Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Smart, congrats on getting rid of the port! That's good news. Minus 17! Yikes! Not nearly that cold here.
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BB - any news?
Wishing everyone a relaxing Sunday...............I am finding it hard to even get out of the house this weekend, just want to hibernate.....
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Let me start by saying F---- CANCER!
Smartass I'm feeling your pain over treatment collateral damage. I'm so frustrated with my docs right now. It's like, you're done with cancer and we are done with you. Getting help is like pulling teeth. I saw a rehab doctor last week who acted too busy to deal with me. I have a frozen shoulder from radiation and still having these expanders. He wants the expanders out but my surgeon is booked so I told him he's gonna have to call the guy. Of course no one has got back to me. After surgery and radiation, I had so many complications they kept telling me not to do the usual exercises so the area just froze up from scar tissue. He wanted to do this horrible sounding procedure where they manipulate your arm until the scar tissue is torn apart and he wanted to use conscious sedation. I said, that sounds very painful and he said it will be. So why the hell won't he fully knock me out?!
I went to my MO and complained so he referred me to pain management and an orthopedic surgeon but the scheduler couldn't find the ortho order. REALLY?! Now I have pitting edema from my hand to my elbow and it hurts. I left a message for the lymph edema nurse but couldn't access my MO's voice mail which always cuts me off anyway. Who do I even call?! I'll call during business hours tomorrow, but in the meantime I'm going to sit here and cry. I'm so freaked out and upset and pissed off that I can't eat. Everytime I make an appoint with my therapist, some medical disaster happens and I have to cancel. I feel like I'm about to my breaking point. I'm not suicidal but I'm bipolar and I'm terrified of relapse, plus the last thing I need is going to a psych hospital again.
I was diagnosed with cancer in Nov of 2014 and spent almost a year in treatment. How much can a person take before they can't handle it anymore? I know there are people in much worse situations so I feel guilty complaining.
Oh and we are in the middle of moving and I can't physically do hardly anything.
Sorry for the rant. I feel very alone.
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catlady, go ahead and rant. That's what this place is for. You've really got a lot going on. I understand about not knowing which doc to call, and how frustrating it is when nobody calls you back. Definitely call again in the morning. Could your therapist work you in on sort of an emergency basis since you've got so many things stressing your right now? You are not alone. You are definitely not alone.
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Me, complaining again... I have had terrible diarrhea over the last 10 days, I cannot eat a thing and must have lost at least half a stone. I have seen the doc on Friday and have put a sample in but that will not be back until Tues/Weds. I have asked for the doctor to ring me this morning as I am still feeling very unwell, I simply cannot believe that here I am again with yet something else going on..... I do not think there is an area of my body that has not had something wrong since dx of cancer.......
I am beyond depressed.
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Winter, have you been taking antibiotics, maybe you have c-diff from that? I am so sorry you are ill with ONE MORE THING. My heart grieves with you because I tolerate anything else very poorly at some points depending on the day....
Praying for you and hope all of you ladies get some happy your way today, it is crazy town sometimes.
I ate a bunch of peanut butter pretzels when I found out Holley Kitchen died. And that made a lot of sense because I am just so slim already (not).
Sigh. She was awesome. Just because I don't have stage 4 doesn't mean she didn't educate me or inspire me, gosh she was the bomb.
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EEmoment,
Thanks for your understanding... Yes, I have been on a ton of abx and in hospital loads, I read that can cause it... I had to ask the GP to test for it! It's bad enough being ill, but doing the docs work is just an added burden...
It is difficult to keep tolerating one thing after another, I can really see why some people just give up...
I like your sentiments about the peanut butter pretzels! I do hope you really enjoyed them.
Holley was certainly an amazing woman.
Oh it's Monday too...
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I am so sorry to read this Winter - I strongly recommend you start drinking coconut wáter and take TWO Fosadophilus capsules a day......available from Cytoplan.co.uk (free delivery in UK)
I came on here to have a moan as I just feel like crap most of the time, emotionally in particular. And then I hate myself for it.......I hate the fact that people who so want to live seem to die from this disease and others, like me, who don´t feel like they have much reason to keep struggling, are still here.
