Not quite a horder - decluttering
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My DH is going to visit his parents next week. They have lived in the same house for nearly 60 years. They seldom throw anything away. His sister says the house is in terrible condition, packed to the gills with stuff. But at their age (84 and 86), nothing is going to change. I keep telling my DH that we need to toss stuff while we are still young enough to still want to. I saw it with my parents, too. They reached a point where they couldn’t bear to part with stuff.
He’s flying for this trip so he won’t be able to bring any of his parents stuff back. If he was driving, he was prepared to bring a bunch back and then we would toss it. Oh well.
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At almost 80 and 81, going through stuff looks like a monumental task. They may be just too tired to do it. We're trying to move and have been getting rid of stuff for several months. I don't think we've even made a dent.
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My parents lived in the same house for almost 60 years. Mother taped tags on the back of almost everything that said who it was supposed to go to when they died. Like NM - there was a lot of stuff that no one wanted. And the things she "assigned" to specific kids really didn't match well with their current life styles.
I agree that it's much better to pass things along to your kids as soon as they have their own places. My son lives close to where my parents did. I live 2000 miles away. When my folks died I let my son pick what he wanted first. There was one table that I just loved but it was silly to ship it to my house and then just turn around & ship it back to him when I die or downsize. When he moved and couldn't take the table, he called me ahead of time & sent me a lovely picture of the table.
Wrenn - I'm like you. I keep purging & I'm not buying new stuff, but it doesn't feel like I've even made a dent.
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I happy to keep up with the decluttering too. I already told my family I don't wish any physical gifts for birthday and Christmas, just want grocery store gift cards instead. Very practical and not going to clog up my home. It is looking more cleared out in the bedroom now that I can store my working spin dryer I use for blankets in the bedroom closet, roll up my clothes to put them in drawers, never dry them since to de wrinkle them, I use a jet steamer to steam and toss in the dryer for about 10 mins. Some of my blankets are stored in two places. My mini tumble dryer has a rubbermaid tote that I keep some blankets in and a small storage ottoman holds current fleecy blankets. Keeps them off the ground.
My new attitude for storage is simply this, if I keep needing to buy things to store items in beyond what I already have, perhaps I need to stop buying so much. Helps me stay honest about what I am purchasing as well. I don't have any books in the home now, get them digitally from the library, audible or kindle. I own two laptops, no desk to use so bought a fold up bed tray to use the computer when I am pedalling my mini elliptical and it works well too. I am impressed with what I fit into my tiny apartment and still have floor space. I have my tiny foldup treadmill beside the couch. Very low profile when folded up, my mini elliptical is pretty heavy duty, the cubii and keep it on my yoga mat so it won't move. I have a heating rack dryer for clothes stored in a nice contaniner that came from the old place. You can take it apart put it away. Uses a heater at the bottom and you put a tent over it to dry things a bit quicker. I still have the portable twin tub washer in the bathtub, have to take it out to shower, not a problem. Keep towels in a walmart bag that I clipped with a reversible zip tie to an over the door hanger attached to me shower rod. In my bedroom, the wee little tumble dryer vents inside and the rubbermaid tote sits on top. I put a spare piece of melamine I had from moving in on top and it acts as a night table. My bed has posts at the top half of the bed. Use them with bags for storage, keep my clip on bucket washer in one, mesh bags in another. Other side has a bag with all my extra hand soap and laundry soap that does not fit. Cat carrier is on the floor and the dresser with the fabric drawers will be ordered once I pay some other things off. Still looks like a bit of a hodgepodge but I have time to make home the way I want and need it to be. No rush.
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Feeling accomplished today but after two truckloads to storage, DH and I are beat. You can see from my side that I’m super organized. It works for me but I’m sure others have found it annoying at times. To his credit, all DH’s boxes a sealed and labeled (not facing out but not my problem). For furniture, we’re only taking a few small tables, a sofa bed, lounge and mattress. Other than the appliances and everyday stuff, this pic accounts for more than half of my must keep items including my childhood dresser, which still has my scribbles inside the drawers.
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That is an impressively small pile. Congrats.
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Mae, since we do not have a like button, I am giving you one. That looks organized for sure with the labels and DH side looks pretty good too. Good for you.
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Thanks Wren and Mara. My pile is small mostly because DH is the bigger pack rat. I do also have 4 more large bags of clothing going to a friend. I did buy a new pair of jeans but justified it by realizing I only have 1 pair ofdarker denim in my current size.
