A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
-
So many voices sharing love, kindness, and respect! How fulfilling to know that together we create an even larger community than we might guess.
Having felt quite depleted a few days ago, I spent some time meditating and a quote from Hafiz came to mind: "I felt in need of a great pilgrimage, so I sat still for three days." While not physically still, I allowed my mind and heart to move toward stillness. I think that led to an opening and a filling, and actually a shift--toward something I do not yet recognize but will allow myself to explore and to know more deeply.
During that time, a poem that I have shared a couple of times on BCO keeps moving in and out of my mind. I will share it again with the hope that it holds meaning for at least some of you.
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
(Wendell Berry)
So many of us are drawn repeatedly to the circle of nature as we search for peace, comfort, solace, connection, and more. Surely there is something inherent in our human nature that helps us to open ourselves to healing and wholeness and to rest in the grace of the world, free.
In lovingkindness....
0 -
An extra thank you to Rose, for earlier heartfelt posts and the most recent post sharing an update about Stephanie.
0 -
Stephanie, I hope this bit of quietness does you well and you gain some strength. You are defitely missed on this thread. I gain more from your posts than any book I could pick up and read. You wondered a while back how many silent readers are out there. You can see there are many. All gathering here to gain from your posts. You give so much to everyone. Everyone is missing you and praying you are comfortable. We all want that for you. Love you, Mary Anne
0 -
I don't often post here but read all the time. You all have taught me so much and you all are a source of inspiration to me. Your generosity and love is soothing to me. I hope to have your grace and courage.
Rose, thanks for the update on Stephanie. I hope to hear from her soon.
Sending love and hugs.
0 -
Dear Bon
I for one am very sorry to see you go. I can hear your pain.
I love you as I love all my BCO sisters here.
God bless you on your journey through life.
xxxxxxxxxxx
0 -
Surely there is something inherent in our human nature that helps us to open ourselves to healing and wholeness and to rest in the grace of the world, free.
In lovingkindness....
0 -
I tthink that this is a good time to share some more info about lovingkindness:
Loving-kindness, or metta, as it in called in the Pali language, is unconditional, inclusive love, a love with wisdom. It has no conditions; it does not depend on whether one "deserves" it or not; it is not restricted to friends and family; it extends out from personal categories to include all living beings. There are no expectations of anything in return. This is the ideal, pure love, which everyone has in potential. We begin with loving ourselves, for unless we have a measure of this unconditional love and acceptance for ourselves, it is difficult to extend it to others. Then we include others who are special to us, and, ultimately, all living things. Gradually, both the visualization and the meditation phrases blend into the actual experience, the feeling of loving kindness.
This is a meditation of care, concern, tenderness, loving kindness, friendship–a feeling of warmth for oneself and others. The practice is the softening of the mind and heart, an opening to deeper and deeper levels of the feeling of kindness, of pure love. Loving kindness is without any desire to possess another. It is not a sentimental feeling of goodwill, not an obligation, but comes from a selfless place. It does not depend on relationships, on how the other person feels about us. The process is first one of softening, breaking down barriers that we feel inwardly toward ourselves, and then those that we feel toward others.
Take a very comfortable posture. One of the aims in this meditation is to feel good, so make your posture relaxed and comfortable. Begin to focus around the solar plexus, your chest area, your "heart center". Breathe in and out from that area, as if you are breathing from the heart center and as if all experience is happening from there. Anchor your mindfulness only on the sensations at your heart center.
Breathing in and out from the heart center, begin by generating this kind feeling toward yourself. Feel any areas of mental blockage or numbness, self-judgment, self-hatred. Then drop beneath that to the place where we care for ourselves, where we want strength and health and safety for ourselves.
Continuing to breathe in and out, use either these traditional phrases or ones you choose yourself. Say or think them several times.
May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.
May I be free of mental suffering or distress.
May I be happy.
May I be free of physical pain and suffering.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.
