Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Rhody, I'm sorry about your friend from the other thread. I don't think any of us can just "get over" this though. I get the feeling that my RO thinks I should just suck it up and be happy I'm alive. Well, I've got news for anybody who's never been depressed. There are things worse than death. We feel what we feel. With luck and work and God's grace, I hope we can all heal in all senses of the word and move on eventually, but it takes as long as it takes.
Winter, good luck with your checkup. I kind of envy you. The only reason I see the MO every 6 months is for blood work to check on my lymphoma not for anything having to do with bc. He said if I didn't have lymphoma, he'd only see me once a year. No tests of any sort for bc. Just sit around and wait to see if symptoms appear. If they do, I'll be stage IV. I'd rather have a scan now and then even if they are stressful. I hope you can take a deep breath or two and relax a bit. And I hope the checkup finds no issues whatsoever.
Raider, if you want reconstruction, you go for it. I totally get where you're coming from. I had perfect breasts too at least in my opinion. They weren't big, but they were shaped really nicely and were proportional to my frame. They were the one part of my body I never had any complaints about. So guess which part of my body gets lopped off? Even so, I thought I might be ok being flat since I never was a girly girl. Boy was I wrong. I hated it. I hated my body. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of it. So I'm in the middle of doing recon even though I won't end up with anything near as perfect as what I had. (Thank you very much, radiation therapy and the LD flap you made necessary.) I won't look all that great naked even when I'm done because of the scars and flap of skin they had to transplant from my back, but at least I'll look normal in clothes. That's an improvement. So do what you need to do to feel good about yourself, Raider.
Smart, I'm glad that interview is over. What did they decide? Surely, they have enough smarts to see what was going on. I'd probably not have been able to keep my mouth shut either so don't be hard on yourself for that. At some point, something has to give. Hang in there.
I had a long phone call today with the priest at the church where my mother's memorial service will be held next month. I'm feeling a bit low.
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Raidergirl - I had perfect breasts too. At least, in my opinion. Their wonderfulness may have been in my head, but I loved them dearly and felt pretty lucky that I'd had it so good for so long. After my lumpectomies their shape changed and it was really upsetting. Of course, I was grateful that the cancer was gone but when that dust settled, I really missed my old shape. Then I had the DIEP and they got even further form my original perfect boobs, but by then I knew I'd done what was necessary.
My point is - ALL feelings about recovery - physical, mental, cosmetic, are valid. And everybody's recipe for feeing good and whole is as important and relevant as someone else's recipe. So often on this thread I've heard women say ' I feel so shallow for thinking this '. But the way you feel is the way you feel. In the world of cancer we deal so much with the urgency of treatment, and feel guilty with wanting to feel/look good in addition to being healthy.
So many issues are surprisingly harder than we think. And some are easier - but nothing is what we expect. I had to get talked into getting nipples (by my PS) and I really couldn't have cared less. My old nipples were also perfect - and if I couldn't have them back I didn't want any. But I got them - and was surprised by how thrilled I was to see something there.
You have to decide what's right for you. No guilt, no shame, and in spite of the fear. (My new favourite problem solving game is this: Imagine what your 60 year old self would say to your current self is asked for advise.)
And by the way - my other best feature (in my opinion, besides my fantastic boobs) was my hair, and my hands. Then I was bald, and then I got lymphodema. Go figure. I wish I could rely more on my personality but menopause has made me b*tchy and unpredictable. Still, I'm pretty happy. My partner might have something to say about my not-so-sunny disposition but he doesn't know how hard I try, so he doesn't get to have a say.
Smart - Good for you for not crying. Another triumph! I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut either, by the way.
Winter- All my positive thoughts for your upcoming appointment
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Very nicely said, Janet. I agree, everybody's prescription is valid. We didn't all start the same, and we don't end up the same. I would really like to encourage Raidergirl and all others to follow their heart and their gut. Since guilt doesn't come from an organ, I think it can be safely ignored.....
