The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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raeinz - Wow, perfect just what I wanted to say! NM. - you are amazing! I'm proud to read your posts - you are so wise, kind and clear thinking! Also really funny at the right time too!
SandyAust - good points.
Kate - I'm so sorry - as you know I totally sympathise with you on this. No matter what the reasons and haveing reasons does help but it is still just heart wrenching. I still get a lump in my stomach every time my missing friends names are brought up in conversation - also still makes me angry as well so I guess I still haven't let go even though they are long gone and they don't even know about the bc this was over getting divorced. Anyway, Kate I'm glad you wrote the letter and hopefully she will hold onto it and read it later when she isn't so defensive and can see how much she hurt and disappointed you. Perhaps in the future there will still be hope. Thats what I keep thinking at least. Sometimes I'm not realistic in how much I want from other people. If I expect too much then I'm the one hurthing myself but not sure how to see outside myself very well.
Hadley - I know you have been though too much right now but do re-read and listen to the above advice it will save you a lot of pain and time in the future. I so understand how you feel about your Dad and how upset he is that you have cancer and that it scared him to think of losing you. However I do agree, he is an adult and he can't use your cancer as an excuse to drink and take the easy way out and they be abusive to you. Yes we all can relate to this and at time we all would love to escape all this but we can't. So possibly think about this, you also could be enableing him to keep drinking - giving him an excuse to drink cause he is upset. So you need to think of yourself and get yourself strong and healthy. He won't fall apart without you - he has shown how much he loves you. But if you really are worried about taking care of him then first take care of yourself! You
need to take the above advice it is all very wise and sound and get yourself together first. It isn't selfish nor are you deserting your Dad. Ultimately you will be helping him. Take care and keep writting. Everyone here is for you and will support you!
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Thanks raeinnz and SandyAust. As someone who has suffered herself from depression most of her life I would definitely cut her some slack if I truly believed that was the case. I think it is more about her need to always have everything be about her. I think you hit the nail on the head, raeinnz, when you talked about givers and takers. That has been the dynamic of our relationship for so long. Now that I want something a little more equal she's no where to be found. This was just the proverbial straw on the camel's back and even though I know it is healthier to let this "friendship" go it is just one more loss on a list of many that is the fallout from BC.0
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BC isn't the cause of friendships breaking up. BC wakes us up to ask for something (help, attention, compassion) and we find that our "friends" never had those things for us. If we had asked for any of these things sooner, we would have found out about these false friends sooner.
One of the difficult things for me to learn was to ask for things for myself.
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You guys all have such awesome points--right on, notself. If it weren't BC, it would be something else to bring a fissure in a friendship. Kate, so many people suffer from delusions of grandeur (and I'd like to deck your friend right about now). To compare a normal life event with a life-threatening one is just plan callous. I'm sorry. We've all been barraged with so much, from the "think positive" (I finally snapped at a friend and said I would never have gotten this in the first place if positive were where it's at--I'm generous and positive to a fault), to my very personal favorite: what people DON'T say.
I've been shocked. That's an understatement. But when I really unpack what those relationships were about, I realize how totally one-sided they were. I have friends who wanted a piece of me, friends who wanted my energy, my connections--those people are scattered, and in many cases, gone for good.
The ones that are valuable have stayed. I think it's brave you told your friend how you feel--I've got a couple of those conversations in sore need of happening.
But then again, it may not be worth it. People make it abundantly clear where they stand, and there's rarely any chance of reform. State your claim, if you think it's good for YOU to get it off your chest. But don't expect transformation. I've seen that once or twice in my life.
I think all of us suffer from the lady-disease: worrying about what we give as opposed to what we receive. Kate, I call on you to ask what you DID get from that friendship. The person who has disappointed me so agregiously during this mess still offered me some legs up at times career wise. And guess what? She stank at friendship. So, I called in a couple more favors. Flat out. That helped me level the playing field in my mind a bit.
I'd like to share my personal fave. A family member, who I'd helped find housing, move, get settled, etc never called, emailed, or said a word during my diagnosis or therapy. And then, on Facebook, I saw that she was all super like wow yay jazzed about being in my home town. And didn't even tell me.
