Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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How are you now Dunes? What is different? You are a brave woman....xx
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Dunes.....you have been on my mind for awhile now.....so sorry about your breakdown,
although I can relate as I had mine last summer. Like you I pushed many people out of my life and still feel more comfortable around women I know now with BC....just can't seem to relate to my friends anymore and no patience for such things as "oh I have a bad cold, I feel awful" !!!!! or "oh dear my cleaning lady didn't show up"!!!! We should have such "wonderful problems". My anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med, plus work
plus being around people now I can relate to and can relate to me makes life doable
now. I truly hope you can get to that place also. ❤0 -
Dunesleeper -
How are you? I know you've been up and down for a while, so I'm really sorry about your breakdown. I've heard that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can start building back up. That could just be another bullshit saying (I've heard so many lately) though it also could be true.
Are you okay? Were there good people in the looney bin for you to talk to? I've been reading your posts for months now, and your courage and humour is always apparent in your writing. I hope you're well.
Janet
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I finished radation at the end of January. The second week of March I was let go from my job of 13 years. Due to a reorganization my job was eliminated. I can't seem to get the energy to even think of looking for a new job. I do get severance which includes health insurance. I recently joined the livestrong program at the Y so I am hoping that exercise will get me feeling better. I think when I had to get up and go to work it kept me going. The only time I missed from work during my treatment was a week off when I had my lumpectomy in October.
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Loneskier, sorry to hear about your job, maybe this can be a good thing and take the time you need to really heal. On that front, I have been very fortunate, I went back to work 2 weeks after my first surgery and worked straight through everything esle missing days here and there, my boss was very understanding and let me work from home when I needed too. But now, WOW, has things changed....and not only at work but at home...
Two night ago I'm talking with .....an extremely close family member (no not the hubby, don't know what I would do without him), and was told...........It's been 2 years already, your alive you need to stop already, enough with the sympathy stuff. I tried explaining to this person that yes while it has been 2 years since I was diagnosed that it has only been a year from active treatment (chemo ended 1-9-2012 and last surgery was 3/6/2012)and that I was still experiencing side effects mostly from the tamoxifen and that I was sorry this was a inconvenience to them, and believe me I wish I have never gotten and become such a burden, I was trying not too. Nice huh, that I need to defend my self. Ok pity party over, guess I'll as I was told suck it up and just move on. Thank you for letting me vent.
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There should be a leaflet to give out to friends and family with bullet points on it saying exactly what is different and what we have to cope with, and hormone blockers are only one part of it..............
It just makes me feel more isolated and miserable when this happens
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No one understand unless they've been through some things. They don't know the cruelty of what they are saying and doing. Maybe this is called wisdom that comes with age? Sometimes suffering brings wisdom.
You're right Lily. The worst thing anyone ever said to me after my parents died (2 months apart) was "Life has to go on." Like I didn't know that? It's really a criticism. They're saying you're doing it wrong. How would they know anyway? It's easier to be alone.
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I'm better, but a bit wobbly. I get lots of opportunities to practice coping skills. I'm sorry to say that there was no one to talk to in the luney bin. They are all too busy to talk to the patients. The social worker was the best person there. Although we only spoke briefly, I did feel heard by her.
As far as whether or not to work, I recommend getting some sort of work or volunteering. Going from working to retired, without a plan, did not work out well for me. LOL. Yup. Not well. Not well at all. Also, treat yourself well. Today I got a hair cut. I had been cutting my own, but I decided to treat myself. However, the wait at Hair Cuttery was awful, and they told me that it would be a short wait. Two hours is a long wait in my opinion. I will not go back there. I will go to a place where there is more of a spa atmosphere and where I will be well-treated.
I also plan on getting a couple acupuncture treatments. I was too cheap to get them months ago when I knew I was losing control. I'm sure it would have prevented this. I will go back to the naturopath, too. Again, it is a matter of being heard and being well-treated. Neither of those will happen when I go to the psychiatrist Monday. However, my therapist, who I also see Monday, will listen to me.
There are some things I can't control. I will take charge of the things I can.
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Yes i do think working part time helps as it forces you to get yourself together - i work 4 half days per week in the afternoons so can not fall apart mornings! Could not work full time energy wise though.....and my Job is one that i can not just not go one day as it lets too many people down
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Dunes, You know me, I'm 65 and you know I continued to stay on teaching. It has
saved my sanity. It just crossed my mind that maybe some volunteer work would help
you until you find some paying job, just a thought.0 -
You are right Lily and Scottiee. I have a training session with the Red Cross on Friday. That will just be once in a while, though. I would like to volunteer in a hospital, and I thought I sent an email to Franklin Square before I went into the hospital, but I have not heard back. The other thing I feel called to do (but at the same time am not sure I can handle) is to volunteer at a nursing home. I think that calls to me because of getting older and feeling lonely and abandoned. I think there is a lot of that in nursing homes, and that's a damn shame. So yeah, I need to take additional steps toward making that happen. Thanks.
