Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
Please, I am not referring to women whose DH's and BF's stayed with them during treatment, nor am I referring to ladies who are casually dating. But for us single ladies who would like to meet someone who did so - and it didn't matter to the guy - epecially those who had reconstruction.
I am very lonely, but I just don't feel ready yet.
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Fearless, I am here Weds through Saturday nights only. I am definitely lonely as well, it doesn't matter, flesh is irreplaceable (that is if we focus on it). Are you talking about a two sided relationship of two people finding the right one? Or are you including the one sided thing, where the guy is crazy about you, or you him, but not a two way stream? Is there really someone for everyone, how do we know if we didn't miss the boat? The perfect someone for us, could be tied up right now in a bad marriage, coma, living in another state, who knows, they just aren't here as yet. What scares me is finances, my age and keeping things going ALONE. Love isn't the first issue, though I would welcome it ALL!
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Fearless One I sent you a Private Message...
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hello,HopeFloat !I feel same way.Scared my finances,my age and keeping things going Alone.
I almost same ago with you.Good lack to you ,to me and all singles who live alone!
Zina
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Fearless One, I love the very direct way that you've phrased your question, because in so many of the threads where there is a discussion about dating or sex with someone new after reconstruction, it's married women who respond. I read those responses and go "Huh? How does that relate to someone who isn't in a relationship at the time of their diagnosis?" For those who are married, it's wonderful that your DH still loves you and desires you (and I know that there are cases where that doesn't happen) but that's a world apart from meeting someone new after a diagnosis (and particularly, after a mastectomy) and having to broach the subject of breast cancer and mastectomies and reconstruction.
So, to your question, I am one who has found love since my diagnosis and treatment. I had been in a very long relationship but my SO passed away a few years before my diagnosis. I dated bit, saw one person on and off for a while, but there was never anything serious. I wasn't dating anyone at the time of my diagnosis. When I was diagnosed, I remember that I when I found out I would need to have a mastectomy, one of my very first thoughts was "I'll never have sex again!".
For about a year after my diagnosis, while I was going through reconstruction, I had no interest in dating. But during that time I did work my head around to the point of realizing that my mastectomy and reconstruction shouldn't matter - at least not to the "right" guy. The way I came to see it (but admittedly it took a while) was that my BC and reconstruction would be a quick way to weed out the jerks and the guys who aren't keepers. If it matters to someone, then this isn't a person who is worth my time.
As I came to the end of my reconstruction, I started to feel really good about myself. With my new slightly larger breasts (one reconstructed, one enhanced), in clothes I look better physically than I did before. I've always found that the best way to meet someone is to feel good about yourself and to exude self confidence. If you are not there mentally, there is no point in trying to meet someone because either you won't hit it off, or you'll connect with someone who isn't right for you for the long term. In my case, I met my new SO just by chance. There was a spark, we flirted, he followed up and the rest is history. I told him about my BC and mastectomy on the second date, just as a part of a casual conversion (no big serious sit down talk); I didn't want to waste my time with him if it was a game changer. It wasn't. We talked about it a bit more some time after that. When we become intimate, it made no difference at all. We've been together for a few years now and live together. He thinks I'm beautiful - and he's careful to remind me that he means all of me. (I think he's blind but that's another story!
)Certainly getting into a relationship is different once you've had BC and a mastectomy - there's a lot more to consider when you start dating. But thinking about it, one advantage that we have is that new lovers will never have seen us any other way, and they will see us naked for the first time at a time when they are the most interested. So that's not a bad thing.
My advice: Wait till you're ready. And then once you enter the dating field, remember that if someone runs off after you tell them about your BC and surgery, it's good that he ran off because obviously he wasn't worth your time anyway. The good guys and the right guys and the ones who will fall in love with you won't care.
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Beesie, thank you so much for sharing! When you said you met "by chance", may I ask how you met? And to tell him on the 2nd date! I am pretty reserved and figure if I met someone I would not tell him for quite some time - but it is a good "screening tool" like you said.
I am older, too - 45 - so I do hope to meet someone one day.
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Fearless_One, I'll send you a PM.
To your comment about figuring that you won't say anything for quite some time, I had thought that too. I really hadn't expected to say anything that early but we were talking about what we'd been doing over the past several years and since the past year of my life had been taken over by BC, it was a natural thing to say. It was just one line in a long conversation, but it made it easier to talk about in more detail later on.
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Fearless One,
I also liked the way you phrased your question, I noticed on your other thread, many women chimed in how their SOs stayed with them. It is a while different ball game meeting someone new after the fact.
It may be to early to say I have found "love", but there is great potential with the man I have been seeing for a couple of months.
Quick recap: I have been single since my divorce in 2005, a few "friends wth benefits" situations since then. But when I was diagnosed, I was very single (last "FB" just went back to friends after diagnoses). Dx in 9/2009, unilateral, chemo, rads, yada yada, no recon yet.