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Actually, I know someone who, because she was going in for reconstruction, was required to have a CT scan.
More cancer was discovered...very early. Had she not had reconstruction she would never have known until it was too late.
I'm thinking I should probably have one, even though I'm not getting reconstruction....
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I know Bosom, that's why I haven't had one yet.
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Raidergirl, Thank you fro your sweet and thoughful words a bout the kids. I think your observations are very accurate and I appreciate your thoughts. You are right, just need wait until they are a little older, but at times it does feel very painful.
It's sad to hear that you feel forever changed and entirely understandable, having had perfect breasts, that you want that back. That desire can sit along side feeling gratitude for where you are now. I have noticed that conflicting emotions/feeling are very much a part of this whole bc experience. I am not sure what your health system is there? Can you simply get an opinion about it all? without having to pay? I too do not feel finished with bc or rather bc hasn't done with me (see my stats) but I still went for a recon and I am very pleased I did.
Smart- What a horrible experience that sounds. I hope you are ok. Bake sale?? - wtf?. Was that all he could come up with? I really hope that situation is now resolved and you can get on and do the job.... I too am pleased you got through it, well done. That kind of thing is stressful ++
2tabbies. Thank you had my check this morning. Not by my usual surgeon (she is amazing). But the doc I saw seemed pretty thorough, a good poke and palpation around the recon, spine, up, down asking if I felt tenderness there. Asked about any cough, bowel or tummy issues, felt all round c'bone too. Had a real good feel of the lump on the recon, and said he too thinks it is b9. I am having that out tomorrow at another hospital. Want this to stop now. I am now on 1 year checks, so I wish I was you now!! a year feels much too long! Still I have second stage recon, so no doubt I will still get monitored by the ps. I practically ran out the door today, would have skateboarded if I could!. Hate it!! those rooms I too just wanted to look good in clothes like you, that was my main aim with recon. Boobs never my best bits. Sorry to hear you're feeling low. That's not nice. Wish I could get a coffee with you.
Tim, and everyone else rooting for me. It means a lot. Thank you all. Feel I need a very very large glass of wine now!
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Lily,
Where abouts are you in Spain? Amazingly, that's where the kids are going with their Dad!
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I just reread my earlier post where I made the comment about "stopping the pity party." It was not directed at the group, it was directed at myself. I apologize if anyone interpreted it that I meant everyone. I'm so glad I found this thread! Feeling a little better today....
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2Tabbies I think many women believe they wont care how they look because life is so precious that during the storm thats the thought that helps us do what needs to be done . Then the worse of the storm passes and the crap floats to the top. Im sorry youre experience was so tough and so unfair. I agree that looking/feeling more normal in clothes will make a difference. When all is done, get yourself some really pretty girly things.
JJ Onatrio. Bc following a recent augmentation is cruel. Already you were wanting beautiful breasts and then WHAM. I'd be pissed for a really long time and you may have to accept what happened but you dont have to do it with a smile.
JanetM I had to grin when I read about what my 60 year old self would think. I am 56 .But I dont want to reach any age and regret. BYW: your best feature is not your breasts, hands or hair . Apparently its your strength. It had to be hard to go through all that yet here you are helping others
Jackbirdie- Guilt from an organ...lol . Like there isn't a pancreas -like gland for guilt. So funn
Wintersocks Raising men has to be hard work. Just getting them to put the toilet seat down is monumental.
Timbuktu I would like a scan just to feel right but MO says no . There has to be specific reasons or insurance wont pay.Fear and peace of mind is not on the list.
Smartass Rudness...really? I could understand if you pimp slapped her or gave her a wedgie .
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Rhody, I didn't interpret your earlier remark as directed at the group. My response was meant to say that none of us needs to feel guilty because we aren't always happy just because we're alive. We do need to try to carry on as best we can, but our feelings are legitimate whatever they are. I'm glad you found us too.
