have been through together. As other's have said above, we see who our true "friends and family" are when something major happens.. She just was not there.. and it is a great loss to me personally - it was a red flag for my son (per our discussions).
In our family model (both mine and theirs) it's not ok to leave someone in the operating room without emotional and moral support (or anywhere in the hospital for that matter) and that is based on some very heavy family trauma's. She just didn't think that it "was very important" because now "breast cancer is no longer a major threat" so she wasn't at the hospital during the surgery, after the surgery, or for months at our home to visit and that has, most certainly, changed our relationship. Suddenly, when she needed me again that's when I heard from her! The difference is that now when I respond to fulfill her needs I feel like I'm being used.. Yup the relationship is now very different! A very sad ending to what I had always believed was a very good relationship..
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Deirdre1 _ yup DIL really messed up!!! Now, the question is how to repair damaged relationship? Obviously when your son married her, she becomes part of the family and if there are children involved, it's even more crucial to stay together.
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Deirdre- I can definitely empathize with your situation with your DIL as I have the same one going on with both adult stepdaughters. I have known them since they were born and have been their stepmom for over 16 years. They both live in town and only saw one of them after one of four surgeries. I feel as though their attitude as forever changed our relationship as well. I can tell them how hurt I was but it doesn't change who they are and I don't really think they would "get it". We complain a lot about different people on this thread but when it is someone who is supposed to be close to you the cut goes much deeper.
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Tankforgranted: You are so right about holding families together! And there are kids involved so I have no intention of walking away, I love those kids as if they were my own - and I loved her when your mom and dad thru her away because they didn't like the choices she was making (religious). And, now, for once, maybe even for the first time - the ball is in her court.. And I didn't want the relationship to change - but it has and now there is a new relationship - and it's difficult to imagine that it will ever be the same.
Kate! Thanks - yes the cut is so deep! And there is always the HOPE that things can return to the way they were, but it just seems impossible to get there from here.. But I'm working on it! I often wonder what people say to themselves to release them from what seem to be almost a natural extention (at least it is with me) this ESPECIALLY when there is love involved! You spent years with those girls and yet they don't see how hard this would be one you - how does one family member allow themselves this disconnect in such a way? I love how we were all a tight knite family and I guess there is a grief of the loss of something that, perhaps, was never in the other person's heart.. It really is sad!
Footnote: In reading this perhaps what has happened is their own fear of cancer? And if they accept someone close to them having it it makes it too real to them? Fear is such a dangerous emotion and yet it's the first one we jump to when we are dx'ed with cancer - perhaps other's in our life jump their too!!!
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As Matriarch of my family, I have learned that I can not change others as I wish, but I can control how my own response to their actions. If I response poorly, there is usually negative results to the outcome. I feel responsible for keeping my families peace.
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Deirdre - I've heard the "fear" defense... my DH disappears when I have surgery and he is an adult.
Kate - those young women probably are scared. My daughters (14 and 16 when this started) were very scared, but I thought it was important to keep them informed. They are less scared now because they have watched me get through it. I guess we have to consider the bigger picture... do those who disappear when we need them seem otherwise caring? Or are they just generally oblivious to the needs of others? I decided that my DH didn't qualify for the fear defense and told him exactly how I feel when he goes remote. On the way to the hospital a couple of weeks ago we were discussing a friend who has bc and may be having chemo. My DH lost his sister to ovarian cancer and associates chemo with that tragedy. I told him I chose the bmx because I had to make sure (or as certain as possible) that I wouldn't have a recurrence which would involve chemo because his lack of emotional support would have been unbearable even though I realize it is fear and not a lack of caring. He was listening, so I told him exactly what I expect and things have been much better. Many of my friends thought that since I was so stoic about the whole experience that I didn't want to be treated like a patient so they just stayed away. Of course, the one with bc understands and we have been good support for each other.
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When I went in for my surgeries, I did not want anyone to be there except my husband. He was there. The rest of my family stayed home as I wished. I did not feel like I had to be brave around everyone. They all waited for the phone call.
I had to shake my head at the stupid comments people make. Most of them haven't had cancer and just don't know what to say. Some just stay away in fear they will say the wrong thing. I stay away from them too. And then you have those negative, life sucking people that for my own good I stay far away from. I started therapy to help me get through this whole ordeal and do not want inlaws to know. I would never hear the end of it. I love reading some of the come backs you've shared and will be using them.
Sorry about rambling.
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Veggy - ramble on girl! I love reading all the comments on discussion board. It helps me keep my mind off my own problems and fears. (((hugs))).
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Kate, I agree with Astorm at their age and being female I think it is fear. I know how much that must have hurt you and hopefully when you can talk to them and explain how it felt because they mean so much to you then they will have learned a tremendous lesson and hopefully a very loving lesson which will make them more compassionate and empathetic in the future. I remember being in my 20's and thinking I was so invincible and that I could do no wrong just to have that hit me in the face many times before I totally got it. I think I would have preferred that lesson to have come from someone I loved rather than work and peers.
