The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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she sounds more self-centered than sensitive to me
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AStorm:
I THOUGHT she was sensitive. She used to be. I think her sensitivity has definately gone inward. Now she's extremly narcissistic!
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alexanjb- Sign your bald head? WTH? Did he know it wasn't a cast from a skiing accident?
Anniealso- Nice to see you on here! Just sorry your onc is such a twit!
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When we told my SIL I had early stage BC with a great prognosis, she started rattling off grim health-related tales until my DH actually had to tell her to stop. She also said she was glad I told her so she could "be there" for my DH (her brother). Nothing said about "being there" for me, too. In the end, neither of us received any emotional or other support from her, but I always thought it was odd she only mentioned him.
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Dawnsm - sorry for your diagnosis and welcome to our friendly group. People's reactions to this disease are unpredictable and unfortunately many of us have been hurt by thoughtless or absent friends and family. We are up to page 77 of dumb comments so you are definitely not alone! Visit us regularly - we listen and really understand.0
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Thanks for the warm welcome and for making me feel quite at home here in this friendly group! We're certainly not alone in this if the forum is up to 77 pages of "dumb comments."
I love your quote "Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." So true ....
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Dawnsm: Love your avatar. Is that your dog?
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awww, love the corgi puppy avatar!!!! (can you tell i miss my corgi)
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Yep they are defintely out there and living among us! I had a friend the other night at a girls drinks evening..." are you going? Driving? Driving with your cancer?". I just glared at her and told her that my cancer and I are really close. We clean, cook, wash dishes and even drive together. Then another good fried ( who was in the other room) tried to tell me that the first friend would never have said that and I should pull myself together! Seriously...sometimes it takes something like this to show you people's true colours. They still have some value in your life but maybe not as high was we once thought. To me that's one of the saddest parts of all this...finding out who is who on the friendship ladder. This is a great place to vent!
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mumorange- Great way of putting it- the friendship ladder and you're right it is one of the saddest parts of BC. Definitely one I never would have expected. I've had a few friends who had climbed many many rungs but most slid right to the bottom or off completely.
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Yes some who called themselves "friends" slipped down the ladder. On the other hand I've been pleasantly surprised by some who stepped forward and have been there for me when I most needed someone and least expected anyone.
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I don't understand how anyone thinks having cancer could take away your ability to drive!!! what an idiot!
I guess I wish there was somehow more awareness in people in what having cancer, esp early stage really means, or just assume you don't know and ask! - it seems like the responses we write about either too lax- no one dies of bc anymore! (uh NO), or too over the top- I had a friend's dad introduce me to someone at a party and say I almost died last year!
I can't really fault them, I didn't know much until I was dx. I have one friend who had DCIS 8 years ago and she likes to show folks her lumpectomy scar when she's had a few drinks. I didn't know her details, just knew she'd had bc- asked what stage she was when dx after I was dx- oh Stage 0. No offense to anyone who has DCIS- it is bc, but this woman just is an attention sponge! I'm just waiting for her to pull out the scar again sometime... I've got her beat hands down!
I've been pretty lucky with my friends as I only have a small handful I consider close. I feel like my family (parents mainly) both don't really get everything I have been through.
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"The Friendship Ladder" - I've also heard it referred to as kicking somebody off your "Life Bus". I've been bitterly disappointed by a few people who have just completely disappeared since my dx., another few who forward e-mail jokes every few months (I'm not even on their daily forward list!), but otherwise, no contact.
But there have been more acquaintances who have stepped up to the plate and really surprised me with how much they've been there for me. I've re-evaluated their acquaintance status; these people need to be on my life bus.
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The Life Bus...I like that too.
Alyad: My parents too are among the worst...sad isn't it?
I did this once before 2 years ago with a lumpectomy and radiation. This time chemo is in the picture but it seems many of my friends who were there the first time have tired of it...if only I could jump off the bus too! Surely there is room for me on another one?!
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My DH is very supportive to the point that he insists that I take a daily dose of 'Dr Red' a highly concentrated red wine/blueberry cordial which contains 'Resveratrol.'
Today, he took our son's dog to the vet and somehow the subject of my dx was raised so she told him about an acquaintance who had Prostrate cancer and took Dr Red along with 'something else' and is now considered 'cured.' She told DH to make sure I keep taking the wine as she believes it will cure me.
I feel like I should go to her from now on for ongoing treatment; maybe there is something curative for me in the dogs medicine, too!
I now know where urban legends are born.
Sheila.
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Suziinmiami I am sorry that some people in your life are so ignorant. They have no idea what it is like to have a part of their body removed. People have said to me "they are just boobs" not an arm or a leg. Be thankfull. Really? I have also had people say to me"it's only Breast cancer be lucky that it's not the kind of cancer that you can die from.
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Wow. It makes me want to think of what "MY" reactions sounded like before BS. But I am a hugger so I am betting I said nothing and gave out hugs. I have been blessed with an over abundance of kind and loving people. I was diagnosed in June and still have until February before I am done with chemo. I have only had one person ask me about my stage or prognosis. I just looked at her and smiled and said God, I didnt think to ask, do you know what yours is? She has not called me back....
The FB issue does bother me. I am trying to clear my chemo fogged brain to put up a status that would actually make people do self checks. Any ideas? Onward
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Onward, your status could just say to do a self-check. But I'm pretty sure that anyone old enough to read FB is old enough to know about breast cancer. I'm just saying......especially in the month of October!
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2 days ago someone posted on face book a badge that said "save second base" While I agree it was clever I commented
"Help save people not just the ta tas" One women replied "one step at a time".Then I sent her a direct message stating that we should not give up on those women who had both their breast removed and are still battling this disease.
