For Older People with Sense
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Hey! I am on the boat! First meeting with RO today. Will let cha know what transpires. I am acting as if it is just a normal day and am taking my car so I can do some shopping after the appt. Shopping therapy works for me. We island bound folk get amazed by the choices mainland folk have all the time. I will take pictures one of these trips. It is a couldy day. It was raining earlier but has cleared now. It is warm almost 50, a very strange "winter". We're coming into port, so i will update on the way home. I feel like it will be 45 minutes of forced non busyness twice a day. I have always been a busy person so lots of changes in my life. Rolling with the flow.
Hope your days are enjoyable
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maca: That's the only way to go! All the best with your treatments..hope you sail through them!
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Having a little delayed cancer melt down feeling--is that normal 18 months after surgery? Why can't I ever do things in the normal progression? Trying to muster up some gratitude.
Dragon
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Hi Dragonflymary,
I had the same type of thing happen to me. It lasted for 3 weeks. I finally went to a therapist who said it was a good thing. He said I finally felt safe enough to allow my feelings out and cope with the ordeal. So hang in there! I kept telling myself that I was at the lowest and the only way was up now. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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Dragon, you're definitely not alone.
I had a delayed stress response after my reconstruction surgeries were over. It hit me out of the blue, and it was misery. I had held it all together pretty well during the intense months after initial diagnosis... all through the shock and the four surgeries in five months. But then a few months after it was all over my hair suddenly started shedding like crazy. I felt jangled and jacked up, like my insides were jammed in high gear, but at the same time I felt bone-weary and exhausted. Every little thing caused my adrenaline to go wild. It was my doctor who finally nailed it: PTSD. She said this is so common among BC patients following the initial storm of diagnosis and treatment that it probably ought to just be anticipated. She said after diagnosis you are constantly focused on just doing what you have to do from one hour to the next, but when you get it all done... suddenly your psyche screams "HOLY COW, WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED TO ME???"
That is exactly how I felt.
I don't know if that is helpful to you, but I know I felt a whole lot better just knowing it was a real thing, that I wasn't the only one, and that I wasn't merely losing my ever-lovin mind.
I don't know how we learn to live with the shadow of this disease -- that is a mystery of Grace -- but somehow we do adapt and adjust and learn to live where we are. I guess we really have no choice -- the days come and go and we simply have to navigate our way through them one at a time.
You will figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself, and you will feel better again. I had to find the things that helped me find some peace and cheer again, and you will too. Breathe deeply, persevere for better days ahead, and be gentle with yourself.
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Dragon, I'm with you on the delayed reaction.
I'm not sure if I ever had a big meltdown with my original dx, but then I was dx with mets 9 months after rads so emotionally went from one into the other. I've recently become very weepy, in part because I'm coming to terms with the "forever" aspect of Stage IV and partly because we've lost so many on the boards just in the month of Jan.
I find that when I want to cry I do it when no one is around. It's not because I think I won't get sympathy or will be told something like it's-not-so-bad-think-positive. I am surrounded by loving people who would hold me and comfort me, and that's why I cry alone. I know that if I cry, it's because I need to cry so I do until I cry enough.
So when you cry, just know that I'm holding your hand but not asking you to stop crying.
Leah
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Oh Leah, that's so sweet.
Now you've made me cry.
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We cry alone BECAUSE we don't want sympathy! Also, so we don't scare our loved ones at how really scared we are. As women, during a crisis, we can lift cars that are trapping our children beneath; move mountains; hunt down kidnappers!! BUT, when it's all over we usually break down and cry. The relief, the cleansing power of tears and the ridding of the built up tension. Nothing beats a good cry.
That's why we can keep on doing what we have to keep on doing!
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((((((((HUGS)))))))) to all my breasties who need them. As Barbe says, tears cleanse us and renew us so shed them whenever required. We are all magnificent strong women!
I did come to the thead last night to post but just as I hit submit my internet went down and my post just disappeared....poof! I hate that! So here I am again and hopefully I won't loose this one. I was hopping mad last night as I had spent two hours on the phone talking to my cousin who had that afternoon been told that she was positive for BC..............dang I am hating this disease more and more every day..............I can deal with me but I just hate it when some one else is diagnosed! At the moment, she has had the mamo, US, both FN and core biospies to get to this point so now she is waiting for word of a surgery date which will be within the next two weeks. She had not been told any path other than positive so I'm guessing she won't get anything wlse until after surgery. She is going for lumpectomy and SNB and treatment will be decided after that............GRRRRRR!!!!.......The good thing is, I have walked the road and I'm only about a 3 hour drive from her and she knows she can call anytime. She is pretty pragmatic at the moment but I will just wait and watch for the crash I know will come.