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Janet, are we twins separated at birth? I always thought my best features were my boobs, hair and hands also. My boobs got lopped off, my hair fell out, but my hands are still ok except for the age spots that are appearing. Hair grew back, but it's somebody else's not mine. I got the chemo curls and the last vestiges of brown are gone. I guess I'm lucky because people rave that it looks great. I have lost one of my nice ankles to cancer. It's all puffy with lymphedema from my ovarian cancer surgery. It sucks wearing compression garments in summer, doesn't it. And another thing we have in common - my PS had to talk me into getting nipples too. I'll get them about September unless I change my mind between now and then. Got to get through the exchange surgery at the end of June first. I have a consultation with a tattoo artist tomorrow to talk about tattooing the rebuilt nipples. Should be interesting.
Tim, like Raider, I can't get a scan unless I have a specific symptom that warrants it. My MO says that finding a recurrence on a scan versus a few months later when symptoms show up doesn't lengthen your life. That might be true statistically, but I bet it lengthens some people's lives. I'd also prefer to know I'm stage IV while I still feel good. I'd quit my job and enjoy whatever good months I had. There's more to life than just its length, but that's the only thing the medical establishment seems to care about. As Raider said, peace of mind doesn't count.
Winter, I wish we could go for coffee to. I'd love to meet up with all the girls here for coffee. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope the lump is benign. It sucks that you have to run around to all these different hospitals.
Raider, thanks for the laugh. Yeah, teaching guys to put the toilet seat down, much less the lid, is a real triumph. Regarding pretty, girly things, that's the odd part. I've never been into that stuff much. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl. The one thing that thrills me about this whole pile of crap called bc is that I will never have to wear a bra again even though I know a lot of women love wearing lacy bras. So, go figure that I hated being flat so much. I think it was that my whole body looked different. I might not ever have been a girly girl, but I did look female. With a flat chest, I looked like an alien from Planet Neuter. Even with all the scars and patches, at least I look better than that now. Maybe I'll buy myself a very nice expensive bottle of wine when I'm done.
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2Tabbies - Forget the 'maybe'. You should absolutely buy yourself an expensive bottle of wine when you're done! After my nipples healed, I when to a specialty bra shop, had a fitting, and walked out with a super cute black bra from France. It's really simple but the straps have a nice pattern, and even when I wear it with a T-shirt, I feel special.
Go for the nipples, by the way. It evens things out. My boobs are slightly different shapes (sister, not twins) but the nips make them feel like a perfect a pair as I can ever hope to have.
Raidergirl - I'm only a few years behind you in age. My 60 year old self doesn't seem that far away, but I have a feeling she's smart than I am.
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Ladies
WTF I put fears in a jar with a tight lid and I called the surgeon. I see him Monday June 8th.
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Funny several of you have mentioned having liked your perfect boobs. I am not sure mine were perfect, but it was one body part I always got compliments on (both men and women) and asked if I had gotten implants. My other most complimented features were my hair & smile. I have always felt insecure about my appearance (I think being the youngest of five girls pretty much cemented insecurity into my DNA), but the boobs and hair were things I always felt pretty good about. Damn cancer. If something goes bad with my smile too I am going to be really pissed.
Raidergirl, I am proud of you for making the appointment. Any time we stomp down our fears and move forward is a success & takes real courage.
2Tabbies, definitely get the wine...or whatever little reward makes you happy. You deserve it. You planet Neuter comment made me laugh...no offense meant...in good way because it perfectly summed up what I have thought about myself.
Janet, your insight on the nipple issue is helpful. I have been undecided on the nipples, wondering what would be the purpose. I think you may have provided me with a reason to go for it.
Thank you all for the support on the job issue. I should find out within a couple of weeks.
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All the best on June the 8th, RG! We have to do what is right for US! I never look at anything like this as being vain. It matters to us. Janet, you are very wise and wrote in a way that I wish I could write. I certainly think of this as a safe place to come, too.
