Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
Gee, i didn't have rads...
0 -
Me too. Gum disease and 4 crowns (two down and two to go)
0 -
Funny you mention dental work... I first had a crown come off back in November, but it was 14 years old so perhaps it was due. Then my dentist showed me I had a hole in another old crown and one of my other large fillings was in need. I was moving along fine until the first new crown he put in came out after two months. Yesterday I spent 2 hours in the dentist chair for a crown prep. Today I was at the periodontist where he came in and told me, "Good news.. we can do crown lengthening and save the tooth." The alternative was an implant and although I know it's good news, it still didn't feel very good. I had crown lengthening 10 years ago and it was painful. It also takes time to heal before going back to the dentist who prepares the tooth for a crown (again). It looks like all my tooth problems won't be resolved until May.
So.... 3 new crowns, plus dental surgery on Tuesday. I don't think chemo or rads are to blame. I do, however, know that at 48 I am no where near the women I was at 46 before the cancer dx. My body has aged much quicker and I do believe that was from the disease itself and the treatments.
0 -
Thank you for your kind words, it's easy to feel I'm being a bit over-sensitive sometimes. Today is the one year anniversary of my nine hour surgery. I shed a few tears last night just remembering how terrified I was and how gutted to be losing the body I'd known all my adult life (as battered as it already was). Today I tried harder to celebrate my new body and its continuing survival. We can't do more than one day at a time.
0 -
Congratulations, SuzyBlue, on your one year anniversary. I hope you will do something to celebrate. You are a survivor, and I know it's not all peaches and cream. Sheet. You really have to dig for the peaches and cream. LOL. We must trust that it gets better, and do what we can in the meantime to ensure it gets better. That is likely different for each of us. What do you need to do to make sure you keep getting better?
0 -
Suzy blue know how you feel - i am jealous of anyone who has had a recon - i still feel i am trapped in a living hell with possibility of no recon ever un less i win lottery......
Congratulations on your anniversary - i am approaching anniversary of diagnosis......0 -
I know I am a lot better than a year ago Dune, it took me ages to accept that my new body was actually still me and not just something put together by the surgeons, a very weird sense of disconnect. Now I look at myself and see the battle scars as evidence of my ability to keep on going no matter what.
I'm so sorry Lily, it must seem very petty to be complaining about scars and the shape of new breasts when you would love nothing more than to be able to join in that conversation. We are lucky enough here to have any reconstruction paid for, I can only imagine what it must be like to have to fight for everything.0 -
Just want to say I love you all and I hope you are having a good day.
0 -
Hi Suzyblue - thanks and yes I really cannot get to grips with having to accept my body as it is now as I just cannot, I am so uncomfortable, physically espeically but also mentally and emotionally......
0 -
Lily, it is so difficult to come to terms with all the changes forced upon us because of cancer. The mental and emotional challenges are far harder than recovering from the physical ones. I hope you have a good support system around you though at the end of the day there is nothing like talking to those who are living the same rollercoaster. Hugs.
0 -
Good morning ladies, I hope everyone is doing o.k. today. There are a lot of newcomers to this board and you have all brought up great points. To those who are new here and struggling right now, you have come to the right place. This is a wonderful group of people who have gotten me through some of my darkest days. Please stay and write when you need to. We are all in this together.
Dunes...you got the ball rolling on the latest round of discussion on here and I think we are all grateful for that. I hope you are feeling better. I think reaching out for help as you did takes a lot of courage and I think you should be very proud of yourself. You certainly didn't take the easy road. As for what to do now, I say do what brings you joy. You deserve it.
About dental issues...I have had my fair share all my life, mostly because I could live on a diet of sugary soda and candy. My dental problems certainly continued after chemo. and radiation. I don't think I can blame the treatment entirely, but my dentist told me that dental problems are a common side effect of treatment for cancer. Stuff I have read also said that. I am guessing like a lot of other things, if something was an issue for you before getting sick, it is a bigger issue after the treatment. So...I still love sugary drinks and candy, so I'll put part of the blame on that, but the rest of the blame goes to the big C and treatment. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
One more thought to share with all of you. I have always been taught that things happen for a reason. Growing up, my mom would say we don't always know the reason when it is happening and sometimes it takes a long time to figure it out, and sometimes we never do, but everything happens for a reason. Of course, when I got sick, I struggled with this concept, because I couldn't figure out what good could come of my illness. Let's face it, it's really hard to find a silver lining in all of this sh*t we have been/are going through and I spent a good deal of time believing I was being punished for doing (or not doing) something, but I don't believe that anymore. Recently I was talking to a woman whose friend finished BC treatment a few months ago. Well, this woman was saying how she just can't understand why her friend can't move on...her treatment is over, she is fine now. You all know how people who don't understand say those things and don't realize the damage they are doing. I tried explaining it to her and don't think I was very successful, but I will keep trying. That got me to thinking...maybe we were all brought together for a reason. Maybe it's our job to shed some light on this mistaken belief that when you are done with treatment, you are all better. Maybe that is the reason/our silver lining. What do you think? We should write a book on survivorship and put all of our tidbits in it!!!
