Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I have always found that if there is a noticeable change in behavior, his interest is changing. If you stop hearing from him and you ALWAYS used to hear from him, then something is up. Guys know how to pick up the phone. And their feelings change really fast in the beginning, before they have made a committment. Once they have committed, they are much less likely to break up with you. But at the beginning, they can change their minds in what seems like a split second. So if you think something is different, then it probably is.
The good news is that their feelings can change back just as quick. You just have to walk away and don't look back. Once you have your answer about what is going on, just say "Fine. I understand. Good luck." Keep it drama-free, because he is EXPECTING some kind of drama. If you are calm and collected, it will make him wonder. Then you hang up the phone. And then...well, you know the drill. Nine times out ten, you will hear from him again. At that point, you have to play it SUPER cool. Friendly, but very Oh-my-goodness-has-it-been-that-long-I've-been-just-so-terribly-busy.
(I'm no expert, I have learned these lessons the HARD way. Now that I am implementing them, I'm having great success.)
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I feel in my gut something has changed over the last couple weeks, but that's just me assuming again
I promise I will not make the effort, I will not make the contact, and believe me I will be non-chalant about his answer if it's that he just wants to be friends or isn't interested anymore. It is so very hard for me to do, but I'm making baby steps in the right direction! 0 -
Just see what happens, and sound cheerful when he calls - not cheerleader-cheerful, just your normal, warm self. Dating is really hard, I think. My problem is I want an instant relationship - add water and stir. Skip the dating part, lol!.
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I'm so with you Fearless, this BS is enough for me to want to die the lonely old cat lady
It was big for me to even tell him I was ok with taking it slow, and now look where we are. I'll be my normal self, and just see how the conversation goes, IF he calls tonight. 0 -
I wish I could give you a hug, you sound in such angst....please just try to relax - I truly think you will hear from him.
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Ahhh thanks, I'm really trying not to be, but it's hard. If I wasn't feeling crummy and was at work it would have been an easier day !! I will surive, hell I've been through SOOOO much worse
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Well I got the email, I haven't responded yet. I started to then thought hmm... I need to bounce this off of you ladies first
At first I wanted to try and say I was ok with that, then I wanted to say ok thanks for responding, take care, but neither sounds right.I don't get it, he said he liked me but wanted to take it slow. I don't get that from his email do you? I mean if that's the case then things are fine, but to me it sounds like he's changed his mind and interests.Hey just got home from another long day of 2 jobs! I kinda feel that your wanting a relationship and I'm just trying to have a good friendship right now. We do have fun when we do stuff together. My schedule is crazy busy with both jobs, but financially I need to do this for awhile. I'm super tired on top of being sick, so I've been working then sleeping
I'm taking a shower then crashing hope you had a good night. 0 -
I wouldn't respond. I would look to meet other people, but I would go out with him again when he asks. I don't get the feeling he is seeing anyone else from that email, but at the same time, it doesn't sound as if he wants what you do. You need to go on a dating site and starting meeting some other guys
He's not blowing you off - if he wanted to do that, you simply would have stopped hearing from him . But he's not pursuing a relationship with you, either....
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I wouldn't respond with a lot.
Maybe, "Friends is fine, I'm not going to try to push for something that isn't there."
Leave it so HE wants more clarification of your relationship. Cut your communications with him to just what he needs to know.
I see him as portraying imself as being a victim. He has to TRY to have a good friendship, he is struggling with time and finances, and he's tired as well as sick. Don't you feel sorry for him? Don't you think you owe it to him to be his good friend? (Sorry sarcasm overrode my post.)
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I wouldn't respond. In fact, in the past, when I have responded, it kind of ended things entirely. If you don't respond, he has no idea how you feel. Which will make him wonder how you feel. Men are like cats - so curious! Just get back on the dating site and get back out there. As soon as I grow hair, I'm getting back out there.
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I think I'm leaning more towards not responding. He didn't ask me anything, plus this way I'm not sitting there waiting for him to respond or contact me again. I guess not responding helps me feel a little more back in control. I was super annoyed with his email, poor thing, so tired and busy and sick
cry me a river!0 -
Fearless .. nicely said! He doesnt seem to want her out of his life, but his commitments are in other directions ... who knows if he is trying to get out of debt or saving for some wonderful purchase or ???? Doesnt really matter as that is His direction and now if you dont read the writing on the wall, it will be your loss as you are not honouring yourself and your direction. Again, easier said than done ... but, you need what you need.
