A place to talk death and dying issues
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I wish I could donate my body parts to others in need, but I guess with cancer that's out. My best friend was an organ donor, and when she died, her husband received a wonderful letter describing all the people that she had blessed. Things like, "Because of your wife's generosity, a 40-year-old mother of two now has a new kidney," etc. There were about 10 people that she was able to help. Her attitude was, "I certainly won't be needing those body parts, so let 'em go to people who can!"
So maybe the other alternative is donating to science.
Brenda, I've heard of the body farm. It's fascinating, but I don't know that I could do that. Then again, I won't be using my body, so who knows?
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Glad I ran across this board. This is crazy; I haven't been able to get moving on final plans as I'm hung up on burial vs cremation. For one, I don't want to rot in the ground or anywhere, while at the same time I have this fear I will somehow be aware of a cremation & possibly feel it when it's happening. I realize this is impossible once dead, however, there's a part of me that believes it & I haven't been able to move forward because of it. I know, I'm weird.
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Raro.
Call an organ donation facility in your area. My sil died of lung cancer and donated her eyes as an organ donor.
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Syrmom,
You are not weird. Kind of in the same place. I just think it is all a struggle to think and plan, to even consider the options. That is why so many put it off, even those without a major illness
Be gentle with yourself, you will figure it out , it is a process
Nel
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I told my family that I Do Not want a Funeral! I want to be buried without being embalmed, if that's not possible they can have me cremated. The immediate family can have a private burial. For my friends they can have a Happy memorial service and bar-b-que if they want. I want them to remember the fun and silly times and stupid things I have said. I Hate Funerals and don't want to be part of one.
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On the other hand I think that there is something cathartic about a funeral for family and friends. It's a rite of passage. I remember when my folks died the organising of their respective funerals gave me something to focus on and carry me through the days immediately after death. It seemed too much to bear at the time but in retrospect the busyness and the rituals helped. People I hadn't seen for years appeared out of the woodwork and reminisced about my dad and mum and it was lovely to hear all the old and new stories. The expressions of sympathy and shared grief were draining yet it was significant and meaningful for me to see that others marked their passing with sadness too. Of course, there were also those I didn't like, those who attended out of curiosity but that was ok too.
I loathe the viewing of the corpse though. Here it is regarded as sinister if you don't have an open casket in the funeral home. Personally I don't ever want to look at the dead and I don't want to be 'on view'. I don't want my children to have to kiss me - I don't trust dh will honour my wishes as he has a macabre streak. He tried to force the guys to kiss his dead father to their horror. I didn't kiss my parents after their death but I had a row with dh as again he wanted to force the guys to kiss them. I've told dh my wishes but I don't know how to tell my 3 ds or anyone else. It's hard to bring this up as no-one wants to listen to this level of detail. I would probably have shied away from it myself until now...
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Yes, funerals are for the living. I know when I was young, before I turned 18 or so, several people I know died and I was in denial of their deaths until I saw them in the casket. So that helped me deal with the finality of it.
In the last few years, I've been to more funeral homes that don't have a viewing of a body. There are numerous photos around instead. This is often more because it costs less, but sometimes people prefer it. I hate the idea of a local funeral home getting $5,000 for a viewing when I could just be cremated and the family could have some kind of service/memorial for me. Still undecided exactly what my final wishes will be.