Today I was irritable at the dogs, complained for 4th day in a row at Amazon for on delivery of an order I need for my 4 hours of work per week I have managed to find but have ZERO confidence in, I think I have no brain cells left, I just can´t think straight anymore and have not had chemo so thats not excuse.....and in the end I was in tears on the phone to Amazon for a non delivery I mean for God´s sake what the hell is wrong with me???
This came up on my Facebook, going by this I think I may be depressed.......
1. Irritability
Most people think depression leads to overwhelming sadness. Sometimes, people with depression experience anger and irritability rather than hopelessness and misery.
If you've noticed increased irritability—or it seems like the people around you feel like they need to walk on eggshells—don't ignore it. Don't blame your impatience and anger on your stress level or workload. Take a moment to consider the possibility that you may be depressed.
2. Sleep Difficulties
While an occasional restless night or two isn't necessarily a cause for alarm, persistent sleep difficulties or insomnia can be a symptom of depression. Many people with depression struggle to fall asleep, or stay asleep, despite feeling exhausted.
Other people with depression sleep too much: They struggle to wake up in the morning, can't wait to go to bed at night, and often take naps during the day as well. If your sleep habits have changed, it's important to address the possible underlying causes.
3. Aches and Pains
There's a powerful link between your body and your mind. When you're struggling with mental health issues, you're likely to experience physical problems.
Many people are tempted to dismiss unexplained aches and pains as part of the normal aging process, but back pain, headaches, and sore muscles can be signs of depression.
4. Decreased Energy
Depression can zap your energy and cause you to feel lethargic and tired most of the time. Many people dismiss their exhaustion, thinking, "Well, I haven't been sleeping lately," or, "My workload causes me to be tired all the time."
But consider how your energy level may have shifted over time. If small tasks now tire you or take longer to complete, you may be depressed.
5. Guilt
Unnecessarily blaming yourself for the events in your life isn't healthy. If you feel guilty about everything, from your divorce all the way back to a fight you got into as a kid, you may be depressed.
Many people with depression also feel worthless. Pay attention to your inner monologue: If it's overly harsh and critical, it could be a sign of depression.
6. Recklessness
People who look like party animals on the outside are often suffering on the inside. Frequent gambling, risky sexual behavior, and substance abuse may all be attempts to mask unpleasant emotions.
If you or someone close to you has started indulging in new risks lately, it could be a sign of trying to cope with inner turmoil. Unfortunately, these types of unhealthy coping skills will only provide momentary relief—and can make depression worse in the long-term.
7. Concentration Problems
If you're struggling to stay focused, or you feel like you're in a fog, it could be a sign that you're depressed. People with depression are often forgetful and frequently misplace everyday objects, like their keys or paperwork.
Although today's digital world leaves most of us feeling a bit distracted, concentration problems may also stem from mood disorders. If you've noticed a decline in your productivity or you're having difficulty staying on task, consider the possibility that you may be depressed.
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Lili-Ri please know we are thinking of you and hoping the biopsy shows no cancer.
Take care,
Julie
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Lili Ri have you got any results yet?
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Winter, I agree with the others about the antibiotics. They can cause diarrhea themselves or screw up your gut flora which can cause diarrhea. Taking a probiotic sounds like a good idea. So sorry you're dealing with this.
Enjoyevery, I agree about Holley Kitchen. I'm not stage IV either, but I learned a lot from her. I'm just sick that her family lost her.
Lily, some of the things you listed are definitely part of my depression especially irritability and self-blaming.
Lili and JJ, I think you were both waiting for today to get results. I so hope they were good!
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You know I looked at this list again and all 7 apply to me............I am not good with anti depressants at all so will not be taking them but I did take some 5HTP today..........my heart and my head are churning..............and I feel a complete failure.........
