Bonfire of the Goddesses
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I'm starting to see some flames now....
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BURN BABY BURN!!!!!!!!
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Most of the time I feel strong. Not feeling it this week
I'd like to throw my 16 cm, stage III breast cancer into the fire. I do not want to be a member of this club.
Instead of gasoline, I'm going to throw in my useless mammograms which "missed" my enormous slow growing tumor. I'm also throwing anything to do with early detection. I don't want early detection, I want a CURE.
I'm adding my mastectomy and lymph node disection.and radiation. II hate not having a breast. I hate that in order to get sometthing approximating a breast, I have to have major, expensive, painful surgery. I still won't have a nipple with sensation (hello)
The final thing I'm throwing in the fire is my uncertainty about the future. I don't know if I will be stage IV next week, next month, 1 year 10 years or never. How the h*ll am I supposed to plan my future? What about my hopes and dreams?
Breast cancer sucks!!!!!!!
Elizabeth
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Oh Elizabeth, those dark days suck don't they. You know what, live in it. Roll around in it, look at the misery inside and out. Scream, cry, do whatever you feel you need to do-you deserve that much. Stay in bed, throw things, shut out the world, get mad as hell at how unfair all this is.
Now, when you feel like it's out of your systerm (atleast for awhile), pull your head up from under the covered and FIGHT. You can determine how you go about this journey. You didn't get to chose if you wanted this trip or not, but you are still in control of how you ride it. You have a future and you keep that in mind until God himself tells you otherwise. I don't know why it wasn't caught earlier, mine wasn't either, but it is caught now and now is all your living in. You don't have to be upbeat and joyful at this journey, you just have to be a peace with it for yourself. We will always be here to support you, cry with you, encourage you and tell you that you are not alone and you don't have to fight this alone. Hang in there my sister, I do promise you this, better days are still ahead-I promise.
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Shit...i feel the pain here...and really it suks...hang in there sistas.we gotta fight fight fight like we never fought before....and yes WE CAN AND WILL DO IT.....
Where is that damn fire!!!!!!who has the matches????????
I wanna thro in pinktober.....STOP ALL THIS ADVERTISEMENT AND FIND THE DAMN CURE!!!!!!!Burn you bastards who are makin all that $$$$$$$$ off this 2% crap.
now lets goooooooooooo.off to the fire.Where is everyone??????
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I'm here.
In goes waiting, anxiety, tears, stress, mortality rates, reacurrance rates, pinktober, poking and prodding, tests, procedures, surgeries, etc, etc.
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Elizabeth...I hope you can take comfort knowing that the sisters hear you and feel your trepidation about everything that has to do with breast cancer. Perhaps turning your back away from the fire and looking up and away towards a new horizon will give you strength and peace.
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survivor11- pinktober...excellent!!! last october I fel tthat everywhere i looked there was some baby pink message waving itself at me..so overwhelming...this year..not as overwhelming. I m glad the pink is there and that it means we have pills (that i do not want to take but will) and radiation and chemo and al lsortsof things to help us fight this damn disease....
elizabeth...24 hour rule my dear....it will be different tomorrow..if today sucks, cry and let it out...scream...or go and watch a ridiculous movielike Bridesmaids and laugh until you are sick....instead of the Titanic..think Kayak...or dragonboat!
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Dawn, Grannydukes, voraciousreader, and Sandee
Thank-you for your thoughts. It is helpful. I'm up at 4:30 am (not sure why I can't sleep). I will ponder your advice.
Elizabeth
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Elizabeth-hope you got back to bed and got some rest. Rest does help clear your head. Continue to hang in there and know we are all squeezed into your pockets giving you support and love.
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Elizabeth- I used to wake up at 3am like clockwork....but since BC, I wake up at 4ish..weird...hot milk or just getting out of bed and sitting on the couch help me to go back to sleep.
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tossing my butt in for not being on this thread for so long
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I slept all night last night, yeah! I know what is making life more frightening for me is that my friend who had breast cancer 8 years ago now has liver mets and is really suffering. I feel grief for her and of course, worry even more about my future since she was stage IIB and I am stage IIIA. I think it is the realistic uncertainty about my future that I makes me so sad, angry, frightened etc.
Elizabeth
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i'm right here with you Granny...........................another "asshole" sang Happy Birthday to me last night.............................If I could go through that TV none of the Birthday singing "assholes" would see another birthday..................Oh sorry, was that a terrorist threat.................oh well, I'm over it.......................I would love to know how many of these "pink loving idiots", have had to deal with fear, biopsies, path reports, surgeries, radiation, chemo, Femara, Arimidex, achy bones, hair loss, so sick you can't lift your head, .................oh and lets not forget Lymphedema, which you never get rid of.......................then the everasting fear of "when will the next shoe drop".....................Yea, Happy Birthday to all you "assholes" who think you cheer us up, with your stupid song.......................
In you go, all of you, and when you have walked 1 block in our shoes, we will reconsider whether we should throw water on you to put the fire out...............................idiots.............ok, gonna go find the Vodka, and Gee, its only 1pm................go Eagles, and Yeaaaaaa Phillies.
