Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Timbuktu, I've taken those online depression tests too. They are good for confirming "yes, I really do feel this bad". Just remember to take them next time you feel a bit better. I found it encouraging when I would retake them and see improvement.
Honeybair, I know what you mean about doctor appointments! Besides all the cancer stuff, I went through six bouts of physical therapy in 3 years, had weekly allergy shots, and then went on monthly B12 shots. There were weeks when I had some appointment or other almost every day. Not only did they take a chunk of time out of my schedule, but then I'd be tired from driving. Now I'm done with PT, stopped my allergy shots after 6 years, and next month the nurse is going to train my husband to give me my B12 shot. I am looking at the possibility of an entire MONTH! maybe TWO! without a medical appointment. Something I have not had now for nearly 7 years.
I hope all my fellow Americans (I sound like Nixon when I say that!) had a happy Thanksgiving. Here's a link to a column by a writer I adore; he reprints this column ever year with slight updates and variations. I think he really captures what is special about this holiday:
http://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/carroll/article/A-song-of-thanks-a-grat-etude-5017700.php0 -
I just saw Cokie Roberts on TV. she seemed great. Energetic, clear headed, upbeat. I remember seeing her after she was treated for breast cancer. I thought it was all over for her. She was so tired, depleted, foggy. She couldn't keep up with the conversation. She looked as though she'd been traumatized. So good to see her looking and acting her old self again!0 -
Timbuktu - Wow, that's a major step asking for a separation. It takes a lot of guts. But if you know that you want to live on your own, and that's the thing that makes your happy, it's the right desicion. Being petrified just goes with the territory.
Someone on another threaded posted an article about a book written by a palliative care nurse. She listened to her patients talk about the things they regret the most in their life. Number 1 was not being true to yourself. There was also regret about letting friendships slide, working to hard, and not expressing oneself.
I think that dealing with cancer puts things into priority. Like reshuffling a deck of cards. It certainly has helped me set up better boundaries and not fall into the trap of doing things that I want to do. Because I say 'no' more often, I feel overall less resentful. And because I'm not always giving my time away, I do things that are good for me, and that makes me feel kinder. I also set up more boundaries with Jim (my partner). I've always been a people pleaser so compromising for me is a double edge sword. It comes easily, but it doesn't make me happy. And lately I've been trying to put my happiness first, instead of thinking of someone else's. And - I've learned to say no without expecting a fight or a conflict. I'm not torn about being obient. I feel like I can very calmly say, 'No, and here's why'.
I read a really great book called 'The Tyranny of Niceness'. (Dr. Evelyn Sommers) Here's how it's described, 'Through her stories and analysis, we see that letting go of niceness, without being ruse or uncivil, means a new way of relating to others and a new honesty with oneself'. I read it last year and read paragraphs about people that could have been me. I cried with recognition. Especially because the traits she described were ones that I thought made me a good, were actually not making me good at all. By telling people 'Sure we can do that!', when you mean something else, means nobody knows where you stand.
I spent the last couple of years figuring out what it is that I need, and now I'm learning how to say those things out loud, and calmly defend my choices.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but I'm thinking a lot about 'asking for what you need' and not living in stressful environments. Sometimes we can change those environments, an other times we just have to leave. But it's also very hard to set boundaries when you're feeling stressed or fragile. I spent last year thinking, and reacting, and feeling very much like I couldn't relate to anybody, but these days I'm feeling really good. But realizing that I still need work, I'm trying to put these things into practice.
When I said that I was going to divorce Jim, I meant it at the time. I have days where I feel that being alone is the only thing I can handle. But those days are less and less frequent. I reread my last long-ish post and realized I may not have got my point across (It's getting harder these days!). What I wanted to say was that I had a total shit day. I'd been saying how well I was doing and then the bottom fell out and I wanted to crawl under a rock. Or, kill somebody. BUT - I didn't have that panic in my stomach, or wonder what was happening to me. I didn't feel like I was sliding down a glass wall with nothing to hang on to. And that is a relatively new development. There was a time - not long ago - where I'd feel sick with dread and confusion. But I knew what was happening to me. I was having a f*cking awful emotional day, and I was at the bottom of the roller coaster. But I also new it was temporary, and that I was still relatively sane.
I agree with Lilly. It's HORRIBLE to feel the way you do. Detached, depressed, and scared. I'm so sorry you feel that way. You mentioned a good friend is suggesting meds, and someone to talk to. What do you think about that? Sometimes the people we trust are good at recognizing what we need. Depression sucks. I don't know much about medication, but I'm a big believer in finding people who will help you sort out your feelings. I saw a therapist years ago and it turned things around for me. I also believe in getting out of unhappy relationships. Marital and otherwise. And we have to do things in spite of being scared. I really hope you can work towards whats best for you. How are things for you today?
Janet0 -
Timbuktu,
I have called time on my relationship too.
