A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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LindaE54, It does sound like you had TOO much for one day! I'm glad to hear you gave yourself a break and decided to handle one stressor at a time. I, too, hope you receive the best possible report from your scan. By the way, I had a friend who kept trying to communicate her end of life wishes (funeral and other) to a family member, who just would not tolerate the conversation. So, she put everything in writing, then sent her family member a copy, with an encouraging letter that explained why she wanted what she wanted, how she knew having these kinds of discussions was stressful but that it would give her peace of mind to know her wishes were understood, and suggesting to her family member that it was okay just to acknowledge receipt and ask any questions that might have arisen. It actually opened the door to a real conversation. I think some family members think they are giving up hope if they acknowledge the possibility of death by having such conversations. By the way, do you have an advance directive done, so that your family knows about your end of life wishes for medical care and who you want to be your health care proxy? Wishing you more peace about all that is troubling and stressful.
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Calico, I'm grateful to know that you have found all the support voiced here to be helpful. Words of yours in particular continue to resonate: "No matter what you do, you can be confident that the world will keep turning, the sun will come up every day, and your loved ones will manage when you leave the planet." There is a song that I like, one about how "life will keep on going on, with or without you," and it has been very comforting to me over the years since being diagnosed with mets and with some other life limiting illnesses afterward. The words have helped me to remember that while I am significant in the lives of my loved ones and those others that my life has touched, I am also insignificant in the midst of life, too. It reminds me that I don't have to grasp for control of as many situations as I can and that allowing myself to flow along without doing and acting and getting things right all the time is a way of letting go in a big way, a sort of practice for the end of my life. Perhaps that's not very comforting to others, but it has been to me.
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hi calicocat, I followed you here to see how you were doing. Count me in as part ofyour fan club. Your kind words to me just led me here. hope you are resting better without the chemo and WBR effects are diminishing.
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Welcome, letranger!!! I've found so much support here. It's like a full-body mega-hug! So good to see you!
xoxoooxoxoxo
Calico
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I've been lurking. Calico wishing you peace. It seems like you found it. I hope to be as confident as you are when my time comes.
I've made my final arrangements, including letters to my children but not paid for. I've just left a file folder for my family as they can't handle it either. Obit and pix only thing left.
One question, what are you going to do about your online presence? Can you do anything? Not sure my family needs to find all my heartache and fears.
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Brenda - Yes, I have advance directives, signed and sealed with a notary. My sister and niece are the named ones on that. That's how it's done in Quebec. My will is done as well. I like your suggestion of a letter as well. Scan went well, in and out of hospital in 1/2 hour. It may take a few days to get the results but I plan to stay busy.
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Hi, zilsnot,maybe ask the mods? Does your family know your screen name?
xoxoooxoxoxo
Calico
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Much love and peace to you Calico. I think you are very brave to make this decision, and I hope it will do as well when my time comes. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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I am hoping that if I die, my much loved man will come and find me here. He knows I am here ALOT!!! And that it would help him miss me less at first. Because how I am here, might comfort him. I hope, anyway. I had also taken pictures before the ravages of chemo and surgery, so... we live together for 15 years, and he knows where to find all my important papers and stuff, I have fixed my financials and accounts so he has access to them, and I will give him instructions about how to close me out! officially, in the real world, because I learned a lot by being my friends' caretaker, executor, and everything for her, it was an honor. Even tho i am only stage 3c, with so many nodes I think about this a lot, and I thank each of you, and think of each of you, every day and wish you all the very best. I have learned so much from you.
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Calico, u know as well as i do just bc u made the decision means nothing. The clock doesnt stop ticketing, u just took control over your life away from cancer. I made the decision july 20, 2014 to stop all treatment as u know bc the QOL sucked. So now i can make plans, go places n do what i want i couldnt do b4. I went on hospice in May, n again means nothing, bc i am still in Fla For almost a month, a dream fulfilled, knowing i probably will never b back.
We make decisions individually based on certain criteria for each of us. Not everyone will agree, but they dont have to.