Next, move to a person who most invites the feeling of pure unconditional loving kindness, the love that does not depend on getting anything back. The first person is usually someone we consider a mentor, a benefactor, an elder. It might be a parent, grandparent, teacher, someone toward whom it takes no effort to feel respect and reverence, someone who immediately elicits the feeling of care. Repeat the phrases for this person: "May she be safe and protected…."
After feeling strong unconditional love for the benefactor, move to a person you regard as a dear friend and repeat the phrases again, breathing in and out of your heart center.
Now move to a neutral person, someone for whom you feel neither strong like nor dislike. As you repeat the phrases, allow yourself to feel tenderness, loving care for their welfare.
Now move to someone you have difficulty with–hostile feelings, resentments. Repeat the phrases for this person. If you have difficulty doing this, you can say before the phrases, "To the best of my ability I wish that you be…." If you begin to feel ill will toward this person, return to the benefactor and let the loving kindness arise again. Then return to this person.
Let the phrases spread through your whole body, mind, and heart.
After the difficult person, radiate loving kindness out to all beings. Stay in touch with the ember of warm, tender loving-kindness at the center of your being, and begin to visualize or engender a felt sense of all living beings. The traditional phrases are these:
May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..May all living beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..
May all breathing beings be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..
May all individuals be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..
May all beings in existence be safe, happy, healthy, live joyously…..
Allow the phrases to be simply a conduit for the force of loving-kindness. Empower your imagination through the five phrases to touch the hearts of all forms of life in the universe, unconditionally and inclusively. Stay with all beings until you feel a personal sense of the profound interconnectedness of all creatures, all life.From http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/loving-kindness
0 -
Brenda, thank you for that post. I am copying it out to use myself. Sending loving kindness to you all.
0 -
There are many that read this thread and out of respect to our stage 4 sisters, never post. That doesn't mean our hearts aren't with you ALL every day. I think it's safe to say that when any one of you hurt, we all hurt. I've learned many lessons being a quiet reader on this thread, and I appreciate the honesty, struggle and grace that you all share. Thank you for that gift.
Brenda, I'm in agreement with Ruth. I'm printing this out as a reminder to myself. Thank you.
0 -
nice post Brenda, .....I am all about the peace that unconditional love brings. It gives me such a wonderful surrender and comfort. To know that you can be loved in your worst condition and best condition is such a safe beautiful place. All is well with my soul
0 -
Thank you Mods!! It is a nice Spring cleaning.
0 -
Sweet Rose, thank you for posting an update about Stephanie. This cannot have been an easy post to write, and I am keenly aware that you and Stephanie have forged a special bond that you both have generously shared with us. Our love and thoughts are with you and Stephanie, wishing you both a peaceful time, cocooned in the knowledge that your words have served as a gentle balm to so many.
And Rose, I wish you continued healing ahead, and for both you and our dearest Stephanie, solace and reassurance that your courageous sharing will always be reflected upon with gratitude.
With love.
- Anne
0 -
Has anyone heard from Hortense? She offered great support to Capriness Terri. I know she has been declining.
Sorry to post here.
0 -
Michele 2013- Hortense was very sick and stopped posting months ago. She was a tremendous presence to Terri Capriness and I felt terrible she had pancreatic cancer on top of the breast cancer. She just stopped posting. I would assume she passed on, but I have no way of checking. I loved her photos and observations of wildlife on her property.. so full of nature, kindness and wonder. She is missed.
I had a lovely PM from both Stephanie and Blondie. Both struggle and are in hospice. It's hard to keep up with life and find the energy to post. I don't know how they do it. A fleeting virtual friendship on the path. Cancerland takes us on such a twisting turning journey. I feel like those poor souls on Naked and Afraid, they start out strangers full of hope and resolve to make it and some bail. There is a cancer in the woods..waiting and we are suffering through the rain, cold nights and are hungry and full of uncertainty. Best Bird said it true we are not PTSD we are TSD because it never ends. The Post part never comes. You never get to end the game in 21 days. The entire life ends. I accept that our precious lives end and death is a noble ending. I just can't help but miss those I enjoyed. I am so human and attachment is hard.