Hoping I will see some good results on here tomorrow morning as its bed time here now..x
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Hi Everyone-just thought I would share that my family Dr called yesterday to say that my ultrasound results from Friday are in and they are not what he expected. The next step for me is a pelvic MRI (I just had a breast one last week!!!), followed by an appt with a gynaecologist. It is suspicious for ovarian cancer. This totally was not on our radar...it was just a fluke I brought it up. I know it's not confirmed and I know I can't or shouldn't let my mind go there but I'm finding it difficult just to go through these tests. I'm getting angry and just tired of feeling robbed of joy. Staying home today...I can't concentrate at work. I feel so detached from everyone there at the moment...
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THat is just a total total crap shoot.......BUT if found before any symptoms that is very good news prognosis wise HUG for you.......
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Oh JJ. So sorry what a downer but as Lily said hopefully it is early and that is positive.
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First of all, Lily, I am sorry you are going through that. There are better meds out there than there used to be so I am hoping you get relief in some fashion, either the blues go packing and go towards the deep blue sea (well I guess I don't really want the animals to get it), or you find a solution/support but know you have ours.
JJ, I will be praying there is some other explanation for the test findings, and that no matter what you will feel strong and confident to "have at it" whatever the outcome. I am not always strong but sometimes it is interesting it happens and I am so happy. Hope you get that experience. We are cheering you on no matter what....
Hugs to everyone else, it is just something that no one really gets unless you are going through it. Even those of us without recurrence at this stage just struggle with catching that balanced with not letting it rule our happiness or mood. Gosh it is not for wimps.
Winter, yeah the Pb pretzels were awesome. Still on my behind I think but onward and upward as the saying goes. I think I had best not buy them anymore, guess they are one of my (many hahaha) trigger foods.
Cindy
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JJ, it so sucks that you even have to think about ovarian cancer. But as Lily said, if it does turn out to be cancer and was found before there were symptoms, it is quite curable. Mine was found by accident. I had a major abdominal pain which I was later told had nothing to do with the cancer. (It was probably a cyst twisting on its stalk or rupturing). But that's when I had the pelvic exam that revealed a mass that they had to check for cancer. It was stage 1a. The oophorectomy was considered the cure. There was no further treatment needed so compared to breast cancer treatment, it was a piece of cake. It's been 13 years, and I am fine in that regard. I still hope yours is not cancer, but take heart even if it is. I'm just so sorry because you don't need one more thing that's such a big stress.
Lily, if you haven't tried antidepressants in a while, I'd encourage you to see if there's something new. As, enjoyeverymoment said, there are a lot of them. I hate taking them, but know I'd feel much worse without them. What's 5HTP? I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I was just saying that about myself the other day. And I feel like it's too late to remedy that at least professionally. But maybe I can do something so I don't feel like I'm a failure at life itself. I hope you can work that out too. I also think we're a lot harder on ourselves than is necessary. We expect more of ourselves than is reasonable sometimes.
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2Tabbies - thank you so much for sharing. Everything I've read about ovarian cancer has scared me but you have truly helped. When I read the stats I shudder. I had the CA125 test and it came back in the normal range but from what I've read it's not as reliable for premenopausal women. Even if this is nothing it's the jumping through all these hoops and being so stressed all the time...it's exhausting...but I know thanks to all of you that I'm not alone...lots of us are going through the same.
I'm having a hard time with all of this as well as feeling frozen out at work. No one wants to assign me projects because they know I've been running around to all these appointments so it means I'm twiddling my thumbs ....it makes for a very long day and makes me feel more depressed. Before BC I felt like a really vital part of the team...now, not so much.I really just want to hibernate...
Hugs to all you.
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JJ, I'm so glad my post helped at least a little. The stats are so bad on ovarian cancer because it's often not caught early. The symptoms are vague enough that many women ignore them. Since you've been going through cancer treatment, I doubt you've ignored anything. My excellent gynecological oncologist told me it's very curable when caught early. You're right that the CA-125 isn't the most reliable test, but let's hope that in your case, it's right on.
I can relate to being bored at work. I'm not being frozen out. It's more the nature of my job at the moment that I'm either really busy or twiddling my thumbs. I notice I get depressed when it's the latter and hibernating starts to look really good. Plus, I'm just tired a lot and tired of my job even on the better days so sleep sounds really good. Hang in there.