Probably also why all these dumb comments hurt so much is our own fear coming into play. We so need love and support and compassion at this time but if I don't get it I think sometimes deep inside I feel or think maybe I'm not worth it, or maybe they don't care, or maybe I should be stronger. I think overall I'd take dumb comments even hurtful ones as long as you could air it out together over being totally ignored. I know, people ignore for lots of reasons but it is easier to excuse something stupid over not being there at all.
I also know life gets in the way but I remember being very hurt when a good friend chose not to come to my Wedding because of finances then sent me a hugely expensive gift when what I wanted was for her just to be there and make that the gift but she didn't understand that. Later when my parents died I was so overcme by some of the people who came and made the effort that now given the choice I'd go to a funeral first over a Wedding as there are some occassions and some situations where you just need to be there for other people no matter what. Sorry I'm rambling....
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Okay, this one just happened...
I was talking on the phone to my mom and she rambles on about a friend of hers. I met this person one time. She goes on to tell me that her friend's BIL died from cancer. I yelled into the phone, "Why do I need to hear this?" She got really quiet. I yelled, " I don't need to hear who died from cancer especially those I don't know!" (the sistas here are different because I love ya guys) She then tried to change the subject to something happier. I'm furious. The doors just opened up and another one gets thrown into the crackling fire, screaming. I want to bang my head against the wall over and over and over again.
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veggy- I think banging their heads against the wall would be so much more satisfying!
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Kate - How true!0
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Veggy - but you have cancer with a little "c"... not that ugly kind that kills. Mom needs to believe this. Sometimes those close to us don't allow themselves to go there and thay actually "forget" who they are talking to. When my DH hurts my feelings I just remind myself that although he knows everything, he doesn't know about my dx at the deepest level of consciousness from which those unconscious thoughts are uttered.
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Deidre1
it is esp sad that your DIL continues on thinking that her relationship with her MIL is fine, when you are so disappointed in her. Have you spoken with her about it? Explained that there is something bothering you that you would like to talk with her about. How you have loved her for so many years but, you are finding it hard to forgive her for her lack of support for you during your surgeries and treatment. It is as if the relationship is one way, when it is two ways, you have expectations of her which she failed to meet.
Julie E
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I understand. But the more I read about TN the more scared I am. I'mk nw realizing how aggessive it can be. I am still very bitter and angry about my experience and little things set me off. Right now my best friend was dx with stage 4 breat cancer and it is in her spine. Makes the "C" word more unpleasant to hear.
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Oh, veggy, I'm so sorry about your freind. And I understand why you are feeling scared. The "C" word is such a stupic, scary, maddening word to hear.
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Veggy - I'm so sorry - sounds like you are just being hit in so many directions..... Just hate this horrible disease for all of us!
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Oh, Veggy, so sorry. Since my dx, a friend was also dx and another friend has recurrence Stage IV mat in her lungs. In my mind, there is not little "c". It all sucks.
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veggy - sorry your Mum of all people cannot realise that that sort of comment must upset you. I had "you are cured now aren't you?" today from a women who I meet every fortnight for coffee and who has been through the whole BC process with me. I managed to stammer out 'no, I am in remission - there is no cure for cancer' and then felt quite panicky for a while. If I see a conversation going in the 'cancer' direction I can usually steel myself for questions but that came right out of left field and left me feeling quite yucky - I know exactly how you must have felt.
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When I get the oh but you're okay now thing thrown my way I usually throw right back at them...well no actually I'm dying a slow death........Nasty I know but sometimes it feels good to be nasty particulaly when it's been a bad day.
Peace and strength to all.
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Chrissyb ... ask those idiots to define "okay."
As for family, mine put the "fun" in dysfunctional! I learned as a little girl that if I wanted someone to take care of me I had better do it myself. During this whole breast cancer thing, I re-learned that lesson. Yes, it hurts to the core but they are who they are.
I, too, used to be the peacekeeper. No more! Let them work out their own problems. And I can certainly relate to they only call when they need something. While I can't change them, I can certainly change my reaction to them. That is a work in progress and really, really hard!
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I love the "slow death" line--can I steal it? There have been a few occasions when that would have been the perfect comeback. I usually just say "I'm good (pause) for now." Sometimes that starts a conversation and I can educate someone about cancer "cures" but most of the time it just goes right over the asker's head. Then there are time when I just lie and say, brightly, "Yes, thank God." and change the subject. Some people (read: idiots) aren't worth the trouble of trying to educate.
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NM, feel free to use the line anytime you like and that goes for anyone else too.
Peace, strength, love n hugs. chrissy
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Thank you everyone for understanding. I don't think my mom means to be that way. I just think she doesn't think before she speaks. I went to bed upset and didn't sleep much.
I like the comment - "slow death".
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So interestingI was wondering just the other day, how people answered that question as I want to say I'm OK to make them feel better but it just always brings a sick feeling in my stomach cause I hope I am but don't know for how long..... Thanks
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