Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Ugh I am so there!
I'm on an online dating site.
Should I put in my profile the bc info just to weed out the ones who would run anyways?
My surgery is for sometime in the next few weeks. I have a post op date but not a surgery date yet. I HAVE fabulous boobs right now. They've always been my best physical feature. So being single and losing them is FREAKING ME OUT. As well as all the other issues that come along with being a single mom, bc, and mx.
If not in the profile, how soon? I haven't had mx just yet. Should I even be considering dating???0 -
Tessa sorry to hear you ll have a mx, i have been single for a wile and i dont think i could have dated during the time i was dealing with all it involves having bc. Everybody is different i am now allowing the thought back in my mind but i will wait till after my exchange surgery so till next year lol i wish you the best of luck, just remember you are going through a very difficult time and you may meet a great guy as well as some ass holes on line so just be very careful. Big hug
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Tessa, I would not put it in your bio -- as it might attract the wrong kind of person -- someone looking for your vulnerabilities. I think that the "fourth" date idea is a great one... but you could certainly do it sooner if you are having a bunch of heartfelt emails, and feel you are beginning to trust the man.
I was on E-Harmony for 5 years. Most were great experiences... but all that was before BC. It was a roller coaster ride, though, even 'healthy' -- so what I would suggest is to post something on your profile about wanting 'friendship' first... that you are not rushing to find 'someone', but happily enjoying looking for the 'right' someone.
Then enjoy getting to know some people slowly and deeply.
Well, at least that was what worked for me. Guys that were in a big hurry and didn't want deep conversations, didn't fit me anyway. So, by the time I ever actually met the guy in person, I felt very comfortable sharing more personal stuff about myself... that is, if the date seemed promising. Sometimes (no matter how attractive via email) there just is no energy connection when you meet in person.
Only you can decide if you have the energy to do this now.
But, I met my wonderful boyfriend (of 2 years now) while I was under great stress -- living in Hospice with my beloved father, who was dying of stage 4 brain cancer.
I was talking with several men, in part to fill my late hours as I sat watch with Dad... (when he woke he always was disoriented and wanted to get up, when he wasn't strong enough to actually stand... so my job was to talk him into staying in bed until the nurses could arrive). Anyway, I had some GREAT conversations with people during that period. I was completely honest with the men who I decided I liked enough to want to be friends... some of the conversations were quite philosophical. Some guys couldn't handle what I was doing... wanted to "fix" things or "rescue" me -- it was a great opportunity to see what they were really like. I wouldn't (long term) want someone who always wanted to 'fix' or 'rescue'. I wanted someone who would discuss deep questions and help me work through my feelings, organize my thoughts. Someone who was steady and patient, and let me experience my own life -- was supportive, not controlling.
In short, this BC could be a great opportunity for you to relax, let down your inhibitions, and be fully yourself. If you do that, (as I did with my Dad's illness/death) you open a door to your heart/soul that allows you to be MORE yourself than you have ever been with people. Traumatic events heighten our senses and make us more human.
In your being this open -- you are likely to attract a higher-quality man than you might normally do, if you were healthy and more flirtatious. Honestly, BC is a great opportunity to prioritize what is REALLY important to you in all aspects of your life. Make a list of the qualities you truly want in a man. (Patience, kindness, gentle humor... (?) and then, as you play the dating game, look honestly at these men to see if they measure up. BC is a great reason to go slow, go deep, week out the (possibly good-looking/fast-talking) "smooth" guys for the kind of steady good heart you will want in your corner.
Please know (from someone who has been through it) that I know I am a MUCH better/deeper/calmer/more-mature person than I was 2 years ago (prior to my DX). I had my double mastectomy and first stage reconstruction Nov 6 of last year. One year out, my breasts are feeling/looking 'pretty normal' even with the scars, and I am (and my boyfriend is) completely comfortable with them.
Sex and intimacy are not out of your future... and what you have to offer a kind/caring high-quality man is probably going to be MORE than you would have offered last year, because you will be going deep into yourself and becoming a new and more YOU kind of you.