Too tired tonight to explain. I hope you are ok.0 -
Such kind people here. Yes "nice". What's wrong with "nice"? lol We need more of it! But I understand perfectly what you are saying.
Sometimes "nice" costs too much.. Sometimes "nice" means doormat to others,
I'm having another lousy day. The word that jumped out at me from your very insightful post was "calmly". Asking calmly for what you want is the challenge. I am not calm. I feel downright shaky. I've been bleeding for almost 3 weeks and I have to wait another week to see the dr I will call Monday to see if she can move the app up, I don't feel well. I feel tired. Stressed. I sleep and sleep.
How can I leave him? He's my whole lousy life! We have little money to split. And what if I'm sick again and really need help? How can I be alone? I have no one. No brothers, sisters, cousins. My kids are into themselves. There's only him.
I'm sorry, I'm on the verge of tears and really having a hard time. My son wanted to name his new baby after my father. It's a long story but I couldn't believe he was seriously considering it. I thought he might be trying to please me and I wanted him to know that it was ok not to name him that. My son got very upset and called his father. His father got very angry at me. So my son named his son something else and I feel awful.
It's a no win situation. Sometimes it just seems that way with everything.
So now my son is angry at me and not calling. I shouldn't have said anything, i would have gotten used to the pain of calling him by my father's name. I can't think straight right now.
A friend from 30 years ago keeps in touch with me on facebook. We used to have babies together, spend the days together. She told me that she always thought I was a little scared of my husband, I tried so hard to please him. He was so controlling. I didn't see it then. I see it now. Not a thing has changed except for the knowledge that I threw my life away in a miserable marriage. I feel very stuck.0 -
Lily, I stopped taking the Anastrazole on the 20th. So far the only improvement is in my ankles, not my mood but I'll see what happens, I know it has a horrible effect on my mood. But then so does life!0 -
I just looked up side effect of xanax. I've been taking it lately. Depression, drowsiness and a whole boatload of other things I've been feeling are side effects! Something to watch out for!0 -
Janet, beautifully written as usual. I know what you mean about boundaries. DH and I are living in a crapstorm at the moment and I didn't feel like spending Thanksgiving at my SIL's brother's house, making small talk and acting like a normal person. DH and I ordered a turkey meal from Whole Foods and enjoyed a relaxing day at home. Of course, we have tried contacting SIL twice, no response. I start therapy on Tuesday.0 -
timbuktu it took about a month before i started noticing i felt a little brighter after two months i felt more like myself xx.0 -
Thanks Lily. Thing is, the bleeding is increasing. I'm afraid to stay off of anastrazole for too long if it's related to the bleeding.
I do feel a little calmer today for some reason, Still life seems to be damned if you do or damned if you don't.
Jeannie, I'm glad you took care of yourself on Thanksgiving. Husband and I are in therapy, have been for months and months,
A lot comes out, But the big one for me is that it's my role to suck things up. I can't feel or take care of my feelings,
Just suck it all up. That's the basis of the marriage and it's why I implode. Shrink says i have every right to express how I feel.
So things are a mess! lol0 -
Timbuktu - 'Sometimes nice costs too much'. I love that. I'm going to write that one down and carry it around with me.
Jeannie - Two thumbs up on the relaxing day at home. I've been reading about your crap storm on the other thread, and a calm day with Whole foods and the hubby sounds perfect. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Nothing worse than having to make small talk and fake merriment when you'd rather be someplace else. I used to dread people saying 'What's new? ' or 'How's it going". I can only imagine how your must be feeling these days. I'm thinking about you.0 -
I read a book a few years back that was really helpful for my mood issues, Feeling Good by David Burns. It's based on cognitive therapy, which teaches you to challenge your thoughts. For instance, I would think "I'm such a loser" and learn to challenge that thought be reminding myself of all the ways in which I'm not a loser. Or "I know my husband is going to be upset if I spend all day on the sofa" and recognize that in order to know that, I would have to read his mind. It's a very practical technique...no deep therapy about how your mother treated you or what your inborn temperament is or anything like that. Just tools to use every day.
I've been meditating lately, about 30 minutes a day, and I'm amazed at how much calmer I am. I'm bad at meditating, my mind is wandering the entire time, but I guess that's the point...to notice how much the mind wanders and train myself to pull it back. It doesn't make sense to me that doing this in the morning would make a difference all day, and yet it seems to do so. I've read that for decades but I guess I never really believed it would work.
I've never suffered much from being "too nice", but I did need to learn to set say no to my husband on some things. We like to do very different things recreationally, and he has no problem saying no to me if I invite him to go for a hike or watch a video. So in order to spend time together, I was doing things with him that I didn't enjoy. The worst is that, at almost 60, he still likes to go out to clubs and hear music. Those days are over for me. I don't enjoy standing around for 2-3 hours, listening to a really loud band, and then taking two days to recover from getting to bed past midnight. So I've stopped accompanying him to do things that just exhaust me. [LOL...he just came in the room and complained about how tired he is, and why can't he be functional before 10am after being out past midnight?? I told him it's because he's OLD.]
