A place to talk death and dying issues
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Sherri Fillipo, human being extraordinaire and breast cancer blogger died yesterday. She was a health care professional and her matter-of-fact yet deeply feeling reflections deeply impressed me. I can still hear her voice in my mind's ear.
If you haven't met her yet, you too might appreciate her and what she shared about "living and dying with metastatic breast cancer" at her blog http://www.sherrifillipo.com
Blessings on her journey Home to Jesus (how she conceived of death).
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My medical appointments continue apace and I'm challenged to think in new ways about my health care. Thought I'd share some challenges here, because they may resonate for current or future participants in this topic.
Now that I'm on hospice, I must see everything through the quality-of-life lens, rather than the quantity-of-life lens. Sometimes it's an obvious adjustment to make, other times, I'm challenged to judge what to do and not do.
I get body work weekly from a chiropractor or osteopath. This helps my body to get unkinked from the pain and I'm so grateful to take less drugs. Quality.
Yesterday, I saw the dermatologist who wanted to take 4 skin pre-cancers off my face. I asked how long before they were likely to become cancerous, days, weeks, months or years. She thought years, so I explained that I'm on hospice and don't have years. So she agreed to watch and wait. I could still see her turning to her tools, but stopping herself.
Quality.I'd definitely have another painful and bleeding skin cancer removed. Quality.
I also saw the optometrist, even though my insurance covers glasses every two years, because I'm an avid reader and writer. I wanted to know the rx for cheaters and found out I've been using 3s when I should be using 4s. Quality!
Next week, I see the dentist, but I won't get x-rays, not because radiation increases cancer risk (my old reason), but because I don't want more invasive procedures. I will get my teeth cleaned, because I like the feeling of gliding my tongue along smooth teeth surfaces. Quality.
I "should" have annual colonoscopies and upper endoscopies because I've many polyps in those areas, some previous ones pre-cancerous. Also, my risk of stomach, small intestine and colon cancer is astronomical due to my genetic condition. But I'm willing to bet that I won't live long enough for the polyps to become cancerous and after dozens of procedures, I loathe the cleanses, drugs and invasive scopes. Chance of quantity doesn't outweigh quality. Short-term discomfort outweighs possible long-term benefits. But, if I had a blockage or heavy bleeding again, I might reconsider, even if it meant going off hospice.
My "stitch in time saves nine" mentality is shifting. I might not live long enough for those nine stitches to matter one bit. The unraveling of my physical life continues apace too. And I must portion my time and decreased energy into the necessary. Would I rather visit doctors (some, yes) or watch the grass grow and lizards sun (YES!)?
Friends, I don't know how this equation works for you. After spending so much time and energy pursuing quantity-of-life, it's odd to tilt further toward quality-of-life. I feel fortunate to have so many healthy habits integrated into my daily life - whether resting or eating or avoiding toxins or being with those I love, I'm fortunate to know and have what matters to me now.
Thank you for allowing me to reflect.
Your friend in hospice, Stephanie
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stephanie. I appreciate your complete openness and honesty. Thanks for sharing
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I also appreciate your honesty Stephanie. I too decided that quality matters and went and spoke to my PCP about taking a antidepressant. Initially it was celexa from the oncologist but that reacts with zofran and I need zofran. Plus it can make you sleepy.. I am already dragging. So we decided on Zoloft. I take so many meds. My quality of life would suffer without them. But I feel down.. very unsettled. I got so fixated on dying as it looked that was the only path open to me. Then I switched gears to better, bumped out of hospice. I still have pain, still drain ascites every other day and I know the longest person with a pleurx drain was 18 months... I have had mine 8 months. I am on borrowed time with no "future" to speak of. Even if they add Ibrance, my chances of getting low blood counts and peritonitis goes up. no win.. So like you Stephanie I will take the antidepressants and hope it helps my quality of life. I still am deciding on whether to spend the money on new glasses. It's been years. So much to consider.
be well fellow sisters.. lovingkindness to all.
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Rosevalley, taking an antidepressant was one of my better choices. They take a while to kick in but the difference is nothing short of remarkable. Also, if one doesn't do the trick you can always try another.