Brenda- the longer I am on this journey the more important Metta Lovingkindness is to me. Once I understood the practice and began not only sending lovingkindness to others but also myself - life softens and opens up. There is a widening and opening to the world when you practice Metta. Empathy and interbeing. Where your hurt and joy ends and mine begins is blurred. Other religions practice it, the same intent but have different names for it. May all being be happy and free from suffering.
Lovingkindess to Stephanie, Blondie, M360, Hope, Nancy and all those in hospice.
0 -
Dear BCO friends,
I have ever been changed by this week away and not away. While I've tried to keep up on this thread and have read PMs, too much has happened too quickly and I'm moving too slowly. What I've received is a healing balm of support - for me personally, but more important is how everyone wants the same thing, that this be a safe, supportive and welcoming place for all.
The Death and Dying topic is particularly charged and we mortals walk a fine line between sharing our often grim realities while not scaring others. This is the third time I will apologize for any hurt and harm triggered by my words, words meant only to heal and help.
I too want to reweave our safe and supportive basket and will use my heartfelt words to do so. My intention is to co-create relationships of trust, healing and loving kindness for all.
xxx
I'm up early this morning entertaining my new-old friend, the seasick sailor nausea. He's a terrible dance partner – rapidly swaying me to and fro, knocking me down, stepping on my toes. While he's having a good old time, I'm calming him down with zofran, chicken and stuffing, the sauerkraut that goes with every meal (sauerkraut is a hangover food and speaks nausea's language).
I woke thinking of "playing the cancer card" and "playing the dying card".
Just a few years into my breast cancer life, I read an article by a Buddhist practitioner who shared one of her breast cancer survival tip, "receive every kindness." She meant the kindness of loved ones, but also strangers. The kindness of loving kindness mediations, prayers and well-wishes from those of all religious persuasions. The kindness in practical gestures by health care providers and others just doing their jobs.
And she meant too to look at everyone with the eyes of loving kindness, understanding our inter-being (as the Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh calls it). It is only by others' generosity that we live and die - at all, never mind well. Seeing this interconnection, we express gratitude through receiving with an open heart.
When I feel into what type of world I want to live in, I know it is one of kindness, compassion, caring, generosity, gratitude and offering back what was offered me.
Yet, this isn't always easy.
Sometimes, I've suffered harshness - my own body's disease; medical treatments meant to care that instead harm; feelings of disconnection and isolation; the discomforts of wanting and not wanting what clearly is and is always changing; confusion and feeling lost in the world.
Remembering the potential for healing connection whether in harsh or gentle times is a challenge. Returning to my intention to "receive every kindness" helps me grow into a person I want to be.
I often say, "living well is the best revenge, against cancer."
Cancer and serious illness has brought misery to my life, yet that same Pandora's box has also brought hope, joy, connection.
Such a paradox.
Now, I'm feeling that dying well is my best last act in my very long-running cancer play.
I am playing my "dying card" by receiving the kindness of my loved ones, hospice team, bco members.
Brenda has described death as healing and though I may define it differently, I too experience dying as a period of healing my life wounds.
I need no longer go it alone, stand only on my own two feet, rely only on myself.
Instead, I am called to increasingly trust others, to lean into healing and help, to allow others to stand up for me when I'm no longer strong enough to stand up for myself.
I lie down most of the time. Right now I'm semi-reclined. I sleep a lot and when not asleep, I drift along, dozing and waking. At home on the farm, I watch the moving pictures - wind rustling trees and grasses, busy birds in sky and trees, chicken tv. This is enough action for me. My circle of care circles 'round, as does my hospice team. Physically, I decline. Inwardly, I rise. In relationship, I lean, trust, allow and receive.
