Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
I am so sorry for causing you all such concern, and I am touched beyond words at your caring. I can't say too much else because there is just too much pain. Everyone wants me to call hotlines and such, and I just don't know what to say. You know. It just hurts. Everything hurts. The changes in my life. They hurt. The cruel things said by people who claimed to be friends. It hurts. With nothing but darkness plaguing my soul, a girl who likes to tell me what a wonderful friend she was to me told me "no wonder you have no friends." Those words have been haunting me all day. It is something this girl is particularly good at: bringing up painful realities. I guess I should have popped in here earlier.
Again, I'm sorry. I just keep hoping and praying that this darkness lifts.
Now, tomorrow evening I will be going over to my mother's house for New Year's Eve, and I will be staying the night there. She has no internet. So please don't freak when you don't hear from me.
And happy new year. Let's hope it will be happy and healthy.
0 -
Dunesleeper.....so, so happy to hear from you. Many of us have been where you are now, I know I certainly have, including the moron friends and family members. I chose to
To get help in the way of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, because, like you,
hot lines and groups just wouldn't have worked for me. As you say, it just hurts and you don't know what else to say.....forgive me for asking but have you considered some meds?0 -
Dunes...so good to hear from you. Please let us know what we can do to help you other than just being here for you. I think you should stay away from that so-called friend. She sounds toxic and not at all what you need right now or ever, for that matter. Hope you know that we care and we are here for you. Enjoy New Year's with your mom and check back in when you are back at your computer.
0 -
Actually Scottiee, I went OFF meds. I've been completely off the SSRI for about a month and a half. My brain is still not used to functioning without them. I've been on them since 1981, somewhere around then. Well, I don't think the SSRI's came out until the 90's, but still it is a long time to be on them. They are hard to get off of, but I really wanted to find out who I am without them. I was definitely not enjoying my life while I was on them. I had started seeing a naturopath in December or January last year to get supplementation to help ease the withdraw from the SSRI. However, by February, the issue became cancer. Then I learned that SSRI's are linked to breast cancer, so that just reinforced my resolve. I finally decided to start weaning off them. I took it very slow and got off them completely in Oct or November. I want a minimum of six months of being off them to give my brain time to adjust and to start producing serotonin the way it is supposed to.
Meanwhile, I do have to learn how to be alone and be ok and not obsess all day about some cruel remark somebody makes. It is true that we find out who our real friends are when the chips are down. I have one in North Carolina and one in Hagerstown, both considerable drives. Unfortunately, the past couple of days I have been too far gone to even reach out to them. Sometimes I hate this electronic media. I say things on here I won't call someone and say to them. I used to not be able to understand why people would leave suicide notes on facebook, but I totally get it now. I actually put one up there. I went back and deleted it when I realized that it just sounds stupid. And if the cops had come to my house as a result of that post, I would have pretended I had a gun so that they would have shot me. Death by cop. The way the cops are these days, it can't get any easier than that.
0 -
Rabbit, I plan to stay away from that so-called friend but I can't understand why I keep obsessing, keep thinking about sending her a message. Fortunately, I stop myself just short of doing so. Toxic is a good word for her. Unfortunately, I think I might be toxic right now too. I do hope my toxicity does not rub off on any of you.
I think I should take some pills and go to bed. So, goodnight. See you next year.
0 -
Dunesleeper,
Pleased to hear you are ok (as can be).
WSX
0 -
Dunes, you are far from being toxic....your friend, if you don't mind me saying so, is the toxic one......we are just reacting, all in our own way, to the words "you have cancer"
some cope better than others, but not an easy pill to swallow. We are here for you....glad you will be with your mother, but please post after you return and let us know how you are.0 -
Dunesleeper -above all, don't apologize. You are the last person who wanted to be in this situation. It's not your fault. Rest well.
0 -
dunesleeper, does your cancer hospital offer any support services? I go to Duke and they have free counseling for cancer patients, as well as a variety of support groups. I have not been to any of the groups, but have seen the counselor a few times and found it helpful.
Hope you have a good new year's with your mom.
0 -
We have a breast cancer support group that meets once a month. I was fine at the meeting. That was on the 26th. Something sure as hell kicked in after that. I know the butt problem was one, but it really started the day before. I don't know what it was. Oh well. I have to figure out how to shift this mood if I want to stay off anti-depressants.