Wanted to let you all know I decided to bite the bullet & go to Orlando with my grandson, SIL, DH,& DD. We leave in the morning. I must admit I am scared. I haven't been out of the house much at all in the past 6 months or so. I will have a wheelchair so walking won't be an issue. I have developed more bone pain in the last few weeks. Usually I would be immediately to the doc for scans but decided just this once I am going to just live the best I can and deal with tests when I get home. I do have pain pills should I need them and will be able to rest much of the time.
My grandson called me today asking if he could sit with me on the plane. Brought tears to my eyes. I want him to have happy Grandma memories.....he's seen way too much that isn't happy where I am concerned. I thank those of you who encouraged me to go for it with this trip. I never have been one to make split decisions but this seems right. I want to die with as few regrets as I can. Being with those I love as much as I can manage is something I will never regret.
I hope the silence on this thread isn't a sign of anything bad but rather that you all are enjoying some pain free Spring days. You are included in my prayers in loving kindness. Juli
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(((Juli)))
You wrote, "I want to die with as few regrets as I can. Being with those I love as much as I can manage is something I will never regret."
I'm so happy that you're taking the chance of going with your heart and family.
I wondered what you choose, thanks for telling us and for letting us cheer you on.
bon voyage, Stephanie
P.S. I'm enjoying my bearable pain days. Everything on the farm is flourishing, the chickens are delightful and the air is abuzz with hummingbirds, insects and the scents of hundreds of flowers. Hard not to go into overwhelm as grass and tree leaves grow greener and more lush daily.
P.S.S. Hoping others on the thread are also finding joy too.
P.S.S. I keep thinking of the late breast cancer blogger Lisa Bonchek Adams http://lisabadams.com/blog/ who asked us to "Find a bit of beauty in the world today. Share it. If you can't find it, create it. Some days this may be hard to do. Persevere."
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Darling Women,
I so want to here with you. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and cause unnecessary grief.
Please forgive me for dropping into your club unannounced and enjoy this rose as a token of my esteem. I've enjoyed your posts and wanted to share something with you. My mother grew these roses in her yard. She was very proud of them. This is a Sterling Silver rose. they're a light purple with a gentle scent.
Off I'll go and see you all another day.
cb
(Please ignore my stats below, I'm having technical difficulties beyond my control. Well, at least beyond my capacity to give a damn.)
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- I so enjoyed reading everything that you post it I continue the to be in not the nursing home for the diverticulitis two and a half months which has taken the Forefront and put in cancer and their background pain is being controlled the problem is when I was trying on and on hospice they have started writing it as to when I took the medication and not nursing her I have to get up at 1 so I'm not getting my body is not getting the medicine when I'm used to getting it I don't really have any pain right now I just took mine whatever and the Breakthrough if they listen to me very much and I'm going to give me my break through that I'm used to have them when I was home I have a train in the abscess it was apps and bring him out they put another drain in so I can go Tuesday and I guess you're going to do is ask and see what happens with drinking not weekend it's still draining and I had to on the inside and one on a abscess on the outside I don't know if anybody remembers but last year I was in the hospital with an abscess or 10 days and went home after 7 weeks and now I live I went home after about 12 weeks and it is the same after I didn't take the antibiotics long enough for dating given to me long enough so it's still the same apps as I had a year ago it's like ridiculous I'm so glad everybody there Rosie you are like a hero months ago you were telling me you wouldn't be here in 2 weeks and you're still around of course you are we're doing this together until evening the other ones welcome to this stupid cancer the website is God's son I don't know what I would do without it I'm here and I'll keep you i am sure it doesnt make sense, sorry up-to-date Cancer Sucks
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Darling Rosevalley,
I can't believe I let this slide! I'd started to answer you in my mind, but your letter triggered a lot for me.
Four years ago, I was again hospice eligible. I had lots of pleural effusion in addition to the pleural mets I still have. My palliative care doctor recommended a big surgery, a VATS (video assisted thorascopic surgery) with talc to join my pleura (lung linings) together. It was a hard surgery with an extended recovery period for me. Shortly after another MBC sister, Donna Peach, https://donnapeach.com went through the same procedure and never really recovered from it.
I was very sobered to once again realize what a close call with death and accelerated disease I'd had. And that so many who'd tried so much harder than I survived for a shorter time.
Today, after posting the link to Lisa B. Adams' blog, I reread her last posts to find that she had her indwelling drain for ascites for only five days before she died.
Five days, dear Rosevalley!