Trust yourself to know when the time is right to tell. If your experience is anything like mine, I was only interested in extended conversation with about 10% of the people I met on E-Harmony anyway... but even those who didn't work out helped teach me what I was (and wasn't) looking for, and those who I did "make a connection with" were truly excellent men. I ended up with a few extended 3-7 month relationships, several more 2-3 week intensive email/phone-call experiences, until we just one of us hit a wall about something. One man I met was great to me, and I was pretty excited about getting to know him better -- but then (my third visit to Colorado to visit him) his 6-year-custody battle surfaced during my visit and watching how irritable he got with his ex and his lawyer (like throwing the phone against the wall angry) ... well, I was happy for the opportunity to see how he was in a bad situation. I left a few days early and drove myself around in the mountains, happy to be free of his anger and his troubles. I felt badly for him, he was a really nice guy, but certainly not ready to start a new relationship, at least not with me!
Another was an artist, and attractive/intelligent, but after visiting him several times I realized how 'sensitive' he was to everything. Noise drove him up the wall. A dog barking at night sent him into a sleepless panic. Light and bright colors were fascinating (or horrible) for him. He judged everything's "beauty" against his own (pretty high) personal standard constantly... and I began worrying that I was not beautiful enough, or my laugh melodic enough, etc, etc... until I realized this guy (no matter how smart, attractive, entertaining) was like a vampire sucking out all my happiness with all his constant judging!
EACH was a great experience though, and I began to realize that I wasn't looking deeply enough into the person to find someone really compatible with me.
So, I made my list of hoped-for-attributes. And, if someone I was communicating with seemed short on 'patience' or his humor seemed "mean-spirited", or he seemed too pushy about wanting to rush sex (or talk of sex), or, or, or... then I backed off. If he kept up the conversation, I watched to see how he handled new situations, and started new specific conversations to find where his interests and biases might be.
Anyway, for me it was like a big science project. It helped me really clarify who I was and what is important to me.
And, eventually, I found a wonderful man who not only meets everything I wanted -- he completely surpasses it!
It was my BC DX that upped our connection. After about 6 months of "dating", my diagnosis of cancer is what prompted him to ask me to move in with him, and let him be my partner in this 'adventure'.
THAT sort of man (I believe) is out there for each one of us... but we have to keep looking and be available for him to find us. Just go slow. Learn about yourself as you learn about him. Change the parts of you/your life that no longer suit you. Discard dead weight, and look for depth -- concentrate on the things that REALLY interest you, and let some of the 'extra' stuff go.
Wow. Really long. Sorry.
My best to you all... And may you honestly say on every New Year's Day from this day forward -- that you just had the BEST year of your life... which is what I said Jan 1, 2013... less than 2 months after my BMX!
Later,
Linda0 -
Linda thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am not ready to go out there but it nice to hear great histories with happy ending it give me hope
Tessa good luck I am sure Linda nail it and you will know what to watch for when meeting you other half.
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Hi, all. I haven't been on this site for a long long time. I haven't been interested in dating until recently. Met a guy on Match that seems really nice. Coming up on 4th date; haven't told him about the cancer yet. It's a little hard to work it into a conversation. Will do it soon though. Will let you know how it works out.0 -
Please do. I would be really interested in hearing how it goes. Good luck with everything and it's great youve met someone nice. Please keep us onfirmed!!0 -
TwoPutter -- Best of luck!
I don't know your age, but I suppose it is the same for all ages now -- at some point before the relationship becomes very physical, we all need to ease into that 'do you have any medical issues I need to know about' conversation... because we need to know what we are getting into... potentially herpes, AIDS, HIV, Hepatitis -- etc. That pre-sex-consideration conversation could be the one where you get to say something like "Well the good news is that I have no sexually transmitted diseases... but I do have one health matter I have been wanting to discuss with you..."
It does no good to second guess what he might say ... my advice is to just have no expectations, and see how he handles it. Give him some space to ask questions. If you like him this much, he might just step up and want to assist you in this "adventure". If not -- then he wasn't the right man for this time in your life, and better to know that so you can keep looking.
Best of luck -- it is hard to put ourselves out there -- but not doing so just leaves us alone.
Sending good energy your way!
Linda0 -
Wow Linda, Don't apologize at all! I appreciate that you took the time to tell your story. I related to some of it already. I feel kind of broken right now anyways. I did put it in my profile, but after reading, I think I'll go your route instead. My responses completely DROPPED off the map once I updated it.
