A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Divine Ms M.
I love your posts and attitude. Live while one is alive..Afterwards, does it really matter if we did a good pot roast...For me, no long obituary...30 words more or less is fine...I just cannot stand these long stories which may or may not be true. Carolyn
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Speaking of obits, I've noticed that many death notices in the Washington Post are given to saying the dearly departed was "preceeded in death" by his or her parents or grandparents, even when the subject of the obituary is quite elderly. There was an instance the other day of a 98 year-old being "preceeded in death by his parents."
No kidding, Sherlock.
Tina
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Tina,
I often wonder the same thing. Really - I would have been surprised if they hadn't been
Nel
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when my mom died she had made everything super simple for my family. She was stage 4 bc. She had written her own obit , planned and payed for the funeral home and planned EVERY detail if her funeral including what she would wear She also had forms filled out - minus the date - for ss, va, ins etc. It made the whole grieving process a little easier. My sister, brother and I were able to grieve and comfort one another instead of running around trying to figure out what mom wanted. I plan to do this. Have started but nor motivated to finish yet.
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I've started that process, Patty, but then get sidetracked with all the activities of living .. LOL! I do have a funeral file, have donated my body to an anatomical board (when they are finished with me, they cremate me and send the ashes back to my DH) and have given my family copies of the card with number to call, have arranged with one of my best friends for a party at her house after a memorial service at my church. She said all my hubby has to do is pay to have her house cleaned before and after, and pay the caterer. Still cheaper than casket, funeral, etc., and all my family and friends can share crazy stories about me. I've even created my own slide show since I am the picture taker in the family and no one else knows my digital filing system. Plus, didn't want to leave out any good friends or important family!! It's the doggone paperwork that is a stumbling block for me.
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I hear you about the paperwork - I enthusiastically started it two months ago then stopped to live (because I've been feeling better than I have in six years) but it's hanging over me so perhaps I'll start again this week (or not).
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Yesterday I did something I've wanted to do for a long time. I cleaned out my closet .... Lots of clothes I no longer wear because I don't work. Lots of clothes don't fit anymore because of my chemo diet. I put a lot of nicer things on ebay and put three bags in the car for goodwill. Still habpve to go through my drawers but at least I got a good start. Paperwork ... Hmmm ....l maybe next week!! Or not!
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way to go gator - love the friends house idea. I have been having a hard time decided in that.i will be cremated. Don't want a funeral per se, just time for family and friends to grieve and share some laughs with crazy stories of the past. Don't really want to do it at church ( don't want family thinking that every time they go to church ) , don't want it at home ( same reason ) don't want to pay a funeral home outrageous prices, don't want an outdoor public place like park because can't guarantee weather( it might be cold and snowing ). A friends house sounds awesome and I have a few I think would gladly have it at their house. Now just got to figure out how to bring that subject up. Lol friends just wanna say everything is going to be ok- quit worrying. Well if I can just finish all the details I wouldn't be worrying as much. Can get in with living with one less burden.
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gator - great job on the closet. I don't think I have much considered that.
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Gatorgal, well done on the closet. My wardrobe is bursting at the seams but I can't let the clothes go even though most don't fit me. It's ridiculous. I think it's because it is acknowledging to myself that this is as good as it gets - I am never going to get any better, I will never go hill walking again, never go back to work, never dress up for a dress dance, never, never etc etc. Letting the clothes go is like closing the chapters of my life and who I was bc (before cancer). Confession, my bedroom is like a bomb hit it as I've too many clothes and I pull things out and very few things bc actually fit me. And I love some of my bc clothes and shoes. How shallow am I! I wear the same boring things over and over now. And I know how hard it can be for our loved ones to have to deal with all the detritus of our lives after we're gone. So I really admire you for getting to grips with shedding your clothes.
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Sometimes I find it easier to part with something if I can think of someone who could use or would really like it. That goes for old things like china, that I would hate to go in a yard sale. To me it's better to give away than leave behind to family members who don't really want.
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not shallow to love our stuff .... Sometimes we just have to make room for more! Last fall I was a size 14. Due to my chemo diet I'm now a 10. Have had to buy new summer pants. Can still wear tops because I like them a little big. Bought two nice dresses to wear to my daughter's wedding because I couldn't decide .... Short or long? Really, though, lots of my favorite stuff had just been worn too much and it was time for goodwill. I would look at it and think would one of my friends or family members want this? Nah, goodwill. I take pictures of what I donate and date them so at tax time I can remember what that receipt was for. I haven't worked in 3 years and don't plan to go back so who needs all those jackets and dress shoes! It was easier than I thought. Now, if I could just get rid if my scrapbooking stuff!