On April 24, I will have had mine for 8 months. And on April 19, I will have lived four years after the VATS.
It's mind-boggling to realize what close calls we've had and how many others haven't survived similar calls.
When this happens, I often feel like I could be scrapped off the the floor with a pancake turner.
Scanxiety and waiting for test results really aren't the worst for me. The emotional yo-yo-ing of life-death-life-death, no it's life again has it's own kind of devastation. I start to realize, recognize, all the ways I could go. Some more pleasing, some less pleasing. Some ameliorated by morphine and drugs, others physically and emotionally traumatizing.
Although there are unfortunate aspects of being single and not having children, I don't think I could take the emotional toll of putting my loved ones through this yo-yo existence.
Does this make sense to you? To anyone?
The survival estimates for living with indwelling drains for ascites are depressing. I only chose it because I didn't want to go to the hospital every week, but if you had told me in August that I'd be writing this in April, I would have thought you were pulling my leg. Rose valley, I read the same medical articles. You and I are once again outliers on the survival curve.
I've no idea what it all means. Or if it means anything. Maybe I just like to assign meaning to inexplicable things like life and death - what with being human and all.
The wild geese just flew by, calling, and this Mary Oliver poem came echoing back:
(hear her say it by clicking on the title)
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.~ Mary Oliver
Sending much love and apologies for my belated reply.
loving kindness for all, Stephanie
<I also appreciate your honesty Stephanie. I too decided that quality matters and went and spoke to my PCP about taking a antidepressant. Initially it was celexa from the oncologist but that reacts with zofran and I need zofran. Plus it can make you sleepy.. I am already dragging. So we decided on Zoloft. I take so many meds. My quality of life would suffer without them. But I feel down.. very unsettled. I got so fixated on dying as it looked that was the only path open to me. Then I switched gears to better, bumped out of hospice. I still have pain, still drain ascites every other day and I know the longest person with a pleurx drain was 18 months... I have had mine 8 months. I am on borrowed time with no "future" to speak of. Even if they add Ibrance, my chances of getting low blood counts and peritonitis goes up. no win.. So like you Stephanie I will take the antidepressants and hope it helps my quality of life. I still am deciding on whether to spend the money on new glasses. It's been years. So much to consider.>
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Jharris- Have a great time with your grandsons! Take those pain meds. I was out all day today and my back was just killing me.. took pain meds 2x! I kept on going. Living life. Tell us about your trip when you return. Thank you for telling me your experience with antidepressants worked. I am still waiting to seeif they help.
cb123- That rose is gorgeous! what a fantastic color. Thank you for sharing that photo.
Hi Blondie- typing is not my strong point either. I am so glad to see your post. We miss you and send hugs and love your way. I hope things are going well in hospice and your symptoms are being controlled. I hope your kids are behaving and your window is sunny. (((Hugs)))
Stephanie- my pleurx cath was placed in Sept. so its 8 months. Most die with them between 2-5 months with malignant ascites. The stats are depressing. I am draining every 3 days and the amounts are decreasing enough to go to 3 days. The color stays the same.. straw colored. I am just resigned to the cath and draining is my life. So be it. I drained 600 off this morning after 3 days and went on to have a good day with my family. I even ate a piece of cheese pizza and water. I kept everything down. I walked all over and made it without feeling like I would pass out. I am doing better then I have been in months. The weather was gorgeous sunny and I am grateful for my cancer reprieve. It won't last but I willsnatch life where I can find it! Just like Stephanie leaving hospice 4 years earlier with pleural mets and going on to live 4 more years. Plus we have blasted the stats on the drains too! The longest one I have foundwas 18months in a malignant ascites patient whohad ovarian cancer. Never underestimate "longterm surviors!" Ha ha You picked a perfect name for yourself. I named myself for the flowers and the temperate valley here. May we thrive in our endeavors... leaving life gracefully and with dignity and peace. Oh and living well as we are able until it's time to take those last breaths.
Lovingkindness to all our sisters especially those in hospice Hope, Nancy, M360 Blondie and Stephanie. I love Mary Oliver poems.