I adore u and we will walk together, hand in hand, i know u r by my side n know exactly where i come from.
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Blondie! Our stalwart friend and Way Shower! So good to see you again, and sooooooo glad your trip was a success and fulfillment of a long-held dream.
Saw my onc today and he said he'd make the same decision if he were in my shoes. It's a relief to not be pulled this way and that. He's setting up hospice for me, but emphasized he was not stepping out of the picture and would see me through to the end. I could have kissed his feet.
I wish I could conjure up a good woman for my DH. He's 77 and someone will need to help him at some point. He's so worth it.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Calico
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calicocat, thinking of you! That's so sweet what you wrote about your husband. Are you feeling any better in terms of your SEs?
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Hi Blondie - glad you made that trip!
Calico - how thoughtful of you. I hope my BF finds someone who's right for him when I'm gone. I want him to be happy.
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Has any of you thought about setting up a fund? In the community I live in they have a Community Foundation. They manage Scholarship funds, among other things. I am going to set one up, that when I pass, people can donate in my honor. A % of my life insurance will go to it also. (My kids will get my 401k for school)... Anyhow...I can decide how I want it set up. It will distribute scholarships each year to one graduating HS senior once it is fully funded.
I would like to prepay for my expenses also. I don't really want a funeral home involved if possible.
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I admire all of you women for being able to be so strong. I have not been able to even remotely accept the idea of my husband getting remarried yet. I am sad that I probably won't see my son get married and have children. I just hope that I can be more positive as time passes, as I am new to this whole Stage IV thing.
Fitztwins- I think the scholarship is a great idea.
Prayers for everyone dealing with all of these tough decisions.
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Does anyone else experience occasional upsets about dying while the world keeps turning. I never had children and have only a few friends so what contribution have I made? I had one of those moments today. Ugh. Fear always accompanies such thoughts. I think, basically, I'm ok as long as I have faith that it is a new beginning and not just an end.
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dunesleeper- I do have a 19 year old son, but I absolutely relate to what you are saying. I go to work every day, I come home and I think I should be living it up, but unfortunately, that isn't financially possible right now. I am so sorry you feel this way. I know it is difficult to process. I have to think of it as a new beginning as well. Otherwise, we drive ourselves crazy with the what-ifs. A lady on one of the other threads on here discussed starting a scholarship in her name. That might be something to look into. I thought it seemed like a good idea. I am sure you have made an impact on many people. People don't often feel comfortable expressing what you mean to them, but I am certain you have many people who need and love you.
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Thank you hopeful. I hope I will have money to help at least one young lady get through a private high school. Or maybe a year of college. Also I think I need to do better at living day by day and not get ahead of myself. I will try to sleep now.
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dunesleeper, you HAVE made a contribution! You don't know the lives you have touched already. We all do. You don't need a lot of friends or children to validate that. I know you mentioned it was a momentary upset, and I do relate. Perhaps you are over this and feeling more positive, but I wanted to respond. And Inoticed you have over 1800 posts on this site. Imagine all the people you have helped and made a difference to. We are all holding hands through this. Sleep well.
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Yes, letranger, let's all hold hands and sleep well.It's a good plan.
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Angels. I would like to talk about angels. What do some of you think about angels? Do you think they exist? My girlfriend's father molested her throughout her young life, messing up her early life significantly (although she got it together and is doing very well except for having to deal with alcoholism). When he died, he saw angels in the room. If he can see angels as he is about to pass out of this existence, darn it, I want to see angels. It would be such a comfort to see angels. Don't you think?
I also imagine who I might meet up with. Will I see my bff? She beat me there. Will I see my grandmother and be permitted to apologize for the way I treated her at the end of her days. (I was 15 and a total brat.)
I need something to turn my mind to when I go through my frightened times. I guess I have about a week each month, not necessarily consecutive days, when I become afraid.
Would anyone else like to discuss this?
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I ponder the comments made and questions raised on this and other threads, but don't always respond right away. I feel some matters brought up deserve contemplation, not just an instant response.
