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Most women will get breast cancer, Its not a big deal anymore

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  • Annabella58
    Annabella58 Member Posts: 916
    edited May 2011
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    family is included in the maroons.  They are who said it to me.

  • Annabella58
    Annabella58 Member Posts: 916
    edited May 2011
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    ...actually, I have found bc really useful for weeding out the maroons! 

  • gmafoley
    gmafoley Member Posts: 5,978
    edited May 2011
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    I try so hard to stay positive and then I hear things like this... 'Most women will get breast cancer, It's not a big deal anymore' - I think I've heard various statements like this about 10 times this past week.. Even my chiropractor's wife said it!!! I could have just hit her..I guess with still waiting for my treatment plan I'm touchier than normal...I have to give the idiots a little slack though because before I had cancer - I'm not sure, but I think I was one of those ignorant idiots Undecided
  • thegood5
    thegood5 Member Posts: 284
    edited May 2011
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    I realize that people mean well and try to make you feel better, but in the case of my MIL, everytime she see's me she says the same damn thing and I always say, no, I'll always be dealing with this, and she still acts like the day I'm done with radiation is the day I will be forever cured of BC.  Wish I could be cured of her "BS"!

  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 46,930
    edited May 2011
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    Sadly, there is no cure for 'stupid'......even when you are done with treatment, she will still be stupid!

  • molly52
    molly52 Member Posts: 142
    edited May 2011
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    Everybody dies - does that make it a cake walk?  Does it make it no big thing?

    Could you go to your co-worker and tell her you had your tin foil hat on and the "spirits" spoke to her.  Tell her they told you she is going to die, but the good news is everybody does, so it's no big deal.

    Then, please, please, please whisper in her ear, that you understand she will open her mouth once too much, and that's how it will happen.  Tell her, beware, to keep her mouth shut.  Zip, nada word!!!!!

    Then, please walk away totally pleased with yourself, smug as can be for sharing your "wisdom" with a lesser being.

    Rats ...... that scenario only works out in my vivid imagination ................ 

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 487
    edited May 2011
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    Molly, that is hilarious!!

    Sometimes, I really lament how callous people can be.  I definitely had people dump me, treat me like I had herpes, and say a host of idiotic things.

    I have a lot of faults (oh, boy, do I!), but I go the extra mile for friends and loved ones.  The truth is, at the end of our lives, our transitions will be a lot easier than for those who turned away and were primitive in their response to illness and death.  Many of them will be alone, and afraid.

    At least I am living honestly.  I'm really happy I'm not one of the these dolts.

  • XmasDx
    XmasDx Member Posts: 18
    edited May 2011
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    My SIL (who I actually dearly love) didn't call or ask about me for a month after my dx.  Then after the holidays at her daughter's b-day party casually asked me, "So what's been new with you guys lately?"  I just couldn't resist, I looked her square in the eye and said, "Oh, you know, cancer cancer cancer." 

    The look on her face was priceless, but I think she finally GOT it that even though my dh had cushioned the blow of the news to her with how early & treatable my bc was, it was still consuming my life.  

  • tinat
    tinat Member Posts: 2,235
    edited May 2011
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    I have one to add.  I was trying to decide how to RSVP for the wedding of an acquaintance.  It really was lovely of them to invite us, but they aren't close friends so they weren't yet aware of my diagnosis.  I emailed her to let her know why I was going to RSVP a "no" so they wouldn't order food for us, that it would be shortly after my breast cancer surgery and I likely wouldn't be up to a whole night out.  I told her that if I was feeling sociable we would stop by the reception to say hello and to wish them well.

    She emailed back "I hope your surgery isn't anything serious" and I had to respond "Well, as I mentioned, it is breast cancer and I'm sorry to say that it is rather serious.  I'm having a bilateral mastectomy."  She emailed back a very brief, "Hope all goes well." and that's the last I've heard from her.

    I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt by thinking that she could have just seen "breast surgery" and not the "cancer" part, but the silence since tells me she's either embarassed or simply isn't interested in knowing more.  Oh well......

  • Mountains1day
    Mountains1day Member Posts: 19
    edited May 2011
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    XmasDx,

    I didn't score big in the SIL department even before cancer.  Some of us are blessed and some of us are not.  Simply, that's the way life really is.  Oh Boy, do I have some doosey's for family and those "GOT it" times are precious and few.

