Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Thanks for the thoughts regarding dating! I have to be honest l am not sure if I will ever again. It seems too much hassle. Perhaps I just cannot compromise? My last one complained bitterly, that being on a bus coming to see me, made him feel nauseous! . I had just had a gynae op, this shortly after an mx..... So I binned him.. I mean really??
Tonight, my boy's 21 and 17 told me of their plans for the summer with their dad, and his girlfriend and her kids. It made me feel bad and excluded.I felt like I am not the boy's mother somehow. Here I am with a multitude of health problems, thin hair, weightier, no family as my 2 sisters and mother got weird when they heard of my cancer dx... I suddenly felt so very alone.
I am still so angry after 20 years of raising the kids almost single handed, I have been left with so little and he has so much, his health, money, a great career, holidays and money to spend on the kids, restaurants, hotels and his status. I have none of that.
Oh dear, is this a pity party or what??
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WinterSocks - I am so sorry...life can suck. I was once in your shoes (but not sick)...until I met my current husband. He was worth all the emotional and financial suffering I had to endure. My youngest (I have 4) was 6 months old when he left. Don't give up. This, too, shall pass.
Promise.
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Wintersocks- you have every right to feel loss. And this is the place to let it out. It seems like what he didn't take from you, cancer did! I can certainly imagine your feelings of being a bit left out this summer.
I'm no shrink, but for me I think the trick has been to find new things that are about ME and that nobody can take away. Ever. They don't have to be things that cost a lot of money. It might be more along the lines of who you were and what you were about as a girl, before you had to bend yourself into a pretzel as a wife and mother. Just being a woman means we always give more of ourselves up. That's not all bad as there are huge rewards to be gained from motherhood, and sometimes, haha, as a spouse.
I don't know if I am making sense. But I wanted to reach out, send you a nice hug, one that you can KEEP, and let you know you can carry on with your party. Everyone needs one once in awhile.
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Life is just so unfair sometimes. I have to kind of throw my hands up and hope that somehow, some way, people like your husband will learn. It is interesting how this sometimes does happen.
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wintersocks, I am so sorry your ex seems to have gotten all the good stuff in life while you got the short end of the stick. I don't blame you for being angry. I have my own resentments over the way life has turned out. Not quite to the extent of yours, but I hear where you're coming from. Feeling excluded from your boys' lives must be especially hurtful. I think that the time and effort you spent raising them will show good results in the long run though. Especially as they get older, I bet they'll really come to appreciate you. In the meantime, maybe you can get them to schedule some time to spend with you. And I hope your mother and sisters come to their senses! I like Jackbirdie's idea about finding things to do that are all about you. Indulge an interest even if it's just getting some books from the library. Or if you have the energy, signing up for some volunteer work that interests you and does some good in the world. That always makes me feel better. {{{hugs}}} We get it, and we're here for you!
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winter, I too feel bad for your pain & am positive in the long run your influence will gain results with your adult kids. The siblings...I have no great advice.
For me, I feel I am climbing out of my rabbit hole. I have had a few challenges I am trying to conquer. I Ann guessing less gracefully than I would like to see myself.
May 20th is the 30th anniversary of my friend being murdered by her father. We' were in Jr high when it happened, and he had been sexually abusing her. I had to testify at his trial. He is still in prison. Every year I grieve and I still struggle to make sense of it.
My husband and I have been arguing a lot. Not big issues, I think just stress spillover.
I have a investigatory meeting at work on Tuesday because I am accused of being rude. It is hard to explain, but basically the complainant was continually trying to tell me how to handle a simple process she has no business involving herself in, and after I asked her to please stop I was very direct telling her not to "problem solve me." I have had a parallel career to this woman for over 20 years, but I have always been ahead of her. Pure jealousy. I know if my anger was in better check I would not have this issue. On the other hand (string of curses) why do I have to continue to be nice to this person?
Garr.
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Smart, you have a load of challenges at the moment too. I'm so sorry about your friend. What an awful anniversary to face every year, and to have gone through that trauma at such a vulnerable age must have been terrible. I'm glad the murderer is still in prison and hope he stays there for life. I can relate to the temper management issues. I'm more irritable than I used to be too. I hope your investigative meeting goes ok. We have the right to be human even at work. Your coworker sounds like a royal PITA.