Anyway RG, I have some years on you (I'm 66), so I think I would feel exactly like you do if I was your age. I don't like something that happened during my last surgery, either, where a lot more tissue had to be taken. Now I'm left with a good sized "dog ear" on the side. Usually, I don't think that happens with normal lumpectomies, but he had to go back in to fix a bleeding hematoma. He chopped around to fix the problem and had to take a lot more breast tissue than the first time, leaving a huge place missing on the side. I refer to him as "Dr. Hatchet Man". Sorry if this is TMI! LOL.
I'm really on the fence about having it removed, because would be a 3 inch incision, a different surgeon said. Another surgery scares me. And I too wonder if this is over. Maybe we all do? Then, I wonder how much of the rads hit that area and how well I would heal. On a good day, this "problem" is uncomfortable. On a bad day, it stings and burns. There must be a lot of nerves in that area. Anyway, I am not sure which way I will go.
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Lump gone and removed by a ps who's speciality is hand and lower limb surgery!, done under local , not necessary as I can't feel anythin on the recon at all, dressing on and no shower for 5 days. Results not back for a while yet, tho no one seems too worried. I really hope that's the end of these lumps.
Felt shattered when I go home and went to sleep for about 3 hours. Still feel exhausted.
Thanks for all your kind thoughts.
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Before BC my DH used to say about my boobs as they said on the Seifeld episode "spectacular and they're real". Now I have a nice perky pair of silicone foobs. I say "spectacular and they're not real". That was then - this is now. He is happy I'm alive. No more surgery for me if I can help it butI wish you all well with your choices.
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Janet, I'll get nipples of some sort. I'm just not decided on whether to let the surgeon build some or get 3D tats. I had a consultation with a tattoo artist today. She does pretty fabulous work - both the 3D nipples and regular decorative tattoos. She also showed me of before and after photos of a man's forehead where she'd camouflaged a scar and skin graft. I don't mean she put a decorative tattoo over it. I mean she made it disappear and look like normal skin. It was unbelievable. I might have her do that to my scars and patch from the LD flap although she sounded like she'd rather do a pretty decorative tat to cover the scars and flap. I've never been interested in having a tattoo so I'll have to think about that. I'm leaning toward letting the surgeon build nipples and just having the color tattooed rather than doing the 3D nipple tats. I think it would seem more "normal" to have actual 3D nipples. It might be an odd disconnect to have them look 3D in the mirror, but have the skin feel smooth and flat when I touched it. Btw, I'll definitely go for a nice bottle of wine to celebrate when this is all done. It's still going to be a long haul. The scars have to fade to the point where they are no longer red before the tattoo artist will work her magic. My scars from the LD flap 6 months ago haven't faded that much yet, and I'll have new incisions for the exchange in June. So, it will be next winter before any tattooing occurs at least. I'm thinking I need a bottle of wine when I finish each step. No point waiting until the bitter end!
Raider, congratulations on "canning" those fears. I also have an appointment on June 8. It's the pre-op for my exchange surgery. I hope your PS says he can restore your former glory!
Smart, I'm glad you enjoyed the Planet Neuter comment. No offense taken! I literally felt like I looked of indeterminate gender. Regarding the purpose of getting nipples, I wasn't going to bother either, but my PS said that it helps a woman to really "own" the reconstructed breasts. I guess it makes them feel more like a part of you rather than some foreign object attached to your chest. Fingers crossed for you on your job issue.
kittysister, "Dr. Hatchet Man!" I got a chuckle out of that one although it's not really funny. If I was uncomfortable all the time and sometimes in pain, I think I'd want to do something about try to fix it if possible. Have you even consulted a surgeon to see if it is possible? Everyone has to make their own choice though. Is it scar tissue causing the pain? I think you're right that we all wonder if this is really over.