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jharris--just a tip for your trip. When you get to the park or parks there is a place you can go and give a dr's note to get fast passes so you don't have to wait in line so much! They have done it before, but it was 2013. I would still check at each park. Have a wonderful time!!!! Say hi to Mickey for me
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We met with our college age daughter and had a lovely visit. I learned that our neighbor only 52 who had struggled with cancer and seemed to beat it, died a month ago. My daughter told me. I didn't know, but she knew because their daughter is the same age. This family lives up the street. I try not to look at the obituaries on any regular basis. He had 4 kids and our daughters were in school together. I feel badly as I see his wife walking the dog. Life is hard. I am grateful to be alive and sorry for my neighbors. Another family to pray for. Sometimes we had conversations in the front yard doing yard work, talking about struggles with cancer and trying to live with treatments. Life is fragile. This news has me in a funk. Survivors guilt? Empathy for another Mom/ family with kids. May all beings be happy and peaceful. Metta helps.
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Rose, happy to read you enjoyed some pizza. Simple pleasures. The passing of your neighbor, must weigh on your DD. Another reminder. I am surprised you have not been on anti-depressants before. I started taking Zoloft after chemo & during rads in 2014. That's when my zippy do da, crashed.
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Blondie, always good to hear from you.
And Rosevalley too - I so get it about your neighbor dying. How very close to home for your daughter and you.
AKShelley, thinking of you and wondering how you're doing now. Any updates to share?
Thinking of everyone else nearing death, as it is a special state of being and not always in a good way.
I just finished reading Ann Neumann's The Good Death: An Exploration of Dying in America and really reacted to her description of her father's death from cancer - because it was hard, tragic and not what they wanted. She then became a hospice volunteer and also wrote about a variety of dying and death related topics in the book and at http://therevealer.org/verse/ann-neumann While I value her stories and her seeking, I still find some hard to read.
I wonder if she'd consider my life worth living?
I wonder if the old me would?
I used to say, "no tubes", but I've had my port for 14 years and a tube dangling from my belly for nearly 8 months. I used to say, "I'll give up when treatment stops working" or "when I'm under 100# at 5'6"" or "when I have pain" or "when I have to go to hospital, ER, ICU" or "before I do chemo again."
But I've crossed all those lines, but the last two and am using hospice as a bulwark against them. I'm still enjoying my loved ones, my life and myself - immensely. It's all still fascinating and I'm still engaged. From some people's perspective, my life isn't worth living. Even from my old perspective, this isn't what I'd choose for myself.
Today, I'm most missing my ability to take baths, swim or visit hot springs because of the tube in my belly. This is hardly worth folding my hand of cards and calling it quits.
Well, enough pondering for today. I'm headed out into the warm afternoon sunshine.
Sending much love for all, whatever you're experiencing now. It just keeps changing, Stephanie
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Checking in to wish all my dear friends here comfort and peace on this Sunday afternoon. Very delighted to read that both Stephanie and Rosevalley are beating the stats! Very delighted to know Blondie posted. If I remember correctly, Blondie will be on hospice for a year in May. Another wonderful outlier! May all be sustained and revived !
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Holeinone- Yes my zippydoo-da crashed. I could feel the depression creep in.. just losing interest wanting to sleep and not talk. I thought. I have so little time left I can not waste it being depressed. I needed some help. So I asked for it. I probably needed it before now but not as bad. I hope it helps. It's only been a week. Maybe it's taking the edge off but not much yet. Wish me luck.
Stephanie- I was feeling kind of full this morning and decided not to wait 3 days to drain. I got the same amount off, damn. I keep hoping the faslodex will stop the ascites but not yet. Slowed it a little. Such is my life. It is hard not to be able to take a bath. I have a lovely jetted tub and a fine hot water heater.. How I would love to soak in the tub. Can't because of the tube snaking out of my belly. Mixed bag for sure but it gets the fluid off. Damn fluid. At least today is sunny and it is supposed to be warm. I so understand about how cancer chomps away at what our lives used to be and we adapt and roll with the changes. Living life and the will to live is so strong. It's like second nature to breathe and keep going. So we march forward. Life is sweet and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun.
I have lots of chores to do to keep me busy. I need to force myself to keep going. Thanks for sharing the journey it means a lot to have support. Sending lovingkindness to all my sisters out there. Peace.
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Stephanie, I think we all go through that. At least, I anticipate doing so. Its very common for someone to say "I won't live with X", only when X comes, it's another small step in a long downward process. We become so used to our limitations that we simply learn to live with them.
