Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Hiya friends,
Had my second counselling session today. I mainly sobbed through it. She spoke of the tendancy for women to blame themselves when they get a dx of bc.....I know I have done/do do that. Anyone else??
They have come up with a 'programme' which includes any number of 'therapies' Reiki, Indian Head Massage, Acupuncture, and surprisingly Belly Dancing!! The nurse thinks that nutritional therapy and Homeopathy are good places to start. Not sure what I think of 'alternative stuff'
But it's all free and it will get me out of the house and I can claim my fares, so I thought I might continue and give it up if it doesn't help.
I don't know, I just keep thinking I can swing from a tree whilst wearing an assortment of clothing, reading James Joyce, eating only fish and small peaches, and not standing on the cracks in the pavement (sidewalk) .... I can do all that and more, but 'it' still might come back. Or repair the trauma that I have gone through.
She offered to see my son too, but as a teenager I think he will take one look at her dangly earrings and think 'no way!' lol
But I will ask him
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Oh you made me laugh! Laughter is the best.
Yes, I blamed myself... a lot. Even though my mother had it. I skipped a year and didn't go for my mammo. They said every other year was ok and even though I knew that made no sense, who wants to go?
I didn't excercize and eat right, yada yada yada. We're told all of the time that we have control over our fates, if we just do the right thing. I suppose there is "some" truth to that but a lot is out of our control anyway. But still, we blame ourselves.
I went to the second counseling session with my husband yesterday. We walked in ok and I walked out a mess.
I think they can do a LOT of damage. Couldn't sleep. Now we're barely speaking. I feel as though I'm trying to get this stranger to understand 44 years of marriage. An impossible task. And he's giving advice! And it's skewed.
I don't believe in "alternative" medicine. Alternative means untested and unscientific. Snake oil. No good. What killed Steve Jobs. If there was any proof of effectiveness it would be called "medicine".
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I was wondering how you are WS - i would not call those alternative treatments but complementary pampering, with good anecdotal support and in China they operate using avupuncture instead of anaesthesia so it must work!!
I cried a lot at first and was not sure but my therapist is now a rock for me to anchor to0 -
Hi ladies......I have been very concerned about Dunelseeper, I hope she is just enjoying the summer. But she has not posted for quite sometime. I have sent her e-mails and phoned her and left a message, but to no avail. Does anybody have any info they can share.
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I'm also very skeptical of alternative medicine. There is no sound science behind homeopathy. Herbs are chemicals in their most raw form, and just like any medicine, they can be beneficial or toxic or have side effects.
OTOH, I think diet, exercise, meditation, and relaxation can be very effective. So belly dancing, yeah! And although I did not find reiki too be any help, some people find it beneficial. And there is some evidence that both acupuncture and acupressure can be helpful in alleviating symptoms.
It took some time to process, but I think the counseling session with my husband was a good thing. He said a lot of hurtful and scary things, but I think he also needed to get them off his chest. We talked through a lot of it about a week later. He has been a bit warmer towards me since then, and once I got past my own anger, I feel a bit calmer.
As far as self-blame, I've done my share of that. I think back on every night I had too much to drink, every plate of fettucine alfredo, every stress-filled job. Then again, Steve Jobs was a vegan. Fat lot of good it did him.
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A
And Paul Mcartneys' wife. I really glad to hear the therapy is helping. I too get really furious hearing what he has to say. It's always much worse than I imagined. Not that he says such mean things but such twisted things.
I spent the entire night fantasizing about getting "a room somwhere, far away from the cold night air (of him)".
If I had the means I'm not sure that I would be here. If stress kills, he's killing me.
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BTW, in the second session, when I told him I'd taken his adivce and become more assertive he said something to the effect of "oh, so now you only care about you?" Then he turned to my husband with empathy and said "She's asking you to make big sacrifices". OMG! I felt like killing them both. After months of the therapist's support, now he's turned on me. I'm not sure they know what they're doing.
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Timbuktu, I was singing that song last night while I was making dinner. Weird!
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Winter, lots of ladies blame themselves. We want to find a reason for the cancer and if there is anything we've done to mess with our bodies (or not take care of them), bamm we can find fault. I think it was easier for me to simply remember that everyone has cancer cells in them at all times and by some weird combination of circumstances, ours turned on. I recall putting a lot of blame onto the doctors and their guidance (even when it was probably correct).