This is only a snapshot, a moment-in-time of my dying this morning.
Soon, I will drain another liter from my belly (it's been over 450# from my 100# frame) and begin the first of many daily naps.
May we all play our cards with as much grace, gratitude, generosity, faith and finesse as we can manage.
May we all offer safety and support to ourselves and one another.
May we all walk in beauty, loving kindness and peace, peace, peace.
Blessings, Stephanie
0 -
Rest well, Stephanie. Your presence is a blessing, and so are your words. May your many naps be sparked with bright dreams full of laughter. I hope you feel all our lovingkindness wafting to you on warm spring breezes from every direction today.
Welcome back.
0 -
rest well Stephanie and absorb all the love that is coming your way. I really hope you feel that love for it is sincere in the purest sense. You have touched so many lives in a positive way.
Mary Anne
0 -
Thrilled to read you again, Stephanie! Rest well in beautiful spring...
0 -
Dearest Stephanie, it is so wonderful to read your beautiful words again, and to again feel your amazing spirit.
What incredible power and beauty reside in your words, "Physically, I decline. Inwardly, I rise. In relationship, I lean, trust, allow and receive."
May you receive love, sunshine, hugs, laughter, and all you wish for - now and forever.
0 -
Stephanie I am so glad you are back. I know it's not going to be for years but your sharing your journey helps me prepare for mine. For that I am profoundly grateful. I hope to trust, allow and receive. (I tend to hunker down and hide when miserable.. pushing people away. I hid in January trying to keep it together and failing. Too miserable to endure people.)You show such grace in the storm. Rest yourself and allow your team to support you. We support you too. In our virtual world bridged between states and time zones, counties and continents... we can reach out to other breast cancer patients and hold them, tell them we care. It's quite amazing to reach out and care for someone thousands of miles away. It's wonderful too. This can be a lonely ride. Maybe we make it a lighter burden to bear. (((Hugs)))
0 -
Stephanie,
So well written. Gentle hugs and strength to you
Nel
0 -
Stephanie
To take your words.....I can only hope that I can play my cards with as much grace, gratitude, generosity, faith and finesse as I witness from you. I am so glad you are back here with us.
Mary Anne
0 -
Mary Anne, so beautifully stated!
Rosevalley, despite your impulse to retreat when facing difficulty, you reach out to others with continual kindness. If that isn't true courage, I don't know what is.
Wishing all a peaceful day!
0 -
Stephanie, In gratitude that you are back. You are helping me so much, in my own process of dying. May your days be filled with peace, love and serenity.
With love and respect, Melanie
0 -
Dear AkShelley and bco readers of this topic,
I want to return to my earlier response to AKShelley's first post to this topic to clarify, expand and, hopefully make it more useful.
My sayings and systems for dealing with stupid phrases from well-meaning but clueless people in a firm, but loving way:
I say, thank you for caring about me and my well being (even if I think they're guilt-tripping me).
And, I change the topic ASAP - these aren't safe people to share my concerns with!
I'm a bit of a California hippie dippie, so I also put a shield of light around myself whereby all prayers, wishes and thoughts are transformed into "what's best for my ultimate good". I really don't want pity or stupidity or bad voodoo piercing me.
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/770023?page=106#post_4677102
I live where I'm likely to meet folks who direct me to follow certain diets, pursue dubious alternative care, put mind over matter, engage in rigorous clinical trials and to "get well soon".
For some reason, the last is most irksome for me, something I didn't realize until the spouse of a newly diagnosed stage IV partner wrote it and I thought, "oh, I hope this couple isn't in for a nasty surprise when cancer isn't gotten over soon."
Now that I've lived so long for so well with advanced cancer, I receive fewer directions of what to do and more "explanations" for my survival. I hear variously, it must be my healthful habits, good attitude, fighting approach, strength, meditation practice, faith in God or holistic health practices (https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/79/topics/839204?page=1#post_4596263 ).
