Bonfire of the Goddesses
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Have to agree with Ducky - I am beginning to really hate that song. I am like Sheila and mute it when it comes on.
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VR and ALL--------we have an opportunity for prayer intentions to be taken to a Shrine in Austaralia------Racy has offered this, she has never posted before . I will bring the Catholic thread page that explains what to do here. It' s an opportunity. Racy has been lurking and then out of the blue offers to take intentions to a shrine. We are working on a novena to go along with this. I'll be back with the first link , and the second link LOVE& HUGS sheila
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/38/topic/738190?page=256#idx_7672
this link is to the intentions thread------keep it concise, please no double spacing
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/38/topic/760131?page=6#idx_164
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Okay, this may be a long one. Into the fire I want to send my current PS who removed my Lt TE at the time of my scheduled exchange because tissue was irritated and inflammed which we knew about 4 wks early. Insists it's an infection although all cultures over 4 wks and at time of surgery showed no growth, all WBC draws over 4wks have been normal and I have had no symptoms of an infection. Then when I'm crying hysterically in recovery, in the hospital, and in his office 3 days later, can't seem to understand why I'm so upset when he tells me it will be 3 months before he reinserts it and another 4 months of refilling.
Want to throw in everyone who keeps checking on me, phoning, texting, dropping by-I know that sounds terrible, but I've made it as clear as I can without being mean that I need to be left alone right now. I appreciate their love and support, but I need to be left alone to deal with this right now.
Want to throw in everyone who keeps telling me how positive and brave I've been over the last 6 months now that I feel completely traumatized. I know I've been brave and tried to keep a positive attitude, I don't need to keep hearing that because it makes me feel guilty now that I'm having a hard time.
Want to throw in everyone who keeps telling me that at least the cancers gone and that reconstruction will eventually be done. Do these people not understand that I was within arms reach of being done and now I'm facing another 7 months. What about that is easy to deal with?
Want to throw in hot flashes. Now having 3 or more and hour since I made the decision to have my ovaries removed along with my should have been TE exchange.
Want to throw in the self conciousness and shame I feel now that I am disfigured. I didn't even get a good flat chest from this, it's concave cause TE's reshaped my rib cage, and I'm suppost to live with that for 3 months.
Want to throw in my own self pity that I've been feeling since the surgey 10/3/11. This is not who I am and I know you ladies have and are dealing with much more. It's just the trauma of waking up exspecting squishy implants and pull my hand up to find a hole on my Lt side and the effects of being dumped into instant menopause have driven me near the edge.
Sorry such a long post, but needed to really get this fire going-marshmellows anyone?
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Survivor 11---------all your reasons are legitimate , into the fire the go----------let them burn exceptionally bright.
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Survivor...many sisters have echoed the sentiments and emotions that you have described so eloquently and bravely too! Hopefully now that you've come down to the bonfire and done some tossing, you will begin the process of feeling a new normal. We have buckets of marshmallows toasting all the time, so feel free to return and enjoy the magical flames!
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SAS... There is a place where I go to, near my home to pray. I recently took a friend there who needed prayers and shortly afterwards had her prayers answered. I will save the story for another day... All I will say is that I firmly believe in the power of prayer. My close friend now feels the same way too!
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I'm feeling better today so the fire must be working. I believe in prayer to and that the Lord God almighty has a purpose for all this. I'm not a church goer, but have always been very spiritual and I've felt and seem his power at work. I don't believe that prayer will save all of us and I don't believe he gave us cancer, I believe that he is always with us, that he will never leave us alone and that he alone can give us the strength to deal with what comes. I don't spend alot of time on "why me or it's not fair". That goes without saying, I just pray to him that he give me the strength to deal with what comes and the forsight to learn any lessons from it that I can. Like the fact that he lead me to this web site, to this thread, to my sisters so I could feed a fire that would help me to continue to heal my soul.
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Survivor11...That's quiet a heap for the fire! Burn it!!!