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This is an excellant topic. I am still looking for the rainbows and tears of joy. I was not a strong person during treatment. I cried allot. I shook allot. I contemplated my death to BC allot. I contemplated suicide but my brother died from suicide long ago. I am the last living child to my parents and I could not do that to them or to my adult kids. I am on antidepressants now and other meds related to cancer and other bodily defects pertaining to my heart and metabolism of folate acid.I take 6 pills a day. I simply thought after all this was over it would be easier to go on and live life. It is not. I had my last surgery a week and a half ago getting a new nipple. The stitches come out in a few days. Then I plan on an organic dye tattoo to cover my many scars. I try very hard. I can go about three to four days regular pace running errands etc. Then I have to recluse and rest for a few days. My mind gets so very very tired. My body tired as well. The fear of reccurence. The anger that I got BC to begin with. Now diagnosed with PTSD. I also have had a few major traumas in my life that BC was the straw that broke the camels back. This was surgery number 5 in the space of a year and a few months and quite frankly I am just wore out. I fought BC so hard and now that treatment is over except for Tamoxifen I am just at a loss. Am I happy I am alive? Yes. I am terrified to die. But that is no reason to be happy to be alive. My aunt is coming to visit in March. She emailed about how I am healed now and that she told her friend that is coming that I am fun to be with. I am not fun to be with anymore. I suspect it was a passive demand of sorts to be pleasant and happy while they visit. I think people need to believe I am healed because they cannot stand the burden of cancer looming in the backround.
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Hey everyone,
It's been awhile since I checked in these message boards. I think maybe June of last year. I was just getting back to work and really struggling with everything. I definitely had some struggles with depression, or as I put it "a lack of interest in anything". It's been a long road, and there is still a long way to go ahead of me, but I think I am finally making some headway with it all.
My hair still isn't growing in, and it's been over a year since I stopped chemo, but I am looking at having reconstructive surgery next winter which I am really looking forward to. Hopefully by then my hair will be a bit better. I have started taking biotin, but does anyone else have any advice for hair growth?
I've been back at work full-time now for 8 months, and that has definitely helped me. I am a person who enjoys structure and having purpose. I have taught myself to play guitar, I have started taking night classes (Medical Terminology Levels 1 and 2), and go to Kundalini Yoga class twice a week. I go out to dinner, and have friends over, and am taking joy in decorating my home and learning to cook. I watch movies, and draw and do whatever makes me happy. I'm planning a trip to Nashville for next year (huge country music geek), and to a yoga ashram this year. But if I don't find things to look forward to, then life can get pretty overwhelming.
The point is I have come a long way. I still struggle to have patience with myself. But if there is one thing I have learned is that I can't look back. Everyone is right when they say that nothing will be "normal" again. It's a new normal, it's a new path. I remember looking at pictures of myself from my trip to New Zealand, or just adventures I had over the years and it was painful. That girl had hair, and she smiled, and she was thinner and she looked younger and happier! Who is she? She's a piece of my past, but instead of trying to be her again, I need to recognize the good changes that cancer has brought me and aim to be better still. I can't go back, so I can only look forward and start carving out my future. Yoga has definitely helped me. I still struggle with self acceptance, and my self esteem is pretty low but I am learning to love this new strong woman I have become. A fellow survivor told me "Breast cancer didn't define me, it refined me" and I really identify with that.
So I am healing, finally. And that gives me hope for the future. I hope I can pass on some of that hope to anyone else going through a rough time after cancer. It will get easier. Have faith in yourself.
Much love to you all! Your stories have helped me, and your courage and strength is always inspiring.
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Bcky - I do feel your pain. I am past treatment now too. Had my surgeries, chemo, radiation, and now am on tamoxifen. I felt like I should have been celebrating when I was released as a cancer patient, but instead I just felt abandoned. What do I do now? Throw a party and move on with my life? But I never threw a party. I was too scared to celebrate the win. It felt like too much of a jinx.
I constantly feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or that my doctor will call me and tell me that they made a mistake, and the cancer is still there. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sick at all anymore, but it's that constant paranoia. I went to a meeting for dragonboaters who were bc survivors. The lady at the front talking said something about how each of them panics when they get a cold, or the flu. I think it's something that will stay with us for a long time.
