Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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OMG lisa! Whoa. What a terrible dream! Please try to tell yourself positive things before you go to sleep. No more dreams like that!!!
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Yes, dunesleeper, it keeps floating into my thoughts. however, as my therapist says, thoughts are not reality, they are just my thoughts. (cognitive behavioral therapy approach.) I so much want to think it's behind me and that thinking about it is counterproductive. Yet I feel that if I act like it's over, I wont' be ready or able to handle it if it really isn't.... today there was an obituary for a woman who had a "gallant struggle" with cancer for 7 years. does that mean from when she was diagnosed? or was it gone and came back?
Well, I actually had a nice sunny productive day, lovely walk by the coast, saw my sons,(24 and 26) and enjoyed myself. Just sank low in the evening. Time to watch a movie!
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Hi Lisa...I'm so glad you had a good day, but I'm sorry that the night brought a lower point. I wonder the same things you do. How do you define time when it comes to cancer? Do you start with the day you were diagnosed or when you were done with treatment? I suppose to people who haven't been through it, they might not appreciate the importance of calculating the time but it's really important to me. I guess it matters because the more time that passes, the further out we are from the nightmare of finding out and going through treatment. It's weird...sometimes I feel like it happened to someone else and sometimes I can't believe it happened at all. Still processing things, I guess.
I hope you have another sunny day tomorrow. In Chicago, it's pretty cold but the sun was out today and that always makes things better.0 -
Here is one thing to be aware of .... If you are taking Effexor you need to take it in the morning. My Pharmacist told me that you can have very bizarre dreams but more I tense if you take it at night. Be sure to switch it to day time.
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I mark the start of my "struggle" or "journey" or whatever, you know, the cancer thing, as Febrary 7th, 2012. That's the morning I laid down on the couch and crossed my arms over my chest because it was cold and felt the lump right under my right nipple.
I went for another 3.5 mile walk along part of Loch Raven this morning. It was very nice. It is so worth the half hour drive to do it.
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It was a small group this morning. I'm in bluejeans.
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Dunesleeper.......what a beautiful pic.....you look happy and that does my heart good to see that. I was strange for me to see the word "loch" ....I'm from Scotland ....the land of lochs....lol... don't often read about them on this side of the pond.
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Dunesleeper,
really glad that you enjoyed your walk. Walking is just so therapeutic I find. Great photo too. Really good to be able to put a face to a name, It looks like a really crisp winters day. I really love those chilly days.
I was intending to go for a walk too, but my friend dropped by too late. However she did bring me a bottle of wine...sigh
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LOL wintersocks. I love your "sigh" regarding the bottle of wine. It was chilly but sunny. There was a partial layer of ice on the water. The sun was all glittery on it. It was very beautiful. I warmed up about 10 minutes into the walk.
Scottiee, Loch Raven is a major "make-out" location for young people -- and has been that for a lot longer than I have even been alive. It is our water supply. It does have a romantic-like name. What makes a loch a loch?
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Dunesleeper.....loch is Gaelic for lake....that's why I was surprised it's called a loch and not a lake. You sure you're in the States ....not Scotland????......lol
Have a great day everybody...I'm off to work....it's snowing like crazy here in Toronto.....brrrrr0 -
So glad to hear all your thoughts about when it all started etc. Makes me feel like I"m not totally OCD about it (my DH says, why does that matter? but it does.)
Kind of like labor, parts of the last year since diagnosis Jan 18 are fading into a blur. Maybe that's good!!!0 -
Rabbit43,I calculate time too! I think of it not it terms of more days into 'survival' but another day without recurrence - if that makes sense??
But then again I have always been more of of a 'glass half empty type'
I simply cannot change that mindset at the moment. My dx was Feb 2011 so really not a year yet. It still feels so raw and I still have that 'rabbit in a headlight feel' I think I am very depressed and struggling. However I have had a bad day today with the house being forced into sale by my ex. Also trying to explain to my 14 year old son that I cannot guarantee the cancer won't return. Oh yes, applying for jobs also as i had to give up mine or rather I was backed into a corner and had to do so. Can it get any worse? I know the answer to that!!
I feel so sad that life is so hard
for me and both of my boys.hope everyone is doing good
WSx
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Hey Dunesleeper,
Thanks for psoting that photo. It's so nice putting a face to the name. Looks like spring in your picture. I know it's stil the middle of winter - but a girl can dream.