While not untruthful, this is not the whole truth. And it drives me apart from my tribe and even my own suffering – how then do I show my hurting side to the world?
I often reply, "think of what you're saying about those who didn't get the same results. Are they unhealthy, being punished, weak, unfaithful or lacking in the resources I have? Do they deserve to suffer and die?"
Though my screenname is longtermsurvivor, it's completely tongue-in-cheek. Until coming here, I never claimed the survivor title, because it implies I got what deserve and others, who haven't lived so well or so long, got what they deserve.
Life's randomness and mystery are hard to bear and humans seek explanations and "speak story" about what can't be known. We all do it, but it can be oppressive and make it impossible to speak our full truth – the suffering and the glory, the loss and mourning, the challenges and triumphs, the brokenness and the light shining through.
As Leonard Cohen sings in Hallelujah. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttEMYvpoR-k
This is the basis of compassion (literally, suffering with). I believe compassion along with loving kindness, sympathetic joy and equanimity is one of the Buddhism's divine abodes – the sort of best of the best of being human together.
So, when someone distances themselves from me with well-meaning but clueless phrases, I seek compassion, self-protection and to assume they are doing the best they can.
Hope this proves useful to some here.
May all beings be safe, happy, healed and at ease, all beings everywhere without one exception.
Your companion (bringer of the bread), Stephanie
Thank you for asking for clarification, especially if I've used jargon or lingo that isn't yours!
0 -
Thank you for posts. All the folks here who soulfully think and take the time to write about their journey. Sometimes people are so clueless in their comments. When we adopted our first born she was just an 11th month baby. We knew she had a heart aliment and was a failure to thrive from a Vietnamese orphanage, but that was all we knew. What we didn't know is it was caused by rubella and she had a syndrome causing mild retardation, microcephally, autism, deafness, PDA (opeing in the heart repaired with a heart cath) and global delays. It took a year to decipher everything that was wrong with her. We had good friends and coworkers who said cheerfully they wouldn't dream of adopting.."look what happened to you!" As if you can't have a kid and have them have difficulties or traumatic injury and a life time of disability. We took on our daughter, love her and we did our best just as if she was born to us. I look at Zika virus and it's damage and think how similar to rubella. It also damaged her liver and eventually she will require a transplant.. all that from a virus exposed in utero. Shitty luck eh? Maybe cancer will turn out to be virally "turned on." It wouldn't surprise me. But for want of a 15$ vaccine my precious daughter would have been born perfect. My husband wouldn't be friends with the couple who said they wouldn't adopt look at what happened to you. DH's sister has Down's and he loves her no matter. It was a matter of human value and once you are here - you have value! DH doesn't suffer fools.
Anyway I have always wondered about the imagery around war and "soldiers inthe fight against cancer.. the warrior spirit." Buddhism uses the warrior imagery too and yet Buddhists are nonviolent and peace loving. I don't feel like I am in a battle and this is not like fighting a cold. It's being eaten alive, lived in by alien cells who want to set up housekeeping here they don't belong and take over. I have no idea why my Grandmother lived just 3 years after her diagnosis of IBC. She did everything they told her to. My Great Aunt had premenopausal breast cancer and lived 20 years before dying of ovarian cancer. I have lived 9.5 years after lllA breast cancer. I have crashed and resurrected 2 times and it is unclear what helps me beat the odds. My Aunt got breast cancer and she doesn't smoke, is active, thin married over 30 years before he died.. socially connected to friends, kids and her church. She did it all right and got cancer anyway. I cringe at the warrior imagery and being a Quaker/Buddhist sympathizer can't feel comfortable.