But regardless, we have to keep living, and in short that paranoia makes us realize how precious the time we have is. Because we know it can be taken away. We are no longer innocent to that fact of life.
It's been a year since I finished chemo, and 8 months since I finished radiation and went back to work. These 8 months have been so much harder then any of my time through treatment. But it is getting easier. I am finding ways of bringing peace and joy into my life. And remembering that it is worth it. Life is worth it. That's the reason we fought so hard to begin with. We want more life. It helps to remind myself of that. But I do understand that it can feel so overwhelming, and draining.
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What an incredible group of women on this board, talk about warrior princesses, even though in your hearts we may not see it that way! And, I know, you would look at my stats and say "oh my gosh why on earth is she even on this board" but I am actually in the middle of some workup for some abnormal stuff and guess what? No matter what your BC background, it can still be looming in your mind. Here are some things I decided bc CANNOT TAKE AWAY.
Ability to enjoy a great book
A chance to enjoy being alive on days I don't hurt. (compared to you all I am sure my aches are mild but the joint thing is stinky)
An ability to set limits on others expectations cuz I don't put up with bull like I used to- so much wiser than before!
My Bible (my faith has got me through more crap than you would know). To me it is a shot in the arm.
My music- thank God for good old Pandora radio and I have made up a happy playlist on my iTunes which helps a lot
My adjustment in what I expect from myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have slowed down at work, I am not the YES machine to the world anymore but I guess since I am 58 I am realizing I don't have to impress anyone. God is impressed with all of us. He has the whole plan figured out and worked out and for me to run ahead and think I am in charge of fixing my universe just makes me stressed. Just doing what I can, doesn't mean I can keep bad stuff from happening. Dang it.
JJ I am praying and sending good thoughts your way. Bcky you are spot on, who doesn't feel like that and you have been through a lot and that is why I like this board.... people keep things real. 2tabbies, you are amazing too. Lily, know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Winter season doesn't help since it is less sunlight, I am always happy once February gets here for some reason since I know I am in the home stretch towards Spring!
edited to include: Brandyrose- I saw a dermatologist who wrote me a prescription for Rogaine and also recommended biotin which I already was on. My hair loss was not from chemo but my hair got thinner after cancer and taking Femara. I decided not to take the Rogaine since it only lasts until you stop taking it. I agree with the poster below, hair loss is not every dermatologists specialty.
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brandyrose,
My best hair advice is to find a dermatologist who deals with hair loss. There are lots of treatments available.
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Wow, the board has been active. I read through what has gone on in the last few days & it put my crappy week of just a little above regular crappy happenings in perspective.
JJOntario, I am sorry. I hope when you next check in you get comfort from the support of all of us behind you. I know I am not able to stay calm when health worry looms large. My thoughts are with you and your family as you navigate these new concerns. I agree with 2tabbies, you are strong and vigilant. Those are good things to be to have good outcomes.
Wintersocks, sorry about the continued stuff you have going on. That must also be scary and extremely uncomfortable. You deserve a break. Some of these ladies had good ideas.
Bcky, I think we have all had a seat on the strugglebus you are on at one time or another. For me it comes in waves. I have no good advice but know that we are here. Many of us have talked here about other folks declaring us "cured" or to have "kicked cancer's ass." It feels so demoralizing to know that they are seeing what they want to see & do not want to look deeper because it is uncomfortable or they maybe do not know how to do so. I hope you have found good support for yourself.
Lily, you certainly could be depressed, but in some ways I read a lot of that list & think that could be my altered personality. I am cranky, and achy, and sometimes mean spirited and short-tempered. I have little patience & sometimes envision reckless behavior I would never actually do. I sometimes cannot sleep & I cannot concentrate on things that I deem less than important (that one is going to get me in trouble). I take Effexxor and Gabapentin in hopes to help my hot flashes and my anxiety/depression. I think it helps with both in some form or fashion, but certainly is not a magic bullet for either. A lot of my job it so help people. This week, I wanted to answer my phone...Leave me the F* alone, I have my own problems. Thankfully I didn't do that. I sometimes believe in Karma, but if it is true, I must have been a real jerk in my past life. One foot in front of the other I guess...chin up, shoulders back, gut in, smile smile smile. Or, put on my pj pants, watch trash tv & ignore the outside world. I vacillate between the two most of the time.