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Yesterday was not such a fun day, not going to be so much fun for me, but I'll get through it. Helping Mom move is turning into quite the process. Dick's son borrowed a pickup truck and offered to move a load for Mom yesterday. His kids wanted to move a load of Mom's stuff, then move a load of Dick's. It took more than 2 hours to load the pickup and one car, Mom really has very little actually packed up and ready to move. So we were trying to pack her stuff, and she just could not stay focused. And all the goings on made Dick confused and anxious. After Dick's kids left I worked with Mom to get some more stuff packed up, she kept wanting to "go through that and see what I want to keep" and I kept telling her that she needs to wait until she is unpacking in the new place. I finally snapped and told her she missed the chance to go through everything (a process which involves her going over everything page by page or item by item and 2 or 3 times before actually putting the item into a box or the trash.) She said I was being a bully, I agreed, and we kept on. The woman is moving into an apartment where she will be living alone. We packed up and moved enough sets of dishes to serve dinner to 50 people at once, I swear! I asked her what she was going to do with all of it, she's going to "outfit my new place, then donate the rest to Goodwill." She wanted to go through the pantry and make sure she got her half of the stuff there, so we did that, and I was able to keep her from packing some bottles and jars of stuff that she didn't even know what it was. And I got her to start looking at expiration dates. She wanted to take a gallon jug of molasses--"I won't ever have to buy any again!" but it was 5 years past it's "best used by" date, and so covered with dust she had to clean it to figure out what it was!She packed a half full gallon bottle of bleach and was going to pack a full gallon jug. I convinced her to leave the opened bottle (one of three they have going) and take only the full one. We do not have enough packed up for a full pickup load, Mom didn't even have any boxes to pack things into. I'm going over this morning to see if there are any other areas I can get Mom to actually pack up before Dick's kids get there after lunch. They are being really kind but are getting frustrated. I think they've decided that if they can get Mom's stuff out it will be easier to decide what to do with Dick's stuff. Which is very true. Right now we need Mom to identify what is all hers, what is shared, and what is Dick's alone. Mom says she's going to take loads to the apartment every day for the next week, but I can't see that happening. I'm afraid next weekend when Mom needs to have everything out and give up her keys, is going to be a marathon session. Not sure what I can do to make things go better, if I can do anything at all.Time to go see if I can round up some boxes to take with me for Mom to pack in.
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NM, that’s a tough situation for sure. I doubt there’s anything more you could be doing, my guess would be that the task is just so overwhelming, it’s easier to put it off. I feel for ya.
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I too am sorry NM. I hope she will get better at identifying her stuff and allowing the packing to continue. It is overwhelming to go through stuff to move to a new place. I hope it speeds up for you all before she runs out of time.
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NM - Oh my - what a frustrating day. I know you weren't surprised, but still... I emphasize with the china for 50. Life was so different. My Dad absolutely did nothing to assist with the move from the house where they'd been for 60 years - except to say things like - oh we have to have keep that.
Yes - the best thing you can do is take boxes. I always found good heavy-duty boxes at liquor stores. In a pinch, you can buy them from U-Haul. Even if she thinks you're being a bully, it has to be done. You'll likely get all the blame for the problems and no thanks, but you are a good daughter. So - why isn't your brother helping? Oh yeah, I remember, I have a brother too.
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My younger brother was no help when it came to moving things out either. Everything to do with the physical moving of things was my older brother and his family. I selected what should go, they chose things they might have wanted as well. We kept a box for the younger brother but after out falling out the week after Mom died, we have not seen him since. Not sure if the box got to him, I suggested they ship it to him to avoid seeing him for another fight. Not sure if they ever did as my younger brother is no longer my concern. Do as much as you can for your Mom and leave it at that.
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Mara - I saw on one of the random threads that someone was interested in your under the table elliptical & wanted more details. Then I forgot to ask you. Then I forgot who asked. Then I thought I remembered Cubii. Oh well - sigh. I enjoy reading about your exercise.
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Well, yesterday turned out to be another interesting day. Mom has arranged to have the furniture moved next Saturday. Problem is, she is supposed to be out by Thursday. Dick needs to move into the Assisted Living place on Oct 1st. He won't move until after Mom moves out. Dick's kids are ok with the furniture and other big stuff being moved next Saturday, as long as Dick moves on Thursday. We did get most of Mom's stuff cleaned out of the house. What's left she want to pack and move herself.Things like clothes, the stuff on top of her dresser, the stuff in the laundry room. I think we got all her stuff out of the barn, too. when I left she was going through and finding her stuff in the storage shed. And, of course, I can't be there Thursday to help, that's the day at work that we are giving Flu vaccine to all the residents, (or as many as will consent). And now it's raining and supposed to be rainy most of the week, which will make things even harder for Mom to move stuff cuz she won't want it to get wet. I am definitely a bully in her mind right now, but she did say she wouldn't have been able to do it without help, so she'll forgive me soon enough. The tactic that worked was for me to hand her one item and make her say if it was hers or Dick's, if hers say to take it, to toss it, without allowing her to put it down "to look over", put that item immediately in the appropriate container, and move on to the next one.