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MHP70- Thanks for the support. So true about rarely any chance of reform with these people. Have yet to see it ever myself. But It did feel some what empowering to finally get it off my chest. I may have burned a bridge but that just forces me to look at the road ahead.
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Along the same lines--how do I tell my sister I don't particularly want to see her when I go back East to visit my mom in a few weeks? She is a Departed/Dramatist. Her life is HECTIC, i.e. too busy for her to stop & listen to anyone else. She was no different when my sister had cancer years ago, or when I've had any number of surgeries, so I didn't expect much this time around. Still, really don't want to waste time listening to her tales of STRESS, BUSY-NESS, etc. She wears me out on a good day.
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retreivermom, is she on you to get together? Sometimes these things are self-fulfilling prophecies...perhaps she'd also be thrilled not to get together. She sounds really self-absorbed, and a pain.
I'd fake it. Tell her you are super-busy or something. Delight in the white lie! Or make her get together for something you already need to do, like shop for your mom.
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I do have one thing that has been asked of me so many times ............and I am sure I am not the only one....it was the dumbest question I have been asked...........are you ready??? After my BMX
"Did they get it all"?
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Kate- Just want to give you a giant (((hug)))! I can relate to the pain of disappointment. We put so much into our relationships and rarely get much in return. I also think Notself is very insightful. I believe the relationships damaged since my dx were in fact very imbalanced and flawed but I never wanted to acknowledge the truth. This BC just makes certain things come to light. Others behave badly (often no different than usual) and we realize that we are worthy of better. I still have some friends I have set out on the ledge because of their indifference to me. I have been afarid to write them off completely but I think I am close! I DO deserve better.
Hugs to all of you♥
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tamgam- Thank you. Your cyber hug was just what I needed tonight. I'm been doing some soul searching today and have realized that those relationships that are most fractured right now were very imbalanced as well. You, notself and all you wonderful women are very wise indeed.0
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I was at my 25th class reunion Saturday night and when one of my former classmates had heard that I was Stage IV, she asked me why I let it get so bad. Wow, I was completely speechless!!!!0
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I would have come back at her.......how come you let your mouth get so big?........and walked away from her.
Love n hugs. chrissyb
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Linnette,
One day she'll get it when she's struck with illness. As my good friend says, BC patients may be at the doorstep now, but none of us escapes the "terminal" status! That's life.
It's akin to asking an older person, "geez, how did you let your body go so badly?"
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psavast...that is the one I get the most too!!! It's such a dumb question. I just say I won't know until it rears it's head in my liver, bones or brain. That shuts them up.
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Linnette- What I can't understand is why the terminally stupid and insensitive let it get that bad. It's like the entire world needs to be signed up for sensitivity training! You should have told her that in the yearbook you were nominated for "Girl Most Likely to Slap the Crap Out of Somebody"!0
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As a fund raiser at work today, the nurses make these marvelous baskets and then raffle them off. There must have been over 30 baskets but the one that took me aback was the "Breast Cancer Prevention" basket. I told them it was too late for me, but did they have some new science we did not to cure this? They all know me and realized how uttlery STUPID that basket is. Anyway, I put my tickets in for the Tampa Bay Rays basket and a baby basket--have a grandhchild on the way.
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I really was the girl most likely to slap the shit out of you, so nobody says much to me
I've never hit anyone (well, one person), but I guess I just look like I would.Christopher Hitchens (the atheist writer) has advanced esophageal cancer and he said when some asks him how he is, he says "I'm dieing. But then so are you; I'm just doing it faster."
I liked that in a macabre sort of way. I may use it on a particularly dense idiot.
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What noteself said hits the nail on the head. These are the friends who would not be around for us in the event of death of a loved one, divorce, homeless. They failed the test, now we know. I have friends who I have known since high school who we keep in touch with but never simply ask "How have you been" or given me the opportunity to tell them what really has been going on. Someday they'll ask "why didn't you tell me" and I'll have to reply you never sincerely asked. I, have learned, and now make it a point to ask someone I run into, how have they been and whats been going on and wait for the response before changing the subject.