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Nel- so funny, the socks thing. Good for you and I agree that writing everything down, that way family at least have a starting point. Personally I love flowers so all that instead donate is very noble but I do want flowers..ha... I have written down my favorite Psalm and favorite hymn. None of my family knows of them as they are less religious. Also one thing I have not thought over as yet is what garment to be in not sure if I still fit in my wedding dress. Even though I'm divorced I love the dress. ( second marriage)SyrMom- I took out a life insurance policy to cover my funeral costs many years ago when my father passed. I did not want to burden my son w/this job. I also 14 years ago before BC I worked for a hospice so I learned ( and saw ) a lot on the subject. Think of the spirit ( soul) leaving the body shortly after death. The body is then just a shell. The only reason I see for burial would be if family strongly wanted to visit a gravesite regularly. It is more expensive than cremation by quite a bit too. Ashes can either be kept by loved one and /or scattered in a place you wish. Mine hopefully will be taken to scattered in the country side where I grew up in the UK. I have even chosen specific urns, so no debate needed by family
Macyhen- I do not think there are any funeral homes that do not embalm anymore. The body deteriorates quickly and the funeral home may not be able to do the service for several days. None of us know specifically when or how we will go- that's the scary part. You can still have a church ceremony if desired even w/cremation. Personally I do not want family viewing me afterwards- I would prefer they remember me alive and doing fun things w/them. It all comes down to your own wishes. If you live in an area where all the family attend same church or live in the area I can see how a gravesite may be beneficial for the family to visit . I have seen to many neglected and overgrown graves myself.
Lastly I will add as my experience w/hospice in the past. They have counselors who can help family deal w/all this too when that time comes.
Rene
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I too have arranged the funerals for both my parents and the cremation and grave side service for my brother. By the time of the funerals I had come to terms with their deaths and all though it still hurts my memories of them are of the Love we shared, good times and things that they have taught me. When I think of the Funerals all I can remember is the horrible sadness, people I didn't know crying and the creepy Organ music. I do want a Memorial Service, just not a Funeral. My family has agreed to only them seeing me briefly before the private grave side service. I want people to remember the spiritual, Christ Loving, fun, silly, smart mouth me, not the sick and dying me. It took me a long time to convey this to my dh and children but they have agreed to do what they can to carry out my final wishes.
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It's been mentioned before, but I wanted put the reminder here that ashes...known as "cremains" can also be buried in a cemetery. This is the option my dh and I chose, our ashes can be placed in the same plot. I prefer that to being scattered or as my son says, if he keeps my ashes on his desk, then when he's no longer alive, what are his children going to want to do with the ashes? I can understand his point.
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It is creamation for me also. I don't want my family and friends remembering me in a casket. Good times make better memories. It is much cheaper. I want my ashes to be spread over the lake close by. I really don't want any kind if ceremony but I understand many people will want/ need this. So a small celebration of life is the way I'll do it. Just having trouble figuring out where I want the celebration. Not the funeral home for sure , not my church ( I am afraid my dh and dds might think about it every time they go to church) , definately not at my house. Hmmm. Any suggestions ??
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Have you asked your dh and dd about having a life celebration at the church? Some may find that comforting to be around familiar surroundings.
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After being diagnosed with brain mets last week and beginning immediate radiation I actually gave this a lot of thought. I love that everyone here is so open and honest and appreciate all of the insight. I considered no treatment going forward but we will consider some and see where it takes us. I do like cremation so I can go to multiple places but I do want the celebration of life at our church and any place else that will work. For me, just give me a big party
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As I mentioned before, I have decided to be cremated, and initially I had thought that I would have my ashes spread at the same time that my husband's ashes would be spread (assuming he would die after I died) at a mutually agreed upon location (somewhere in the Blue Ridge Mountains). But then I started thinking about what it might be like for him to keep those ashes until he died, and even whether it would be a challenge for him to manage that if he were to remarry. So, I've been checking into different options, and here's one I like (found at http://www.thespiritree.com/): "The Spíritree is a biodegradable cinerary urn that transforms into a living memorial in the form of a tree. The two-piece container is composed of an organic bottom shell and a chemically inert, weathering ceramic cover. The bottom piece holds the cremated remains within its internal concavity, while the top part protects them from dispersion. When planted along with The Spíritree, the growing plant gradually feeds itself from the biodegradable bottom shell, and the calcium-rich cremated remains. In due time, the protective ceramic cover is broken by the growing tree, which becomes the actual living monument to the loved one’s remembrance. The Spíritree is designed to celebrate any loved one’s memory, be it human or pet, and will work with either cremated remains or remains from cryomation." The kit currently costs about $225.
