Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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I don't have a GP. I've never been to one who didn't charge me for the office visit then send me to see a specialist for whatever I went there for. I got tired of paying twice, having to take off work twice, and the additional time to finally see someone, so I haven't been to a GP in many years.
I don't even know how to go about finding one now. If I walk into the first visit asking for depression or anti-anxiety meds, wouldn't they just give me the same hassles as the specialists who have seen me multiple times over the past year?0 -
Cottontail....no...here in Canada it's ONLY our GP's that prescribe anti-depressants and anything else ....except our cancer drugs. I imagine in the States it's the same.
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A referral to a psychiatrist might be better. Ask you onc. There is a sub-specialty of psychiatry that deals with cancer patients. Your onc may know of someone.
Non-psychiatrists are typically not well trained on the use of anti-depressants and anxiolytics, hence the less-than-optimal response rates in many cases. A psychiatrist --or a psychopharmacologist-- can generally do a more well informed follow-up.
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Good suggestion Athena..
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Tomorrow I go to my primary care provider and find out if she will take over prescribing the psych drugs. I will also ask her where I can write to complain about that nurse practitioner. I will start getting in touch with acupuncturists. If I can hook up with one of them, I think I will feel more empowered, more supported. I also have to talk to the doctor about the problems that initially caused me to make the appointment. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that she will listen to me and will not send me back to Nurse Nancy. Gosh I wish my PCP had not retired. I wouldn't have this anxiety, because she was a great listener. She was prescribing the psych meds before she retired. I simply made the mistake of thinking a psychiatrist might be helpful because of the freak-out I was living. I don't plan on making that mistake again.
However, if you have a good one you can go to, then don't be put off by my experience. Mine was definitely a bad experience, and I am going to report her.
I had a fairly pleasant day today. I only cried in the shower. LOL. Oh yeah, and at one scene in a television show. But I probably would have cried there even if I didn't have the bc stuff. I took the xanax I needed to keep me from being curled up in a ball rocking and crying, no more, probably slightly less than what would have been ideal. I have hardlly been taking any since I saw Nurse Nancy, despite the major anxiety she threw me into. So I've been quite miserable. Not today. Today was OK.
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Cottontail said: "I am not suicidal, but I wish I was dead. I no longer care about anything that used to be important to me. I find no joy at all in life, and find it all completely pointless."
Ditto. The same for me sometimes. Huge parts of this experience has been so horribly negative because of the way I was treated with disregard and disrespect during some of my medical care. I am still scarred by the violation of my trust, and also by cruel and unkind words said to me by an office staffer during some of my darkest days of treatment. Because of that, I did not even feel safe in that doctor's office, which was a place I needed as a haven. I still sometimes awaken from nightmares about that time and quietly cry in the middle of the night, even today.
I did not matter to them then, so why should I matter to me now. This has been a devastating journey that should have and could have not been so hard.
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Monday´s child - that too was my experience, only my surgeon treated me with anything approaching sensitivity and even then it was only very low grade, but I could tell he does care...........I went back there today and told him about my concerns for my other breast as oncology not given me any appointments still and he has referred me for an MRI "for my peace of mind" (as I am lobular which is hard to detect) and now I feel a bit calmer but the relentless battle with medical staff is part of my stress - I should not have to present myself to the surgeon as mega urgent without an appointment just to get the treatment good practice would dictate I should have..... and my ongoing feeling of not being safe with the medical team adds to my distress.......it took ALL my courage to take myself there today and sit in that same waiting area etc......
I have used 5 HTP, a natural anti depressant, in the past with great effect and success but I read it is not good for peopple with cancer - I do not respond well to standard anti depressants as they make me very agitated and suicidal....esp the SSRI´s so not sure whether to take another course of these.........anyone know anything about if they are safe or not?