On a cheerier note, I had an very unexpected phone call this afternoon from my ortho's secretary asking if I'd be interested in an earlier surgery date for my knee replacement?..........WOULD I???? YOU BET YA!!!!!.....silly question........so now the new date is March 30th so only a few weeks to go instead of a few months.....yay!!!! I'm not looking forward to the surgery itself but I am looking forward to having a knee that is strong and allows me to walk much further that I can right now and all without pain!.....yahoooo!!!
My wonderful tomatoes that I planted in large pots at the beginning of November are producing wonderful fruit by the bucket loads and they are just starting to ripen. I picked the very first one the other day, sliced it in half and shared it with DH. It was the sweetest, tastiest tomato I have eaten for a long, long time and now I can't wait for the rest to get enough colour so I can pick them!
Love n hugs all. Chrissy
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Morning everyone! Chrissy...so sorry about your cousin..it's sad for you because you know what she's going through. She couldn't have a better person to support her! Good luck on your new surgery date..the sooner the better so you can move forward with your life! I love growing my own tomatoes and can't wait until we go back to NC which is where I grow mine.
Dragon: sorry about your meltdown...we're all entitled to that, so just let it happen and then you will feel better. Sending positive energy your way!
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Chrissy, you have such a beautiful heart. I know your cousin will have an easier time of everything just because she has you in her life.
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(((Dragon))) I think Leah said it best. We have such eloquent women on this thread, women who can heart-speak. A blessing.
Kaara, I'm glad your decision is made and you are comfortable with it - half the battle.
Mac, your ride to tx sounds like a great way to de-stress. I'd like an island for awhile.
Burma, welcome! Just jump in anywhere.
AnneW, did you get some good beading supplies in NOLA? Or have any adventures?
Chrissy, I am so sorry about your cousin and I know you will be a great comfort to her. But I am sure glad about your new knee surgery date.
Can't back up a page or I'll lose this - so am just going to wish all well.
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Desny, Lulubee, Leah, Kaara, Lost Creek, Chrissy, Barbe and all of you, thanks to all for the support and love. It so helps to hear somebody else who doesn't get all panicky if I'm not "strong." I think this is the first time I've felt "mutilated." It's not like I hate the way I look but I've realized that it may creep other people out.
Part of it is ending treatment with PS--that will be the end of at least one group who are used to looking at reconstructions! Barbe, it's true, we can literally move mountains. The thing is, people get used to that and they are flabbergasted when we fall apart!
Boy does this experience teach us a lot. I guess we have to give ourselves permission to be "not strong." That's a big thing--I've always been in charge of everything, both at work and at home! Some would call it "controlling!" Time to shift gears.
Chrissy, so sorry about your cousin. It is so hard to think of someone you love going through breast cancer. Glad your surgery date is moved up.
Burma welcome! Sorry you have to be here but it is a great thread. There are alot of funny posts also which helps you get through the day.
Gonna make cookies for my grandson. Gee, I may eat some too!
Love to all. Can't wait for spring.
Dragon
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We got some really great news today. My boyfriend's DS was diagnosed with lung cancer (small cell) a while back and went through about 5 chemo treatments, but was told not to expect much as she was listed as stage IV. Well, today the doctor called her in for the results of her scans. The cancer has completely disppeared...it can't even be detected in her blood! She is overjoyed, and so are we.
The doctor is calling it a miracle. When you think there is no hope...there is. I just wanted to share that with everyone.
Love and hugs to everyone!
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Dragon, you sound a lot like me. Before BC, I was that person everyone thought could do absolutely anything. And I pretty much could. And did. Now? Well, let's just say that over the past four years I've gradually worked on my willful self to lower my expectations of how much I expect to accomplish on any given day... and in the process I have declared myself EXEMPT from a lot of responsibilities and outings and such... and it broke my heart at first... but whaddyaknow... as it turns out it's not such a bad thing after all.
I have to admit that living a simpler, quieter life without so many people expecting so many daily miracles from me has not been all that bad. :-)
Life goes on, and that's always a good thing.
Anyway... you made me thing of a quote I saw the other day that I'm going to keep close by -- I shared this somewhere on BCO this week but I don't think it was this thread...
"Depression is not a sign that you're weak; it's a sign you've been strong too long."
Amen, amen, amen. Amen?
I've also seen it with "tears" in place of "depression." That works, too. I can insert "emotional exhaustion" in there, too.
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lulubee: Love your quote! It's perfect!