She replies "You said save lives..really? r u kidding me no need to go there!" and couldn't understand why I had such a problem with this. Also said "hope breast cancer does not strike anyone in your life like it has mine!" (I think she might have just lost her mother to BC but I'm not sure"
Finally I fessed up that I am one of those boobless women in the middle of battling this disease. She said it's all about awareness. She just couldn't understand why this boob focus is not only offensive to those of us going though this but is not what this disease is all about.
After that she stated she's going to say a prayer for me and wished me the best of luck. What ever. I guess that you really have to have this disease to really understand what's it's about. It's just not enough for some to have someone close to them have it. I'm not sure why this got me so upset. I usually don't like to get into internet battles with people I don't know.
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lago that happened to someone I met on Facebook too! I had mentioned that I hated the Pinktober and she send a virile message bac k saying how her mom had died of breast cancer and pink gave her comfort and until I've walked in her shoes to keep my comments to myself! It was MY comment in the first place that she reacted to!!!!! I wrote back and told her that I have breast cancer and also watched both my parents die and I have walked in her shoes!! Never heard back....
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desdemona222b- Wow! What you have described happened to me, as well.
"I don't think I understand why you would find it offensive that others find it offensive when people tell them their mother died of breast cancer? I mean, I understand bringing it up on occasion, but surely you don't see it as a necessity to tell someone who has breast cancer that your mother died of it do you? It's a terribly disheartening thing to hear when you're trying to get on with your life."
I am freshly off the operating table at the start of my unwanted breast cancer journey dreading chemo tomorrow ( Oct 28,2010), so, I did not need to hear negative comments similar to what desdemona222b had described. I was also rather positive until two weeks ago but since then have been crying non-stop . My chemo starts tomorrow: TC+Tykerb and all I want is getting through it and moving on with my life.
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desdemona222b- Wow! What you have described happened to me, as well.
Desdemona222b wrote: "When I was recovering from my surgery, I walked outside one morning to find the neighbor walking up to me like I had one foot in the grave. She said, "I know exactly what you're going through. My mother died of breast cancer. She was doing okay at first then it spread to her spine and she was in a wheelchair the last five years of her life." I had been in a pretty good mood until then."
I am freshly off the operating table at the start of my unwanted breast cancer journey dreading chemo tomorrow ( Oct 28,2010) so, truthfully, I did not need to hear a negative comment very similar to what desdemona222b had described. I was also very positive until about two weeks ago but since then have been crying non-stop . My chemo starts tomorrow: TC+Tykerb. All I want is to get through it and move on with my life. Regain some kind of normality--whatever that normality may be.
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When I was first diagnosed there were a few people who told me that their relatives had died from breast cancer. One even told me that her Aunt suffered horribly. Not something you want to hear when you are starting out with the cancer nightmare. I think people just don't know what to say and end up putting their feet in their mouths.
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They don't think before they put their mouth in gear.
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People really do not know when to shut up sometimes. They really can't seem to help themselves! LOL- you just have to laugh to keep from crying. I feel sorry for them.
I had to try to return to the office today........... I dreaded it and looked forward to it at the same time. People say and ask stupid things! I have cried for weeks thinking 'what am I going to do now' and of course I got that question more than once today. I politely told them I wasn't ready for that discussion unless they wanted me to start sobbing uncontrollably and that I was still unsure at this point and just needed to focus on healing. But really people, like Katiaw described it; we're basically fresh off the operating table and still trying to understand and deal with things ourselves! I really do think that a lot of their intentions are good they just do not think before they speak. Overall the day was nice; I attended an important and productive meeting that no one expected me at and there was a holiday party, a costume and dept theme contest and lots of good food.
Katiaw, please don't cry too much. I certainly know that's easier said than done but it breaks my heart to think someone else is also doing it too ;o( I hope your chemo treatments go more smoothly than you thought possible!!! Find a good comedy or book or something to make you smile for the next few days if you can. Hopefully you'll have the treatments behind you before you know it. But if you do feel the need to cry or talk we'll all be right here for you.
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I posted as my status on Fb for a while "Never mind saving the tatas. Save lives. Find a cure for breast cancer." After a few days I changed it to " Fu(k saving the TaTas. Cure breast cancer and give me back my own breasts and the 3 years of my life cancer treatment ruined.." I've gotten some interesting responses, and some even more interesting non-responses!
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A friend knows someone who was just diagnosed with DCIS. She asked me if I had that or "real cancer". I explained that I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) and that her friend has Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) ... we both got the "C" mine was just a bit more mature. It's all REAL! And of course the next question was why didn't I have DCIS instead. Told her there are a lot of decisions when your diagnosed, but the diagnosis itself is not a choice. (She probably meant why didn't I catch it sooner but I did not want to go there!) I was feeling lucky for having a relatively less aggressive, early stage small tumor... LOL... does everything have to be a competition?
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I actually had someone ask me if I was doing regular mammograms. Ah yes I was!
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Me too. Had a lump in my twenties, turned out to be B9 but atypical hyperplasia. Had yearly mammograms ever since. I skipped one year, the year before I was diagnosed. But since there was no microcalcification in my tumor, it wouldn't have been found by mammogram anyway. Mammograms DO NOT PREVENT breast cancer. When will the world figure this out?????
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Mammograms don't find tumors in very dense breast tissue. I mean seriously I had an A cup and the tumor was 5.5cm. Someone was really blind last year or it was just too hard to find in my dense tissue. I would always get that notice that the findings were inconclusive since my breasts were dense. My 73 YO mom gets the same notice every year.
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