Janet
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I swear I posted to this thread. But my message is not showing up
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I love the pic. too, Dunes. Looks like a beautiful place to take a walk. I'd drive 30 minutes for that, too!
Lisa...I think fading is a good sign. It makes it seem like things were far removed from the present. That has to be good. Alot of people don't get the time thing, but as for me, I remember some things from that time in my life so vividly, that it's scary. The other day I drove by a place where I distinctly remember being while I was waiting for my test results and it all came flooding right back into my consciousness.
WSx...I never really thought of it in terms of another day without a recurrence. I can see thinking about it that way. I'm sorry you and your boys are going through a rough time right now. It's bound to get better. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Janet...do you have a surgery coming up sometime soon? Keep us posted. And I love the hair on the egghead...very funny and clever, as usual.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.
Rabbit0 -
Oh no, cleomoon...I hate it when that happens.
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I was very grateful to find this thread. I think my journey started when my mom died of Stage IV breast cancer in the summer of 2004. I was diagnosed April 2010.
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But recently I have had some painful reminders of my battle which naturally trip into my Mom's. Wierd how current things can bring u right back.
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Wintersocks -
Good morning. I was reading your posts and trying to summon up some cheery Canadian Courage that I could share with you - but ended up thinking 'She's right. Can it get any worse?' - but if you're having a particularly bad day, just know that we're all kind of sharing it with you and I'm sending you little mental warrior swords to help you through.
Like I said before - that's a hell of a lot to handle at one time. One of those things alone could flatten somebody. And in solidarity - I'm really mad at your ex.
Rabbit - Hi there. Yes, someone pointed out that I should have some hair by now, so I updated my egg, and because I needed to perch it on something, I opened a bottle of wine, drank a bit, then used the bottle as my new neck.
I do have an upcoming surgery and I'm waiting for a date. I talked to my plastic surgeon's office yesterday, and she said that there are no opening until 'After March'. She said that the doctor was fully booked doing head and neck reconstruction, so I'd be 'sometime this year'. And then she asked if my surgery was prophylactic. Damn - don't those people have charts? For the millionth time I told her that it was part of my treatment since I'd chooses surgery over radiation. In defense of the office - they're actually very thoughtful and caring, but I'm constantly surprised at some of the things that fall through the cracks.
When I went to see the surgeon in regard to my belly fat, he said that I had plenty -Enough to make a good size C cup. I told him that was great - but I was expecting two new breasts.
So I'm waiting..... And I'm somewhere between excited, and sick with terror.
Janet
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Hi Janet, Oh you are so very kind and gentle and I love your little warriors! I will line them up in my head ready to give any one else who gives me a kicking, a slash with my sword. Yah- take that!!
Yes, I have had such a lot to deal with it's true. I wonder how I am still standing at times. The house sale will now go ahead and has to be marketed within 30 days (court order - gulp!!). That all happend yesterday. but i guess it's all getting nearer to being settled. I did however spend most of the day sobbing. If you were to meet my ex, you would consider him utterly charming, but he has behaved very badly to me the Mum of his 2 kids and partner for 20 yrs. I am very angry with him too.
The 'bottle' as new neck was very amusing and you only drank a bit!!! The hair-egg does look much improved I have to say.
Are you having a DIEP too? I am hoping for that procedure too come August/Sept - I have joined the DIEP 2013 thread. I have got a bit of a jelly-belly although I am (fairly) slim.
Hello to cleomoon too.
rabbit43, I think I need to try think of each day as a survivor rather than another day without recurrence. Hey, but maybe they amount to the same thing?? I am too tired to think about that 2:49am in the UK.
WSX
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I applied for a job today. Yay. Wintersocks, I was kind of forced into quitting my job too. Anyway, I am scheduled to take the A+ exam on 2/14, so I figured I might as well start putting in applications. I updated my resume to say I had my A+ certification. Hopefully I will pass. LOL
Line up those warriors! I love it.
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Hey Dune,
I have appled for a job too! that's why I was up all night trying to avoid the 'have you got a disability?' question. Cancer is considered to be a disability here. I am unsure what your A plus certificate is, but no matter I hope you pass it! I do that kind of thing to on my resume too.
It is so odd to be going back out to the world of work. I don't think I want to talk to other people. I feel too different. Might have to get my warriors to interviews.