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Wintersocks, just wanted to say this .. I have a strong feeling your boys will come back to you. Having been divorced and going through some of what you have, I can relate to how you must feel. I didn't have a cancer diagnosis at the time, though! And about family acting all weird, that must hurt a lot. SO many wonderful ladies are here for you and I really need to check in more often.
Jackbirdie, wise words. I feel like I have lost a lot of myself through the years. I can look back on older pictures of myself and wonder who that young girl and woman was. It was like a different world. But I can still remember why I had a genuine smile that wasn't forced. I hadn't lost myself yet.
If I can ever get past my current aches and pains, worry, hot flashes and adapting to these new anti-hormonal pills they have me on, I hope to find a little of myself again. I know I will never feel like before and things will never be like before. But I still matter. WE all matter!
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I'm so sorry, Smart. Geez, how awful. My husband and I have been snipping lately, too. It's all the stress. I have to remind him that I am the one who lacks estrogen now, which is doing a number on my nerves. He still doesn't get it, though.
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When a nurse called me to tell me I had cancer she said, "learn as much as you can but don't learn so much that you freek yourself out."She also said, "everyone is going to want to tell you a story about themself or someone else." She said, "tell them right off the bat if it's not a good story or a successful story I don't want to hear it. I only listen to the good ones." I thought this was really good advise because this is a long and hard process to go thru and a big part of the healing process is the way we are with ourselves in staying positive. I have been diagnosed with stage two cancer right beast. Still going thru, my surgery is June 1 and I must admit this is all I think about, it is almost like my world stopped to take care of this. I am up and down like in a serious storm. Some days I see the lighthouse and some days the swells and waves are so big that it is almost all I can see. When I fIrst found out about my diagnose I asked God what was going on and he instantly told me in my spirit this, that I was in a storm and to stay focused and keep my eyes on Him and that I would be ok. He is our peace and when Jesus said peace I leave with you he gave it as a gift. Then he gave the keys to peace that we can hold on to he said, "let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid". I know easier said then done but when I do that I sm in peace. So with all that the only way to hang on to peace is to stay away from the negative talk. I think part of the big waves for me is the talk. I don't think people realize how fragile we really are. I think you were right in asking your friend not to be there. I was talking to a nurse about my surgery coming up here and I said to her "you sure find out who your real friends are". Hang in there coming here I think is going to help me too because we're all going thru the same thing and there's strength in numbers.
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Dear Skoonie- your post touched me. I think your description of the storm was very apt. It reminded me of something beautiful and positive and I thought I would share.
Here is your lighthouse:
Cape Blanco lighthouse, March 2015
Wishing you all the best for your surgery next week and a smooth recovery
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Dear Friends,
Thank you all so much for your lovely thoughts. I do think about what each and everyone says, and try to take it forward when things feel bleak. I actually wrote a little response to you all , but it floated off
and might be on Mars by now! I really do feel cared for and understood when I come here. It's lovely.I am feeling a little better about the situation with the kids and know there is not much I can do really, but in my heart I know they have a dim view of their Dad.
This is my week~ 6 month check with Surgeon (bit scared), gynae, and little lump to be removed and biopsied from the recon on Fri by PS, so that's three hospital appts on three different days. at three different hospitals.
Sigh.... .
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Thanks Jackie for the lighthouse it means more then you know. Things like that can carry a person thru a long way. I know I will use that for years to come. 😊 hugs
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Wintersocks, good luck with all the appointments this week. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how you make out.
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I haven't been here in a while, so I am catching back up tonight. I really appreciate everyone's posts; it's nice to have a place to go to where people understand. This morning I had another pity party, I don't feel like a woman anymore. Hubby is so wonderful but he's getting so tired of hearing it. I did start on an antidepressant a while back and that really helps my mood but it doesn't change my thoughts. It's just nice to know that you ladies understand. I guess now that the battle through treatment is over, the permanence has settled in. (((HUGS))) to all of us!
Martha
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I can really relate to this thread. Two years out from two cancers and I'm still num, more so than during treatment. Just went on an anti-depressant prescribed by my primary. I didn't ask for it but he had the wisdom to see how I was doing. Helps tremendously so I'm grateful. I'm going for a thyroid biopsy on Wednesday. Hopefully, the bad news stops here.
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Rhody, good to hear from you. Yeah, I think it's the permanence thing. This is as good as it gets from now on out.
