The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
I must admit, that I am probably lucky in the fact that it's not my family that says stupid things but acquaintances; my family and that includes mother and siblings are fairly supportive.....maybe because my brother paved the way by dying of cancer three years ago.
Peace, strength, love n hugs
0 -
chrissyb - that's terrible. I'm so sorry for everything you're going thru right now.
0 -
Thanks tkn4granted, I miss my brother but I have a very special relationship with my SIL and for that I am truly grateful. I am at peace with the world and the disease and I live each day with the wonderment of a child. I take note of each and every thing that happens in the day and thank god that I am here.
Peace, strength, love n hugs. chrissyb
0 -
has anyone ever had this line said to them? "you're young and you're fight thru this". I just want to bash their head against a tree.
0 -
Yes, but I kind of like the "you're young" line since I'm 53.
0 -
LadyinBama- Ditto!
0 -
and then I'd like to say to them " since you're not using your brain, It must not matter if it turns into mush".
0 -
I guess I am glad that I'm young (45 yrs), but it's like they're minimizing the stress I'm going thru right now. I still don't know if I have BC or not, but waiting for biopsy to be done on the 27th. It's like they are putting voodoo on me before I even find out.
0 -
I have a love/hate relationship with this thread! I love that I laugh at so many funny responses to incredibly insensitive and just plain stupid remarks! I hate that you all go through so much emotional stress when what we all need most is love and peace!
0 -
Even my DH thought I was cured. Wishful thinking on his part. The way I explained it to him is that it is something that my own body did and we are trying to prevent my body from doing it again. It is not like a bacterial infection or a virus. Whenever anyone else tells me I'm "cured" I say that would be great... I'd get my picture in a lot of medical journals! Maybe I'd even be on Oprah!
0 -
People react in all sorts of ways to bc news, and often behave badly with the best intentions. What I found was that essentially everyone I knew fell into three groups:
1) The Departed, who run for the tall timber, whether from fear or just in case you might need something from them;
2) The Groupies, who just can't get close enough to all that drama and treat you as if you could die by morning; and
3) The Real People, who treat you like they always did, and will offer appropriate comments and assistance. Real People don't send flowers every week when you could really just use some help around the house. Real People never, ever call on the last day of chemo wanting to go out to celebrate.
Sadly, my stepmom is one of The Departed, and I have three siblings who are Groupies. The neighbors, coworkers and closest friends stayed Real.
Anybody have a different experience?
0 -
yellowdoglady....you said it best.
0 -
I agree with grannydukes, you said it yellowdoglady. But, what else can you expect from someone who has Goldens as her avatar.
I think that I am one of the lucky ones, most of the people around me have been Real. Well, except for my SIL (married to my DHs brother) who I have only heard from once, and only in reply to an email I sent out to my friends and family. She said that she didn't want to intrude on what was such a personal experience. But then, this is the same person who, when our house burned down a few years ago, didn't call us once to see how we were doing. I think that I should throw her under the bus.
0 -
yellowdoglady
what a brilliant analysis of peoples reactions; this too has been my experience
best to you!!
0 -
Yellowdoglady,
You got it, love the breakdown.
It reminds me, I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress," and there was a woman who had breast cancer that was spotlighted. I may be a standalone on this, but I felt very 2ish about one of her friends. (the one that was interviewed..could have been more 2's in their group:) So she was breaking down telling the story of how some of them chose to shave their heads along with their friend that had cancer. It was her reaction that was really unsettling, for a moment, I felt like she believed she was the one facing great tragedy. It was very creepy.
totally fine with the gesture, not for me, but I'd give her a 2, then run away! run away!
0 -
I've got a couple of subtypes of the Groupies. One seems to think I'm some kind of status symbol for her to get attention by telling everyone she knows about her "dear friend's brave struggle". I just roll my eyes.
The other is the smothering "Oh, is there anything I can do for you?" on and on, and then suddenly the conversation turns completely around to how her life sucks. Kinda like, "I gave you some sympathy and support and now I want the same thing from you."
Drama queens, both, but I just let it blow in one ear and out of the other. They're still better than the previously close buddy who has been conspicuous by her complete absence since I told her I had cancer.
Thankfully, my family have been wonderful and supportive, and there have been people I wasn't especially close to before who really stepped up to the plate without being asked. Those are going to stay closer friends now. I lost some friends, but I gained some, too. I'm OK with that.
0 -
As a subgroup of the Departers, I would add the Promisers. These are people who keep in contact and promise to visit and help if asked but are never available if asked to help and never quite make it to the house to visit. I think they feel they can't turn their back on the situation but can't face it full on either so they say the right things but can't back it up with action.
0 -
My family has not brought it up since my surgery. My one sister does fit category 2 ... she loves telling people (even total strangers) that her sister had breast cancer. I did, however, meet so many wonderful women on BCO and that comforting.
I am so sorry many of you have to go through this nonsense. I dismiss it with humor but when its family and friends, it really hurts.