Kate, regarding your step daughters. I think that how they respond to adversity is learned.. Perhaps your DH can shed a light. I came from a family that was small, close, loving but in the 70's my mom's bc was not discussed much. Other relatives were the same and personal issues didn't get mentioned. business as usual. They treated it the same as not inquiring about another's financial state as if they were being nosey and not wanting to pry. I didn't realize how different this was until I became an adult and saw how my DH's family comes together( and openly talks.
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I guess the why-did-you-let-this-happen attitude is what bothers me about my onco's reaction to my vit D deficiency. He confirmed that it is linked to bc and recurrence and then reminded me that we get vit D from the sun and pondered if there is a connection because women who don't go outside enough don't get enough exercise. Hmm, I was thinking that maybe if he had *tested* my vit D levels we would have known about it a year ago. Also wondering why ever other doc I've spoken to and everything I've read says that we don't get enought from the sun yet in my case it is my terrible unfit 125# body that is at fault?
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I wonder why people focus on the hair... I couldn't care less about my hair (or lack thereof) but that seems to be all people want to talk about. Maybe it's just easier to talk about something superficial than to get into the real nitty-gritty stuff.
I'm a pretty tolerant person - I don't get upset or offended easily - but the most infuriating comment came from a guy I was dating (note the past tense). I was emotional, feeling just BLAH from the ongoing chemotherapy, and our relationship was starting to suffer. His suggestion? We should "just forget about the cancer for a month and try to have some fun". Um, really?
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oh, a cancer vacation! what a great idea.
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We can do that?!? Why didn't you guys tell me?!!!! [/sarcasm]
Maybe if you had said, all mock-excited, "Yeah! Let's call my doctor and tell him to put the cancer on hold for a month or so, because my boyfriend thinks we need to be having more fun.", he'd have realized how dumb that was.
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I want a cancer vacation too!
Leah
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I think I have a good one here.
Got diagnosed with BC in May, the exact next day after getting the horrible news, I got a call from my PS to tell me my blood tests revealed I'm about one month pregnant too. Long story short, we wanted to keep the baby (is our first child) but we were not sure about the options or how bad the cancer was. First I had a lumpectomy by the end of May only to discover the tumor grew and had no clear edges, lucky me lymph nodes were clear and stage was I. So I went under surgery again by the end of June, this time LMX. Recovering was ok, with ups and downs and of course with some grieving of loosing a part of my body but happy at the same time to know I could continue my pregnancy. My baby girl will arrive to this world any time in mid November by scheduled c-section at 34 weeks. We can't wait longer cuz I need to start chemo treatment right away, and after it 5 years of Tamoxifen.
You can't imagine how marvellous is for me to be able to keep my baby and I pray every day and cross my fingers for her to be ready at 34 weeks, of course I'm getting all the help from doctors.
My husband has been amazing and so are family and some friends.
Almost all of them, except this good "friend" of mine who got married in August to her 5 years bf. Of course I was invited to the wedding, we knew about it since last year and she wanted me to be part of the Hen's party organizer and so on.
Needless to say, the whole view changed once I got diagnosed and found out I was pregnant. I had no head, no time for anything else but my own health. May, June and July passed so fast I can't even remember them, the only thing I can recall is our several visits to the hospital, blood tests, visits to the PS, the onco, gyneco, obstetrician and so on. Going out for the first time after surgery and using the prosthesis was a HUGE challenge for me, our social life was a bit downhill, for obvious reasons.
And there was this friend who I never got to see during this process, calling me only to "check" if I was doing fine and telling me "so inspiring" words like "Ohh but you'll be fine, they got it on time, You won't die" and stuff like that. At the moment I wasn't sure I liked or not such comments, now I know I don't.
Top of it was during one of these calls when she got a bit dissapointed I didn't join her hen's party two weeks after my MX (a trip on a speed boat in the fjord, hell yeah!) and also she felt upset as I didn't even "call her" on her hen's party to apologize for not coming (Excuse me! She knew I was in bed recovering not from a flu but a surgery!!! and with a growing belly! WTF! ) Hubby told me to not take it personal and let it pass.