Lucy, I'm so sorry you need a thyroid biopsy and so agree that the bad news needs to stop. Sending prayers, positive energy, whatever might help that you'll be calm for the biopsy and that the results will be benign. No.more.cancer.
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OK time to stop the pity party and appreciate being alive. One of the ladies from the original thread I joined (May 2013 surgeries) lost her fight yesterday. May she rest in peace, so sad. But we are here and alive, and hopefully healthy! (((HUGS))) to everyone fighting this battle!
Martha
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I am sorry that she died, truly.
With all due respect, this is not a pity party here. It is a difficult road and this is a safe place to share and really be heard/understood.
A place to heal really... ((hugs)) back to you Martha.
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Thanks Purl! I know what you mean about this being a safe place to share and be understood. So many don't because they don't understand. My husband has been my rock and my support, but I'm sure he gets tired of hearing it. "You need to get over it." I'm so glad to have a place where I can let it out and know that others get it. Some people, in an effort to be kind say things like "breasts are not important, they are just fat," because they don't get it. The world keeps marching on and others don't think about it and that's okay.
Thanks for listening!
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Oh no 6 month check tomorrow. Feeling anxious.
Nice to hear from you Purl, I hope you are doing ok.
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Winter was thinking of you today.....why not look at flights for when your sons are away and come here? Hope tomo goes ok..............
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Winter
I dont have have children so I see motherhood and all a bit differently than some . Your boys have not abandoned you. They are young and their fathers lifestyle is seductive. Illness, struggling sadness is just too much reality for kids. They are adults in training but not adults yet so Material things win out over everything....for awhile. Then the boys mature, they understand more, they know more, they see and they then begin to be the men you raised.
Hang in there, its gonna be alright.
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Ok friends,
This is the place where we can be real, honest and truthful. No judgement..right?
I have been tossing around the idea of going to a cosmetic surgeon. When I see my breasts I feel two extreme polar opposite feelings. Extreme gratitude that I still have breasts and extreme sadness that I lost what they looked like. I had perfect breasts, and I have pics to proof it so when I see what i have now I feel sad.
So, I think about a cosmetic surgeon but thats when the demons enter. A real big part of me does not believe that is is over. I already had another surgery (Feb 2015) happily no cancer. I will have the pain and expense of cosmetic repair to only have more surgery in the future. I cant bear the thought of more probing and poking but trying to accept this new look is harder than I thought.
This is shitty.
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I did not have reconstruction. but i never had perfect breasts. My hope is for no more surgery...ever! Just health. For all of us.
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Raider Girl...I had breast Augumentation done 10 months prior to my dx....I'm still so angry. (When will I stop being angry...who knows???) I can say though now that there is a HUGE difference between a cosmetic surgeon and a breast surgeon...and in Canada there is a really big gap between paying for cosmetic surgery as opposed to having a PS that is getting paid by our healthcare system. All breast reconstruction is covered for me and it's illegal for a PS to be privately paid for any type of reconstruction. I have now been on both sides....the PS I saw said my lx scar "was not that bad".... Really??? I had perfection for a full 10 months...and I want it back. No one should be judged for wanting what they had ...or something even better than they had originally...I hope you get the boobs of your dreams!!!
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winter, good luck with your check up tomorrow.
Raidergirl, don't be too hard on yourself. If you believe it will make you feel better, I think exploring the option makes sense. Ultimately you may choose not to go through with it, but I think we are all searching for ways to feel like we are still precancer selves. Good luck.
I went to a young cancer survivor's group meeting last night. They have met a few times, but last night was my first meeting. It was OK, nice women. Amazing the differences in treatments and philosophies of medical teams.
I also had my investigative interview for work yesterday. It was dumb & made me angry. I was proud of myself for not crying. I am usually not a crier, but I almost broke down when I mentioned I had been extremely physically uncomfortable when I was at the training where the whole thing happened. I feel so sad & angry when I think of how they have treated me through this whole cancer experience. My boss at one point early on told me he would help with a bake sale if he had too...how about you let me just work my job ? Jerk. I am also mad at myself for not just keeping my mouth shut.
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Smart - glad you got through the investigative interview. Same advice you gave RG - don't be hard on yourself - keep feeling proud of yourself!!!!
Winter - also sending good vibes your way for your checkup!
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Good luck Winter!
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OMG, I just said the same exact words to my husband! I felt so strong and ready, now nothing. Scared, weak, no motivation at all.....0