I am very grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for bringing so much to this discussion.
Rabbit430 -
I think the book idea is an excellent one. It would be useful for families and friends of survivors, so that maybe they can see that we aren't malingerers. Is that the right word? LOL. It is how they can make us feel at times. It might also help survivors, so that they don't make the same mistakes that some of us might have made. I know I have made some mistakes, completely cutting people out of my life because they weren't supportive. I'd be interested to know if people have these same problems with other cancers. The reason I say that is because I feel like maybe my hormones are all messed up, like maybe I am in perpetual PMS. This, of course, makes it very difficult to be patient with people and is likely responsible for many of the tears I shed, which of course other people would be tired of seeing and hearing.
Anyway, thanks for the kudos. I felt like I did the right thing, but they sure didn't treat me like that in the hospital. That's a sad situation. I sought help before doing anything, but they acted like I was forced into the place. Oh well. If they had been caring, I would probably have been there longer, but since they were not, I was highly motivated to act well. Of course, in order to put on the act, I did have to make a committment in my own mind that I would not commit suicide.
Still, if anyone gets to feeling that way, I recommend you do what I did. They won't keep you long. The average stay is 3-5 days. It's not luxury stay at a spa or anything, but it did help me.
0 -
Hello Timbuktu and other ladies suffering with dental problems
A month before I was diagnosed I had a lower right molar taken out re an abcess - same side as the breast cancer.
A year later I had an upper left molar taken out (decaying from the outside).
Now I have to have another upper left wisdom tooth taken out - infected from the inside with anaerobic bacteria (decaying from the inside from bacteria that grows in areas without oxygen).
Before all this, I had never had a tooth out in my life.
I looked at a website that connects the position of teeth in the mouth and the areas that it drains into.
This wisdom tooth drains into the central nervous system and the heart.
As HER2+ can travel to the brain via the central nervous system - and I have mitral valve regurgitation (blood bouncing back from the second to first chamber of the heart), I am going ahead with the extraction.
I keep thinking of the work of Dr Weston Price, who injected the tooth of a rabbit with breast cancer into another and it died. I know some scientists have discredited his work but...I do wonder if there is a connection between breast cancer spread and the teeth.
Here's an interesting article that appears to look at the subject in a balanced way:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focal_infection_theory
It has certainly made me get dental problems sorted out pronto from now on!
Best wishes
Alice
0 -
After speaking to several drs about this they have agreed that inflammation can be a cause of bc. So they did advise me to get the teeth pulled asap ("it will make you sick") my surgeon said. Another dr explained that inflammation causes cytokines to be formed and those cause everything from cancer to heart disease. They think that excercize cuts recurrence because it reduces cytokines. There is also talk of aspirin helping since it reduces inflammation.
I have an arthritic knee. The inflammation worries me.
It also makes it hard to excercize.
Diabetes also increases inflammation and infections and that may be why diabetics get more bc.
So many possibilities.
I was also told that chemo cuts down on the amount of saliva and that increases the chances of dental problems.
I think fish cuts down on inflammation. Just had salmon for lunch! ;-)
Thanks for the link!
0 -
I wonder if the decrease in estrogen, which can certainly affect bones, could also effect teeth, which are very similar.
Back in the 1950s, my mom was seemingly unable to get pregnant. There was a notion at that time that bad teeth could cause infertility. She had terrible teeth, and had all but 6 of them pulled. The next year she got pregnant, and three years later got pregnant again. Don't know if there was ever a connection proven, but she was happy to have two daughters even if it meant having a mouthful of dentures in her mid-30s.
0 -
That is a very interesting story about your Mom!