Peace be with everyone.
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Blondie, great to hear from you ! your last post, I got, but not all of it came through on my IPad. I was dx with liver mets in March. Back in treatment & hanging in there. Thanks for the shoot out.....
I hope your days are as pain free as possible.
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Good to see other members writing in to this topic. Thank you!
I'm short of time this morning, but wanted to check in on my latest check-up.
Saw my dentist yesterday who said I'm doing great and my teeth and gums are too.
The good news is my teeth and gums are going to outlive me!
The really good news is I'm not facing another "to treat or not to treat" question.
Am so used to thinking conservatively and long-term. Am still brushing and flossing twice daily. Tell myself it's for my immediate satisfaction, but there's something odd about having a healthy mouth in an unhealthy body.
Actually, there's something very odd about my whole dying trajectory.
I am well.
I am not worried or "woe is me."
Have already enjoyed nearly 60 years of unexpected life, having nearly died as a baby.
I define wellness for myself as being happy and engaged, useful and appreciative.
All my body need do or produce is presence...not athletic abilities; not a pain-free, symptom-free existence; not long hours of wakefulness; not a career or primary relationship or income or results.
My primary question of wellness is, "can I be present with this?"
Then come the other questions - accepting? happy? engaged? useful? appreciative? working for positive change? kind? grateful?
Sometimes, the answers aren't always, "YES!" Sometimes the answers are, "NO!"
Yet, I can go back to presence. Whether the answer is yes or no, I can be with the present moment unfolding without pushing it away when unpleasant or grasping when it's pleasant.
Then I know I'm fine.
And my teeth and gums are fine. My skin is fine-enough, even with pre-cancers dotting my face. My glasses will even be fine when I move them up a few notches. Even the cancer everywhere producing all sorts of symptoms and the healing ally drugs producing all sorts of effects.
Fine is well and I am grateful for the present, this chance to breathe in this moment.
Then everything changes...and I get to be present with change too.
That's my morning this morning.
May we all be held in loving kindness. May we be wrapped in peace and security. May we rest in light and darkness. May death show up as a friend, when we are ready to receive it. May we be safe, happy, healed and at ease with the unfolding.
Thank you, Stephanie
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Stephanie you amaze me. Your grace and fortitude, attitude and love of life comes through in everything you say. Clearly yours is a life well experienced and lived. There is no fear in your voice and that inspires me. Last Feb I was afraid and I am learning through your example to ease into it and go with the flow. Blessings to you for that life lesson. Thank you. May your afternoon be full of sun and flowers.
Hi Blondie. Good to see you post. How are those adorable Grandkids of yours? I hope they come and see you. Hi Holeinone. Great to see you too.
Well it's a lovely day warm 72 maybe. Clouds are rolling in though. We will be back to our cool and rainy Oregon weather by the weekend. I have so loved this taste of summer. We have had 3 days of 80 + degree weather that broke records. The plants are just eating up all this warmth and sun. Sooo pretty. The Rhodies are out full tilt in blooms. I am off to find my old cat. I haven't seen him allday and he missed his thyroid meds this morning. I need to go out and call for him not that he comes when you call - in his own good time. ^. .^ ha ha. Every time he goes missing I worry he has laid down someplace to die.. he's almost 16 and skinny and old. It will happen and I love him so.
Lovingkindness and peace to all.
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wish the optomistrist could come to the nursing home where maybe they dan tell me why everything is blurrywell the drain is still draining, surgeon next wedesday to determie what they are goig to do leave the drain in, take it out, put another one in, take it out ahen then if it comes back just put it back, apparently it is chronic.
The mosre depressing for me issue is that my friends and my kid awant mr to stay here not go to my daughters. They decided I neeeddto b here/ I have no assedts so the only thing I woul be giing them is my ssd.....they will give me 45.00 a momth for have, whooppie.....they keep saying that do need money for, OZMG, who is guying my clothes or invidentials, shoes or if I wan ice cream, or go ou to eat...other than that what is I want to go to the movies, they have activities they take you out for movies last week, 45.00 doesn't go fr.
Being stuck in here is the worst part. they [plomped me either, giving up your freedom like the car and driving privigledges is bad enough but when people are telling you what is good for you when you don't see it and they can come and go assthey please, and just come whenever they want to disheartington, they can ssay whatever they wantbut it isn't them. it is my friends and my older kids, the twins just want me home where I can pay billsd.