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I have a lifelong friend whose beautiful home burned to the ground four years ago and took everything with it so I gifted her my sterling flatware and am sending her one service of english bone china (I have three sets) - she is delighted to have it - and she has daughters who will appreciate it later - I have no children and most of my friends have china and silver and have inherited it as well plus the next generation seems to be a little more casual in their tastes and in fact may not even have dining rooms. As for clothing I have been losing weight of late but I am still keeping four sizes of clothing because you never know what drug you'll be on next and if the se's will cause loss or gain - I gave away all my dress shoes and work clothing as well as most evening wear two years ago when I was diagnosed Stage IV - I am trying to simplify my life, it makes me happy!
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simplifying ... Does feel great!
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I, too, need (and want) to clean out my closets! I've been saying "if I could just go through my stuff....." dor ever! I think most women have. Since my diagnosis I want to simplify things for myself and for my husband and kids after I'm gone.
Aoibheann, I understand 100% that some of this will suck! There are many things that I don't/can't do anymore. Setting those things aside hurts. BUT I've actually come to realize that, for me, it's better to go through all this stuff once rather than seeing it every-single-time I open my closet door!! I guess it's kind of like tearing off a bandage all at once rather than tiny, painful, bit by bit.
I have always been a "glass half full" kind of gal. It is much happier for me to face life with a positive outlook. That's why I emphasize things that I can do now rather than focus on stuff I can't do. It also helps to lift my spirits to dress nicely. If I'm wearing something pretty or that I feel attractive in I just feel better. When my closet is cramed full to the overflowing I end up wearing the same thing over and over again which doesn't help me to feel better about today. Not yesterday and what I used to be able to do or tomorrow and what I might not be able to do, but today and the good things I can do today.
Wow! Coming here ends up being like therapy for me. Who would have thought that a simple thread about such a mundane thing like cleaning out closets could help me evaluate why I've been avoiding the task and why it's so important to just get it done!! I hope my little therapy session wasn't boring for y'all!
I hope you each have a special, happy moment today.
Virginia
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Don't you just love the way that some topics take interesting twists and turns? Virginia, no, your little therapy session was not boring in the least, and I appreciate the viewpoints shared by all you others. I've been gradually letting go of my clothes. I've gone on a couple of closet purges, but still I have clothes that I love and do not wear. I often think that I might one day need or want to wear a certain outfit, or remember how much I enjoyed wearing a certain outfit in the past, so some of my clothes hang there, but without being worn. I've been eyeing a few things that will be donated, but I'm still attached to some that someone else would probably get good use from. I remind myself it's a process, and I will continue when I am ready.
What was worse for me to let go was my professional books and other literature that I had collected over 20+ years. I was able to find someone who was interested in receiving the bulk of my little library, and I sent the rest to the recycling center. It took me a week to do this, because I was overloaded with so many memories of my career and my renewed grief over having to let all of that go. I think my husband would have had a harder time getting rid of my books and such than my clothes, so I am glad that I did that--for him and for me.
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when I start to clean out stuff I recall the good memories of the item wether pictures or clothes etc.... When it starts to bring me down I walk away.
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My father died quickly and with very little notice. We were all overwhelmed but my Mom had a broken heart. Eighteen months after he died my Mom's best friend of 30+ years came to visit for a while. I was so glad for Mom because Avanel was one of the few people, besides my Dad, that Mom was truly open with. Early-on in the visit Mom told me that Avanel had decided to stay several extra days. It was years before I knew that Avie stayed because she had discovered that every stitch of Daddy's clothes were still in his closet and dresser. Avie stayed and helped my Mom get through something she simply couldn't do herself. I've always thought of that as the finest gift of a true friend. (BrendaTrue, Mom told me that Daddy' professional books were the hardest part. They represented him far more than his clothes!)
Being a Caregiver often seems harder than being a patient. Finding something I can do for my DH sometimes feels impossible. If cleaning out my closet makes those days after my death less painful for my DH, well that's the best reason of all for me!
Thanks sisters.