I also discovered http://eternalreefs.com/about-eternal-reefs/ : "An Eternal Reefs Memorial Reef is a designed reef of 100% natural cast concrete that can include the cremated remains of a loved one and/or pets. Eternal Reefs create new marine habitats for fish and other forms of sea life.... The cremated remains are mixed into concrete to create a “Pearl”. Once the Pearl has been cast we place it aside and we add a fresh layer of concrete to the top of the Eternal Reef. The family can then personalize the top of the reef with handprints, messages etched into the damp concrete and adding small mementos like military medals and religious symbols that are not harmful to the environment. We provide an assortment of sea shells to further personalize the Eternal Reef. After allowing the Pearl to cure overnight the Eternal Reefs staff adds the Pearl to a Eternal Reef by concreting into the center of the Reef Ball. The entire Eternal Reefs process, from casting to final placement takes four days and includes four events, the casting; the viewing and the placement and dedication." You can find out more about their different options and pricing here: http://eternalreefs.com/memorial-reefs/memorial-reefs-and-pricing/
Lots to think about....
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Brenda,
I love the Spiritree idea. What a beautiful, simple memorial. I am going to explore this. Thank you!
Rose.
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Brenda - the Spiritree idea is perfect - I have dh's ashes and I've wondered what to do - that might be the ticket - thank you. S.
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Brenda.
Thank you for sharing both They are both good options for me.. I just went to a memorial service for a IBC sister, she survived 13 years with stage 4. A reminder that tho I am doing well I am aware things can turn on a dime. I need to finalize my plans.
This is so much appreciated
Nel
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Here's a story that might be interesting to some of you (as it was to me): http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve
I was particularly struck by one of the comments of the daughter of Sandy Bem, who was declining as a result of Alzheimer's and who decided to end her own life: "This is going to sound really funny, but I wouldn't have had it any other way," Emily Bem says. "It made it less like a grieving process and less like a sort of horrible thing that had happened, and more like something that made sense and felt right and actually had some joy to it in its own way."
Prior to Sandy Bem ending her own life, she and her husband invited family and friends for a gathering to honor her life. Her daughter shared: "It was just so obvious that this is about as good as it gets for a human exit," Emily says. "She was surrounded by everyone who loved her, they were telling her how and why they loved her. This was not a bad way to go."
Dr. Bill Toffler, cited in the article for his opposition to suicide for any reason, agreed that "finding a way to gather before death to memorialize life and acknowledge its end is profoundly helpful."
Living with dignity. Dying with dignity. Death with dignity. I believe each of us should have the right to decide what it means--individually, personally, taking into consideration our own values and beliefs--to live with dignity and die with dignity.
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Thanks for the thoughtful info, Brenda. I am so indecisive in what decisions to make...does this surprise me??? I can't decide where to go for dinner out!
I grew up in a huge family & death & funerals happened from as early as I have memories. I do remember my grandparents dying...Gma went first & none of the younger grandkids went to her funeral (I was 6). Gpa died 6 mos later (broken heart) and all of us went to the funeral. Why???? Because in that 6 mos, we all kept asking when Gma was coming home. Gpa died, we saw him, that was that...he wasn't coming home. In a family that was strong in faith in Jesus, we were fine with the heaven aspect
DH and I have plots...right next to my parents. His parents are up the hill...we grew up in a small town. Putting flowers on graves is what we do. Do I carry on with that "tradition"...or am I to be sprinkled in the sea, as swimming has always been where I'm most at peace? Maybe they should decide...cause I won't care.
My mom lasted 17 days from lung/liver C diagnosis. We were all with her during that time & boy, she made decisions fast! I like the answer envelope idea, I've written some things down in a journal by my bed. Sometimes I don't want to think about it...other times, it's cathartic. My onc has said that when treatment is no longer working, the end is not far away. Somehow, even that gave me peace. Glad for a place to learn about options...thank you, friends!