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Survivor-------------ditto to all that you said Namaste sheila
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survivor- I get it too...into the fire goes my work partner...and my own people pleasing..and my fear of taking a life saving drug....and my self-pity/negativity when I should be grateful to be alive and to have been srong enough..and lucky enough? to have survived this damn year...and yeah....toss in the positivity for the months after surgery and radiation and tamoxifen and, in my case anyhow, a problem after the meds...let's toss in fake boobs, real boobs that are misshapen or lopsided or perfect but too big or too small or or or...and toss in all those damn commercials...I like the double decker pink bus..that can stay but yeah..the ads that tell you how many women are dying and how many women will be diagnosed with cancer during their life time etc....I really have had enough this week. I need it to stop...all decisions need to stop. period.
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Sandee-so get "the decisions need to stop". I have all these little piles of paper that need decisions, some files too. Keep taking Scarlet O'Hara's position "worry about it tomorrow". Mostly, it hasn't hurt. Moneywise If I had been more active on some out-of-network things, I'd have some more money. But am getting smarter about that. But between My DH and myself in 2009, there were 7 ring binders of paper. I'm tired of paper. I have put most everything on on-line banking. Only a few bills have to be paid by check in a quarter.
Just as I was getting off the cancer treadmill, my brian Mri showed the meningioma growing. It was dx'd the same day as breast bx in Jan 2009. I know it's going to require surgery b/c it's too close to the optic nerve. So it doesn't matter that it may or may not be malignant. It's going to have to be out. Only solace, is that it's come at a time that my mental self strength is at the highest it's been in 3 years. So Cluck. Irony that self strenght was there about 2 weeks. But I look at it this way, had I had the same info, prior to that 2 weeks or a month ago, my ability to handle the info would have been different . Again another Cluck. I'll take the risk and say FUCK CANCER.
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SAS... My friend also had a meningioma near her optic nerve too! She went to the eye doctor because she was having difficulty with her vision and he sent her to the neuro surgeon that I linked. She is FINE now. Honestly! And as awful as we thought the surgery and recouperation would be... Turned out to be so much better. A miracle!!! I know how frightened you must feel now. I know you will do your research and find the best care and have a good outcome.
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B. onfire is still working-still feeling good but now want to throw in some silly stuff.
1. Stupids people in the grocery who spend more time looking at my haired (yes I just made up a word) head instead of putting their carp on the converyer belt.
2. Forms, forms, and more damn forms(can't they make us a stamp or something)
3. Drains, staples, stitches and all forms of skin closure devices.
4. Hot flashes. Up to 4-5 and hour now since ovaries removed with last surgery.
5. Hospital gowns, hospital food, hospital rooms, hospital smells, hospitals (this one sucks for me since I'm an OR nurse-puts a new meaning on the words "I don't want to go to work".
6. Any freaking thing sharp that is coming towards my chest-enough already.
7. Cold weather, I'm freezing my butt off (except when I'm having hot flashes-see #4) because I have very little hair on my head.
Okay so that's my contribution for tonight. Hope everyone sleeps well. Oh yeah that reminds me I need to add #8. Insomnia
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Hey survivor-------- 5:12 am and i have been up all night. I didn't even go to the Insomnia thread that I started......................cancer sucks,---------- the remants of cancer suck, ----------the abuse of cancer sucks -----------------I clucking hate cancer--------------into the fire goes cancer----------
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Survivor
I like reading your lists. They ring true and are funny.
This am I'd like to add the following to the fire:
1) hot flashes occuring day and night. I awaken multiple times during the night. When I first wake up I'm not sure why I'm awake. Then I realize I'm burning up. I doubt I'll ever sleep through the night again
2) Insomnia because I'm worried about BC exacerbated by multiple hot flashes during night.
3) Into the fire goes metastatic breast cancer. My friend has mets to liver and is suffering. This is such a horrible disease. Breast cancer is responsible for so much pain and sorrow.
4) While thinking about #3, I now have to add pink crap. I think there is genuine desire to help with pink stuff, but it misses the point. It's like tying a beautiful bow around a putrid, rotting piece of meat.
5) I'm going to try to add some of my rage into the fire. Although I think I'll keep a little for myself. Perhaps better mad than sad.
