A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Hortense,
Of course you're welcome!! I wish the circumstances were different, but this is such a warm, supportive group... I hope you find comfort here.
With love,
Rose.
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Thank you so much ladies. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
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Hortense, I saw your post and although I have no words of wisdom for your situation, i just had to respond. I "know" you from the cold cap forum and I have seen some of your other posts where you have so wisely and graciously figuratively held the hand of others on these boards who were facing death. I have always been touched by your posts- you have such a warm wonderful way of writing. I hope you find the same support here that you have given others.
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Hortense, it's nice you've been able to find support here. It makes sense that we share similar experiences with a stage iv diagnosis regardless of type of cancer and my compassion crosses over to anyone dealing with stage iv. Wishing you all the best as you make the most of your time in whatever ways are meaningful and important to you.
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Hortense, I'm so sorry that you have been given such a diagnosis. My Father and Aunt both died of Pancreatic Cancer. I'm doing what you're doing but find I start and get tired. So now I've left a bigger mess that needs to be put back in order. With my family they like that we spend time together and just be. Yesterday my eldest daughter just sat with me all day because I couldn't move from bed. We talked about her life and things she was interested in, she made me tea and we both took a deep breath and a aww as we took a sip from our tea cups and realized we are so much alike in so many ways. Then we watched a movie, at times there was no talking as she was on her phone texting. It was nice just being. So many women here have given me insight and strength on how to handle the future and making important decisions. Welcome with much love and understanding.
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Hortense, of course you are welcome here! So very sorry for your dx. Lot of love and hugs coming your way.
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Hortense, I am so sorry that you are having to face this. Stay with us please
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Hello Hortense,
When I was initially diagnosed stage III in Nov 2012, a very dear dear friend took me to a number of my medical appointments. He called me one year ago to tell me that he had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage IV. I found out that my breast cancer had spread and thus stage IV in January 2015. Life certainly gives us challenges, doesn't it?
My friend was given the same treatment options that you have been given and I sat with him and discussed quality of life vrs aggressive treatment. Such difficult personal choices!
These discussion boards have been so important to me during the last three years. I am mostly a "lurker" but want you to know that I so admire and appreciate the women who have been so active on these boards. This thread is so important to so many and your post spoke to many issues that I have faced. I try to clean out a drawer every single day, but do not always succeed!
Please feel free to pm me about my friend's choices.
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Hortense
We are all in this together. Post and talk about your thoughts, experiences and feelings. We support each other no matter what.
Diana
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Hi, Hortense, let me join in the chorus that you are welcome here. I'm sorry to meet under these circumstances, but know you will find comfort here.
xoxoxoxxoxo
Calico
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Hortense,
Without a doubt, you are welcome here. I regret for your sake that advanced pancreatic Cancer has led you to this topic, but I suspect that you'll benefit from all the wisdom and support that is woven throughout the pages and pages of responses. As you live day by day, I hope you are kind and gentle with yourself as you clarify your priorities and sort through issues and decisions that are important to you. And I hope you find peace of mind and heart along the way.
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Hi, Calico, just thinking about you, Blondie, rosevalley, M360, steelrose, Linda, dunesleeper, DivineMrsM, and all the other fine folks who visit here. Sending hope for comfort, loving care, clarity, and moments of beauty each and every day.
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Hortense,
First, let me say that I am so sorry for your diagnosis. You mentioned that you need help to plan for dying. Any stage IV cancer brings along with it an immeasurable amount of questions in planning for the end of life. Another member, Bon_, composed a comprehensive list of things to guide us when making these decisions. It's right here on this thread beginning at page 25. I hope you will find it helpful ... I printed it out for myself and refer to it frequently. I'm sending you hugs along with peace in your days ahead.
Diane
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Hi, Brendatrue and all. Because of my DH, I was able to see my family in LA for 3 days. He helped to keep me in a vertical position when all I wanted to do was sleep and drove me on the 10 hour round-tip drive. No way I could have pulled that off.
I've stopped treatment and am in the hospice program. The only difference I've noticed is extreme sleepiness, but is that the residual from the whole brain radiation? Don't think I'll ever know.
Anyway, thank you for checking, and hope things are going well for you.
xoxoxoooxoxox
Calico
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DC197 - Thank you. I will go to page 25 right away.
Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. I was surprised and am very grateful. I feel at home here.
There is so much to do each day and I am trying to get as much down as possible while I have the energy. I can definitely feel a difference in the past three weeks as I am slowing down a bit. For a while now, months before being diagnosed, I had noticed that when dealing with a difficult problem I would get the strangest feeling that it no longer mattered and that I could simply drift away if I wanted to. Odd isn't it? I think my body knew it was terribly sick long before any symptoms appeared.
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OMG ! As the kids say. What an extraordinary and wonderful list there is on page 25 ! Thank you so much for directing me there. I certainly have a lot to do to get ready to die, a lot more than I had thought about. Goodness. Thank you again.
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Hortense,
Some of what was listed on page 25 and other places throughout this topic may not apply to you, and you may find that some of the suggestions made are just not things you would want to do. For example, my local funeral home and many others in my state have staff who help our family members with managing all kinds of forms after we die. I still think it's fine and helpful to plan one's own final arrangements, but if meeting with funeral home or crematory staff is not something you'd want to do, you can always just write your preferences for whoever will be in charge of handling such matters when you die. In assisting my mother with settling my father's estate and planning for her estate as well as planning for my own estate, I discovered that going the probate route has many protections. My mother avoided probate but there were all sorts of complications that arose from that decision that took days and days of precious time and energy to manage. I also discovered that banks often offer suggestions on how to deal with various accounts of someone who is expected to die and that those suggestions often don't fit the overall goals of estate planning or take into consideration various legal matters. I found the following guide to be helpful, although it does not apply to my state. http://druidnetwork.org/files/namerica/nea/Death_a...