We will all lose the battle. Life stops and people die. We all die of something. We hope of old age at 85, of a silent heart attack in our sleep. I have only met one person who lived to be 89 and died of a MI suddenly. Nice if you can get it. To imply folks who get cancer and suffer, deserve it and had it coming or caused it willfully, seems cruel and unfair. Kids and babies get cancer. Some folks smoke until they are 90 and never get cancer. Who knows what turns it on. I bet the reasons are multifaceted and dependent on genetics and exposure - just a guess. It will take a long time to unravel why we "get" cancer and how to treat or turn it off. In the mean time it's best to say cancer and illness sucks and blame no one. Cancer does suck and telling the truth is just the truth! But then drop it there.. no blame, no vegetable cures, belief in a new God, diets and magical remedies... ugh!
May we all be happy and free from suffering.
0 -
My dear Rosevalley, how wonderful it is to wake and find your letter, to feel engaged again and to know, it's not only you and I in this conversation, but others who read. I hope they will feel free to write as well as read, we are all mortal!
I want to note with thanks all who "came out" and shared how and why this topic is important to you. I wondered if we were the horror show of where you don't want to go. Maybe some of you were rubbernecking our "crash on the highway"? Making notes of what you do and don't want for yourselves? Feeling into support? Witnessing the wide range of what can happen at eol? Learning, changing and growing along with us?
I suspect we all have a range of feelings and I support all of us, including the rubberneckers.
So, Rosevalley, good morning!
You share such wonderful observations, that I will take time to reflect from my experience, which does differ, and add a different perspective - not to disagree, but to broaden the topic.
It will take a long time to unravel why we "get" cancer and how to treat or turn it off. In the mean time it's best to say cancer and illness sucks and blame no one. Cancer does suck and telling the truth is just the truth! But then drop it there.. no blame, no vegetable cures, belief in a new God, diets and magical remedies... ugh!
Yes, cancer sucks and no blame for anyone. Yes, no one deserves to suffer and die. Yet, I believe, if conditions are right and include support, we can have a full range of human reactions in the "cancer experience" and experience healing right through the end of life. This has been true for me and many others I've known. Now healing isn't curing and my good friend Michael Lerner of Commonweal's Cancer Help Program distinguishes between the two in this short video from a Healing Journey's conference.
Because I was raised in a 12-step family (I've got all the luck - bad and good!), I adopted the serenity prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
Like Victor Frankl described in his book, Man's Search for Meaning, we can't control all our circumstances or all our reactions, but we can find meaning and purpose and grow beyond only reacting to life's horrors and death's promise of extinction.
Although I don't consider myself a fighter and am a pacifist in the war on cancer, I've identified with the focused intention of the warrior poses in yoga. I also have practiced Buddhist meditation and find that my own mind, my own reactions, my own stories require the focused attention of a warrior's. I don't so much feel I'm bombing or shooting cancer, but that I wrestle with it - hand-to-hand combat with my body's lifelong quest to overgrow benign and malignant tumors (I've had over 40 minor and major surgical procedures).
But, I love this body. I am my body-vessel, however flawed it may be by some standards. I don't feel like an innocent victim of my genetic condition or the resultant cancer. Rather, I am an active participant and that could be called a warrior's engagement.
Like your daughter, I was born with a rock in my shoe. I walk crooked all my life. Unable to shake either the condition or cancer, my freedom and power lie in acceptance, engagement and focused intention/attention.
And this song keeps coming to mind today:
Love Warriors - The Best Of Tuck & Patti
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lO7BvDf8Mc
I'll take your hands, dear friends, and together we will walk to the promised land.
Very much loving kindness for all, Stephanie
P.S. This just poured out of me. I hope it makes sense and that our explorations together will continue to bloom and grow. Garden imagery works so much better for me the than war imagery. Maybe the cancer is like rot in a tree - we prune it out and go on without the fallen limbs.
0 -
This is what I found in my garden this morning, it snowed last night -
New England now is very envying the regions with more spring!