Hopeful, my advice would be to stop thinking about whether your husband would remarry or not. Just be present in the relationship now, each day. You do not have to 'accept' anything, I would try not to go there with your thoughts. You are right in that you are very new to the stage iv diagnosis. Try to take things one day at a time, live the fullness of one day, then move on to the next. Reign in those thoughts about the far away future. Focus on here and now.
Dune, yes, I have grappled with the thoughts about what kind of contribution have I made. How parts of my life I feel like I wasted. Didn't reach my potential. Spent too much time on what I feel now was meaningless, ect. There's nothing I can do about that now.
These days, social media continually highlights 15 minutes of fame for so many people, but I don't think we all have to make huge contributions that get recognized by the masses. I feel more like being kind and forgiving on a daily basis, finding pleasure in simple things and being true to myself equal a good enough life. I am learning that I don't have to live large nor is it my purpose in life to make some huge indelible mark on society. I don't have to prove my worth to anyone. It's okay to just be.
Your angel question is now one that I will be thinking about...0 -
Dune, I believe in angels! Some are on Earth and some come from Heaven to help cross us over. As a nurse, I have seen many people take their last breath. They will often call out and speak to their mother, father, or someone who has passed before them. They mention seeing loved ones up in the corner of the room. One patient said "wow!" Just before passing and one said " oh my God it's so beautiful ". So I believe
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Dune,
My 69 year old mother died of cancer two months ago. The day before she died she was in a semi-comatose state and wasn't able to communicate much (if at all). Suddenly, that afternoon, she spoke out clearly in a happy, excited voice, "Hi Mom! Hi Dad!" while looking across the room. Her parents had died years earlier, and we were comforted by the thought that perhaps they were there to welcome their daughter as she crossed over. My mom rested comfortably for the rest of the day and night without speaking and passed away peacefully early the next morning. I was never a big believer of angels and death visions, but my experiences with my mom have changed my perspective.
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Dune - I believe in angels. I talk to them whenever I need to, and many times I felt that they "responded". And I believe there is something else when we leave our body. My father who absolutely did not believe in something after death, said his mother was there helping him in his last days. That's my personal belief for what it's worth of course.
Divine - I agree with you, simple pleasures, kind and forgiving.
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Thank you for all your comments. They really made me smile.
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I had a recent experience (two weeks ago) with my 95 year old mother who died in my home after living with me for 8 years. Her last few days she was pretty unresponsive. I went in to check on her one time a day or two before she died, and she opened her eyes - said "George!" and she had the most beautiful smile on her face. George was my dad who died 8 years ago - and it was if she was both totally surprise and utterly delighted to be with him again.
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Calico - Thinking about you and wondering how you are?
Blondie - Are you home yet?
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I've been wondering about you too, calicocat.
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Hi, sweet sisters, it's been a tough week and taken me time to wrap my mind around it.
On Monday my DH and I met with the onc again, and again agreed I should stop treatment. My onc said he would be with me to the end, and set the wheels in motion for me to start hospice. On Wednesday, a hospice nurse and hospice social worker came to our home and met with us, and arranged to have oxygen delivered for when I would need it. Friday, the nurse delivered all the meds she wants me to use when needed, including a box of morphine. I cried seeing the morphine with my name on it. It's something I never wanted to see.
I notified my two sisters by e-mail, and put the word out on the local friend grapevine. I would much rather my local friends tell others than for me to have to do it. I wrote cards to 2 friends and my ex-SIL because that was easiest for me. It just felt too much for me to get into extended conversations with them about it.
I always told my DH that it was entirely up to him whether to have a service for me or not, and I thought he would prefer not to. I told the gal I think of as my spiritual advisor about this, and she said she's worked with others to put together service plans in advance which could be used or not. I mentioned this to my DH and he said he'd very much like for me to do that with her. This surprised me. One would think after 34 years I would have known what he wanted, but we've never been through this before.
I was very grateful when my DH said he would contact the Neptune Society about picking up my remains and cremation.
I feel fine except for bad SOB and extreme sleepiness.
So that's the long and short of it.
Thank you for being there!!!!
Love,
Calico
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