You may want to consider preparing for death as a balancing act, one that also allows you to be with loved ones and that allows them to have a voice in what they might find most helpful. I know more than a few people who have become so consumed by the "business" of preparing for death that they lose touch with the joy of living each and every precious day remaining. It's entirely possible your family would find helping you to protect your energy by taking responsibility for many tasks to be less burdensome than you might expect and a way of expanding time available to spend with them making memories that will last them their lifetime. I know at times I've thought that doing something in particular would help my husband only to discover that I was wrong. This is a time when clear communication about how to spend remaining time together is critical!
Hoping you aren't feeling overwhelmed and that you are enjoying beauty and joy in this day.
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Hortense, welcome and sorry, all at the same time. It's such a shock to be told to put your affairs in order!
You should spend the next months doing what makes you happy. If putting things in order makes you happy fine. If it just causes stress, let someone else do it. If spending time with your family makes you happy, or sitting and watching the birds fly, or going to Las Vegas, do that instead.
Calico, thinking of you and hoping you are having a great day.
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Ell said...
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Hi, Hortense, right now I'm working on putting together my Celebration of Life which may or may not be used. I'd left having a ceremony up to DH and now he says he wants one. I have a spiritual guide and she'll give me good feed back. I want it "in the can" as soon as possible so I can think about other more peaceful things.
The weekend trip to see family was very trying. I was so pooped on Monday, that all I could was sleep on Tuesday.
There are many people wanting to come visit. I don't think they realize my level of fatigue.
So I get to play not only the "C" card, the the "H" card as well.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Calico
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Calico...that was a huge endeavor for you & a true act of love by DH. I hope your visit gave you peace...and that you very soon have that precious time, with all planning "in the can"
to truly focus on the things/thoughts/sounds/smells/tastes/feelings...everything that brings you peace. I wish I could put my arms around you, to thank you for being a friend, to tell you you are brave beyond words & that you are part of this family that will be with us forever. Sending my love.0 -
Calico
You r so brave. I want them too do something if they want. I an going to the funeral home to talk to them., soon, but want someone to go with me. I have no money so a viewing and funeral is out of the question. Ii dont want to b at the celebration. To painful for me, i feel so guilty leaving the twins as it is tuo finish raising themselves n nobody will help.
Nurse came today they come twice a week she said she is going to bump it up to 3x.
This dying thing sucks, i am so lonely, feel so alone. Kknowjng i am not fdone yet but dont have a choice. Are u ever prepared. N my kids the older ones r going to fel so guilty thst they didnt spent enough time with me. waiting to die sucks stinks. Just hanging in the house is nothing, i just want to take a ride, go mout in public, go to the mall something.
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Crap, Blondie!!! I wish I was there, WE would go to the mall!!! We would jump in the ocean and laugh! I have been thinking of you, lost my phone! Found it. I would take u to my girl so she could color our hair wildly, then we would have something scrumptious to eat! We would have fun.
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Lol thanks sweetie u alaays make me smile hahaha
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Oh Blondie, I too wish I could do something special with you. Like spending an afternoon on the beach and going for cheese cake after or would you care for something else LOL? Love you and sending you big virtual hugs.
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Nah cheese cake works 4 me. My daughter bought me one but one of the twins ate it, i had 1 piece, he said i told him to eat it. Whadtever thanks
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Oh Blondie! I am truly sad that you are in this situation. Aren't there services for people who need help getting around but who really need to get out once in a while? Are you still in FL or back to PA? Are you in touch with a social worker who can hook you up. There are people in my church who take people places and even bring them communion. I'd love to be able to take a part in getting you out for some fun and to get your mind off of waiting to die, as much as that is possible. I send you a hug and I pray hard that God treat you well.
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Hi, Blondie, Ronnie Kay and all! Is there a social worker on your hospice team, Blondie? There is on mine. Ask about that., They should be able to get you hooked up with some out-of-the-house time and companionship.
I am moving at a snail's pace on putting together the Celebration of Life. First of all, it's not like my life has been that interesting! It's not the easiest topic in the world, and every time I try to work on it, I quickly fall asleep! Hey, it it puts ME to sleep, how about the poor suffering souls who will be there listening to it!
Blondie, I sent you that thing I'm mailing to you yesterday. Hopefully, you'll have it by Monday. It wanted to be with you. Let me know when you get it and I'll tell you it's story.
xoxoxoxox!!! and love you all!!!!!!!!!
Calico
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I got it thank u so much, yesterday. Can u tell me about u r hospice team, who is on it, do u like them ,etc
I am at home in my home, i will speak to them. I just asked michael to go get milk, we will see.
i ahave been restting all day, think i will attempt dinner, have to cook the chicken
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Calico, you are so funny. However, I bet it really is hard to write your celebration of life. I've had a boring life too. The only part of it that I found interesting was riding motorcycles. I will be having a Mass because that is what will give my mother the greatest comfort. Nevertheless, I should pick out some hymns I like and prayer for the prayer card.
Hi Blondie. I hope you had a good day.
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