I need to get to that place that you've reached. I was born with cerebral palsy and have most of the time saw it as a detriment. Fortunately ( or not at this point ) I was blessed with AMAZING boobs. LOL So to now lose what I've sort of relied on physically is REALLY difficult.
Like you said though, QUALITY over quantity. Although I do admit I will miss the attention.0 -
Update...had conversation last night. Worked it in since I have a bone scan next week check up on two fractures in sacrum that occurred in May. Dr. just wants to make sure it's not cancer. Pretty sure it's not since pain is gone.
Anyway, Mr. Nice Guy (Roger) didn't seem overly concerned. I talked about radiation and chemo and lumpectomy. Explained that theres always a concern about metastasis but that I'm fine right now. He just listened, asked a few questions that anybody would ask and we moved on to other topics. So far so good.0 -
Great! I bet it feels good to have it out there, no longer waiting for when it will come up...
Some men actually like to 'help' -- they just need to know in what way you want them to help, so next time you think it would be nice for moral support and a ride -- just ask him. He might not be able to, but, then again, he might just be available for this... and might be thankful for a specific way to show his support.
Did he have any surprises for you? (any medical probs of his own)?
Linda0 -
Tessa -- So, sometimes the Universe provides you with lessons you never even knew you needed to learn... so this BC could help you find new self-love that isn't based in pride of any one specific part of your body. You know, I always felt "fat" and "not attractive enough" -- but this BC ride has given me a whole new perspective -- I am thankful now for a body that (once again) feels "whole"... one that no longer is in pain (post-surgery), one that is (day-by-day) healing and becoming more-active (even though I have some joint pain from the anti-cancer meds, I just joined a gym, and am attempting to work real exercise gradually back into my healing process, and am back to hiking nearly every day again, too!). Fat/schmatt! "Healthy" is my goal now-- and they actually used my belly fat to reconstruct the new boobs, so thank goodness I was carrying some extra fat around!0 -
Help me ladies!!!! Okay here is the story: I am done with chemo, still recovering from all the side effects, 30 pound weight gain, etc. I am going to have a BMX in 13 days. Last Saturday I went out to celebrate being done with chemo and ended up drinking too much and telling this guy that I have admired from afar for the last two years how I feel about him. He feels the same and we decided to take things slow and see where they go, but we are definitely on the track towards being officially in a relationship (and probably sooner than either of us expect). He is fully aware of everything in my life including the fact that I have 3 kids, one of whom is severe special needs and I have pretty much zero support system. I want this more than anything; I always liked him but didn't think I would ever have a chance with him. But I am freaking out about the fact that at some point, we will likely have sex and it will likely be before the next year that recon is going to take. I am pretty sure I will be super self-conscious of my body and it freaks me out to think of our first experience when I'm in the middle of recon. Plus I am kind of backpedaling about the mastectomy because I didn't' think I would be dealing with this so soon. I fully expected that I would be single the rest of my life or at least a very long time. I just feel like it is so unfair to him to be with me and I really don't understand why he would want to be anyway. Does any of this make sense to any of you?
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MamaBear, if he deserves you he'll see past the missing boobs to the heart that's beneath. I brought up my past history of BC on my first EHarmony conversation as "something I have done that I'm proud of" so it was out there from the beginning, but I didn't mention the mastectomy until right before we met face-to-face the first time (after months of daily emails) Not a deal-breaker. I never did reconstruction, but finally got a decent prosthesis a few months after the wedding. (Two years and counting)
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Hi Ladies,
I am new to this thread but not breast cancer. I finished chemo the end of May and radiation mid August. I am feeling great and am ready to "get back out there" so to speak. I have been divorced for almost 5 years. Had a two year relationship and lots of dates pre-cancer. Everyone I know, knows about the cancer and I am fine with that. It's gone and I am good. : ). I was lucky enough to be able to keep my breasts and despite a lumpectomy and radiation, the affected breast looks totally normal. It's the super short crazy curly hair that keeps me from getting back out there. I am still wearing a wig because my hair is so short and unmanageable. I was thinking about trying online dating but don't want to misrepresent myself with the wig. On the other hand... The super short hair is in no way, shape or form ME either. I would never have chosen the look, nor will I keep it. I hate to put that part of my life on hold waiting for hair to grow! Seems so stupid and petty in the big scheme. I also hate to blurt out to a stranger, the whole cancer story in a first meeting. Curious to hear you ladies thoughts on the subject. Would love to hear about your own experiences.