The guy I am seeing is a co-worker of a family member. So it was kind of a blind date. For me, and the fact that we knew a mutual person, it was very natural for me to make sure my brother had informed guy that I only had one boob. So he knew that before he even met me.
The first intimacy was weird, for several reasons:
1. Obviously, the boob/scar thing.
2. It was kind of relationship-y, something I was not used to since I had only been doing the casual thing since my divorce.
3. It was breaking 13 months of celibacy.
4. I am still in chemo-pause so I wasn't sure all my parts would respond right.
But, that all went just fine
Luckily, he claims to be an ass and legs man so the uniboob doesn't seem to wig him out. So, at this point in our "relationship", the boob, the chemo hair, the physical stuff doesn't seem to be much of an issue.
I don't, however, talk too much about my fears, the testing, the stats, the scans...I just want to enjoy his company and not get into heavy stuff. I am sure her would listen, but maybe I am scared that he might think about what he is signing up for and look elsewhere if I am always talking about cancer.
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This is a good thread. I too am single and one of my early thoughts was "I'll never have sex again".
I know I am not ready yet, still treating and have a small child. But I would like to think I would find a relationship again some day. I am glad some of you have
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Thank you ladies. I've been trying online dating with not much success. I did met someone Sunday and we're going out Saturday. If we start dating, I'm not sure when to bring up the cancer and left boob reconstruction. I guess I'll see when it feels right- probably when I can't keep it to myself any longer. Your posts give me hope there is someone wonderful out there.
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I'm glad I found this thread. I'm single and just turned 48. I'd love to find someone special, but it was difficult enough before cancer. I had a lumpectomy, so it's not so much an appearance or self-esteem issue for me, as it is fearing that men would not want to get involved with someone who has a serious illness. I had two close friends who disappeared on me during this, because they could not handle it, so how can I expect a man I've just met to handle it?? Not to mention not being sure about WHEN you tell someone. I don't want to feel obligated to tell men on a first or second date about my private health issues, but if you let it go too long without disclosing it, when does it become deceptive??
Beesie - your story was very encouraging!
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Hadley, don't settle. He disappeared and that's one of the oldest excuses in the books. Be patient, love will come to you, not by looking for it but when you least expect it. In the interim use this time to focus on yourself and healing. Look forward sweetie, not back.
Hope honey, remember me? It kinda sounds like you're still carrying a torch for that guy. Please try not to let this experience jade you to love. It is out there.
Right now I am happily single. I don't need a man to complete me, although it would be nice to have one around occasionally
Otherwise they're just too much darn work IMHO lol's. But I'll never rule out loving again, it can happen any time!0 -
Melinda, I am so glad you posted that! And he knew even before he met you and it clearly was not a deterant for him. Shadow, that is what I feel - like I will never have sex again! Lol! But more than just that, I want a serious relationship leading to marriage. I am glad there is hope!
Hadly, I had a guy that I was crazy about who flew the coop after my diagnosis. It happens. Blah to them. We will find a good one....
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Hadley,
When someone tells you bad things about themselves, they are usually telling the truth. So when he told you he's not good enough for you, that may very well be true. I know it's hard to break an attachment to someone. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming, as long as daydreams don't lead you to do things that are bad for you. You're the only one who can decide who is and is not a good choice for you.
Hope you find someone wonderful!
Karen
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hopeinfitch - yep, we are in the same boat! Keep threading, we're going to make it!
Hadley.....Run, from those that run. I was weak twice, went to his department doorway (whom ran) and he came over. I asked if we could talk and he looked at me in wanting and said "Okay, your department or out (meaning outside of work)". I said, "It's too busy, lets do an outting, we can go dutchee." Then his boss approached and he knodded that it's a go. Then I returned immediately to work. Then the next night I went over and did the same thing, just to confirm what day, to do. This time he was looking at his computer, moved his head toward me in recognition and slowly back to his computer, not a blink, acknowledgement, etc. He acted like I was a fly on the wall, a bug! I knew the atmosphere was dead, he was like a zombie, no feelings, whatsoever.
Girls! I just humiliated myself, so now I am parking my car out of sight at work and trying to avoid him at work once again.
She - it's good to hear from you, yes, I was a bad girl, gave way. Trying hard, that is one reason I call my self "Hopefloats". I have to keep treading. Thanks for being there for everyone.
I'll get back to you girls later.
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"Run from those that run".....I like that! Anyways, in my experience, I think it's best to let them chase you - at least in the beginning. I don't like to ask men out or invite myself over even if "just to talk". Everyone may have different experiences, but generally when I have initiated any kind of pursuit, they back off.
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Fearless....well that talk thing is because I had an ill feeling that he had overreacted with me intially (realizing I had the "C" word) and then me overreacting with him thereafter. Just wanted to see if that was the case. BUT then the guy treated me like a fly or bug on wallpaper, actions speak louder than words. I just put my tail between my legs went back to my life for a better someone tomorrow. How rude and heartless some people can be, even for a minister, just shocking! I won't be the first to act again, when it is more than friends. 0
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No need for you to put your tail between your legs - he was the loser. As for that "ill" feeling with a guy - always go with your gut - ALWAYS. If you feel someone is about to jump ship, they probably are. If you feel someone is in love with you, they probably are. Our gut is very powerful.