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 487
    edited May 2011
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    I know this isn't the "stupid things people say" thread, but...I got my umpteenth "hope everything is okay now".

    It's completely ignorant about the disease, so people are really saying "hope I don't get what you did, let's change subject".  Kind of like Tina T, there are times when I say "well, I'm an under 40 BC survivor with an aggressive tumor and did chemotherapy, I'm no longer sure 'everything is okay' works for me anymore."   Sometimes, just as a wee bit of petty revenge, I keep them there for ten minutes as I explain how cancer is tremendously unpredictable, and can come back any time.

    Some animal groups will reject sick or elderly members in order to protect the health of the herd.  Maybe there is something instinctual about people pushing away cancer in these myriad ways.

    I guess it's really just a miracle when people behave in a sophisticated manner considering.

  • molly52
    molly52 Member Posts: 142
    edited May 2011
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    I always thought it was compassion that separated us from the animals.

  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 46,930
    edited May 2011
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    Geez, I don't think that at all; I know many animals who are more compassionate than most people!!!!!!

  • gmafoley
    gmafoley Member Posts: 5,978
    edited May 2011
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    Ruthbru I agree - my tigger dog is a great example - when I came home from surgery she sniffed right at the surgery area and then laid down next to me and didn't move for the 2 days as I was not moving much.  She didn't have to say anything just knew I wasn't feeling well... Sometimes I wish my friends would just sit next to me and not say a word - just love me...

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 2,631
    edited May 2011
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    Wow that is just one of the stupidest comments ever.  One in eight women get it or 12.5% of the population.. so not MOST women by any means.  And it is NOT a walk in the park and it is not easy.  If you are lucky you survive and you get a good reconstruction (and thank god for the advances there -- it used to be a far more disfiguring surgery).  But surviving and reconstructing can take years and while I found chemo and an MX much harder to contemplate than to do, it still was NO walk in the park.  I am sorry you confided in such a dunce and hope you find better support from your friends and family.

  • Anjanita
    Anjanita Member Posts: 43
    edited May 2011
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    There are people in my life who care about me who don't seem to have a clue about the adjustments I've had to make for my health.  Some of them maybe would like to know more but since they haven't asked, I haven't said much.

    And when I ask myself whether they need to understand my illness in order for me to accept their friendship, the reasonable answer for me is, "Not really."

    This wasn't true when I was younger and as a result I turned my back on a few people who could have been support because they didn't think the way I thought they should.  Or lacked emotional qualities I thought they should have.

    So what happens now is that I have support people at various levels.  The clueless, who don't get it but invite for coffee and giggles, the deep thinkers who will go with me to the darker places and truly understand.  And the majority who fall somewhere in between. 

    I didn't learn this early in my life but through a couple of other serious illnesses and these days I don't throw away even the most casual support if it's coming from good intentions.  I need all I can get and a couple of clumsy words of support trumps no support at all, I figure.  It's all about building confidence in my ability to heal.

    And heaven knows, the healing part is totally my responsibility.  So I gather up all the grand gestures along with the scraps and work to fashion my safety net.

    Often what I see as a toxic person is not the person themselves, but how I react to them.  If I can't adjust to their style then that person is harmful to my wellness and I need space from them. This works pretty well for me.

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 487
    edited May 2011
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    Anjanita, you are a more highly evolved person than I.  If I could accomplish 1/2 of this, I'd be golden.  Afraid I'm just not there on some levels, but it is absolutely the right place to be.

    I guess my issue is, I just don't interpret a throw-away sentence as support.

    I think in a positive way, what this experience has taught me is that I was overly responsible to too many.  Saying no is really smart, knowing when the level of giving is inappropriate is also good.  You can't give equally to everyone.

  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 15,879
    edited May 2011
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    Anjanita------I like what you say I will give it a more of a try. I've been doing what you say to a point, but not thinking about it. You articulated it very well thanks.

  • pil
    pil Member Posts: 40
    edited May 2011
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    Xmas , If only I could have been a fly on the wall!! LOL   That was the perfect thing to say.

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 254
    edited May 2011
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    Xmas, that was a great answer LOL.