Brenda used to wonder why certain people like myself who just started this dying process would be drawn to this thread. I can't come up with a clear answer. I guess I have a kind of death complex psychologically since I was 7. When I was 7, one day, I started to imagine death. I found a world without me to be not acceptable. I found being buried underground and becoming dead bones to be a too suffocating idea. I found loosing consciousness of the world for ever to be extremely dreadful and the ultimate nightmare. I suffered from my dread of death for weeks. I could not eat much. I did not want to play. I walked around like a little ghost. I was born to an unreligious environment. Nothing could comfort me. Somehow, my dread of death went away by itself. I came back as a normal child. I played, got scolded by parents often, grew up... However, I always know and be conscious of that death is my ultimate dread and sorrow. I am always particularly aware of all the implications and expressions of the idea of death everywhere, in literature which is my subject of study and profession, in arts which is my life time interest, in cultures which I am especially curious about ... Yet, to my surprise, my stage IV BC diagnosis did not scare me for too long. I guess it is because I am not a seven years old anymore. It made my heart heavy only for a month also. Well, it is not that my heart would not be heavier when I thought of my diagnosis. I do, and quite often. Still, I just bought a pair of new light weight shoes for this spring to walk around, and a couple of new shirts for the warmer weather to come, and new lounge pants to be comfortable around the house ... I guess I am just getting used to. However, among all the threads, I am drawn just to this one. I am drawn to this one for the truth, the depth of the mind, the so strong that almost hurting feelings and love of life from the point of view of death ...
Sorry, not yet any personal experience of issues of death (I have one year old extensive bone mets diagnosis, condition has been the same with or slightly better than when diagnosed). Just a little chat to echo Rosevalley, Stephanie, and Brenda's talks on this quiet Sunday.
0 -
Xavo, your flowers look so sad. New England is, indeed, envying warmer climes this week. Most of Maine has been fortunate to escape all but a light dusting of snow but wicked winds and cold weather have driven me to spend my time inside contemplating, you guessed it, death and dying.
I graciously accept the title of rubbernecker. I am nowhere near dying though I expect my time as a rubbernecker will be shorter than many here given my very short remission from original Dx and systematic progression in spite of chemo. I pray fervently to be proven wrong. I watch this thread closely, think on it, journal it but never contribute to it because I am not actively dying but I am learning to. I hope I can accomplish it with the grace and dignity of the women here, the women who (unknowingly) are teaching me that I can still live and contribute as I die. Who have helped me to understand that dying is simply a part of living. You have helped me to not be afraid, you have taught me to be my own advocate, to plan, to make decisions, to include family, to not waste time, to be truthful, to read and share of myself. Your contributions here are more far reaching and impactful than you will ever know on this side of death. I am ever grateful to rubberneck along this highway before I must travel it, ever mindful of the rubberneckers who will be watching me....and learning.
0 -
Welcome MaineRottweiller! You nailed it. I think that is why living people are attracted to this thread. Curiosity and wonder- "dying is a part of living. " We wonder about that bridge we all must cross.
Xavo your poor flowers got snowed! I remember as a kid fascinated by a dead mouse in a trap that my Grandmother caught out in the farm. My brothers and I could see it was dead but where did it go? How does this death thing work? The dead mouse didn't look scary but it was sad and death wasn't explained very well. Too much left to the imagination.
I am so glad to see others chime in and join in discussing their views and sharing comments. Just like you Stephanie having to suffer through all this trauma from your GI issues even as a baby. My DD1 has had so many things done she is a seasoned trouper at just 22. She had a heart cath repair at age 2. Most get a heart cath when they are 72! She is curious and fearless -a warrior of sorts. She has had to be; we support her as best we can. I feel badly about that but it is the only life she knows. Now all I know is the cancerland shuffle.. back and forth between office visits, new meds, tests, symptoms and meds to control them. It's a chess game.. cancer moves here. I move there.. back and forth --been near check mate 2 times. I very much like the imagery of the garden with cancer as a rot. Seems less threatening.
0