Virginia
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My husband would leave my stuff in the closet and then our kids would be stuck getting rid of both of our clothes! LOL! I can imagine it would be hard for some. My BFF in Houston waited well over a year before she could clean out her husband's closet. She said she could still smell him when she walked in his closet. She got some peace from that. When she was ready, she gave some things to his brothers, and donated what was left to a charity. I think I could clear clothes out immediately but would have a hard time letting go of my husband's books and personal items. Cleaning drawers and closets has always been good therapy for me. I'm working on our attic now!
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Gator...I was a size 14 at diagnosis & am now a size 10. It'd be really great if I didn't have to choose clothes around a port or flappy arm wings. When my Mom died (last of DH & my parents) of C, we went through the house (I'd grown up in) and took clothes, trinkets, decorations, etc, to a thrift store 35 miles away, so we wouldn't see people in her clothes or her yard gnomes in our small town. It was called Palouse Treasures. With each truckload taken in, we discovered the previous items had sold, so we renamed it Paula's treasures
. We had a realtor come in & just before selling furniture, kitchen stuff, etc, DH & I decided to buy it from the siblings. The house I grew up in, 4 long blocks from my DH's childhood house, in a country town of 300 people...where it really was a village. The kicker...we thought we'd retire there, work in the yard, travel, all that stuff, but we're in our apt, 5 hrs away, close to drs & chemo, thankfully close to our kids' families...but each holiday, long weekend, etc, we're there, with family gathered around. The whole time, as we move around the house where everything is in the same place it was when I grew up, I think of my husband & kids, going through these same motions without me...the same as I do w/out my mom. Sometimes I can't bear it, other times I'm happy we're creating those same memories with the grandkids. The littles even love the cemetery where we roll down the hills like I did as a kid. Yep...this is where flowery obits are the norm, where you put flowers from the Dollar Store on graves. My mom bought us plots when my dad died...so now I have to decide if that's where I want to be...ugh. Before that I have 50,000 pictures to go through...I need a lot of time. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to know all my affairs are in order...most of the time I'd rather go to the park. I LOVE this thread....0 -
Ronnie, love that you bought your childhood home and love the memories you are making for your kids and grandkids. What a wonderful move you had DH made. We were navy brats and moved around, but my grandparents home in Kentucky was what I considered home home. Unfortunately there was a fire and the house isn't there anymore. I go back with my siblings from time to time and take pictures of my papaw's barn which still stands and the old well. That place was my security blanket. I get the feeling you feel secure in your childhood home as well!
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BC has changed my life. Always wanted to lose weight but not this way. Also started out a size 12/14 now down to a 4. Can wear some of daughter's things. Got rid of the clothes that were larger than a size 8. Hoping that maybe I'll gain some weight back.Too bad I don't get much pleasure shopping for things that fit. Stamina is low so I can't do much more than look through one shop at the mall. Recently bought new linens, they were too heavy to shlep around so I had the clerk send my packages to customer pick up and drove the car over there to load up, mush better than carrying the stuff.
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chutzpah ... You have lost wayyy too much weight. Are your doctors worried at all? I can understand why carrying linens would be too heavy. Are you doing anything special to gain weight? Concerned for you! Glenna
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Glenna thanks for your concern. I am have been able to keep my weight from falling any further. Carnation breakfast has lots of calories and tastes better me than the other protein drinks. I can eat any fattening thing I want, too bad there is nothing that I really crave. Keeping busy with my daughter's wedding plans. Everything is set except for the alterations on her dress Not sure what I will keep busy with after the wedding, but will find something.
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Chutzpah, when is your daughter's wedding? My daughter got married may 17. It was a hectic 4 months of planning but I must admit, I was relieved when it was over! It was a magical day and worth the work. She just didn't give me much time and was no help at all. I would've liked a little more time!! I have enjoyed the downtime and life getting somewhat back to normal. If there is such a thing?!? I like the instant breakfast, too. And my onc actually recommended them. Always drink the ensure that helps gain weight. I have strawberry but will try the chocolate next. Strawberry didn't float my boat. Enjoy the wedding planning and the wedding. We will, of course, want to see pictures!!
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Here’s a story I found very interesting, although I must admit: I absolutely hate the expression “cancer victim.”