Michelle
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So happy for you that you are ready to get out there again!
I met my husband on E-Harmony -- while I was living in Hospice with my wonderful Dad, who was dying of stage 4 brain tumor. I can't say enough great things about E-Harmony -- other sites (like Match) didn't work for me because they seemed to be about getting a date or getting laid -- but E-Harmony seemed to be more about really looking for a suitable connection -- a deeper sort of relationship, hopefully life-long.
My sister also married her E-Harmony match -- and we both really benefitted from the chance to get to know the man pretty darn well through the site and then email and then phone calls -- taking it slow, making certain there was a real meeting of the minds re the important things in life, before rushing to meet and plunging into a physical relationship. I had serious communications with several nice men before meeting my husband (we just got married June 14 of this year -- my diagnosis came 6 months after my Dad died, which was the same time Les and I first started corresponding.
About your photo -- why not post a nice photo from a couple of years ago as your primary -- and then if you want you can add secondary photos (I think I had 9 photos in my profile) that show you in your wig, looking gorgeous -- a great excuse to get all dolled up and take some current glam-photos! I also posted photos of me doing (what I considered to be) interesting things -- feeding horses, playing "stick" with my dog, traveling in the Mid-East -- so men had a chance to see more than just my external "look" in the photos.
You can take it as slow as you want!
Don't forget that this is a great opportunity to change your life in many many ways -- I chose to manage my E-Harmony account by communicating only with matches from selected states -- ones that I truly wanted to live in (those with what I considered to be great natural beauty and pleasant weather) -- and look at me now!
I had known I wanted out of the city (I lived in Kansas City) -- and now I live on a huge ranch in the mountains of NE New Mexico, I am married to a wonderful man (a wildlife biologist, which is how he got the job on this incredible place) -- surrounded by elk, bison, deer, bears, antelope, bobcats, cougars -- and the most gorgeous sunsets I have ever seen!
I also found that E-Harmony was an amazing tool to get to know myself. To define not who I had been, but who I wanted to become, and how I wanted to begin living my life. It helped me get my priorities straight.
The lessons (at least for me) were well worth the price, even if I had never decided to actually meet any of the men in person!
Wishing you great success!
Linda
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Hey ladies! It has been an age since I have been on this site, but I wanted to report that I have fallen head over heels with a man who is completely amazing! We met on OKCupid, had our first date on Dec 28, and are already talking about getting married. We are both 41, so we know what we are looking for and it's true what they say - when you know, you know! And when I told him about the cancer, he was just amazing - so wonderful and supportive! *happy sigh* I was 37 when I was diagnosed and dating hasn't been easy, but I feel like I have finally found my soulmate. Just wanted to it out there that love is possible after cancer.
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Great to hear Sweetbean! I just started dating about 4 months ago as my husband of 21 years and I separated a year ago. It doesn't look like anyone has been on this thread for a very long time, but it is certainly a topic that interests me. I saw your post and I didn't want it to go without reply because it is always wonderful when we find happiness, in whatever form it takes.
I have had a really hard time trying to figure out when to spill the beans about the breast cancer, and I really screwed up a potential relationship with someone because I wasn't able to tell him about the bc and the fact that I had no breasts until I was so filled with anxiety that he thought I was a nut case. I guess he had too many experiences with 'crazy' women in the past so he dropped me like a rock. turns out he already had a partner in the past that had a partial mastectomy, so he probably could have handled it if I had handled it better. The last couple of guys I've talked to on-line (dating sites) I told within the first week of chatting. Unfortunately, that also had the effect of turning the conversation towards my body, and sex, and away from what I truly wanted - a relationship. I have just started the reconstruction process. I guess it will always be necessary to tell potential partners fairly early in the relationship, but it's going to take me a while to get comfortable with it.
Best of luck on your new romance!
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You know,I try to tell guys on the third date, if they get that far. Much earlier than that and I feel like it isn't really their business. Much later and it feels like I have been hiding something. Plus, on the third date, I stand a chance of not being super attached. That being said, I was totally in love with my current boyfriend after the second date, so if he had pulled away, I would have been crushed. Interestingly, he is the first man I WASN'T nervous about telling, which tells you something. Some guys were unfazed and some guys definitely freaked, but that is OK in hindsight. The last thing we need is someone who can't handle scary!