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Writing in the wall? Sorry the cold mess are taking over and I'm foggy
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Dragonfly ... I just mean that 'actions speak louder than words' ... more or less the 'writing on the wall' ... YOU are important here!
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I am and he's not in a place to see it. I need someone who's ready and strong and can focus energy and effort on a relationship.
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I agree with Swwetbean, once again. Don't respond. If you do, you are saying "fine, I will take the crumbs you are offering me". You'll hear from him again. If you don't, it most likely means he is seeing someone else. But I don't get that vibe from him.
No response doesn't always bring them back, though. Only if they still have feelings for you (which I think he does). I never responded when my guy gave me the friendship spiel and I never heard from him again.
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Well I've come to terms with it all and have decided I will not be responding to his email. I don't anticipate hearing from him but that's life, it wasn't meant to be I guess! He doesn't know what he passed up
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Who know what is in the future, but I think you are wise to just look forward to it. Glad you have come to terms with it.
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Dragonfly,
I hope you don't mind if I put my 2 cents in here, but I have kind of follow your story
I think it's time for you to move on; he is not ready for a new relationship and I don't believe it has anything to do with you. A divorce is tough and I think he needs some time before he is ready to date again.
But I do think you should send him an email and thank him for being honest with you, there is no need to end a friendship/relationship with hard feelings.
I wish you good luck and I'm sure you will find the right one!!
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I don't think the man has time to date - he works two jobs. I've done two jobs before - it sucks and you are exhausted. Just talk to him if he calls, meantime do your own thing and try to meet others. Just give him some space for now.
In my experience, when a man is truly blowing you off, he simply fades away and stops calling. He doesn't offer any kind of excuse. You just stop hearing from him. At least this has been my experience.
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Intwoplaces - I really appreciate your input, thank you so much. As of today I can say I won't be answering him. I was honest, he was honest and now I need to be selfish. For me to move on I have to just stop the conmunication for now anyway. If I responded, then I would be sitting and waiting for his response and feel I'd be stuck. Not sure if that makes sense or not?
Fearless - I agree to a point. I need to learn to not look at what I can handle and juggle in life and expect the same from others. I was thinking last night, of all the stuff I've gone through in 2 years, chemo, 4 surgeries, radiation, etc... and worked full time through all of it. Plus being a single Mom, and yet this guy is whining cause he has a cold and works 2 jobs. I know that probably sounds bad but I guess the type of man I need and want is one that can handle things, stress, life and obstacles and be honest and communicate. This guy told me 3 weeks ago how he really liked me, was interested in more, and attracted to me and we agreed to wait on the physical part of it. He was calling and texting every day, he was showing up on my door step to surprise me for the day, offering massages, etc... Then it stopped or at least drastically decreased and I'm the one that's confused, obviously he is too and was sending mixed signals for a while there.. So at this point I don't feel I owe him anything, and feel completey ok with the way it's ended. Down the road I may be nice or curious myself to shoot him an email and say hi but I just cant right now.
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Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like what he is going through was worse than what you did - I would never think that. I was just saying that I only work 40 hours a week and hardly feel like going out,that's all. Hope you didn't take my post the wrong way... 0
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Oh no not at all fearless, I was just saying what was going through my head last night. No worries
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Wow..... this week has been busy and everytime I came on here to read and post, the most I got was reading. I kept wanting to get to the part where it was "updated", but I was far behind daily!!