0 -
2011 and 2012 were pretty rough so I am thinking it is time for 2013 to step up to the plate and be a great year...I hope 2013 finds us all healthier and happier!
0 -
Dunesleeper.....happy to hear from you.....always remember we are here for you and we are all in this together. Hope you have a wonder New Year with your mother.
0 -
I feel **** too so totally understand where you are.......its all crazy making.....why do we fight to live and then feel like this, and if anyone else mentions the words positive or journey to me I will go MAD at them - it is neither, its a hellish place that takes all your emotional reserves and more to survive, there is no known end only horrid fantasies of what that might be like, and on top of it all you are exhausted by brutal brutal treatments....,that assault your soul and spirit as well as your body - why being humane is not a pre requisite for cancer staff is beyond me.....
0 -
((( Lily )))
0 -
It's not much, but it is my first try at making a gif.
0 -
Dunes...love all the animation added to the thread!!! I wish I knew how to do that stuff but I am technologically impaired...lol. Happy New Year! Stay strong. Better days are ahead.
Lily...hang in there, friend. It gets better in time...lots and lots of time. Oh, and lots of ups and downs. We are here for you through it all.
To all of the great ladies on here...thank you all for your friendship and understanding this year. Happy New Year to everyone. I am grateful for each and every one of you and all the caring and concern that you bring to this discussion.
Here's to a great 2013!!!
0 -
Forgive me if this sounds intrusive but there is a thread I started that may be of interest to folks here. I am trying to have a little support haven for people who had pre-existing mental illness and also BC. In my hands it's annoyingly intellectual, so if anyone is interested in adding a human touch, please join:
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/142/topic/796282?page=3#idx_67
When you have to tackle two beasts alone, it is almost impossible.
0 -
Dunesleeper, hope you doing better today. As someone who has been on various meds, I can say that if you aren't taking anything to level you out, the highs will be higher and the lows are usually lower. I think it takes a lot to control our own minds when they want to be obsessing or doing some other tricks that can cause us pain.
I've learned that when my thoughts are getting out of control, I have to change the pattern. There was a period when I felt like the chemo I did was causing a lot of SEs when I was finished. I was constantly questioning the treatment I choose, but one of the things I did was to start telling myself that the chemo saved me instead of harming me. The more I chanted it at night, the more I was tricking myself and my brain to believe it. It worked at the time and helped me to sleep. I don't obsess about my past decisions anymore and now try to just move forward :-).
Happy New Year To Everyone and may 2013 be a lucky number for all of us!
0 -
Happy New Year to all you wise, wonderful women! Thank you for keeping me sane. I hope you all heave peace, health, hope, and happiness in 2013 - and beyond.
Janet
0 -
My bird, Peaches, wishes you all a happy and healthy new year.
0 -
Hi everyone
Happy New Year, Thank you all because I too really had expected everything to be fine when I finished treatment, but as you all know it wasn't. This thread has been a gift for us all. Thank you and all my best to the new year!
Dune sleeper on the hemmeroid prob, had it bad in chemo and tried everything, nothing really helped, someone on here recommended Vicks ointment for colds stuffy nose, it works for hemmeroids, I had an outie for a week also, give it a try.0 -
Thanks for the suggestion FLislander. Actually I made up my mind to call my doctor (PCP) in the morning. It's bleeding now . . . but smaller.
I also have a fungus in my left arm pit (not the cancer side). Anyway, that's what the MO guessed it was, and it did make sense to me. See, I stopped wearing deodorant after the cancer diagnosis. During the summer, the left pit would get pretty stinky. The right one still does not sweat much. Anyway, I washed it frequently throughout the day with antibiotic hand soap. The MO guessed that I had killed off the good bacteria which then let the fungus, which thrives in dark damp places, grow. She recommended I use an athlete's foot powder. I mixed some of that in with baking soda. (Discovered baking soda is an excellent deodorant.) However, it came back. So, I guess I should see if the doc has anything that might help.I'm feeling a bit better. I discovered a new tv channel that plays all these old shows, and as long as I am watching it, I don't have any bad thoughts. I plan to work on this house every day until it looks the way it looked before I let that person move in here and create such a disaster area. When the house stops reminding me of her, I can hopefully lose that resentment, and that can only help my mental health.
0 -
Tea tree oil is a great anti fungus agent.....
0 -
Dunesleeper....you sound so much better, with more of a positive attitude. I also love that channel with all the oldies. What's your favourite?