I used alternative therapies for years. Acupuncture helped with depression and also with a bad knee. I opted for fish oil over other types of prescriptions. I would never say to go all alternative with something like cancer itself, but with the healing process it sounds like a plan.
Timbuktu, a male therapist?? Unless he's gay, that's an oxymoron to me :-). I saw a male years ago, but it was only for individual counseling. I couldn't imagine seeing a guy for couples. My husband is funny in that during these last few years, every time things start to get real hairy, I will usually point out that if he looks at what is going on, the kids are pissed at him, I'm frustrated and he has no close friends whereas, the kids and I are doing fine and I have many friends... who has the problem? That helped turn him around a bit.
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That is really weird because I have not thought of that song in decades. It just suddenly seemed the perfect expression of my thoughts,
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Rockym, the therapist we've been going to is male. He's actually quite good. In fact, I think it would have been harder for my husband to talk to a woman, especially when the subject came to sex (or the lack of thereof). You could tell that the therapist was empathetic to his frustration!
I think in this case, though, the fact that he is a therapist employed by the breast cancer center is what made a huge difference. He sees couples like us all. the. time. For me, at least, it is actually comforting to know that other people are going through the same sh%& and this isn't just my personal inability to cope. Not as sure about my husband on that...I think he prefers to think that he is unique in the universe, and not just another BC spouse with textbook symptoms of caregiver burnout.0 -
cf, I think we're married to the same man.
Can I ask a question? Does speaking about the problems make you angrier?
I find that expressing my feelings and having them validated and then listening to my husbands altered view of reality just burns me up! It's one thing to have different needs and conflicting desires but to hear him describe how wonderful he is, well he is a creative artist. But sometimes I think he really BELIEVES that is how things happened. That's what kills me, So I wind up countering his account with facts and figures and by the end of it I can't stand to look at him!
It takes awhile for things to calm down. I think he's behaving better because he knows I will "report" to this guy.
So I suppose I should be happy, But so much is churning inside me!
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Rock, I was very close to my very loving father so it's natural for me to confide in a man. My mother was ...not easy.
When it was one on one with this therapist it was good. But now that my husband has joined us, you are right. I feel the male bonding thing going on and it's not good! When I complain that my husband works 24/7 and is never there for me the therapist gets this look on his face. He relates! The guy works long hours too. So yeah, it's tricky. You make a great point. B ut the good part is that I think my husband might "hear" a man better than woman. Last session was rough on me but at the end he told my husband "If you have to do something talk about it first. If you are sneaky, all of this work will have been for nothing." My husband nodded and seemed to hear. We'll see. If it works it will be worth everything.
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It's great your husbands are joining you altogether. I commend them for that. My husband and I would go, argue and bitch about our situation and then when the session was over we would go out for lunch. I suppose we were lucky that we didn't take it with us, but therapy brings out all the anger and resentment. The best thing that could happen is for each other to actually hear what the other person is saying and kinda "get it."
cfdr, it's hard (no pun intended) to have sex with a man who isn't giving you what you need. My husband acts like a child very often and sometimes the thought of sleeping with a child creeps me out. Sometimes it feels like I have another kid in the house along with my 15 and 11 year old and who that heck wants to have sex with their kid??? Not sure how many male counselors would get that one.
Timbuktu, my husband's reality was also very altered. The one good thing that came from our sessions was that she would make it clear that each person's perceptions are simply that... their perception. It doesn't mean that it's right, but that is how they see it. Of course we know our husbands are living in some alternate universe sometime :-).
BTW, I was also much closer to my father than my mom. When I was younger, I asked my mom if she and my dad still had sex. Her answer to me was I'll tell you when you tell me. I told her nothing. Later that week my dad came straight out and asked if my boyfriend and I were sleeping together. No bullshit, just a straight question. I answered yes and he asked if we were using protection and that it was time for me to have a gyn. checkup. Now that isn't the typical dad/daughter conversation. I miss him.
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Yikes! No way could I have that kind of conversation with my father! lol
I miss my father tremendously too,
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Timbuktu, you ask a very good question. Does talking about the problems make me angrier?
After our last session with the therapist, I mostly felt hurt afterwards. And afraid, because the stress of the last couple of years has strained my husband's commitment to staying married. I also got very angry during the session. I remember literally pounding the arm of the chair, ranting, about how I was tired of getting no credit how much effort I was making. The fatigue makes everything more difficult, yet I keep persevering, and all I was hearing was how my efforts fall short and make his life less fun.