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my best friends mom decided to stay home and hospice came to her. In the beginning it was fine but as the side effects of Chemo came, she would have bouts of dirreaha all over the place,vomiting etc.
the family went through this for 3 months watching her not be aware from the pain meds ,then the not eating etc Believe me the Hospice people were WONDERFUL , but the ongoing stress,sadness grew and in the end we were all there around her and told her to let go , after she passed it was a relief for them.
I personally will GO to hospice as I do not want my family to suffer
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do you think I could have my ashes mixed with DH, who passed away 3 yrs ago from pancreatic cancer? We always used to joke about sharing an urn and who would be on top. I am sure it would take a larger urn, but would like it if we could be together. Wilsie
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Wilsie...I would think you could/should be with your husband in the end....that "til death do we part" can go out the window
Rosie...I didn't know you could go to hospice before others said they'd checked places out. Hospice had trained us for Mom's end at the house we grew up in, but I have little grandkids so wonder about that impact. Big disclaimer...I'm praying my grandkids will be grown when the time comes
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Last night, there was another one of those "flowery" obituaries in the paper. By that, I mean it was more of a biography than an obit. I don't care for them. Here's some of it:
"John Doe" was renowned amongst his friends and family for his cooking, taking great joy and pleasure in sharing his infamous brisket, steaks, barbeque, "dippy eggs and toast", and other specialty dishes. His love for cooking came from his mom who always prepared his favorite "Hunky" meal of cabbage rolls and city chicken on his visits home.
His sister will never forget John Doe babysitting his niece as a toddler and taking her for a ride on the handlebars of his Harley sportster or on his nephew's first visit at age 14 when John secretly took him on a tour of John's favorite watering holes.
The proudest legacies of John's life were his daughters, whose accomplishments and praises in volleyball, gymnastics, livestock shows, and academics he shared with all those he encountered.I mean, to me, it's all too much, especially when you start talking about the daughters' accomplishments. It sounds more like the family wants you to know their mother was a great cook and wants you to know how well the daughters are doing.
For me, I just want the basics, the obit can include, 'she loved flower gardening, learning new recipes, reading and traveling. It doesn't need to mention that I waited until I was in my 30s to find Mr. Right, then had trouble getting pregnant; finally did and my baby was born a preemie who eventually graduated at the top of his class, he loved his mother's barbequed ribs and cheesy potatoes and she hosted a large family Thanksgiving dinner every year where everyone raved about her stuffing.......
And of course I could go on. I feel that if you want to explain all that, have a nice little memorial pamphlet printed up and hand it out at the funeral home to those who come to pay their last respects. I think that is more appropriate than the flowery obit.
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I am with you - hate the long drawn out obits. Want mine to read - she lived , she died, she had a pretty good run. That is all folks!0 -
The "flowery" obit reminds me of the obnoxious Christmas letters - hate to offend anyone - I think the word I am looking for is "self-absorbed"!!!
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208sandy, self absorbed in death - the epitome of self centered!!!0 -
Huh. Maybe we should all write our own obits? That would certainly save our loved ones a lot of trouble. I suppose they could add to it if they needed to.
I always thought it was strange to have flowery obits except in small town papers. I mean, I get the Washington Post (which we call the Washington Compost around here) and there are long obits...what is the point, when 99% of the people who see them won't know the person?!
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A little part of me always tends to think the loved ones of the deceased are trying to compensate for something when they submit such flowery obits. Either they feel guilty for not doing enough for the deceased, or they feel insignificant and want to be known for the deceased one's accomplishments or they are trying to beef up what they consider a not-so-significant life of the deceased, something like that.
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Every family has a real or would-be writer. Many families foist the task of composing the paid obit (as opposed to the plain vanilla death notice placed by the funeral home or the news obit written by a journalist) on this unfortunate soul. Pulling out all the stops in describing the exemplary life and good works of the deceased, he/she must attempt to do wordy justice to dear Aunt Mildred for all eternity or suffer the slings and arrows of disappointed relatives.
Tina
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Tina, that makes sense, too.
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