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Throwing in surgery registrations, pre-op labs, pre-op testing, packing yet again for another hospital stay, those stupid ass ted hose they make you wear, lovely catheters you wake up with-then the stupid ass nurses that won't take them out quick enough, the smell of the hospital food, having vitals taken every hour, the beautiful hospital gowns. And..the anxiety the night before surgery, the long sleepless night before surgery, the long hours waiting in pre-op before the surgery, surgery itself-everything to do with another damn surgery.
SO OVER IT ALREADY
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THE UNBELIEVABLE THING IS..............................UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN THERE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO NOT ONLY BE A BC PATIENT, BUT A cANCER PATIENT IN GENERAL.......................(notice I refuse to capitalize the word cancer).....it does not deserve such recognition.............................Good heavens.......am ranting again....................Eagles are finally winning............yea....................but then again the game is not over yet....................
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So very true ducky. The one thing I will take from this being a "cancer patient" is that I will now know how my patients feel. Have always, always tried to comfort my patients and really be their advocate, but I really had no idea what they were feeling or facing, now I do and I will spend the rest of my career comforting and supporting other "cancer patients' as I have had happen to me. Hey, there has to be a sliver lining somewhere.
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Going to toss in family who mean well and say' hey, don't worry about going on a different canti-estrogen pill. your heart meds have taken care of that problem so a new pill will not cause a heart attack'...I appreciate the thoughts...I appreciate that I sound like I am whining when I say that I am afraid and know I should be grateful that there are five options I can not have now that I am post-menopausal...but I am SCARED I do not need a lecture...I need to be told "I imagine it must be scary o go from someone who did not take pills to having more and more of them added on..." why doesn't she get it?
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Because they can't Sandee-hope to God they never do "get" it, because if they did, they would be here with us. I know, it's the hardes thing in the world to live in a noncancer world when you are and always will be. My greatest hope, is that as more years pass, I'll have less and less people around me that understands what I've been through. Weird I know, but for now, lay it in the fire sister and let it burn away.
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thanks survivor...I love my sister...and she tried her very best to say the right things...I know that...is going to call me from Bangkok the hour before my oncology appointment on Tuesday...but somehow I end up feeling like I am stupid or not dealing with all of this with the lack of emotion necessary...I was sooo looking forward to talking with her...but whenever I have the flu or the onset of a cold, I need reassurance..of what I do not know...so silly...but there you go...hope if she ever gets ill with something that I will know what to say..so hard right...how do you know?
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Sandee-just remember one thing..We all do the best we can at any given time. If we look back on it with any regret we must remember that that time has past and we can only move towards the future. You are dealing with things the very best you can right now and no one can tell you to do it any different-it is your journey to walk the way you see fit. Hang in there.
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I wanna walk thatJourney with NED holding my hand and throw everything else in the fire to burn.Then i want to hold each and every one of your hands to walk with me and never ever look back.Let the fire burn but we are goin forward.OFF WE GO NOW.TIMING IS PERCECT.PINKTOBER...WE ARE SOOO DONE WITH YOU...You too are in our past.0
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Sandee.............I too had a very mild heart attack in 2007.....up to that point, I had never taken more then an aspirin..............so being on the meds the Cardiologist gave me, blew my mind............then came cancer, and another pill..........."the devil as I call it"..............but people will be fools, and that isn't going to change......................so onward and upward we go, having each other's hands to hold onto.............so Granny hold, tight, I 'm walking right beside you....................and all the rest of you lovely ladies.......................
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By the way..................the Eagles.........blew the game..............and the Phillies are losing 5-4 in the 7th........................hopefully they come back.................
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So, let's throw in my brain tumor, it growing. I said I wouldn't mess with it if it didn't mess with me. Just to add to the story-----------I was called 11:55-------exit house for breast bx we new was going to be positive, Call-----dr._________wants you to now you have a brain tumor =====what, what kind , where, ----------response I don't have that information========my response was well when the shit hits the fan. I'm leaving now for a breast bx thatwe know is going to be positive. ==========silence========well thank you goodbye.
Now it's growing--------------------cluck'em lost my husband....... to lymphoma and I had BC at the same time------2010 he had ten hospital admissions 4 chemo 6 for complications, then he died, Aug 20 2010, I'm just about ready to get back into life and the damn brain tumor decideds to grow.----------into the fire it goes
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((((hugs)))) SAS and prayers.
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Thanks chabba---------------praying allot------------also have the Catholic thread friends praying. They are formidable
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SAS
Yiou have had an incredible amount of suffering and loss the past years. I definitely think your tumor needs to go in bonfire. I am adding my prayers to the others
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SAS....We are soooo here for you and there for you as well!
One of my closest friends had a brain tumor. She was recently divorced when she found out. I held her hand through the entire experience. Hers needed to be removed because it was affecting her eye sight. She was 68 at the time and is now in her mid 70s and doing well. NYU Hospital has an amazing brain surgery department. Here's info about their department and the doctor who did her surgery:
http://www.med.nyu.edu/neurosurgery/brain_tumors/surgical_specialists/bio.html?bio=golfij01
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Sas....................I lost my Father in 1983 from cancer of the esophagus, and my Mother from colon caner in 1984, and then my husband Pancreatic cancer in 1991................it is horrible.
You have had your share, and now your dealing with your own cancer......... I will be praying for you....................I pray to Padre Pio, and St. Peregrine (patron St. of cancer patients)..........hugs.
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