They still have a lot to learn about this disease.
0 -
Good morning -
Sure is quiet on this thread. I sincerely hope that's because people are finding their footing, rather than locking themselves in the bedroom and hiding under the duvet. I've done both, by the way, and am accepting the good days and bad days that are part of my life.
I'm having a pretty good run, but my pendulum now swings wider that it ever did before my daignosis. Higher highs, and lower lows. I'm sure I'll crash at some point, and will allow for that possibility, as well as knowing that crashing is as much a part of the process as is crawling out of the hole.
Rabbit - you started this thread a year ago. Thank you so much. Because of you and the other fabulous ladies here, I've learned so much and have felt the comfort and support of a stong and generous sisterhood. It is wonderful to come to a place where nothing is abnormal, and small victories are recognized as the huge victories they actaully are.
I've also learned that falling apart did not destroy us - in fact, there is a purity and self discovery in the rebuilding process that is quite precious to me. And I don't use the word never. As in 'I will never crawl into the dog bed with Jed, and sob my eyes out.' Of course I will! That is my life.
There is a song by Leonard Cohen called Anthem, and in it is the line 'There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in'. And I think that by being cracked wide open like a bunch of eggs (by a very f*cking harsh spoon) there is the possibilty of inviting more spirit and strength into our lives. My inner warrior may have desserted me in the toughtest of times, but I've since been able to arm myself with a different variety of tools.
Anyway - I'm just checking in. It's been a real privelage sharing the last year with everyobdy. Happy Easter.
Janet
0 -
i like that Leonard Cohen line. Thank you.
Lately I feel a bit off kilter. Just not myself. I've changed. That's why I like that line, maybe some good can come from the change.
Happy Easter everyone, the time of rebirth.
0 -
I am nearly at diagnosis anniversary and feel just horrible, physically and emotionally, i just do not want to be here anymore - i am not me anymore and another summer of looking at beautiful people on and a round the beach all the time while i feel sooo abnormal and ashamed fills me with dread...nothing reaches me anymore.......just nothing
0 -
Lilly55 -
Why are you ashamed?
0 -
I don't know but i am. - it feels so personal and i dread people finding out.....and i feel deep shame about it
0 -
Lilly55-
I can't imagine what it must be like to feel shame on top of the big pile of all the other stuff you have to go through.
But I do know what it's like not to 'feel like me' anymore. Not long ago I felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes and in someone esle's body. It took a while for my brain and my body to come together and it was a long slow process that I thought would never end. There was a lot of crying in my car, and a lot of going to places where I could go to be alone because it was too hard to be with other people. And I certainly couldn't explain why I felt the way I did - and I was too exhausted to justify my actions. I just wanted to be by myself. It was so much easier.
But I remember you saying you were up and down like a yo-yo. I sort of went through the same thing but it's all relative. I guess it depends on how deeply you fall, and how long you stay there, and whether or not you can find balance. You said that you 'don't want to be here' - so it sounds like you're having a really really rough time. I'm so sorry you feel that way.
Your treament and it's side effect are indeed personal, but absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. Lily, you didn't do anything to ever deserve this. You didn't do anything wrong, and you should never feel judged, because nobody has the right to judge you. Absoutely nobody.
You think you're abnormal? Well - maybe you are, but then that goes for everybody else on the planet. Normal is just a uniform we strive to wear but everybody is faking it. Whather it's a scar, or a mental issue, or a missing body part, or a disease, or a painful past - everybody's got something. Everybody who has been alive for a while, is broken, or decrepit, or a a little bit crazy, or totally nuts.
I remember being on an airplane, and watching people boarding. There was a gorgeous woman walking down the aisle, with her little carry on bag and a stack of papers. I remember thinking how well dressed and composed she seemed compared to everyone else. But then she stopped and started screaming. And her files went everywhere, and two stewardesses had to calm her down and get her out of the aisle where she was clinging to the back of chairs. (So much for her good composure). But I remember realizing that I'd witnessed watching someone going inside out in a matter of seconds. And she had a 'thing' that she probably carrried around with her that was well masked under her perfect suit. Maybe it was a panic attack - I will never know. But to me she was niether normal nor abnormal beucase neither really exists.
But it's important that you feel acceptance on the inside - and that you know that you belong wherever you happen to be. No matter what. And that you have hope.