Weeks later she called again and apologized, but her thinking was the exact same when she mentioned how lately everything was supposed to be about me, about BC, like if I was really enjoying to be the center of the universe and that I should be less selfish and care a bit more about others (like her wedding issues) ... again, excuse me! I've always consider myself a giver, a person who is there for everyone, but this time, I just needed and felt comfortable by the company of my husband and no one else! She also put on me this, me spending most of the time with my husband and not longer out there in cafes with her or others. Wedding took place and of course we didn't go. But this time, I called and congrats her, sent her a wedding present with other friends.
Sometimes I really wonder what goes in her head and in all those others out there who call themselves your friends but they are not. Not a single bit. I never got to see the face of this girl during the two surgeries I had, not during my recovery, nothing! Some friends even came to my place the very next day I came home, with flowers, offering to cook, to clean and do grocery shopping for me. From her, I got just calls... Sometimes I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was scared of all this BC thing, maybe she has not realized about the magnitud of this disease. I don't know. But some friends can be really NOT.
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Joy - what an amazing story (about the baby and all)! You must just be so filled with joy and gratitude to get through two surgeries successfully. I didn't get clear margins either and ended up with bilateral mx. There is still a lot of work ahead of you, especially with chemo after childbirth. You are definately going to want the support of caring people around you. From my experience, many of the people who need to be the center of the universe tend to disappear when you have a child. My BFF disappeared after I got married because I was spending too much time with my DH. She was used to dropping in any time and collecting me to go out shopping or for a drink and was put off when I had other plans. After I had my first baby she disappeared completely.
You and your baby are a miracle! Just embrace that and know that there will be other friends who are more understanding and supportive. Take care of yourself and that baby -- in this time of your life you need to be the center of your universe!
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In my 56 years of life, I have found that there are rare few really good friends. I did not ask or want anything during my tx. My wonderful neighbors got together and brought over meals for about a week. My dear sister came and stayed 3 weeks. She is my best friend besides my DH. Joy, Gail is very right on. Don't waste one more minute of concern about this person. Conserve all your energy for you, the baby and your DH. As she said, now you really are the center of the universe to care for yourself.
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JOY ~ first of all, congratulations on your baby!!! You and your child are most certainly a blessing from God...this is a tough thing, but it sounds like you have an amazing DH and the support from him is what matters the most. Your friend (?) is not worth the worry, don't waste energy on trying to please her (she sounds terribly self-centered). I had a 'male lover' of 4 years who couldn't handle my DX, surgery, chemo etc....and he told me I was being very 'selfish' when I informed him that I needed to concentrate my energy on getting well, and beating this thing! He has moved on, couldn't handle it...then to top things off, he 'hit on' one of my friends a few weeks ago...laughing at how funny it would be for me to wonder about them!!! Why cause more hurt??? (thankfully she ignored him, thought he was a creep for suggesting such a thing). Might add that he is a 'good Christian man' who for all practical purposes wears this 'mask' of goodness when he's just a self centered jerk....0
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Joy,
Congrats on the baby! How wonderful and exciting! I can't imagine being pregnant and going through this experience. I know how emotional I was with both so I probably would have driven DH up the wall!
Your friend was being a typical "bride" who wants all the focus on her and is oblivious to everyone around her and thinks it is all about her. Yes, it is a special day, but she really is clueless about what you are going through. Maybe time will heal those wounds.
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Joy, you are an amazing woman and I congratulate you on your baby and wish you the best.
I have been griping on other threads about my first Zometa and how sick it has made me since Monday but my biggest complaint is people calling me several times a day when I have been all but unconcious and in extreme pain but my youngest son came over and when he saw the shape I was in he said he would take care of it and he did. He called these inconsiderate people and gave them an update and told them HE would keep them posted on how I was. What a relief. Darla
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Joy: I'm sorry about the "friend" experience, but I was glad to hear your story because of the baby. I hope you keep posting as to your progress. Yes, doing chemo after the baby's birth will be rough, but I venture to guess that looking at her, touching her, all those interactions, will ease the process.
IMO Western culture has encouraged brides to think their weddings are all about them---"it's YOUR day." All about being a princess, instead of the event being spiritual. Too bad your friend bought into this. She may come around later, but the lack of support at such a critical time will alter your relationship. She's not going to "get it" about the baby, either, I would guess.
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