And the next time one of those ''fair weather friends' tell you that they want to help, nail them to the wall. Have a list of chores you need done. Say "yes, you can. I need such and such. The 30th of this month works for me. How about 10:00 a.m.?"
0 -
To be honest, raeinnz, I don't know how people live with themselves like that. I have a few of those: I'll come help out, never did. Just don't even bother saying it!
I think the thing that's hardest for me is that had it not been for my family, I would have been in some serious trouble. Like needing to hire help or something. I guess this is life in the 21st in a city: not a single hot meal, no offers for cleaning, errands...just the "let me know if I can help" vagaries that are too much trouble to follow up with, and are most likely insincere to begin with.
And yes, don't get me started on the "oh, haven't talked to you in years, how are you?" Reply: cancer. No answer.
But, on the positive side, my family was absolutely amazing, and I'm so totally grateful. I don't know what I would have done without my mother and father and husband.
0 -
Hadley, contact your local Acoholics Anonymous to get in to meetings for yourself as a co-dependant. You deserve the care they will give you and they will have lots of support and advice for you. God bless!
0 -
Hi Hadley, you have found the right place to come to receive the support you need as each and every one of the ladies and a few men have been through a lot of what you are going through. You are allowed to rant and rave all you like because we don't mind at all and if it's a long rant, that's okay too. Your first priority now is you and you need to do what ever you need to in order for you to heal. It also sounds like you could do with some support when it comes to your dads' drinking. Have you ever been to an Allanon meeting? It is a support group for partners and family of alcoholics and it is very helpful.
I know you said that your dad lets you stay there rent free, but is not paying rent helpful when you live in such horrendous circumstances? wouldn't it be better to live quietly on your own? at least that would allow you some peace of mind. You do not deserve any of whats going on in your life and you are not responsible for your father's drinking nor for the fact your mother left. The only person you are responsible for is yourself and you did not cause your breast cancer.
I really do understand how you are feeling about this as my husband is an alcoholic but lucky for me he has been clean an sober for 25 years now but I do remember times when it was quite different, so when I say that someone here has been through what you are facing I really meant it.
I think the fact that your dad went and is going to all your appointments with you tells me that he really does care what happens to you so he hides in his drinking and the yelling and abuse comes from not knowing what to do.
There are threads on these boards that are for younger people and also diagnosis specific but you are welcome anywhere. Please visit the boards often, you will be amazed at the people you will meet. We all come here for friendship, support, when we are feeling worried or a bit blue, to have a laugh or just chat and you can join us. Above all here there is love.
Peace, strength, love n hugs. chrissyb
0 -
Hadley - if you are shy about going to Al Anon - a very good organization, perhaps there is a social worker at your hospital who can help you find a way to get out of your father's house. Clearly you are not living there for "free". The cost is dealing with an alcoholic. That's pretty expensive!
0 -
Hadley: You should check out AlAnon, that's the group for families. (You can go to AA meetings, so long as they are Open meetings. I don't want you to have a bad first experience by getting kicked out of a closed AA meeting.) It really helps and you can sit there and not say a thing until you are comfortable.0
-
Hadley Al Anon meetings ASAP. This is for you, not your family.
0 -
Stanzie-I used to feel the same way. Didn't want to lie, but didn't want to upset people. Then I realized that I am strong enough to handle the truth but a lot of people around me aren't. It's my job as the stronger person to protect them, so I lie and say I'm fine, then change the subject. Sometimes we just have to be the "better" person and protect the weaker people around us. It's probably not true, but it gets me through many a conversation without having to go into details and then have to spend a lot of energy comforting some casual acquaintance.
Chrissyb-I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It's so hard to lose a family member, and then to have a similar diagnosis crop up in the family again. . . {{{hugs}}}
Tkn4granted-the thought of spending the rest of your life in a battle is very overwhelming. Maybe you can say to the bone heads "If I'm going to be in a battle for the rest of my life I'm going to need lots of help from you. Can I put you down for the overnight shift taking care of me every Thursday from now until I die?" That should shut them up. Or maybe "Fight for my life? What a WONDERFUL idea! I would NEVER have thought of doing that! I was going to lay down and die, but fighting is a MUCH better idea!"
EJandKJsMom-how insensitive and unsupportive! I wish I could walk up to that partner and ask him or her "Do you know why she shaved her head? Do you know that kind of comment is discriminatory to someone with cancer according to the ADA? I wonder how you'd feel if I filed a discrimination complaint?" I bet it would be entertaining to watch the partner try to dance out of that one!
AStorm-the whole "cured" thing is tiresome, isn't it? Did you know the 5 year without recurrence = cured came from the time when most people didn't survive treatment? If you survived treatment and then lived another 5 years you were a rarity. Everyone assumed you were cured because we had so little data to go on. Now that more people are surviving treatment we're gaining survival and recurrence data and Surprise! Most cancers aren't considered cured anymore. The general public is slow to pick this up, mostly because the press doesn't like to go there.