BTW....I use just baking soda now (organic) with nothing else....works better than when I was using regular deodorant.0 -
Miconazole great antifungal cream. Over the counter about $5 at walmart.
0 -
Happy New Year,
to all ladies on this thread. I was so struggling in between Xmas and New Year. It was great to connect with people who feel the same.
Tomorrow I am off to hospital to check my mild lymphodema is still mild.
Dunesleeper, I love your animations too!
WSxxx
0 -
Lily, I have tea tree oil. Maybe I should try that. I do worry about what is in the commercial athlete's foot stuff. And Scottiee, yes, I think the plain baking soda does a great job. I do believe I will add some tea tree oil tomorrow morning, then the baking soda-athlete's foot powder concoction.
I'm on my way back up I think. I am glad to have that tv channel. However, I have done nothing but stare at the tv for 2 days -- except that I did go to a political meeting tonight. And I'm going to go to another one Friday evening (Sheriff Mack). I am enjoying pretty much all of the shows. Today I was delighted to see Wild, Wild West and then after the meeting, Perry Mason, Kojak, and then some creepy show. I don't think it was Twilight Zone. It grabbed my attention before I could get to bed after Kojak. I do so love Kojak. Weird, I know. The weird show had the guy who played John Boy in whatever that show was. LOL.
I can't sit at the tv all day tomorrow. I need to get to the store, maybe do some laundry, and definitely do some exercise. Geez. I guess I should check out the schedule and plan my day around my favorites. That's pathetic, but still loads better than how I was a few days ago.
I hope you girls are doing well too.
Oh, do any of you get bothered about the name of this place. Sometimes, like tonight, it totally creeps me out typing out breastcancer.org. Ugh. It gives me butterflies in my tummy. It doesn't help that my foob is feeling particularly icky tonight. I guess I should get off here and do some MLD. Oh fun fun fun.
Take it easy. TTYL.
0 -
Hey Dunesleeper -
So great to hear that you're on your way back up! I think it's safe to say that we've all been thinking about you and are mentally cheering you on from all over the continent.
I've bookmarked this site, so I don't ever have to type it in. And the name doesn't really bother me to much. It is what it is. And I guess it makes it easier for people to find - and for that I'm so grateful!
How did your moniker come about, by the way?
Janet
0 -
Hi Dunesleeper......how are you.....I think about you daily and, as others have said, you
are most certainly NOT alone. Please continue to come here and just vent or just chat..
You do sound better.....What helped me was getting out daily, just going around the neighborhood and doing a bit of shopping, talking to shopkeepers I know. It's amazing what you find out by doing this.....women I found out who have had BC......many 5, 10, 20 yrs out .....I heard many inspirational stories by doing this. Just something to think about.0 -
Good suggestion Scottiee. I know I have to stop staring at the TV. Today, that new channel had footbal BS on for about an hour, maybe more. I became very irritable. It is like those old shows are my lifeline for now. I had to take some xanax to calm down. Craziness. Still, it was just anxiety and irritability, not suicidalness.
Janet, lol, my moniker came about because I have struggled with depression all my life. My favorite movie is Dune. In the movie, the hero says "the sleeper has awakened." Earlier in the show his father said "the sleeper must awaken." To me, awakening would be rising out of depression and bashfulness and all the things that have held me back from experiencing life. For now, though, I am the dune sleeper.
Here's a real crazy thing: On Monday I have my ultrasound scheduled. This is the equivalent of the first mammogram post-cancer/surgery/treatment. It will be just a little shy of a year since I found the cancer. I declined conventional treatment. However, if this should show another cancer, I would have to decide between using chemo and possible rads or else basically allowing myself to die (since I would have to assume that my efforts at natural treatment failed). So, I wouldn't have to commit suicide. The cancer would do it for me. Or . . . would I take the chemo? It would be an interesting predicament to be in. I fear that I will be in that predicament. However, I bet that much is normal. From what I have read on these forums, people get pretty scared by these tests.
Anyway, today was OK. Last night I went to a political meeting, which is something that I enjoy and have wanted to get into now that I am able. I used to have to take off work to be able to attend these events. So, that is good. Mom comes over tomorrow. It is her birthday (78). I have to get up in the morning and clean off the kitchen table and the coffee table. Maybe start stewing some pears and partially cooking some potatoes to make dinner prep easier. Have a good night and a nice Sunday.
And thank you for all your concern and support.
0