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You know Dunes, I thought about volunteering at a senior's home because of my mother
and seeing many elderly people there with no visitors. I have changed my mind at the moment....sounds selfish, I know, but I think for me right now, maybe you too, I don't know, not a good place to be. I think we need to surround ourselves with "normality"
right now, bright lights, nature, people going about their business etc....does that make ANY sense...it does for me, so I will put off volunteering with the elderly until I'm in a better place. Would also love to volunteer at our local cancer hospital, again, later.0 -
I started volunteering twice a week as an Englsih as a Second Language tutor. I can't tell you how wonderful it is.
We have 40,000,000 immigrants in the US, So many are handicapped by their lack of English. These people are so grateful to have someone help them. And it's such a pleasure to help! I go 2 mornings a week and for those 2 mornings I'm surrounded by healthy, young happy and grateful people who thank me continuously for doing what is a total pleasure. I highly recommend it!
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Dunes - I also think that working in these environments might add to your low mood - the reason I took my job was because it is working with children and they are so full of life it rubs off on me, and they are so straight and upfront....so there is no bull****!! They also say if they like you or what you are doing so you get instant feedback - a lot to be said for that!
Can you maybe do something like Timbuktu - something away from health and difficult situations as I worry you will feel overwhelmed and get burned out again?
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Timbuktu.....that's my job!!!!!! I have been an ESL teacher now for about 20 yrs.....love it. I used to be a registered dietitian until I was pregnant with my first son. Then I stayed home for six years to raise two boys. I joined a mother's group and one of the mothers
came with a leaflet looking for volunteers to teach English at a local church. The rest is history.....never went back to dietetics.....took all the courses to become certified and love every part of my job. Well, I'm 65 now and can't bring myself to quit...lol0 -
Scottie, are there a lot of immigrants in Canada too?
I absolutely adore what I'm doing. No downside at all!
I used to tutor ESL and get paid before my daughter was born.
That was around the time that the Soviet Union fell. What an education "we" get, listening to these immigrants!
It's better than travel.
To me, it's utopia. Everyone from around the world, getting along, wanting to learn, it's a really beautiful experience.
I wanted to help poor people learn so they could get better jobs and have a better life. What a surprise when I found myself tutoring in a location near Northwestern University. All of my students but one is the wife of a post-doc. They are only here for a year or two! They are all rich and brilliant. lol I do have one lovely lady from Mexico who has been here for 10 years but never learned English. She wants a job but can't get one. She can't deal with her children's school. She feels isolated and had no friends. She is the reason I volunteered. But the rest are fascinating and I won't give it up.
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You all raise some good points about surrounding myself with uplifting people and places. I thought it would help me to feel useful to these people, but maybe not. Thanks for the feedback.
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Dunes, just another thought....what about becoming a "big sister".....such a rewarding
thing to do and can keep you as busy as you want it to be. I think you have to devote
one day a week, not sure about that though.0 -
I will definitely have to give some thought to what to do. Because I am still wobbly, I hesitate to commit to anything right now. On the other hand, maybe I should not put it off. I will have to discuss it with my therapist tomorrow.
I will be keeping busy getting rid of clutter. I am moving to my mother's house. I got rid of a lot of papers today. I still have clothes that can go to Goodwill. It should take a month or two, hopefully not longer. Wow. There's a lot of stuff to sell, give away, and throw away!
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Dunes, I would never want to discourage you from doing what you want to do. I think your initial desire is so impressive and comes from a really good place. The fact that I am too weak to tolerate such an activity should not discourage you. I can see how helping others in a similar position can do a lot to help a person heal himself. I was just sharing what helped me.
I wish I had that capability. I hope you follow your heart.
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Dunes I was told to find uplifting activities and things that create warm energy in the body, I don´t think its anything to do with being weak its to do with making sure you have a balance of energies in your system and seems to me you have had a lot of cold depressing energy around you, without your own! Once you feel more balanced then you can follow your heart but by then your heart might have changed............
Timbukktu I see you as strong and not weak, be kind to yourself ( a recipe for myself too)
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I have thought that once I retire I will volunteer for hospice or in a hospital. Not the happiest places, but having cared for my father in his last days in a hospital and my mother in her last days in hospice, I want to be able to help the people who don't have children around to do the same for them. I know a volunteer is not the same as your own child, but it's better than nothing.