Yellowdoglady-you hit the nail on the head nicely with your 3 groups! The only different experience I had was that some of the Real People became the Departed when my medical issues (complications from treatment) started taking over my life the year after treatment finished. One actually told me that she couldn't deal with idea that this was going to go on for a long time, I was supposed to get treated, get better and be over it. She just couldn't "stand the uncertainty" of my situation. Like I wanted to be still dealing with pain, surgery, antbiotics, IVs, etc.
Hadley-Call the center where you see your oncologist and ask to speak with the oncology social worker. These people are trained to work with people with a cancer diagnosis and help work through issues of relationships, your reactions to everything that has happened to you, and to assist with connecting you to resources to help with the financial end of things as well. You may well qualify for assistance with an apartment or other living situation, there are resources/supports for people affected by alcoholism and/or abusive relationships. An oncology social worker can help your father understand what is going on and help him address his concerns/fears/helplessness, too. You both deserve some help, and it's available, so take advantage of it. Don't worry about posting in the "wrong" place. Any place you post you will find women who understand. I, for one, have posted many a long and rambling rant over the last 3 years and always be received with compassion and caring. Every so often that's what's needed. You ask who will take care of your Dad if you don't-the answer is that your Dad needs to take care of himself. He is an adult. You cannot change him or make his choices for him. It is not your responsibility to take care of him. You are not responsible for him. The only person who can be responsible for another adult human being is God. Neither you nor I are capable of managing another adult's life. Stop taking on an impossible job and start focusing on yourself.
0 -
Hadley, if you call Al Anon (sorry I didn't have the right term when I posted earlier) they will have someone pick you up and take you to the meeting. It is THAT important! As for your Dad, he is as sick as you were with your cancer. Alcoholism is a very serious disease and it's not his fault. Just as getting cancer wasn't YOUR fault. You both need and deserve help. Ask for it.
0 -
Hadley: You definitely have much support and I agree, a social worker can probably help you find resources to help you where you are supported in your community. You have support here, of course, but you might need immediate physical assistance at times as well. You need to focus on getting you better first and fel comfortable in your living situation.
0 -
Just having such a bad day today. My oldest friend in the whole world (30+ years) had become, in the words of yellowdoglady, one of the "Departed" during the past 9 months. I was just so hurt so I decided to tell her everything I was feeling in a heartfelt letter. Her response was to tell me that she was "disheartened that I keep bringing up what an inattentive friend she has been" and that "I obviously I can't remember any of the positive things she has brought to the friendship over the years but can only focus on any insensitivity on her part". Then proceeded to tell me that "she has not been doing well. That she is lonely and depressed because her daughter got engaged and moved out and her son went off to college and now she is all alone". (She is divorced.)
So I guess a little old thing like having BC and getting a BMX just can't compare to raising two children to adulthood and seeing them leave the nest (as they should) and I just shouldn't expect her to be there for me with all of that going on! The saddest part is I can't believe I wasted 30 years on a friendship like that.
0 -
kate - nothing in life is wasted and the years of friendship you had with this lady must have been happy or your relationship wouldn't have lasted that long. Maybe she has always been like this but because your life has altered, the way you see her has altered or your expectations of her as a friend have changed. This is not quite the same but I had a long term friend, well I thought she was a friend, who gave birth to a severely disabled (cerebal palsy) son, and I spent hours and hours a week for years helping her give him special therapy sessions and generally supporting her as her husband had become one of the Departed. I had small school age children at the time but gave everything I could to help. When her boy went to school and my help was no longer useful to her, she just moved on - immersed in what she was doing for her son - and that was the end of the friendship. I was incredibly upset for a long time - I just couldn't, and still can't, understand how she had been able to throw away a long standing friendship like that but I finally realized that I will never understand because I am not like her. I am a giver, she was a taker. Maybe you were the giver in your friendship Kate and when your friend needed to give instead of take she just couldn't do it? My heart goes out to you - I know how you hurt.
NM - your posts are always so intelligent, well thought out and sensible - I would really like you on my side if I was going into battle over something. Guess in your profession you have seen all sides of people and life in real living colour.
edited for spelling - because always gets my fingers in a muddle!
0 -
Hi Kate,
If your friend is indeed suffering from depression it may just be that her illness is preventing her from giving you what you need. That does not reflect on her concern for you, but merely her own inability to give right now. Depression can be serious. If she is divorced and her children have left maybe she is having difficulty find a new "role" for herself in life. If I didn't have my children or my husband I think I would be lonely too.
I am not saying you are wrong to feel neglected, cancer is tough, as we all know. However other people have problems and sometimes the severity of the problem is not really the issue, but more the individual's ability to cope. Perhaps she is not coping. That doesn't mean that she thinks her problems are worse than yours, just that she is not coping.
If you have been friends with this lady for a long time and she does have qualities that you obviously value, perhaps it might be worthwhile to forgive her. Sometimes people do their best but sadly under the circumstances their "best" is not "good enough". However as I say to my kids all I ever expect from them is their best, the final score is not important.
I am sorry that you are having this hurtful experience. I hope the two of you can work it out.
Take care,
Sandy
0