The therapist advised us to wait before hashing through issues any further...to let things settle and percolate a bit. My anger continued to fester. There were days that I would be in the house alone and would actually shout at the walls in anger.
After a week or so we did talk some more. It didn't make things any easier...I believe I wrote here a few weeks ago about how he was seeing all my efforts towards learning and dealing with side effects as being "obsessed". The day after that conversation I was so depressed I could hardly function.
Oddly enough, though, all this awful painful talk seemed to have a positive effect in the long run. I practiced some cognitive reframing myself, as I faced the fact that just because I am having a tough time doesn't mean that he is not. I realized that it was better for me to hear just how hard this has been for him, than for him to pretend everything is fine, as he did all last fall, when he did actually come very close to leaving me. I also heard that under all the fear and doubt and frustration that he is having, part of his struggle is that he wants to be very much committed to our marriage, and that the doubts he is feeling are more self-doubts about his ability to cope than they are a rejection of me.
I also changed some of how I communicate with him. One of his complaints was never knowing what he'd come home to, and often getting an info dump about my ill health as soon as he got home. So now I email him so he knows in advance if I'm having a bad fatigue day. And I now ask--can I tell you something about my health (or something I researched, or what my doctor said, whatever), rather than telling him every little thing I learn about cancer-related fatigue or pernicious anemia or what have you. And I don't ask often. I figure he doesn't want to hear about that stuff any more than I want to hear about the details about how the Mets are doing.
He also seems more calm and accepting, and not as cold towards me. I think he really just needed to get a lot of that stuff off his chest.
Rockym, the sex issues don't actually have anything to do with my husband's behavior. Between menopause and letrozole, intercourse is physically difficult for me now. I've done physical therapy, moisturizers, relaxation exercises, etc., and we're back to having sex again, but it's clear that we will never again have *good* sex. And that causes its own stresses on the marriage. :-(
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cfdr - Your last post was very interesting. I like that your therapist said to wait, while things settle and percolate bit. When I'm slammed with a whole bunch of angry thoughts, or insults, I shut down and I have to let things simmer. I can't think when I'm still, so I need to walk and move and let the thoughts settle in with my routine before I can make sense of them.
Unfortunately, my partner is smarty-pants who thinks brilliantly on his feet and is highly articulate. He could talk all day - but all his talking doesn't include therapy. He has no interest in allowing a 'stranger' into our life.
Last summer I was in pretty rough shape emotionally, and we weren't getting along too well. Like Rocky, I felt that he was pretty childish - a lot of whining and complaining, about things I found very trivial. It was especially difficult because I made a point of not complaining, and forcing myself to keep moving forward even though I just wanted to climb under my duvet with an angel food cake and a bottle of wine.
I expressed my dissatisfaction to my girlfriends via email. I was catty & smug. And I bitched about his family, and all the things I had to do out of obligation. The nicest thing I said about him was that he is a hypochondriac , and it got uglier after that.
To make a long story short, he read them all. Months and months worth of high-school rants. I was away for the weekend, and he was backing up my computer, and he read everything. The next few weeks were a nightmare, and we almost split up, and then he came to me in the middle of the night and said he was sorry that he was so bad at listening that I was forced to turn to my friends.
That was a big move on his part because the things I said were cruel, and unfair, and to this day I am still deeply ashamed. But the things I said were also based on my own truths, and my point is that it's really good to get things out. And it's really good to hear the other person's side of the argument , and to learn their perspective. Even if it sounds like bullshit, at least you know what book they're reading from.
It sounds like therapy is having some impact on your and your husband, which is wonderful. When you wrote that he is 'less cold' to you I felt like crying. All these little breakthroughs are so important.
I really hope things continue to move forward
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cf, never say never. I really understand what you're saying. I relate to it all. But something in me somehow keeps hoping. I think not talking for a while might be a good idea. But at some point it seems that we should be able to talk about the sessions. It seems odd to just talk IN the session, Especially when so much is churning.
In a way it reminds me of the illness itself and the side effects of the treatments. The uncertainty. I need something to be solid and predictable and he just isn't. I don't know what's causing the physical pains. I don't know if there is cancer in me and today will be the day that it reappears. I don't know why I feel the way I do, physically or emotionally. So what I real need is for him to be solid and he's not. Life is out of control in so many ways. It's like a pinball machine. I just want some peace. But I am really very tired now, as I write this. I think, as you said fatigue does a number on me. We'll get through this one day at a time.