Good Morning to everyone. I am off now to get my breakfast: Letrozole and coffee, and Venlofaxine for elevenses yum.
WSx
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Lily 55,
Yes, I did have chemo for 8 cycles of two weeks. Before radiation. I better make sure I complete my "signature" to include that!0 -
Wintersocks, good luck on your job search.
I wonder, too, about the working with people thing. I'm still very testy. If someone hires me, I sure hope I can control my irritability.
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Wintersocks -
Yes - I'm having DIEP and I'm waiting for a surgery date. Like you, I'm fairly slim with a jelly belly, which I've been generously feeding over the last year. I don't have kids, so I've never experienced such a big tummy, and I can barely do up my pants. But but whenever I look at it, I think of it as my new boobs.
By the way, when I went back to work I was really irritable and the littlest things set me off. And even though I've calmed down, I've think I've permanently lost my filter. If someone ask my opinion I don't have time to be sweet, so I just blurt out the truth. As in 'Yes your arse looks fat', and 'I think your idea is stupid'. My friends think it's funny becuase of always tried to be very diplomatic, but I don't have time for that anymore.
Also when I came back to work I felt too different. Wrong place, wrong body, worng wig. Almost nobody knew I'd had cancer and a girl said to me 'You look radadiant!'. But I thought they said that I looked 'radiated'. Which I was.
Good luck with your search.
Janet
PS My inner warrior thinks your ex is an assh*le!
Dunesleeper - Good luck to you too!
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Hello all...I hope everyone is doing well.
Janet...we are getting closer to March, so I hope you can get a date soon for your surgery. I'm sure that once you have a date specific, you can summon your warriors.
Wintersocks and Dunes...how is the job hunt going? Hope you are taking your warriors (and all of us, too) in to all interviews.
Pearl, Scottie and all...how are you?
As for me, I am headed in for yet another post-treatment mammogram tomorrow morning which makes me feel like I want to throw up. I keep wondering when that feeling will go away, if ever. And I keep thinking, what will I do if the news is bad? UGH!!! I hate this.
Hope everyone is hanging in there. Thanks for letting me rant about tomorrow.
Rabbit
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Good luck Rabbit. I hope you get good news. Whenever I think about bad news I think "I can't go through this again." However, when it comes right down to it, we will be able to go through it again. Probably, none of us imagined going through it the first time, but we did. We just did it step by step with our warrior attitudes.
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Rabbit ....I'm with you today...good luck...I had my annual mammo a few weeks ago ...
I hate that the anxiety level is so high for us at that time...thank God for "drugs"
Dunesleeper is right....IF we should ever have to do it again, we will, we have all become
Strong fighters. I have become very close to someone here on the boards and she just received "the bad news" two weeks ago.....mets to her lungs. She is struggling, of course, at the moment, still trying to digest it all, but she has started fighting again and is ready to go through chemo once more if Tamoxefen doesn't shrink the tumours.
How is it going ladies with the job hunting? I hope you are having some success.
Everyone else ....I hope you have a great day ...again Rabbit....good luck today.....take a deep breath!!!0 -
Hey Rabbit -
Really? You call that a rant?! (Wow - you really have come a long way since the good old days of us falling completely apart!)
We're with you in spirit today - riding on your shoulder - and ready to share the good news.
I had my first post treatment mammo in December and it was all clear. I have two girlfriends who have been through breast cancer (2009, 2003) and they are both very relaxed about their chek-ups, and say that cancer felt like a long long time ago.
So just concetrate on getting through today without throwing up, or driving your car into your neighbor's hedge. And if you do - so what?
Keep us posted please
Janet
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Dunes, Scottie and Janet..thank you all so very much for your support. I felt each of you with me as my little army of warriors! The mammogram is done, results were fine and I didn't throw up or drive my car into the neighbor's hedge. Yippee!
Janet...I'll try to ramp up my next rant...you are right, that was pretty weak. I hope we all get to the point where your two friends are...where this all becomes rather routine. Sometimes it's hard to imagine, but everyone says it happens.
Scottie...I'm sorry to hear the news about your friend. I'm sure she will summon her inner warrior to get through it.
Dunes...you are right, if we need to fight, we will. Maybe realizing that is the good that has come out of this disease.
Thanks again for all of the support, ladies. You all really get it more than anyone else in my world and I am grateful for each of you. I hope you will lean on me as I did on you for the last 12 hours.
Rabbit0