Winter, hooray for the lump being gone and nobody seeming to think it's worrisome. I'll keep my fingers firmly crossed until you get the results though. Boo on no shower for 5 days, but at least the "thing" is gone. I hope you're having a good rest.
Chloesmom, spectacular and not real sounds pretty good about now. The tattoo artist above did say she thought I was going to have "rock star" boobs when I get done with the rebuild. I hope she wasn't just saying that. I know I won't feel that way until the scars and flap are hidden at least to the point where that's not the first thing I see in the mirror. She did make me feel a bit better about how things are going though.
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Kitty
I was so naive about all this bc stuff. I actually thought that a lumpectomy would be a scar where the tumor was removed. I had no idea that lumpectomy=partial lumpectomy. No one told me either.
Im going to see the Recon guy. Who knows maybe he'll have a magic wand to make it all go away. I have made one decision,I will not do anything if it would eleminate the possibility of recon in the event of recurrence and mastectomy. Also,I read that some rads patients dont heal. Thats also a risk I wont take. Lets see....Im jumping ahead.
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2 Tabbies - my silicone ones go in the drawer at night. I didn't want another IV, another anything if I could help it. Had surgery in Dec. Nicely healed by the end of Jan. Done done done. They pass the hug test and I'm happy with what I've got. Was so frustrated with how the PS acted like recon was no big deal. Maybe for him!
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Chloesmom, I had the same reaction when the PS's I consulted acted like recon is no big deal. It IS a big deal. But bottom line was, I hated the way I looked and felt flat. I detested my body. I wanted to smash the mirror when I saw myself. A flat chest also made my middle aged belly look fatter. I found the prosthetics uncomfortable and hated to have to figure out every morning if I was going to wear them or camouflage my flatness with a scarf or something. I didn't want to have to get up in the morning and be reminded of breast cancer first thing. I felt like I was in some alien's body. More surgery was the lesser of evils at that point. I wish I could have shrugged it off and lived with it, but I just couldn't. I envy women like you who can. Maybe if I had the really slender build of some women like runners who are flat because they have no body fat, I wouldn't have minded. But I don't. I tried it for a year then decided I couldn't stand it any longer. You wouldn't believe the sense of relief I felt after just the first fill of the TEs. It was the first time I'd felt anything close to normal in a year and a half.
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2Tabbies thank you, I feel like that and am still forcibly flat on one side, HATE every morning, hate the summer, hate women who take cleavages for granted, hate the way I am and hate the fact I cannot be flat and proud and feel feminine, mind you the hormone blockers dont help me feel feminine, just aged.
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Bravo to you ladies for considering what you need and then acting upon it. 2 of my friends love their reconstruction. I'm a wimp and hate painful procedures. My DH likes to help massage the tight spots on my flat chest. To each his own.
I just hate the way the doctors assume it's an automatic decision. We have choices! Having the time to reflect on what WE need as individuals and not having to act on someone else's expectations is vital. BC takes away , but Choices reEMPOWER
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Looks like many of us were naive about much of this bc stuff. I knew nothing and had no idea of problems that could happen. But they don't tell us all that can happen. Same with the rads. RG, let us know what happens with your appointment and what you decide. 2Tabbies, yes, I have already seen another surgeon, but have more questions before I decide on anything. There is no huge urgency. My problems have seemed to be what works for others don't usually work out for me. Because of the other problems, I really fear another surgery. I actually fear I could end up worse off than I am now. I am a bleeder and my body does not like being invaded!
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Hi Everyone!!I was diagnosed with Breast cancer in January 2015. I had my mastectomy on my right breast on February 19, 2015, they removed 95% of my breast. They found at first 6 and after the surgery 10 calcifications. Nothing in the lymphoid nodes, I didn't need chemo or radiation. I decided not to take Tamoxifen, since me getting breast cancer again was 13%, I had a breast expander and each week (2 weeks after the mastectomy surgery) went to the plastic surgeon to get injected with silicone to expand the skin. I had the drainage attached to my body from February 19, until May 15th surgery. 3 months and a day. Over time my right breast look more like a football, and I would say that It felt like a basketball, because the weight was heavy. Never looked like a breast to me.