Elizabeth
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Survivor, my friend ... you're too funny! I'm following your lead and adding a few things to this bonfire too ... although, it seems to be blazing already ...
1) my disfigured chest ... had a bmx with TEs on October 3rd
2) my depression ... I feel as though I'll never be in a relationship again ... I feel like damaged goods, and what man would ever want to be with me ... I broke up with my boyfriend a few months before my dx
3) my hair ... which is going to fall out when I start chemo
4) the elephant sitting on my chest ... sorry PETA ... but, the TEs make it feel like there's 1,000 pounds sitting on my chest
5) insensitive nurses (at the hospital I went to for surgery) ... my theory on this is that they have been "desensitised" by seeing so many women with breast cancer ... however, it still doesn't justify their behavior ... I think many of them need "sensitivity" training ...they appear to be so indifferent, as though you're just another woman with breast cancer ... they need to feel what we feel for about 5 minutes ... it may change their perspective ...
Love~Peace~Joy
Trinity
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Trinity-your beautiful-seen your avatar. You will I promise find a man worthy of you. Yes BC messes with our vision of ourselves as women and man thats a hard one to get around, but I have loads of friends that have been through all this and a year out or so and honestly you can't tell it. Some fadded scars on their chests, but their reconstructed TATA's would make any man drool. And the hair, that sucks as well, but just think, while it's growing out you can rock some really funky hairstyles that you would otherwise dare never try. I know it's so hard to feel like you'll ever be that sexy vixen again, but you will, you will girlfriend.
I didn't find true love til after my BC dx. Had been dating my BF on and off 3 months before dx, but didn't realize until after that I had found the man of my dreams, He is the love of my life and has made me feel sexier without boobs or hair then any man ever did before him. It's hard to except the undonditionaly love of a man while you feel so disfigured, but the right man will help you see that who you are as a women has nouthing to do with our boobs or our hair, Hang in there love.
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OK, Survivor ... now, you've made me cry ... but, cleansing tears of joy ... thank you! I needed to hear that ...
And, tell your BF that he's the lucky one to have such a beautiful woman (inside and out) by his side ...
Your comment about the TATA's made me think about what my son told me ... he said "Mom, why don't you get double Ds ... the fellas would really like them" I busted out laughing, 'cuz it wasn't something I would ever expect him to say ...
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Glad if anything I said made you feel better and thanks about the BF comment, but got to tell you-he's amazing should be made the clone model for all other men in my oppinion. Your son is right, men just want something to play with really, what they are really looking for long term is the women inside and you got that one covered babe.
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Survivor, your BF does sound like he's one in a million ... you're both very fortunate to have found each other ... btw, what a wonderful idea, can we clone him? just kiddin' ...
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I need to throw in ALL the people who know more than my medical team. My oncologist and my surgeons are AMAZING and I trust them with getting me through this journey. I do a lot of research on my own, and ask a lot of questions. That being said, when we make a decision, I'm happy & comfortable with it. These people - and some of them are breast cancer survivors - who are basically implying I'm either making the the wrong decisions or am an idiot are DRIVING ME CRAZY!
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throwing in my negativity...went to my naturopath yesterday and feel so much beter..also wen tto my gp and decided o relenquish he prescription and get the damn arimidex and try it...breathe sandee, breathe....I have been scared before and survived it...earthquakes, hurricanes, cancer, moves..big life decisions...it will alllll be ok..it is just change...we will be ok...
trinity - you will find love when you are ready for it. The boobs really don't matter... and if they do, then he is not for you( or any of us for that matter! ). all will be well . You'll see
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There is a great line from a song that I can't remember the title of, but it says..."we won't break we won't die, it's just a moment of change." Love that line, thought about it alot over the past 6 months.
Have nouthing and noone to throw in tonight,but give me 24 hours cause I have appt with PS in morning.
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I'm throwing all my emotional and physical pain into the bonfire ... that should keep it ablaze for a while ...