Don't be hard on yourself - you expected he would be there, like a decent person.
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Have i found love? Stacks, bucketloads! Often from the most unexpected people. Have i found, have i even gone looking for, sex, no thanks. No, no, and no. Seems that everyone who has had their hands on my chest in this past year has had cold hands and a wedding band. And gloves, what is it with the whole rubber glove fetish?! Now if i found one with warm bare hands and not already spoken for, I might make a move.... Guess what i'm saying is, Keep it in perspective, life is more than just a sexually transmitted terminal illness, and one thing cancer has done for me is make me think what else i want to do with whatever time is left to me!
Nope. Forget screwing, I wanna climb a volcano and look in, I wanna build a well in Ethiopia and put Dad's name iover it, I wanna go up on Temple Mount and sing back to the angels, I wanna tear down the Bethlehem wall like they tore down the Berlin wall, I wanna drive a husky team in Alaska and not be scared of dogs... Oh and i'd like to live to collect my pension or else quit paying in, just wish i knew which to aim for! and when I'm no longer treatable, I wanna take a kayak over Niagra Falls.... or sleep out by the Pyramids and count the stars till the cold gets me....
And yeah, the more i read about these loser ratbags who run away just when you need a real friend... "Blah to them" indeed!
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Well, I do want to have sex again, lol! But not casual sex - I want it in a relationship. But for all these guys who jet....let's just be glad they did it when they did. Because if this beast comes back or something happens, I want the man by my bedside to be the man who loves me.
I went through all this alone - and I will do it again alone if I have to. Better alone than with someone who doesn't love me. But I hope to find someone who does.
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hymil, may all your dreams come true.
Fearless - You said it well, if we went through it alone, we can do it again!, if we have to!!!! Of course I know who was BIG in my life this last year, God was with me ALL the way. If it wasn't for Him, I would of died. Thank you God.
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Hopefloats, I agree. Even my family wasn't there for me. They would send me emails and stuff, but at the end of the day, I had no one to go to chemo with me or help me around the house, etc.
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Fearless -
Have faith .. it will happen to you again. I had gotten a divorce a couple years before my dx. I was just finally getting ready to date again and instead I had to fight cancer. Now it is almost three years after my dx and although I am still in treatment I have my hair and feel pretty good. I have recently started seeing a man who is the MOST kind and understanding man I could ever meet. Long story on how we met but he was friends with my mom during my whole treatment and so he sort of knew about what was happening to me. I was very nervous about being intimate again ... after all I have a bunch of scars from lumpectomy, lymph nodes, port, and then ovaries removed. My bad boob is sort of deformed and then there is the whole lack of horomones and the worry that having sex is going to hurt. Well. this man was so loving and didn't care for a minute about any of this. I felt like I was really taking a chance exposing myself (literally) but there was nothing but total acceptance. I really didn't feel like it would ever happen to me again and frankly, I was happy enough just to be alive able to take care of my kids. However, there is no reason I shouldn't have more in life and I am absolutely taking it too!! It can and will happen!!
Jennifer
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Really loved reading your post. Original, and made me stop and think. again..thanks
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JeninMichigan, I was very happy to read that! I don't have any fears or anything with regards to body image, as my lumpectomy is barely noticeable, but I do plan on having a BLMX just for peace of mind, so I am sure I will feel differently then, but hopefully I will be pleased with the results - and so will my future bf - if I ever get one, lol! I'm sure I will be very nervous as I have not been intimate with anyone since my diagnosis.
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Hadley, I think you should see him again if he calls you within a reasonable time frame. I wouldn't let his recent divorce be a dealbreaker. I'm very sorry about your situation with your Dad. I sure hope everything works out for you - you have had a really tough time. I wish I could give you a big hug!
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I cant even imaging dating anyone at this point. Dating is hard enough without having to date someone and then have a cancer talk if it becomes serious. I am glad for those who will put themselves out there. I wish anyone that is looking for love luck.
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We all need to go at our own pace. I was lonely even before my diagnosis. Now that I am feeling better and have a full head of hair again, I feel I am ready to at least test the waters. But no doubt our medical histories will lessen our dating pool. But still - we can still find love again....
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Hadley - Well, have you heard from him anymore. Rebound is what some people have said that I was getting with my ex minister bo. Be careful! Listen to what they say. The first visit with mine was, "I want to know you all over" and I didn't let it happen. Then when it finally happened, he broke up with me. Don't act upon their dreams, they may be users. Have fun or run, if it's tooooo fast!
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Even after a stage iv dx...at a lull at the moment but that will change and there will be more to say - "The Date" thread...
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/750683?page=6#idx_154
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Lowrider, I couldn't access the link....
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