I did develop Red Breast Syndrome, which you can't find much about it on the internet.
I recently had my reconstructive surgery and lift. I think for me the discouraging part was looking at all those pictures of before and after pictures of woman's' breasts. Cool, excited that may be me.
Well, it wasn't for my. I received a lift on my left breast and my skin is so sensitive around the nipple and skin. It's like an odd feeling of tingle ness but, not. I read it's a numbness feeling but, I can't say that because it feels different then the numbness and pins and needles then I have experienced. I change the bandages and use Neosporin and then cover up the breast the stitches to let it heal. my left breast is swollen and was told it will take up to 3 months for it to look normal. Normal?? I'm not sure what normal is anymore.
My right breast which had the expander and breast cancer, well it looks like a football still. It's red and purple and the feel is different than before. I had the drainage for 2 weeks after the reconstructive surgery and over the weekend May 20th, I wasn't attached and with the doctor's request I removed the drainage. Let me tell you it amazes me how long the drainage was that was inside my body. I'm not sure what I use to feel, inside my skin. I always thought the drainage was small. It's not.
I can relate to the title to this post.
When I had found out I had breast cancer, it joked and made fun of myself. My way of dealing and accepting. I loved my breast the ones I was born with, that grew and developed as I did. Now, that I'm at the end of the road and don't have breast cancer, my emotions are high. Expecting and dealing with what I thought was going to be a positive outcome for myself, turned to be a sad and negative outcome for me. I guess it's time to speak to someone from a breast cancer center than has dealt with this feeling and help with my emotions.
I've noticed that now, when I go anywhere I'm always checking out another women's breast/check. I guess it's my way of seeing what I no longer. I joke with my daughter and tell her that her boobies will be bigger then mine. She reminds me that grandma (my mom), has the biggest boobs.
Lee
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Chloesmom, I totally agree with you on having choices. No doctor should assume we will all want the same thing. Part of the reason I was so angry was that my choices were extremely limited due to getting bad advice from the PS I saw before my BMX. He seemed to assume I'd want a flap procedure even after I told him I didn't. So I was furious when I found out later that the LD flap was my only option for recon.
Kittysister, I can understand your concern about more surgery if you have bleeding problems. I hope you can come to a decision you're comfortable with.
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I'm 2 wks post rads...and supposed to go back to work in 2 weeks. I don't know if this is radiation fatigue or what...but I'm totally friggen exhausted. My sister seems to think that now that active treatment is over my body is trying to relax...the only problem is that my mind won't shut off. Anyone else like me? I'm trying to fill out these forms for work...I'm not sure how to put "exhaustion" into words because being tired before was just a fact of life
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JJ, radiation can definitely cause major fatigue. That's where I'd put my money.
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JJOntario I didn't have radiation treatment. I returned to work yesterday after having my reconstructive and lift surgery 2 weeks ago (5/15/15) and I can tell you even working 6 1/2 hours I'm exhausted coming home. I left work at 3:30 pm and got home by 5pm (waiting for train to leave, walking and bus on traveling time). I had to make dinner for my daughter that didn't want take out, fall asleep by 8:30 am and waking up at 7:am for work on Tuesday. When I returned after 7 weeks after having my mastectomy on my right breast, I was more exhausted and I found working Monday through Wednesday was tiring. but working Thursday through Friday, I felt like I was crawling to work. My body was dead tired for the month I worked after my return.If you can see if your employer will let you cut your hours? See how your body is during this time. Do what you can do, and remember taking one day at a time.
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Yep
Fatigue was the biggest rad issue. It continued for weeks after the last treatment but then got better gradually.
It didnt kill me but it felt like it would
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