I'm calling my BS and PS today ... I don't understand why I'm in so much pain 2 weeks out from a bmx with TEs ... my right side is almost twice as big as my left ... it's extremely swollen ... and, I can't use my right arm at all ... it hurts too badly to even move it ...
And, while I'm at it, I'm throwing in all my self-pity ... but, I'm hurting so badly I don't know what to do ... I'm sitting here crying my eyes out ...
Sandee - thank you for your words of encouragement regarding my other "bonfire stuff" ...
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Trinity...only saying what I know or believe to be true:):)
I am tossing my boss an dhis family back in..while the boss is trying to sort things out and is generaly making a mess of things....making he people he talks to feel like crap.....he then gave me a new contract which was supposed to clarify one point and added two others...one including that i cannot work or volunteer for anyting CELTA related in th eprovince on Nova Scotia...are you kidding me>? Really? you think you pay meenough for you to be able to dictate that to me? SERiOUSLY??? discussion will take place tomorrow....but bed now. Need my personal power:)
hugs to all
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sandy Need my personal power--------------never thought of sleep that way , but it is as I sit here at 4;40 am. What is CELTA???
So wish I had a memory, some one close has a DH with ayoung wife, first time mom, in NS near the oil rigs town and she was going to deliver a baby. They had a small hospital. She was of course scared to death to be up in an area with minimal care. Found it, BF's niece.
Survivor so happy you found this great man. Luck and life happience be with you always--------Shamrocks for the wedding.
Trinity--------Get through what you have to now , then worry about it. I know that sounds trite, but concentrate on you.
Mpeaches---------odd I keep turning the bold off and it keeps turning back on. It only happens rare times. All our decisions are difficult, you have a BS and Ps you trust. Trust is preeminent, But remember the words "trust but verify". Where you feel your trust is , don't waiver. No idea of delimma. NOB, Only advice if you get foobs, have it on the consent how many cc's to be filled. Otherwise --bless and keep you, may all your decisions make you happy. If they don't, believe still you made the best choice at the time. Each procedure though we believe in an expected outcome, can be different than what we wanted. Why I don't know, someday it will be revealed.
My prayer is I only gave solace not worry, Namaste to all
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Ok this isnt BC related but it is bonfire material. I know tomorrow hasnt gotten here yet, but the Lord willing I will be here tomorrow. Well I was givin a new job a few months back and I know what I am doing. I can weld circles around most men and for the last 10 years I have outlasted over 100 men who couldnt handle the work, the hours, or just really couldnt weld. I even made it to lead welder and held that position for 5 years. Trust me I have put up with a ton of male egos and I can hold my own. Well I have worked hard to learn my new job with no help to go other then the internet and tons of reading. No one in the office has a clue on how to do it. Well tomorrow I have to give a class on weld defects. Most of the dudes I have worked with and they are cool. But there always has to be one that knows it all and he is in the middle of his welding courses so that is an ego buster in itself. Well I want to hold him close to the fire just so he can feel the heat and maybe he will just keep quiet. If not I will give him a shove on in there!! Thanks for listening girls!!
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Paula....just look him in the eye and shut him down if he gets on an arrogant trip....I always have at least one perons who uses sarcasm and one liners as a coping mechanism on my courses to (Sas- I am a teacher trainer ...)....big guys, little guys, long haired guys and bald guys,....something about strong women and arrogant jerks that do not mix well....had to take one guy aside on the last course and tell him if he ever directed a comment at me in anger again because he was frustrated that he did not know something, that he would be out of my sessions, period....that certainly shut him down!Maybe I should hav etossed him in the fire for a bit of charring or singeing!
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Into the fire with the coworker who when she heard my diagnosis last year told me that I got cancer because I didn't go to church. I also don't get drunk and drive cars into ditches, she did. Well now I am biting my younger and pushing her into the fire to feel the flames before her surgery,.....she has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I know that I will be a caring person and take meals to the family after her surgery, but I want to be the mean b#+%* for just a minute and make her hurt like she did me last year.
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beccad - My taking meals and being the nice one you are a much better person than the coworker. I can't imagine how much she hurt you but I do know she sounds very insensitive. Maybe she will "get it" now.
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