I was just watching "Everyone Loves Raymond". Have you ever watched that? I love it. Marie and Frank go at each other, they are always at each others throats. And then, in the next moment it's all gone. I think it's typical of a long marriage. Well, it's typical for MY long marriage,.hopefully others are more peaceful!
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Janet, I shudder to think about my husband hearing some of the things I've said/written about him! OTOH, maybe it would be good for him. I know for a fact that his daughters have some of the same issues with him that I do. But if I'm bitching to a girlfriend, I'm getting things off my chest, not balancing them with "But he has also been amazing, cooking gourmet meals week after week, and taking care of the yard, and we have so much fun sometimes". I also know that he had an online correspondence last year with an old girlfriend, that turned into secret dating and then a bit more. No way in a hundred years would I ever want to read what he wrote to her. I have no doubt that he bitched and moaned to her about me.
Timbuktu, I know what you mean about uncertainty. I've said about the fatigue that if it was just predictable--if, say, I zonked out every day by 3:00, or had to sleep 10 hours a night, but was otherwise OK--then I could plan my life accordingly and adjust. But I can have a series of great days (like I'm in right now), but then have a few days in a row when I can barely function. I am self-employed and am never sure how much work it's safe to take on at any one point.
How has your husband not been "solid" for you? Is it that he is changing, or simply that he isn't there for you to lean on?
One of the things my husband said was that he had no problem supporting me through treatment, and even thereafter, but it was the no-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel aspect of the last year that was hardest. If he knew I'd be like this another month or another year, that's one thing. But the thought of me being this way for the next 20 years gives him pause. The challenge for me was to realize that even though I'm not back 100%, I needed to look to ways to make life easier for him just as he has made it easier for me. So I make more of an effort to have sex, I cook dinner more, and don't share every little thing I learn about cancer, pernicious anemia, and sleep apnea.
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cfdr - That's right. He never heard the other side. He never got to read the parts where I said 'He's been amazing'. I told him that, but he couldn't hear through the hurt.
I had a jealousy issue once, with an ex-girlfriend of his, and the kindest thing he ever did was to let me talk, and pry, and express my feelings without ever cutting me off. He told me to 'ask anything for as long as you want', and he embraced me pettiness. It diffused things for me. I've tried to offer him the same curtesy, because the topic of bitchy emails still pop up from time to time.
On a good day I'll say all the right things. And on a bad day I'll say 'Well you shouldn't have read me email!'
But when it comes to BC and the Caregiver (sounds like the name of a band) I think it's definitely helpful to talk about it all no matter how uncomfortable. None of us signed on for it. And none of us are trained to be able to take it. And most men don't have buddies to turn to for venting, and nobody to hug them when they feel fragile. Meanwhile, I get lots of hugs, even from people I barely know. When it comes to dealing with Jim, I find that saying 'This has been really hard on you, hasn't it' is a pretty good start to a conversation. And I have to remember how petty he once allowed me to be, and not judge him on my own critera.
Also, I have a couple of gilfriends who have made a point to thank him for all he has done, and I could tell he really appreciated it.
And how about you? Do you still think about you DH's 'online correspendence?'
Janet
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I think both of you are amazing! At this moment I am watching Dr. Phil. He has a woman on who is complaining about the expense of her husband's liver transplant and Dr. Phil said "what if you got breast cancer?" Marriage is in sickness and health, better or worse.
I don't censor myself with my husband and I suppose I should. I believe in honesty above everything and of course I'm married to a compulsive liar. When someone lies and tricks they are not "solid". Just yesterday he got a paycheck and I was so relieved! We have thousands of unpaid bills sitting on our piano and every day I pass them again and again and worry! So when he got the checks I said "Fantastic! deposit them in our account right away!" He said "no. I'm putting them into my account." He has an individual account but the bills are made out on our joint account. I said "what are you doing to me? our credit is getting hurt, we're getting charged interest, and I'm worried sick!" His answer? "what are you doing to ME?" Huh? So he agrees and then he comes home. He didn't deposit them. Said he didn't have the account number. Sigh... This is par for the course. He will oppose and undermine anything and doesn't deal with reality. It's as though he loves the chaos. And it stresses me out. this goes on constantly so I never really know what is happening. This summer he refused to tell me the address of my daughter's school. He said I could look it up. You name it, he's my enemy. But you are right, he can turn on a dime and be an angel. A knight in shining armor. Which is wonderful. But again, so unpredictable!