24-year-old cancer victim inspires after death (Nick Valencia, CNN)
It was about eight months into her fight with heart cancer that 24-year-old Maire Kent knew she was going to die. In November 2012, Kent was diagnosed with cardiac sarcoma, a rare and aggressive form of cancer. By the end of September 2013, she was gone. But it's what happened in the final weeks of her life that made her friends and family feel as if she's still around.
"I met her by chance, actually," filmmaker Keith Famie told CNN. "I went to the hospital because I was having some chest pains and we ended up having the same doctor. Our conversations took off from there." Famie happened to be working on a documentary about how people deal with the end of life. So he and Kent decided to document
the last leg of her life and her final wishes.Inspired by her favorite children's book, "Paddle to Sea," in which a boy carves a wooden boat and sets it free in the Great Lakes, Kent turned to her family and said, "I want to do that. I want to go to the ocean. Cremate me and put my ashes in a boat. I want to go from Lake Michigan to the Atlantic Ocean."
"She wanted to create a dialogue about cardiac sarcoma," her older brother Geoff Kent told CNN. "Her dream
was to be a nurse, because she loved helping people. She knew she wasn't going to live to achieve that, so this was her way of helping people after she died. We all know someone with cancer."Sarcoma is a rare type of cancer, and cardiac sarcoma even rarer, according to Dr. Monika Leja, a cardiologist in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who treated Kent, a former Army private. "It can grow from any part of the body, even connective tissues. It usually happens to very healthy, young, individuals," Leja told CNN. "A purely genetic disease that's rapid growing. It's kind of like having a ticking time bomb in your body and no one is recognizing it."
Three weeks before Kent's life ended, the plans to get her ashes to the Atlantic Ocean began. And Famie was there to document the whole thing. "It was just a little 3½-foot boat carved out of wood by a totally blind carpenter. That's what she wanted to have her ashes put in," Famie said. "The hope was that, with the help of strangers, she would have her dream come true. As it turns out, it was kind of like the Olympic torch. People wanted to be part of this journey."
An unpredictable journey that -- keeping true to the story in "Paddle to the Sea"-- would only work with the help of
people Kent never met. To encourage the support, Kent had her family write a message on the small sail of the handcrafted wooden boat: "My name is Maire. I died of cardiac sarcoma cancer. My ashes are enclosed in this boat and I am on my way to the ocean. If you find me, please send me back on my path. I'll bless you from Heaven."The boat set sail in Lake Michigan and in the weeks that followed, Kent's ashes would travel by water and over land, riding on everything from planes to trains to the sidecars of motorcycles. "Cancer is really everybody's story,"
Famie told CNN. "And Maire knew that. Once the journey started, it was incredible watching people engage the boat. It created a dialogue of life after death. We knew it would resonate with people but we had no idea it would be
this strong."People helped on a whim, like Burton Bogart, who jumped into the Erie Canal to rescue Kent's small boat, which had become stuck in the brush on the riverbank and was at risk of being lost. "So he runs down the bank of a river, takes his clothes off, swims down the canal and releases her. And people are all clapping and cheering," Famie said, remembering the scene. "But then the boat stops again, directly under this group of 40 people watching it all from a balcony above the river. And I can see this woman is really upset."
Along with Kent's written message on the boat's sail were 12 random names of people Famie had chosen from across the country who, like Kent, had died from cancer. One of the names was George Davis. "The woman turns to me and says, 'George Davis? That was my dad's name. He died 20 years ago from lung cancer,'" Famie said. "It turns out in life, chance encounters aren't so chance at all."
Before she died, Maire Kent said, "You can't really predict your own future. There's always a road that's going to pop up out of nowhere. And that's why life is a journey." On July 26, in New York harbor, her journey ended when her ashes made it to the Atlantic Ocean, just as the sun was setting.
"When Maire told me she wanted to do this, I promised her that we'd get her there. And we did," Famie said. "In
that little gleaming moment you just knew that you were doing something that was supposed to be done for somebody. It is a transcendental journey. Maire, who nobody knew, so many people will meet."(http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/29/health/cancer-victim-ashes-boat-trip/index.html?c=us&page=0)
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awesome!!!0 -
Wow!!!
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i read that once chemo is stopped cancer typically moves quickly. I am near this point ( running out of chemos) even though I am very healthy. Dh knows i am almost out of options, but he does not know how quickly I could pass . Should I tell him, (that my condition could decline quickly after stopping chemo ) or just wait and see?
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I had not heard that..Barb what is going on, tell him what?0