And if you can't feel that hope - well, maybe it would be good to speak to someone who can give you some. You said that you're working with kids - so hopefully they are bringing some joy to your life. But perhaps a therapist could help you out? Nobody should ever have to go through what we've been through, and we need a whole lot of tools to help us through.
I really hope you feel better
Janet
0 -
Lily, I hope you can get out of that bad place, because that really is a bad place. Please ask for whatever help you need. I know all this sucks big time, but we do have the example of others who have gone before us who tell us that it does get better. That can be hard to remember sometimes -- and other times it doesn't even mean a hill of beans to us when we are deep in the pits.
I'm at my mother's house and managed to find an unsecured wireless signal, so I'm not sure when I will be able to get back on here. Still, I encourage you to write here or PM me. I promise I will read and reply whenever I am able to get a signal or when I get home next week.
I leave you with a cyber hug. ((( Lily ))) I know it doesn't compare to the real thing. Gosh, with the real thing, we would hug and then start crying and we'd probably cry a good long time and hold on real tight the whole while -- and then maybe, when we stopped crying, we would feel whole again.
I'm sending love and healing wishes to all of you.
0 -
Really good, insightful posts.
Lily, no one can tell you what to feel. I can say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't feel ashamed of this, but lots of other things! lol But I think the worst feeling in the world is being told that you "shouldn't" feel what you do. I hope the feeling goes and quickly. As Janet says, everyone has their own problems, and appearances lie.
Still, it's a difficult time. I don't understand what's going on anymore than anyone else. You struggle to live and then life is a struggle. It all feels wrong to me.
Do you have emotional support? That makes a big difference I think. I think at the beginning of this journey I had a lot of support, People dropped everything. It helped. But understandably, now people go back to their lives and it's up to me to rise to the occasion. Sometimes I can and sometimes not and I'm trying very hard to accept. Accept the new normal. Accept how I feel. Accept everyone else. And it ain't easy. I hope time will sort things out.
And I hope you too find the strength to accept.
0 -
Hi Lily
If you look at my signature you'll see I was diagnosed just three months before you - and I remember how I felt in January 2013. It does get better - promise!
Did you find that while you were in treatment you just focused on getting through it? I did. It's only recently that I've been a bit up and down, a bit sad and a bit angry and yelling at my dearest relatives and then feeling very sorry and apologising.
Getting used to our new appearance does take a bit of time but even our appearance will change again once our hair has grown back fully and we decide whether or not to have reconstruction or make peace with our flexible friend!
The good news is, it does seem to wear off the further one gets from the end of treatment. I'm still on the Herceptin but can see the July 2013 finishing line and can't wait.
Really hope you're feeling brighter today.
I plan on going internet dating later in the year. Looking forward to that!
Love
Alice
0 -
Hi Rabbit43
I am wondering how you are feeling now, a year on from your original post.
Are you feeling better? What do you think helped you the most?
Gai
0 -
Going to try Lexapro, as suggested by my PCP. I just can't keep trying to push away anxiety like this.
0 -
PS rabbit 43- I reread your post and it captures so much of what a lot of us feel, I bet.
0 -
Hi Alice - thanks for your great reply - yes i was focused on treatment and survival before although i refused chemo, and now i am still struggling with everything being different, all relationships, me, everything - living here does not help as there is zero support.....and i do mean zero, not even a nurse to talk to......
I was diagnosed with ptsd and only recently found a therapist who is a long way away so we need to do it vía skype......
I feel SO old on femara and hurt in so many joints despite Huge efforts to stay fit......
How are you doing?0 -
Havent post for awhile. I went to both of my mental drs today and we talked about this very subject. One of the drs says every female in her family has BC and none of them died of BC. She has an aunt who got it about age 40, its spread to shoulder, they fixed it and now she is 85, not healthy but not from BC. My SIL got BC at age 45, no rad or chemo. She is now 85 and in nursing care however nothing to do with BC. When I guestioned her about how long it took to lose the fear, she said after 5 years she didnt think of it anymore. Usually when I get upset about BC, its because something else is wrong in my life. When I look at my breasts I see things that are problably not there. My daughter is problaby sick of looking at them to see if they look weird. Seems like you can go for days then it pops its ugly head up again. I am counting down to the five year mark and hoping for the cure. Let me add that during treatment I seemed happy, treated it like a social situation, laughed and joked. Felt so very safe, that feeling is gone.
0