    All you ladies have had some really bad things said to you. I also have had my share. Friends who walk away when they find out you have cancer. Relatives who never call to check on you or send a card. I'm not talking about people who have really busy lives either...these particular people were stay at home, retired, no kids etc. My MIL called me one time and started the conversation with " This is a long distance call so you have 5 minutes to fill me in." I told her I had no idea that her long distance rates were so high. She told me that taxes on 5 cents a min were outrageous. LOLOLOL. So her concern was worth a quarter plus tax LOLOL.She was not poor etc. , just a tight wad LOLOL..That was the only time she ever called to check on me ever.HUgs, Mazy

  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 4,501
    edited May 2011
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    I haven't read any of the other posts, but my first thought is F you to that person....if BC no big deal, how come women are still dying from it.......lets see...chemo...shoving poison into our veins....a piece of cake....just what every woman wants....NOT!!!  Sorry that you had to endure hearing such a mean spirited comment.....

  • Megadotz
    Megadotz Member Posts: 13
    edited May 2011
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    Hi,

    I ran into something similar but nowhere as insensitive,

    I worked through both chemo and radiation.  Our office manager was confused by a conversation she had with a neighbor who had been diagnosed with breast cancer and told our OM that her doctor had given her the "express treatment" of a lumpectomy and a two week PBR,  She offered to set the OM up with  her doctor if the the OM was ever diagnosed with breast cancer.

     She asked me if I knew anything about this, knowing that I's had a much different journey. I explained that there were many different types and severity of BC, many of which involved more treatment.  I told her that I was very happy for her neighbor being eligible for her "express treatment", but it wouldn't have been right for me.

     The OM thought for a moment and then told me that if she was ever diagnosed with BC, she wanted me to come with her to the doctor.

    It may be that some folks have been in touch with others who have been given the "express treatment" and think that is the norm rather than the exception.

    Take care. 

  • lizinmontreal
    lizinmontreal Member Posts: 5
    edited May 2011
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    Some people say some really stupid things and others say nothing at all.

    My husband told my brother and SIL that I had breast cancer...that was just about a year ago. I never ever received a phone call or any word of encouragement. When I saw them, neither one asked how I was doing. I think that they related my cancer to having a bad cold. When I didn't want to go to their place at Christmas, I told my husband to tell them that I had died. I was still angry at them. He didn't do it.

    Oh and the day after my operation, they went to a party held at my neighbour's house but of course couldn't pop in to see how I was recuperating or if I needed something. 

    Saying nothing is just as discouraging as saying something stupid. 

    I feel for all of you who had to deal with such insensitive people! 

  • duckyb1
    duckyb1 Member Posts: 9,646
    edited May 2011
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    I guess I should get on my knees tonight and thank God for the way people responded to me when they heard the news, and when I had surgery, and now that I'm doing Rads.....

    My children, and grandchildren have been amazing....my son and daughter 2 of my 6, take me to Rads everyday.  they take turns......my sons friends, have sent me cards, my daughters co-workers have asked about me everyday and also sent cards.......my friends have stopped by and brought flowers, my neighbors sent food, and ask me everyday on the way to the car "how I'm doing"......my daughters in-laws call me a least once a week........and the guy my husband worked with for years before my husband died, has called me every week too.

    What the hell is wrong with people........I even got a card from my hairdresser......I can't begin t imagine how heartless people are..........I am no one special................my grandchildren's classmates all made cards and sent them home to me.............It just boggles my mind how uncaring people can be.

    Well to you ladies who have had these things happen to you, isn't it nice to know that we can get all the love we will ever need, right here from our BC ladies........they have been so wonderful and supportive.............I'm sure all of you have found compassion, and caring here, as I have, and who better to share it with then those who truely understand..............Love you gals......

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 487
    edited May 2011
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    My take:  this is where smaller towns and suburbs have better community.  The city moves awful fast, and I find people are just "too busy" to slow down to much more than an email.  What I really needed was a hot meal.  What I got was a lot of cards.

    And yes, saying nothing is absolutely as bad. The person who really haunts me is the one who dumped me right when I wrote that I was having a really rough go at radiation.  I wish I could erase her from my brain.  She makes me afraid for what will happen when my "time" comes.