I am so lonely and upset I can't even begining to tell you, do youhey bisdit nope not realy, and as I hav said b4 jame lives across thestrret and tomy down the street, for me it is about thegrandchidren. Jamie's husband doesn't want me there, sehe said he she she really doesn't care but I don' buy that she listens to lllllher h....
sorry fo venting i beecrying since yesterday where I feel like they bombatdrd me and attached me in the drs. office. i get they want me to b safe, fed, medications being given but they screwed them up not giving me the right dosages, me falling in the bathroom the other day, not giving the correct food, meaning foood i am not supposed to eat cause of the diverticilus...pain is controled, bhut you ring the bell and sometimers and hour and a half b4 they come others half and hour. nevrr right away.
ok done venting thanks peeps....no pity part......
love you alll thanksd for being there
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Blondie , i am happy to see you post here again , but sorry you are feeling so miserable. Each person should be able to decide for herself and have decisions made for you. Even when someone's decision is thought to be made for your own benefit. You feel lonely i know but we are all here for you and you can vent as much as you want anytime you want.
I hope you feel better soon and happy your pain is controlled. Sending you love and loads of gentle hugs.
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Stephanie, your post is as wonderful as each one before it. You vibrate life and inspire it. You seem so serene and so much at ease with yourself and make death sound so friendly. You are inspiring , loving and caring . Thank you for your posts and sending you lots of love and plenty of sunshine to brighten your days.
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Blondie, I'm so sorry you are in the nursing home if that is not where you want to be. It can be really lonely -- vent all you like. We're here.
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I too am listening, dear Blondie, Stephanie
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She Let Go
(Rev. Safire Rose)
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As always, in lovingkindness, with hope for insight, connection, compassion, and peace.
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brendatrue, I loved your post
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Oh Brenda, I woke up with nausea and found this soft light at bco.
Thank you!
It comes at just the right moment for me, shining a gentle light on "letting go".
Yesterday, I tempted happiness and well being, by opening my heart to everything...so everything came: stressed and distressed carers; news of deaths, mental illness and melt-downs; the suicide attempt of a friendly acquaintance; life-threatening disease complications of a stranger; a cat friend's cancer and leg amputation; incarceration and addiction of someone I've known for over 20 years, the suffering of his parents; people seriously ill with my genetic condition; record-breaking heat and environmental challenges; political strife; even people who want me to tend to their business needs.
My usual symptoms increased - belly swelling, nausea, fatigue, pain and I developed a new one - redness and oozing at the site of my drain. I so don't want an infection and antibiotics. Not now or ever again.
Ah, to release into dissolution, letting go and knowing so very much is out of my control.
And, in spite of (despite?) caring, there is not much I can physically do besides offering up prayers and tiny bits of sought advice.
So, dear Brenda, thank you for your timely reminder that sometimes there is nothing to do but let go.
Thank you and loving kindness for your loving kindness.
Carrying "letting go" like a newly released butterfly, the cupped palms of my hands open to the sky. When her wings fill, may she fly.
great gratitude, Stephanie
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Brenda thank you for your letting go post. I fret about my kids and worry.. to no avail. I had someone tell me they "give it up to God." The same thing as "letting go." That which you can not control.. let it go. Worry that accomplishes nothing.."let it go." "Let it be." It's a profound message for our lives and our times. What will the cancer do next?? Let it go be at peace.
Dear Blondie- vent we are here for you. I hear your frustration and pain and wish there was something I could do. Maybe your family is afraid of the drain and medical needs. It's a big responsibility and perhaps they are fearful they could not help you enough and don't want you hurt or in pain.I don't know. I hope the kids still come to see you. Gentle hugs.
Dear Stephanie may your burdens be lighter. Gentle hugs to you too. Sounds like you have had many stressors in your friends and family. When you opened your heart to the world the cares of the world showed up! I hope things lighten up. May your symptoms be controlled and manageable. May letting go of the cares and suffering be attainable. Sometimes just being present to listen is enough even when we can't help or fix the problem. Like the butterfly image you beautifully described. Cup and hold the butterfly care and then release. May the cares fly away as you let them go.
Lovingkindess to all those in hospice and all sisters.
love to all
rosevalley
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