He told me yesterday that the reason he wanted all money in his account was because he planned to retire in 5 years and he would sell his business and wanted to show the buyer how much income it produced. All news to me. He makes plans, constantly, by himself. He doesn't know he's married. And occasionally, if and when he's "caught" and fesses up, he feels like an angel for telling me the truth at last. The world stops with him. He doesn't realize that we're supposed to be a team.
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Timbuktu he sounds like a passive aggressive expert!! Boy you do NOT need this stress......he needs a dose of reality and to hear impact he has on you.....show him thearticle that stress increass cancer recurrence......j.eez i am spitting tacks here, wish i could spit them at him
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I've told him lots of times and his answer is "get off my case".
That's why we're in therapy. I think he will "hear" better when it comes from someone else. It shouldn't be that way but it is and I'm desperate!
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Janet, Timbuktu, Lily, cfdr, RockyM and others,
Hello Friends, just had a quick catch-up with where you are all at, boy do I know the husband/partner/ issues, - currently tied up with my ex being a complete a***e. I do get where you are all at/have been at. I really do.
I have not had a good day, got talking to some random guy on a train today, he was telling me about his travels - he has been everywhere in the last year - alone. It transpired that his wife had died of breast cancer about 18 months ago. Well, this really got to me, when I got home I sobbed in front of my son (age 15) and reminded him I did not know what might happen to me in the future. he went upstairs and told me he didn't want to talk about it. I then felt sooo incredibly gulity......
Tomorrow, I am off for my lymphodema check (I have it slightly) with lovely Nurse Lym-fat-arm-dema (lol).
Just thought I would quickly check in.
1:52 here in the Uk - gonna try to sleep.
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WS please dont feel guilty...its only natural and when we are trying to adjust to fears somehow we seem to only hear about people dying of cancer. One of my forum friends suddenly died mid treatment last christmas and that really shocked me as was totally unexpected......but these days i can hear of people with cancer and its just a momentary kick in the belly then i remind myself i am different to them........
if i can be so bold to say it i truly think you are too isolated, as i was, and beating yourself up......how is your counselling going? Can you share your tortuous thoughts there? That and this forum has really helped me.....can we help you more on here as you dont post that often?
What are they doing for your LE.? I have it slightly too but the male physio i saw once dismissed it as nothing and my regular phsio is not LE specialist.....
Touch wood after a huge showdown row where i sobbed for hours just repeating i cannot waste my remaining years in such a stressy relationship where i am lonely as hell my OH has been a lot better and making a big effort.....its lasted nine days so far!0 -
Lilly - Fingers crossed this will be Day 10 of your OH putting in some effort. Maybe the huge showdown is starting to pay off. This stuff is so hard, and you're right - you cannot spend time in a stressy relationship where you feel alone.
Not only can a bad relationship make you feel trap and/or abandoned, but it also closes the door to growth with other relationships. I've had a few girlfriends (lots, actually) of friends who've split and once the man is out of the picture, their days start to be filled up with friends and fun.
My parents were terribly mismatched. They had almost nothing in common except us girls and they tried their best to make it work. As if often the case, my dad was the fun one, and my mother was the shrew. To his credit, my dad really was a truly lovely man. Gentle, generous, funny, thoughtful, and I loved him dearly - he was one of my best friends.
I thought my mom was antisocial and mean. After my father died my mother started to rearrange her life. We were all grown and out of the house and she started to do things her way. She took up bridge and started to invite he new friends to the house. She accepted invitations for weekends away with her other widowed girlfriends. She's at water aerobics three times a week, and 'brisk walking' every Friday. Where once our fridge was filled with wine, and cheese and lobster tails, it is now filled with low-fat cottage cheese, hummus, and skim milk. She's 80 years old and has never been happier. Turns out she thrives when she has everything her own way - and I mean that kindly. (I'm kind of the same) I think you can only compromise so much, and then it starts to kill you. Finding a balance is crucial.
Wintersox - You have every right to feel terrified when you hear someone else's horror stories. I used to put my fingers in my ears at my oncologists office so I wouldn't hear the people talking in the room next door. Once I had to run out in the hallway.