How is reconstruction going? My boyfriend said, "I never thought of myself as a "fake boob" guy, but I love them!" He's totally into me and even thinks my scars are beautiful!
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the first guy I told freaked, but then decided to see me again - once, lol. I met a new guy a couple of weeks ago. We chatted online and by text for about 8 hours in total before we met and I told him during that time. Turns out his mother is a cancer survivor, so he was fine with the idea. Thank you for letting me know that your boyfriend is ok with the fake boobs! I am hoping to have an intimate relationship with this guy. Since he already knows, I will try to just let nature take its course and let him decide whether or not the shirt comes off, at least initially. I am not ashamed of my body. It is what it is, and it is me.
I am going for my first fill tomorrow. I am excited to see what it will look like. Even now, with just 150cc fill I am much happier with the look. I tried on a couple of tops at the store and was happy with the little cleavage. Emotionally it feels so much better, and less fake than wearing padding. I'll let you know how it goes
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Do you mind if I ask if you had nipple reconstruction? I think it will make things look more normal, but if you had nipple reconstruction, what does your boyfriend think of them?
Thanks.
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Things are still in the beginning stage but I figured I'd share my story here.
I met a guy at a friend's party during chemo. I wore a wig that night and had a longer than normal break between infusions because it was over Thanksgiving weekend so I had a decent amount of energy. He stepped outside as I was going home and asked me out and I awkwardly blurted out "No, I have breast cancer. This is a wig." This didn't deter him but I wasn't ready. I saw him at another event in January after chemo and right before surgery and this time I said OK when he asked me out. We've been dating since then. I'm almost finished with radiation now. It's really weird to be with someone who has never seen me healthy. I stopped wearing a wig because it just didn't feel right but my super short hair definitely doesn't feel like me. He's been kind and supportive and has definitely kept me distracted.
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I actually had nipple sparing, but that being set, they look a bit weird to me. Turns out, my nipples were set far apart to begin with, but with regular breasts that move, it wasn't noticeable. Now, with implants, they are a little wall-eyed. But he thinks I'm hot, regardless.
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i am so glad somebody brought up this topic and i am not sure how i have overlooked it on this board, then again, there are so many topics. i just finished 4 months of chemo 3 weeks ago and am as hairless as one of those naked cats, on top of everything my lashes and brows have now started falling out in the past 2 weeks. just great..instead of growing back the 3 lashes i had kept are now gone, i lost only half of my left brow during treatment and now they are going and fast..of course the hair on my legs, pits and unmentionable has started returning about 4 weeks ago, so murphy's law. for some reason my brows and lashes gone bother me more than the hair on my head being gone, without brows and lashes the face has no definition and i just look sick.
and i still get hit on the few times i venture out of the house which i cannot even believe. of course this is only when i have a scarf and sunglasses on and most people think i am making a fashion statement with those, but still. i wanna go "really???" every time it happens. i am all of 90 pounds and trying to gain weight but the hair…ladies, the hair. i am literally waiting and inspecting myself every day. but i cannot even imagine meeting somebody now or in the near future and i feel like i shouldn't even say that (you receive what you believe and expect) but seriously..how do you guys do it? my lumpectomy is around the corner on the 28th and my perfect boobs will forever be de-faced to say the least. my surgeon is amazing and i trust her completely, i know she will do the best job possible but one is still gonna be smaller than the other and it'll be at least 6 months before i can fix it. i am 40, single, no kids and i am facing a year with short hair (if i am lucky) and no idea what i will do to re-enter "normal" life. let alone dating. then again, living in the san francisco bay area this is not really something to worry about since it is almost impossible to get a date around here to begin with (tech truly has taken over here, not sure about the rest of the country but everybody is on their phones here 24/7).
being single with cancer sucks. thanks for listening
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Nothing on my horizon or near past. I do talk with one guy who lives on other side of the state. He thoroughly recognizes that straight up sex isn't possible for me. Yet, he's not put off by that and instead reminds me there's more to sex than mere intercourse. Maybe some day we'll meet.
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Hey there, you know, cancer definitely made me more cautious about getting involved. But there are lots of men that won't be put off by the fact that you had cancer, trust me. (A few will, but most won't.) However, don't feel like you have to rush into dating. Take it easy on yourself and get back into dating when you are ready.
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