I know what you mean about mattering but these medics are just fallible people who did some special training they are not God´s .........and you matter to me and i am sure others on here - all people working in the field of cancer should attend people skills and basic psychology courses as they make things so much worse for so many people - I was actually told I must need psychological help as I objected to the lack of privacy whilst topless on the radiotherapy machine where the monitors can be seen by passers by..........I saw every woman who was ahead of me it was such a conveyor belt production line so i know others saw me .........not even a concep`t of basic dignity! My radiotherapy setting up was me totally topless (and with only one breast) whilst all the staff were fully clothed so for 30 minutes I was left with nothing to cover myself with at all........not even a paper sheet.....nothing.....it was so upsetting
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Hi Lily. I'm using 5HTP now. Have you heard why it might not be good for women with breast cancer? I can't find anything indicating that. When did you take yours? Mine says to take on an empty stomach before bed. Well, I choose empty stomach, but empty stomach and at bedtime do not happen together. LOL. Oh gosh. If it is helping I cannot imagine what I would be like without it.
What is with the medical profession? I thought maybe the poor treatment was just happening to me because I rejected chemo. What happened to the "First Do No Harm" thing? They certainly DO cause harm when they treat us like this.
I'm having terrible anxiety leading up to seeing my PCP today. I hope it goes away after I see her. I also hope she tells me where I can complain about that psychiatric nurse practitioner.
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Yes me too - I just researched again
From Natural Health Consult dot com
Those with AIDS, cancer, autoimmune diseases and the very elderly have an increased risk of fibrosis because of an enzyme that is frequently elevated in these conditions. Fibrosis is the deposition of connective tissue in internal organs.
5-HTP along with chronic alcoholism and liver disease caused heart fibrosis in animals. Alcohol inhibits the metabolism of 5-HTP.
Concurrent drug use: 5-HTP should not be used if taking: Anti-depressant drugs; Monoamine oxidase inhibitors; Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's e.g., Prozac); Tricyclic medications; Weight Loss medications (i.e., dexfenfluramine); Anti-parkinson medications (e.g., L-dopa); Barbiturates and other tranquilizing drugs; Antihistamines and cold medications; Alcoholic beverages; Intravenous (illegal I.V.) drugs; Cancer chemotherapy or antibiotic medications.
Warning: Dosages of 5-hydroxy L-tryptophan (5-HTP) greater than 100 milligrams per day should be taken only under the guidance of a physician. 5-HTP can increase the effect of tranquilizing drugs and can impair the ability to drive an automobile.More info here
http://www.altmedrev.com/publications/10/3/216.pdf
I think there might be a possible connection ot generating oestrogen but interestingly this article above comments on oestrogen being needed for serotonin.............
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OK. So then I should try to have an empty stomach at bedtime so that the 5HTP can help me sleep. At this time I am taking xanax, so that is a bartituate. DIM (the stuff that is in broccoli) is supposed to help estrogen go where it is supposed to go, so if one of those places is the making of serotonin, I won't worry about that. I take lots of DIM and eat lots of broccoli, so I feel comfortable with that. I will check out the articles you recommend though. Thanks.
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DIM also has an impact on progesterone - I have some Indole 3 CArbinol in the cupboard........my view is that those of us who were very oestrogen dominant will inevitably be hit harder than those less dependent - its like withdrawal from nicotine
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I dropped off my bag of wigs and scarves from the Summer of 2011 to the Cancer Center today and just started to sob as I walked out the door. I will miss them as they played a big part of what will most likely be the most meaningful period of my life. “What if my cancer comes back; I should have stored them”, I thought. I had little flashbacks of buying each one and wearing each one. I remember feeling so hopeful and healthy. Yes, healthy. I was thinner and more energetic too and was very happy most of the time. I walked out of the Center today 25 pounds heavier with dark short hair that is so unrecognizable to me. I try not to hold any emotions in as I have convinced myself that each tear brings me closer to feeling at home in my own skin and loving life again. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart to all of you for sharing your feelings so openly.
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Hello ladies...I have been gone for awhile but am keeping up on each and every post and I want you to know that I am thinking of all of you each and every day. I haven't felt like I had much to add to the conversation lately but I just had to post after reading what you wrote, Purl51. I totally get where you are right now and wanted to give you my take on things.