I can get some boxes at work, we always have deliveries coming in and I can select from several sizes, and may take some of those down to her after work tomorrow. Currently she has a bunch of plastic grocery bags and fabric shopping bags and some very small boxes to use. She did a good job using garbage bags yesterday!
My brother isn't helping because he lives out of state. He offered to send money for a mover but Mom wouldn't take it. But I think that's what got her thinking about hiring guys to move the heavy stuff. She'll take advice like that from him, but not from me.
Everyone involved is so unhappy and upset about these moves, and that doesn't make things any easier. Mom is pretending to be excited and happy about getting into a brand new place, all completely finished (the camp isn't completely finished) but I can tell she's overwhelmed and upset, too. I had bad dreams about moving last night. Probably going to have some more this week. I'll be glad when all her stuff is in her place, then it won't matter how long she takes to look over things and decide what to do with them.
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NM- I am sorry about the hard day yesterday and the entire weekend. Your mom just can't seem to organize herself to get through this move and her timelines are all messed up. I am glad you were able to be clear with her that you are not available Thursday. This is where it's the hardest with aging parents, they want your help but then exclaim don't tell me what to do! Oh and bullies are not usually people who step up to help us, but that is a moot point, right?
What is driving the Thursday date? Has the house been sold?
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Dick need to move into the Assisted Living apartment on the 1st of Oct or he will lose it to someone else, They've already paid for September and October and it's not an inexpensive rental. Also, the kids want to get the camp shut down for winter by mid October, which is a typical time frame for this area, and there is a very large amount of their mother's stuff to get rid of (she and Dick divorced decades ago, she died of dementia a few years ago) as well as a lot of stuff Dick has hoarded over the years that will need to be out before closing up the place or it will be overrun with mice and such. As in they will need to rent a very big, roll off dumpster. The kids plan to keep the camp to use as a camp during the summers and I think they want to do the finish work before closing it up.
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NativeMaine- your current situation reminds me so much of when we cleaned out my mother’s house last year, and sold it. My dad died in 2013 and my mom had been in assisted living for a couple years. The house sat unoccupied, but had to be maintained. I am the youngest of three daughters and I pay mom’s bills. It was clear that mom would never be able to live there again. We had experience with the drama of her being in assisted living then moving back to the house and then back to assisted living.
My mom wanted to go through every little thing (whereas I had constantly suggested cleaning out a drawer here, a closet there over the years with no luck. Haha, I thought what a great project for her during the several years she lived alone. Silly me). Anyway, ultimately, we had to clean out the house when she wasn’t there. My college daughter and teen nephew (who was visiting from out of state) had about 3-4 long days along with one sister to go through every drawer, cupboard and closet and haul stuff to charity or the curb. I should have taken a photo but we had a tremendous amount along the curb (I called the town to prepare them).
Mom had saved every plastic container that fresh spinach came in, lunch meat and frozen dinner container. Had to toss so much expired food.
With the house cleaned out, some carpet replaced we put it on the market and it sold in a couple weeks (which is surprising considering this town). I’m still happy and Relieved to be done with it.
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I’m in a terrible bind over these same things. Daddy died in May and he never fixed or did a project (and he did all of them himself) that he didn’t save all the broken pieces just in case they might be useful. Also, every used container, etc. With Mom we have already sold $100,000 of tools, coins, vintage cars, motorcycles, guns, knives and tools. The house is still packed. He saved every book from the sixties, from college through every amd many years he taught.
Now I am trying to downsize thirty years worth of stuff in my house to move up there so I can help Sis with any help Mom needs. Really think living with Mom or Sis is a problem and no go, aside from very short term. I have lived alone for thirty years. Problem is, how I pack up depends entirely on where I end up. Lots of outside storage buildings, but I have lots of electronics and fabric and sewing stuff (thousands of dollars worth) that won’t fare well in heat and humidity and potential rodent damage.) My aunt just died and my cousin can’t really afford the house (he’s in an upstairs garage apartment behind her house, but not on separate utility meters), but it will take a considerable amount of time to clean out and rehab her house for me to move into. Can’t bear the idea of moving twice in a couple of months, plus don’t know if I am physically up to it. Originally I planned on putting my house up for sale in October. The packing and dependent on “keep with’, “must be inside”, “okay in storage building”... is kicking my butt. Seems a lot simpler to just stay put until I can just move everything to final destination, but that means at least several more months of not working before looking for a new job there. In the meantime, it is rather paralyzing. I am going to probate attorney with cousin on Wednesday because I have some work experience with probate, but not trust, which aunt left him..