  • duckyb1
    duckyb1 Member Posts: 9,646
    edited May 2011
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    LtotheK........I lived in a big city "Philly", for years, grew up there, and raised 4 children there before moving to the suburbs........................My "city" friends were the best friends I ever had...........suburban people are ok, but trust me, they do not go out of their way to do anything for you............the friends I had that did things for me, were old friends from the city, and I have been out of the city since "1974"................My thoughts on suburban people are....people who act like they have money........but they really don't...........................I have an old saying and it is this "you can take the girl out of the city ........but you can't take the city out of the girl".........Give me good ole friendly city people anyday...............you always know where you stand with a "city friend"..................As for me, I got a great price for a big home in the suburbs, and that is the only reason I moved....................I had 6 children in a house that had room for only "4 tops", as my friends said and laughed.......You screwed yourself right out of your house"......literally.

    I have always had a wonderful family.........and it isn't extended family.....it is just me and my kids........husband went to be with the Lord in 1991, very young........

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 1,568
    edited May 2011
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    This topic really hits home. I have had a little of both - no response at all and people who have gone overboard and even a few in between. Sometimes I feel like I have leprosy. I know the C word is frightening to people - good grief it is to us. The people I thought I could rely on have been very supportive. One thing that bugged me though is one of my neighbors. She is really a good person but talks incessantly about everything - mostly her kids and her life but then when she has exhausted that information she tells everyone's else's. I told her I had breast cancer. She has checked on me and called me and been very concerned but she also is telling anyone who will listen. I ran into an ex neighbor a few weeks ago at the fair in town and she knew all about it. Am I wrong but it is my place to spread the word if I choose to do so. I havent become reclusive but I have chosen not to tell anyone for now. Well didnt have to - she did. I think her heart is in the right place but she never stops to consider that maybe I chose not to share with the whole cove for a reason. To be fair I didnt tell her not to tell anyone I just didnt think she would w/o my knowing. What do you guys think? Overreacting on my part? diane

  • tinat
    tinat Member Posts: 2,235
    edited May 2011
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    edwards750:  Wow, I just wrote a post on another thread about this very thing.  I said that once the "cat is out of the bag" there's no putting it back.  It's something to consider at the very beginning if you're a private person, live in a small town, etc.  After several very uncomfortable "grilling sessions" (one by a casual acquaintance and one by a hygenist at a dental appointment) I decided that I only wanted my family and close friends to know.  They have all been very respectful and it has made it much easier to feel like I have some privacy.  I did find, however, that I had to specifically ask them not to share the information.  Several of my friends seemed surprised so I'm sure they would have "spread the word".

  • Anjanita
    Anjanita Member Posts: 43
    edited May 2011
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    I posted here, the weather finally got sunny, and off I wandered into the outdoors.  Just got back to see that sas-schatzi and LtotheK had spoken to me.  Absent-minded here.

    Thanks for the consideration. 

    Living in my unruly body has been a life task.  There's only a limited amount of control I have over what goes on with it.  Worse yet, I have to trust other people to tend to it at times when I'm ill.  And even more irritating, sometime I don't take good care of it, myself.

     But my thoughts are mine alone and what I think is what I become.  Some days I wonder how much control I have over my thoughts.  Heh.

    It's easy to say, "So and so made me angry."  But usually what really makes me angry is what I think about after the person says or does something I think is wrong.

    I have this little imaginary totebag by my side.  When a comment catches my attention I have a choice to snatch it up and tuck it into my bag or let it fly off into the ozone.  How I feel in an emotional sense depends largely on what kinds of comments I am carrying around with me in my little totebag.

    When my body and mind are all tired out it's awfully easy to find that one stoopid, or unkind comment I'm dragging along with me and dwell on it.  The person is long gone but I still am hauling the garbage.

    I'm already carrying around an illness so I try to choose wisely what I'm willing to carry around emotionally.  It's really not a matter of emotional evolution at all, just a matter of daily practice.

  • tinat
    tinat Member Posts: 2,235
    edited May 2011
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    Anjanita:  Very wise way of dealing with it!  Some people speak without thinking, but I have decided that most (not all, but most) comments and questions directed at me have come from a place of true concern.  I also try to remember that everyone has their own stuff with which to deal and that things said or not said come from a different perspective, different knowledge and fears about BC, etc.  Still, I am glad I've chosen to only let those very close to me know what's going on.  That has helped me to try to keep as many parts of my life as "normal" as possible and not dwell on it 24/7.  I am very lucky that my cancers were caught early so I realize this doesn't work for someone going through chemo or other obvious physical changes during treatment.