Dragonfly, me personally, I am glad you did what you did with the "no answering", you sound so much like ME!!! I would "clock watch" to see when and if he was going to call (Adrian) is the guys name that hurt me so much), Anyway he would txt, or call when and IF he wanted to. And there were times he wouldn't answer my txt or calls. And he, two or three days later would txt or call like it was nothing ! What was weird to me was when things seemed so great!, he would "disappear". I kept thinking over time it would change, maybe he is just scared and needs time.......well, I spent alot of wasted time finding out in the end that he didn't need that time......he didn't want me, he just wanted the sex and nothing more. (YES he said it finally in his last txt!) Ya know what's funny......he has txted me three times over the last month, and I haven't responded.NOW A funny thing happened to me on plentyoffish....there were three guys that "messaged me". One we emailed back and forth for three days.....continually, and kept going wow, we have so much more in common and he seems so laid back (I am a very mellow person, don't do drugs, but I am so laid back people think I do! heheee) anyway..... I have three tatoos on me.... and we were talking, he asked if I minded tattoos, I said no...it's ok. I look for what's inside a person, not the outside package!! He said well, I do tattoos also. I said that's cool, and told him about the ones I had.... Well, one rose on my shoulder, I told him I had redone a few years ago.....and told him what was written above the rose. And he said........ "And I shaded the rose in lavendar, and darkened the leaves for you" !!! Neither one of us recognized each other.....from the small pics!! It was one of those SMALL world things......We laughed so hard about this all. And he gave me his number and told me I could use it, or not whatever I felt comfortable with doing. I called him, I mean come on, I already had met him!! heheee Now, for the strange part.... we have talked for over two hours each night for the last three nights....last night was 3-1/2 hrs.. We are meeting for breakfast this morning. And we both have put it up front what we want in a relationship and what we don't want. And the main thing is if it doesn't work for either of us we will continue to be friends. We both have enjoyed talking to each other alot.
I don't know where things will go in the future but I do know ONE THING!! I deserve respect, I deserve to be treated good and I will be from now on. And you need to know that you deserve the best also
and I don't mean in any way......the main way I mean is "HOW DOES HE TREAT YOU??? Hugs to all of you
Paula
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sorry that last post was so longggggggggg
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Sunangel, let us know how breakfast went with POF guy! Very happy you met someone....I was on POF years ago; met some nice guys, but nothing materialized. Maybe will try again.
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Sunangel I can so totally relate to the thinking they would change or want what we want. I probably figured if he had fun when we were together he'd want more, granted the mixed signals didn't help! I'm kind of hot or cold, not a lot of in between so that's why like you I have to just stop communicating and stop making it about him and make it about me!
That's all that matters right now is me, lol !!! Oh my gosh, that is amazing about plenty of fish, I can't wait to hear about tattoo man and breakfast. You better come back and give us an update! How exciting and I hope you guys have fun together! I know I am on plenty of fish, and funny thing about it. There is this guy who has been asking me out for the last couple years but I'm so not attracted to him like that, and I knew him from high school, growing up in a small town does that . Anyway I saw him on plenty of fish and I was like oh man if he knows I'm on here he's going to really try to get me to go out with him. He's sweet about it, not like a stalker. But this other guy started messaging me, and we text back and forth and got to talking, come to find out he's from my small town, grrrr, and, wait for it...... he's the other guys COUSIN! Wth? Really? I have a guy on there asking for a date, and a couple others off match.com asking for a date. Why do I get so nervous and scared to say yes? Is it the fear of rejection or hurting again? I don't know....
Sunangel, I so agree we all do deserve the best, and not to settle. It's hard when I'm so independent, but I try to really look at the guy, the situation and say what are they bringing to the table, what is this/he doing for me? If I'm giving more and getting less back it's time to walk away. Of course much easier said than done.
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I am glad you ladies are meeting people on-line. Personally, I'm dreading it. I did it awhile back, and met some nice guys, but no bf ever came of it, and I did it for nearly a year. Just not one of those women that got messaged a lot.
What kind of photos do you ladies have up? Are you dressy? Casual? I don't want to get too dolled up because that is not how I look each day, and I want to look close to how I will look when they meet me.
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I really don't get messaged a lot either, not by anyone I want to go out with. So this is unusual for me too. I only have a couple pics on my profile, the one you see here in my display and one from Christmas. Nothing special.
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Glad I found this thread!! Fearless One - I am dreading it too!!! I have done so much online dating before but mostly found that men lie a lot! But it is hard to meet men and blind dates usually don't work - I've had some pretty bad blind dates!
Dragonfly - I think you did the right thing by not replying to him! It's hard and hurts but hey he may just be scared....sometimes I think guys scare themselves.....they are silly!
I need to let my implants drop and fluff and try to lose some weight...then I can try online again.
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