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Melissa - sorry for all you're going through. You're right - it is so hard to determine 6 months down the road. I wouldn't have done well living with my Mother or siblings at all and am so glad I was strong enough to say no. Can you put yourself first and let your sister deal with your Mom for awhile? Sounds like the distance is far enough that you couldn't take a job & still live in either place. I certainly do understand the paralyzed feeling. You're in my thoughts.
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NM and Melissa, you are both under heavy stress helping family out for sure. Hard when the person we pack for hung on to everything. I went through the same when I saw the pile of rubbermaid buckets in my condo basement after she died. Thankfully I had no one to stop me from saying what I wanted and did not want. It makes it easier, my older DB and SiL and kids hauled it out and dispersed to various places, donate to goodwill or trash or take things themselves. I sold furniture I was not bringing here and it worked out. Still was a long draining process. My getting rid of stuff now is easier, I only tackle a bit at a time because I realize there is no rush, this apartment is inexpensive and electric is included. Worth the small closets and tiny kitchen. Happy with my two washers, two dryers and the blanket spin dryer. My goal this week is to get rid of some of the crap under the bed. I also want to save money for some extra furniture for one extra dresser in the bedroom for some of the extra clothes as well.
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GoKale--I hope Mom doesn't move from the apartment to Assisted Living and back to an apartment again! That must have been terribly difficult for everyone involved. My Momwants to go through everything one item at a time, and often 2 or 3 times before making a decision about it. It takes her forever if she isn't pushed. So much of what she has is stuff she wants to go through but just hasn't gotten to yet. Like the pile of magazines I tried to get her to look at Saturday, that she set aside "to go through at my leisure this evening."The pile was still there when I left Sunday afternoon. My mom keeps plastic containers, too. Have you ever seen that TV commercial where the Mom tells the adult child to get the butter out of the fridge, he opens the fridge and it is full of butter containers? Mom's fridge looks like that sometimes!
Melissa--wow, you really are in a hard spot. I can see how it can be paralyzing. And so difficult to figure out what to doand how to do it. Hugs.
Mara--It is difficult, and I am looking forward to the move itself being done. Then I can just sit back and watch what Mom does and hope for the best.
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I feel for all of you. It is so hard to go through things and get rid of them and so hard to deal with mothers. (I think I hear my kids agreeing with that- lol) What my sisters and I have to do when working with my mother is to keep talking calmly with her to focus on one thing at a time. If not she is like a chicken with its head cut off. She is jumping from one thing to another and nothing gets done. It sometimes requires a cup of tea and saying over and over "ok ma, lets do this first".
I had one room that was a total mess, stuffed with stuff that had no place to be until you could not walk in there. I told my sister that I wanted to call that hoarder tv show to clean it out for me. She said I had to have the whole house look like that room. I got it done, but I had to be in that throw away, get rid of stuff mood.
Illimae - you did great. I am so impressed with how organized and how great you did with downsizing.
NM's mom could use some tips from you. NM- I think after everything is moved you still may be helping her get rid of stuff. Every one needs to be bullied once in a while to get things done, its a rough job but I am sure you are doing great and your mom knows that.
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I went to a dollar store here and got some really pretty bags. I am going to hang more around the house as extra storage. I will nail in a piciture frame hook which is tiny, put a ziptie around the bag handles and hang things up. There are quite a few places and a pretty bag will look nice. I don't really want to try to drill into plaster for full on hooks. Gluing is not the best either. If a bag is on the inside of a closet, I will just use the basic shopping bag you can buy at the store. The big green dollar store bag was only 34 cents which I thought was good.
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Mara, have you considered stick on hooks, which are removable without any damage? I wonder if they would help you. You are doing really well.
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I like that idea but because not many of my walls are not flat paint, they don't stick well. Most of the walls are a textured plaster finish. I have had many things fall off. I quite like the pretty bags myself. Might put some behind the couch too. Make it easier to get to things. The picture frame hooks hold a fair bit. They would also only leave a tiny hole. Here are my pretty bags so far
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Mara, very cute! I especially like the striped one.
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Thanks Mae, just figuring out where I want to put them.
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Unloaded 6 more bags of clothing on my friend today, packed 4 more boxes of shirts and mantle piece items (DH has a collection of little odd things on display), ran errands and took the evening off. We are dog sitting and the little monster is in to everything, ignoring her to pack is impossible, lol.
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Good job Mae. Ignoring the dog to work is definitely out of the question.
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