Recently, a friend asked me what I did with my wig after I finished treatment. I told her it was in a box up in my closet (and what I was thinking was, I'm keeping it in case I might need it again). I only wore my wig twice. It was really cute, but I was never totally comfortable in it both because I found it itchy and I thought I looked weird. So I mostly wore hats and really cute scarves that my sons told me made me look like a pirate...aargh, matey!
Well, my friend asked about my wig because she has a friend who is having financial difficulty and is facing chemo. for bc. I sat there and thought...should I keep this wig sitting in a box in my closet in case I need it, or should I just move on with life, knowing I may, someday, need to get another wig? I decided it was selfish and negative to keep it for myself, so I gave it to her for her friend.Then, 2 days ago, another friend told me about a woman who was recently diagnosed with bc, needs to do chemo. and radiation and, as we can all relate, is scared about everything ahead of her. I told my friend to go to the bookstore and get a book that helped get me through treatment. I told her the name, she wrote it down and asked me if it was available at our local bookstore. Then I realized I should just give her my copy. So, that's just what I did. It's funny, I felt weird parting with it (as I did with my wig even though I didn't wear it much) because I had found it very helpful and it got me through those dark days of treatment. As I turned it over, I kept thinking...what if I need these words of wisdom again someday? Then I thought, well, I'll just go to the bookstore and get another one if that happens!
I tell you these stories because I think you have done a great thing, Purl. I felt the same way you did when I parted with these mementos but then I realized they were mementos of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Rest assured, that you have made a most difficult time just a little bit easier for the women who will use your wigs and scarves. That is the best medicine, isn't it?
And about the weight gain and change in appearance, I get that too, because I am dealing with both right now. But at least we are here to deal with it and make some positive changes. You will get that "comfortable in your new skin" feeling...it will just take some more time.
I think what you did today was great. You should be really proud of yourself. I know it was hard but the things that are most worth it, are the toughest things we do.
Rabbit
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Rabbit....just read your post and Purl51.....I just came back from getting the all clear from my first mammo and u/s since dx......I did not have chemo, so no wigs and scarves but I do
have a lot of books I bought and was thinking I should give them into the hospital library
because I think you are right.....it's good to hold on to good memories....but wigs, scarves and books about cancer are bad memories we want to,leave behind, hopefully forever. Let them go !!!!!!! I think this will go a long way towards our "healing".0 -
Scottie...woo hoo!!! Great news on the mammo. and u/s. So happy for you! And I'm with you...let those books go! I think it will help, too.
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Let it go. Let it all go. My new motto. Thanks and bless you Rabbit. Great news Scottiee1!
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Great news Scottiee! WTG!
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Thank you gals for all your support and for just being there.
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Back at you Scottiee.
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Hi All,
I am just tuning into your posts as I too feel as though I am going a little crazy. I finished treatment, mastectomy followed by 8 rounds of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation last May 2012, In June I developed an infection in my tissue expander and was on IV antibiotics followed by oral antibiotics for a month all timed with the start of Tamoxifen. The infection returned at the end of August and I had to have my tissue expander removed. I was two weeks from the finish line to have my implant exchange so it was very disappointing. I returned to my normal schedule at work in September and felt that I had to re learn that after being out for so long. I honestly feel battered and bruised physically and emotionally and feel it has had repercussions in all facets of my life. I am trying to be positive but feel that in the last month or two Tamoxifen has dragged me down and I am more stressed, irritable and emotional thanI have been since starting it. It hasn't helped that my husband and I are so polarized after all of this, we have not been intimate since last spring and while my libido is really low, it bothers me that it doesn't seem to bother him. I feel we need counseling and he won't go.