I would love to do some volunteer work even sooner, but between my fatigue and trying to make money and keep up with the house and yard, I don't have a lot of spare time & energy. I do some volunteer work for my cancer support center, but that is using my professional skills, doing analytics on their website. Only takes about an hour a week and I do it from home.
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If you are an animal lover there are lots of oportunities to socialize kittens and puppies, walk dogs, take pictures, do web site work... Plenty of oportunities to be helpful without the stress that goes with dealing with sick people. Find a no kill group though...
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My parents were dying at the same time and I was their only child. Both my mother and father were on respirators at the same time. My husband and children wanted nothing to do with them so I ran from one to the other. My father had crisis after crisis so most of my time was taken up with him. I found out later that someone from a charitable organization was visiting my mother every day. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Everyone should have someone care. Sometimes strangers are kinder than relatives.
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There is a strange kind of comfort and feeling of kindred spirit in knowing you are not alone in feeling blue sometimes, in feeling pressured to put everything behind you and not talk about it. A good friend of mine when I expressed gratitude at turning 50 last year said "oh no not the cancer thing again, I'm tired of hearing it". No more tired than I was of having it! I have to tell you I was hurt. He had seen me at my worst through the surgeries and I thought he, at least, would understand why I was happy to see another birthday. Oh well, I guess it's a matter of being able to walk in someone else's shoes, or not.
I was working voluntarily one day a week as a support person for patients and their families in the acute cancer ward before I was diagnosed myself (I had cancer at 20 also which is why I thought I could help), usually there is a 2 year stand down for people who have had cancer or someone close to them has, but they let me back after 6 months. I find it hugely rewarding and sometimes sad but feel good at being 'there' for people in whatever capacity I can. Since going back I do find it a bit hard sometimes dealing with women with breast cancer and secondary cancers. I have to remind myself it is not my story or my future I'm looking at.
Next week I'm starting as a volunteer at my local Hospice shop/warehouse which I think I will enjoy and they do a marvellous job. It will be good to do something useful and give something back, my dad died in a hospice last year from cancer (not my finest year!) and the staff were fantastic.
I guess for me it gives me a reason to get up and going and some structure to my week.0 -
I think what you are doing is amazing. We can't make people do or say the right thing or give us what we need. But doing and saying the right thing to others, giving them what they need, is the closest we can get to fixing it for ourselves. Bravo!
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SuzyBlue - Your good friend needs a kick in the arse.
Do people who say 'Not that cancer thing again' really think that it just disappears into a distant memory, like a bout of the flu? I have gratitude for every birthday, and for the birthday's of other's, or anybody who has a triumph to celebrate, matter how small. For me, the last 18 months has been a succession of tiny triumphs - and I love my friends who will acknowledge them. Nothing means more tot me than getting a card that says 'You did it!' after a challenging week.
For the time being I'm pretty much bag to a 'regular' life. My hair has come back (short 'n sassy), I'm working, excericising, and feeling pretty good. I'm awaiting another surgery - so that looms over my head, but I can deal with it. But I have to admit- I still feel a certain level of comfort when I go back into the hospital. I spent so much time there, not all of it bad, and it's a place that is do famliar. Seeing all those ladies in their headscarves... I feel like part of a big sisterhood and a larger universe.
So the people that say 'Not that cancer thing again' - don't get it. They will never know the feeling of sitting in traffic and looking at a bumper sticker that says 'Breast Cancer Survivor' and truly understanding what that means, and how much strength and courage it took to get there.
Janet
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Janet, I think they do believe that. It's like they don't understand that whe the big C comes into your life everything changes. I was always a very healthy person. Had my annual dr's visit, occaisional trips to the dentist or eye doctor and that was it. Never met my insurance deductable... Last Feb., everything changed. I don't believe I've had more than 2 or 3 doctor free weeks since. Most weeks have 2 or 3 appointments. Now some don't seem related to cancer, more dentists for example... but one way or another? The cancer played a part. So quite aside for how I feel, the time sink that is cancer would wear a healthy person down. Then there's the fact that sleeping is just a fond memory, and the occaisional "OMG I'm gonna die" moment that comes. And Yes, I know I was always slated to die, but this brought that notion a form and substance it never had before.
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Just curious...have others had dental problems? I've had two teeth pulled in the last couple of months and I have no molars left. The oral surgeon wants to start doing implants and besides the cost, I just don't feel up to more surgery.
I want a couple of dr free months but I don't see that on the horizon,
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Yes i have had dental problems since rads
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