Maybe I am loopy on cold medicine.
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Just a little update. I seen my family Dr today. This suspicious mass is 11 cm (about 4.5 inches). The pelvic MRI will hopefully provide some more clarity. The Dr also has decided that I need some time off work. This latest health scare has done me in, between work, DH's depression, my DD going through issues at school...the list goes on...my plate is just full and I feel myself going through anxiety big time which before BC..,is so unlike me. My breast biopsy has been rescheduled to Feb 10th.
I have no idea what to do with this time off. I'm not sure if it will be good or not? We really need my income...but I really need a break too! Even if this mass isn't cancer it's going to mean surgery...
Thank you all for listening to my rants. Just knowing that others have gone through some of this crap is a big help!!!
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when is your MRI JJ? Thinking of you, I think you need a break but spend the time doing things you like doing not sitting worrying........x
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JJ-Rant on. I am mad for you that this is piling up and praying and beseeching God to give you a break, and something joyful buried in all this to get you through. You can't change what you can't change as far as work goes. I wish I had a zillion dollars to give you. I wish I could come over and we could watch some good chick flicks and eat ice cream and laugh with you because a distraction would be nice. I wish I could reach down at just pop this mass out and send it into a wasteland. Since we are far away, we can pray and cheer you on, and let you know you are not alone.
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Bcky - I hate it that your aunt emailed her friend to tell you how much fun you are. I hate that kind of pressure on you, and I hate the lack of recognition for the invisible healing that we have to do on our own. It's hard, and it's lonely.
If there's one thing I have learned from this shit storm called 'recovery' , it is this: Ask for what you need. Simple words, I know. But the outside world, including those who love you dearly, have no clue of what we go through once we're finished treatment and released into the world. They don't realize that our hair growing back is not the 'end of our journey'. It's barely the beginning. We all try so hard to fit back into our old lives but the truth is that we don't fit into our old lives anymore because we're not the same person, and we need time, a lot of time, to rebuild and heal and figure out exactly how we can fit in. Don't fell bad if you're not fun. And don't feel like your letting yourself down if you need to rest. Resting can be just as big an accomplishment to running errands. 'Bouncing back' is something you do after a bout of food poisoning or a breakup. Recovering from cancer treatment and a mastectomy is not a linear process. A few baby steps forward will be mixed with tears and completely sh*t days, and you'll feel like you've had your legs kicked out from under you.
Personally, I was wreck. The year following my treatment was the most discouraging and fragile part of cancer. I had to literally fall apart in order to start rebuilding. And happiness was always in the distance. I relate so well to you saying you're glad to be alive, but not feeling joy. That will come. Don't rush it. Just try to remember that it is temporary.
And ask for what you need. Don't push yourself to be the person you were before the diagnosis. Tell people when you need time alone, or when you've had enough. People will say 'you must be glad this is over' and you will want to punch them in the head. Don't be afraid to say that you feel like crap.
You have been through a lot. Set boundries. Don't be hard on yourself. Know your limits. Lower your expections. And know that you will not fell like this forever.
I have so much more I want to say to all those hurting, healing, and waiting for results. I read a lot, but don't write as often as I like. I'm wishing you all well
Janet
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I really hate how I feel these days, I am irritable, very cranky, tired and my belly churns at the slightest thing......I feel very quick to fold emotionally and seriously wonder why I bothered to try and live, if I had know this is what there was I honestly don´t know I would have, I feel like an alien and so pd off with myself that I don´t seem able to cope with anything. When I do say how I feel to Friends they simply do not get it and one yesterday told me how exasperated they were with me because I shared how I felt winded by seeing two pert nipples in a gym............yeah I really want to feel like this..............
I really thought I would feel better by now................even watching TV with dramatic music can set me off
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