Am I right in thinking you feel guilty because you broke down in front of your son? I don't know a friggin' thing about raising children, but I don't think you should feel guilty for having an honest human reaction. Sometimes reactions are inappropriate, but as long as they're honest, they can eventually be explained and understood. You seem like a very caring person, and you don't need to shoulder all responsibility for you kids reactions. I understand that he's dealing with a parental split, and a mom who's going through treatment for BC, but he's also a teenager, which is chaos all on its own.
Have you had round two with the therapist yet? Is it helpful?
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I have a solution for those of you who are a bit handy. I have LE of the breast and when it first happened I was a complete mess. I thought everything was done... treatment, doctors, etc. and then BAM... left breast looks like some foreign thing on my body. Anyway, went to PTs, RO, MO and BS and got NOTHING. I had to research it all myself and in the end I ended up using KT tape to move the fluid away from the breast. I can't say if it was time or taping, but my breast is almost symmetrical again. I would suggest if you have mild LE, buy the tape and give it a try. I wanted to find a pic with a good example for the arm, but I know I buy precut tape at CVS and I leave about a 3" tab where I put the tape on my back. I then cut the tape in half and then in fourths. When I put the tape on my breast, I fan it out so that each piece pulls a bit and the fluid flows in that direction. The tape also works as a lift for me since I put a strip under the breast too. The tape stays on for a few days (even in water).
I don't use it everyday, but I feel a bit empowered to be able to solve this on my own. I was in the LE forum for a bit, but I would hear more complaining and not enough fixing so I left. When I did actually mention that this tape could help, I had some posts telling me I could hurt myself. Really????? Moving the fluid away like the LE message teaches...please. So that is my tip. See pic. Oh ya... not my breast :-)
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THank you - is it any kind of tape and do you put it on lengthways or cross ways where the oedema is? Mine is in my under arm area but not the armpit....
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Lily, the tape is KT Tape and I think there is also another brand. Since you would probably do your massage from your side downward, I would assume the tape would be placed vertical and then perhaps fan out toward the groin. My LE is also on the side, but not armpit and toward the breast too. I used the pictures above as an example and then just kinda played with what seemed like the direction of lymph flow. Like I mentioned, mine has either gotten better from time or the tape, but the tape feels good, especially when it is still over 100 degrees where I am.
winter, my son is also 15 and I think it's good to cry in front of them. It gives them a chance to see we are more than parents, but regular people too. Some boys have compassion and others may seem to be lacking a bit, but if I cry in front of my kids, I try to explain what was up later. Sometimes they don't know how to react and by discussing it, when the heat of the moment is over, can help them understand the emotions better. My hubby is lacking in the empathy world, but I'll be damned if I raise my son that way.
I hardly tell my husband what hurts or bothers me because like all of you mentioned, it just feels like I'm complaining. I will usually talk with my girlfriends who have more compassion. I do have to say that hubby has been "asking" how I am these days. That's a change so I mention a thing or two and try to keep it brief.
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Lily, we had another session today. I told the therapist what he's been doing, how much it hurts me. The therapist tuned to my husband and asked how he felt when I talked like that. Naturally my husband said he felt attacked and defensive, as though he was being "dissected". The therapist turned to me and asked me to think about it, implying that the reason he lies to me is because he's afraid to tell me the truth.
It's 3 am and I can't sleep, I'm so upset! The therapist is giving me responsiblity for my husband's lies! I told him I won't accept that. He comes from a family of liars and has always lied. I used to think if I was only more loving, kinder, gentler, he would stop. Stupid!
The therapist is the one who told me to stop being so passive!!! It just takes my breath away how he can tell me that if I was nicer to him he wouldn't feel the need to lie. I'm disgusted.
A week on the Anastrazole and all of my muscles are cramping up.
I told the therapist that with all of the problems and uncertainties in my life I need a husband who was solid.
I never know what he's going to do next and that's just too much for me right now, or at anytime really.
My husband did surprise me though. The therapist asked what he thought of what I'd been saying and he my husband said "She's been very very hurt." I didn't expect that but it's the truth.
Maybe it is a man thing, they bond. They think they have the right to treat us like second class citizens, enemies even.
The more I focus on him the unhappier I am. I have to make a life of my own. The therapist wants us to have an ideal marriage. That can't happen with a liar.
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