I honestly have found the last 5 months at times more challenging than treatment, the adrenaline kicked in and the support system got me through. I even have found that one or two friends that were so involved through treatment really pulled back. I am normally a positive person and feel like coming off Tamoxifen but my MO won't hear of it and keeps telling me that Tamoxifen in my case is nearly more important than chemotherapy. They are so ready to flog Effexor or something else but I don't want to go on anything else. Any ideas or suggestions? I am trying to make more time for myself but feel that I did not go through cancer only to end up back in the same status quo with regard to relationships etc. I have 3 children in 3rd, 6th and 9th grade so life is hectic with 3 schools. I did see a plastic surgeon for a second opinion re reconstruction and he was suggesting the Diep flap so we will see, it seems overwhelming to think about fitting that into my life.0 -
mcmking: You are not alone. You have alot going on right now. Each issue needing special attention and care. This thread is a very safe place to let it all out. Very caring women who understand and many, like me, who often just read and empathize and send out love and prayers without actually responding with words. I too am a tamoxifen filled gal who feels battered most of the time. There are great threads for both tamoxifen side effects as well as threads for the DIEP procedure that are packed with info.
Welcome to this thread. If you haven't already, read some past posts. These ladies are compassionate and truly truly understand. They (I will include myself!) know the frustration of wanting so much to feel well and balanced and your body and emotions saying "not so fast". Take care of yourself; you deserve it. You are going through so much transition right now.
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Purl51: thank you I appreciate it, some days I just feel who is this person ? And then other days I feel like the old me. Yes, I will look at the other posts re: reconstruction and relationships etc. I went skiing yesterday and that makes me happy. Yes, I like what you say about finding a balance life emotionally and physically, all a process we have to go through.
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I am sorry to hear some of you so discouraged ... I think it does take time to come to terms with the fact that we can never go back to that time when we felt invincible. I feel my prognosis is not very good, but I feel content most days. I try to keep busy at projects I enjoy, and spend time with my closest friends. I get occasional panicky episodes where I fear the the other shoe will drop, more so since I finished treatment in April 2012, about 9 months ago. My last 6 month check was OK (only blood tests and physical exam by oncologist). Anything could be lurking, I know. But I am still here, whereas a friend 10 years younger than i, succumbed to lung cancer that he had only for one year. We never know our path. So since we only have one go-around, I think we have to make the best of each day. I'm 66, and sometimes I think,"But I want to be 80". And then I see women in their 20's with bc, and I feel guilty and greedy. It's such a conundrum!
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Evergreen hope you don´t mind me asking - you did not have chemo then?
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Hi evergreen. Not only that, but I see some old people who look really delapidated and in pain and immoblie . . . and I think "please don't let me live THAT long."
You have a great attitude. I'm trying to get there.
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Hi Dunesleeper....I have been reading here but not posting a lot....home with a virus or flu bug ....my get up and go, got up and went....lol
I've been cheering you on with your exercising ....wow...good for you. I always feel better
when I exercise....it's my incentive to do it in the first place 😜 You also sound happier,
which makes me happy..I'm kind of always around keeping an eye on you 👀 no pressure, right???....lol
Evergreen...love your attitude also...I'm 65 ...so I think like you....my only downer is that I have two sons 29 and 26 , who as yet, have no serious relationships going on....Oh,
I so want to be a grandmother...what are the chances??? I may have to be one of these
Debilitating old women that Dunesleeper is talking about, just to make that happen. ....lol
Everybody else....have a great day. Love you all.0 -
LOL Scottiee.
Thanks for keeping an eye on me. It is a battle, and the healthy Dunesleeper is not always on the winning side.
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I'm happy to hear your sense of humour shinning through from time to time..lol..
When the sun goes down, the eyes of Scottie will be upon you...👀0 -
janet, that is a really powerful piece that you wrote. It is giving me goosebumps. Thanks.
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I am trying to stay focused on the positive,but sometimes the negative seems the most likely. Remember the old bumper sticker "Life's a bitch and then you die?" I used to think, how lame, and yet now it crossess my mind. I have my 2nd 3 mos checkup (7 mos post chemo) just bloodtest and exam. Then last night I dreamed my back was hurting and I had cancer caked between every vertebrae. Brrr. First dream like that.
Sunny day, feel OK, saw family, may go for a sunnny drive. Work tomorrow.
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