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Hi All, I hope all you that have been laid low are rising up with wings like eagles!
I didn't get a chance to post last night after my trip to RO and shopping. I was exhausted when I got home.
I am going to post that quote about depression on my fridge. I had seen it on a different thread. I am so glad to have you women to listen to, I've been really feeling alone and like I'm slowly going crazy.
Had a good meeting with the RO. I really like the nurse and the doctor. It is in a much smaller facility than MGH and I felt "cared for". We have set up a tentative schedule, starting on Feb 14th. They said they would have chocolate for me.
I have also set up an appt with a different PCP (same practice) to see if we can get to the bottom of my cough and fatigue. Maybe this is the new me?
I've been shopping for a new therapist, too. I've never had so many appts for me. I always took everyone else to their appts, so there is a new me emerging. I have found one that I have made another appt with for next week. She is very supportive and said if I am depressed it's ok. She will support me through this phase of my life.
This is leaving me with little time to fix shoes. Gotta let it go!
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I love the eloquent words of everyone here who spoke about the depression, meltdowns, crying we go through. For some of us, it's an immediate reaction, and for just about all of us it also hits us later, as Lulube said, as a kind of PTSD. I know I'm so thankful for this group of women, with whom one can discuss anything and there will always be someone who says "I know how you feel", and we just don't have that same understanding in our daily lives. Most of our friends and family really don't know how we feel. And we honestly wouldn't want them to.
Chrissy, I'm sorry to hear about your cousin's bc, but I know you're a great source of knowledge and strength for her. I know telling my sister, who also had had bc, was the hardest thing I'd ever done. That's great news about your sooner surgery date, though.
Dragon and Lulube, I'm that person too, the rock of the family, the strong one, the one everyone turns to. And Leah, that's why I cry alone. I'd get sympathy, hugs, everything's going to be fines, but I really don't want that. Crying helps me to cope, and I go with it when it comes on. I think it's sort of a catharsis feeling.
Kaara, that's really a miracle about your boyfriend's DS. Wonderful!
Barbe, I'm already sending prayers for next week, hugs, too.
Kathy
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Now I'm getting spooked. I had SNB & lumpectomy on Jan 4. Margins weren't good so I had a re-excision last Friday. Got that path report today and not only were the margins still not good, but they found another spot of IDC. It has different characteristics than the first one, so pathology is pretty sure it's a different tumor. I'm seeing my BS tomorrow and will see what she suggests. At least I don't have to wait to see her.
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Oh Wren, I'm so sorry that this is happening! It's bad enough when they need to do a re-excision but to do it and then find out that there is possibly something else there.....now that's a bit scary.......((((((hugs))))). I'm really glad you don't have to wait to see your surgeon and can get some answers quickly. Good luck with it all and please let us know how you get on.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Wren: So sorry to hear about your ongoing challenges. Praying that all will turn out ok in the end. Please let us know how it went with the BS. Sending positive energy!
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Wren, I too am sending you (((hugs))) and a hand to hold. I am glad you don't have long to wait for answers, but it is scary. Adding you to my prayers tonight and will be thinking of you tomorrow.
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Wren, does it help you to think, "It is what it is" -- ? I know many of us here have found ourselves saying that in tense moments and for some reason it does help at times.
The week before my mastectomy, a very wise old Chinese doctor looked me in the eye and said, "Mind your happiness. The cancer will do what the cancer will do. The doctors will do what the doctors will do. And you? You can only mind your happiness. Your mind is above your breasts -- keep it there."
You see how easily I can quote him 4.5 years later? Because I go back to that moment in my mind All The Time.
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Wren I don't know if this will help but I had two tumors, side by side. My Surgeon told me they would rather two tumors than one of the combined size. I hope you surgeon and MO are of great help to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs Ginger
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Thank you all for the support. And I will keep you posted.
Lulubee, I'm going to copy that and tape it up in a couple of places where I'll see it.
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A rabbi I study with said, "You can't control the situation. You can control how you react to the situation". He wasn't saying this about BC but in a class, and it was about life in general.
Leah
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Wren, I echo the snetiments of these very wise sisters. Hope it all turns out for you. Hugs and prayers.
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Leah: So true! That is my mantra..."It is what it is" how you react or respond is what matters.
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You can't control the wind, but you can set the sails...
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Thank you Lisa, that one sets real well with me. I will adopt it.
I also liked one from another thread: worrying doesn't stop death, it stops life. (I'm a chronic worrier, so this is helpful for me)
((Wren)), I'm thinking of you and hoping for good news - real glad you have a good team.
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