Janet, I know what you mean about feeling bad, but not panicking about it. Realizing that something is temporary makes a huge difference. I used to get killer migraines, but I knew that the pain would dissipate some time around 8:00 at night, so I just suffered through it. And we all know that chemo was easier to deal with than the aftermath, the "is this ever going to end?" feeling that brought us all to this forum.
Timbuktu, really hope things turn around for the better...the bleeding is certainly worrisome. I wish your husband would shape up.
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Hi everyone,
I have been following the thread the past few days and wanted to send my love and support to all of you.
Timbuktu, it sounds like you have so much going on, both physically and emotionally. Which for me is usually linked. What I find helps in these situations is sort of creating a list of priorities so I don't add "feeling out of control" to the list. Even though that is I think what is on all of our post-treatment list anyway.
For example, first priority is tending to your bleeding symptoms and concerns regarding your medications and SE's. Then once that is sorted out deal with the roller coaster ride your marriage is on.
Just my advice - this helps me when I have so much on my plate.
I just got the results of my cervical and thoracic MRI and they didn't find any real findings related to my spine (some spurs, arthritis and other "normal" middle-age stuff) but they found a 9mm left thyroid nodule that the test results say I should have follow up on and they found multiple cyst on my kidneys and liver.
I have an online health service through my hospital so I can sometimes view my test results before I even hear from the doctor who ordered it.
I leave tomorrow for Brazil so feel a bit anxious that any follow up has to wait two weeks, but, I also suspect that if there was any great concern about these findings I would have been contacted. Although with the holiday last Thursday and being tested late Tuesday night who knows.
Anyway, I am not changing any plans to go away. I need to spend time with my new grandbaby. So far this fall he has been my best medicine.
I can not tell you ladies how much I appreciate having found you and having this place to come to and feel completely safe with my fears, the ups and many downs of post-treatment and even daily life problems we can share.
I leave tomorrow for Brazil but I am bringing my computer because I can't imagine being without this lifeline for two weeks.
Wishing you all the best. Timbuktu - I hope to see that you have gotten some answers this week on your bleeding.
Janet, Lily, Jeannie, cfdr, wintersocks and all the rest...thank you again for your post.
Sending love and support,
Julieho0 -
thanks to all of you. I have not been up to replying. Just trying to be calm. I have a party to go to tonight, I said my husband was coming. Every year, every party same thing. I don't want to be with him. This is why I don't make many commitments, I never know where our relationship will be, even a week in advance,
Julie, I love your idea about prioritizing.. that rings a bell with me. I'm a list maker. Always helped to make me feel in control.
I'm laughing at myself. When I was younger I had some sense of control over my life, But husband took that away. The entire time I was in chemo (6 months), to help get me through, I talked to him about what we would do when it was over. Should we move first or travel first? Where should we go first. It was a wonderful way to feel some control and have something to look forward to, My daughter would be graduating college soon so we'd have a little extra money to make our dreams come true. He'd smile and nod and and agree. Then, when we picked up my daughter from school, I said to him, on seeing all of the graduates, "look, next year that is Sarah!" He just smirked and said "maybe". I was confused. I said "why not?" He just smirked. Sarah got in the car and I said the same thing to her "next year that's you!" She said "no, I'm going an extra year!" I looked at my husband in horror. "You lied? You knew?" He smirked. I went berzerk. Didn't want to do that to my daughter. Kept telling her it wasn't her fault. But he knew all the time that "the plan" could not happen. Since that time I have planned nothing. I can't. But I have to try for myself, in small ways, to set my own priorities. I just can't let him know, Living with your worst enemy is HELL. Daughter should be graduating THIS June.0 -
Timbuktu - I know you said you're petrified of being alone. But I think it's worth a try. At least you know that you'd be able to KNOW you were coming home to a calm place, and you could start making plans. Even if you're plan was to make toast and watch TV. If you truly hate him, you should leave. Time to take control. Being scared is okay. Being miserable is not.0 -
Strange coincidence. My daughter missed her bus back to school so my husband offered to drive her. Three hours each way and he started out at 8 PM. I can't tell you how relaxed I feel! It's as if every muscle in my body had finally relaxed. But then I can feel the bleeding and I wonder what would happen if I was alone and the bleeding didn't stop? It's the whole problem in microcosm. I do love this feeling of having him gone. But I do worry about it.Whew! "A calm place", exactly. I've never lived alone. Got married at 19. Never went away to school.0 -
Marriages can be rough, but living with your worst enemy is a different story. Maybe you were just saying that out of anger...but if that's really how you feel about him...then maybe getting away from him is indeed the best plan. Even if just for a while, to see how it feels to be apart.
I had to use all my cognitive reframing resources last night, and some extra meditation this morning to calm down. My husband said something that really hit a nerve. It was something trivial; I talked about how I'd like to put up some outdoor Christmas lights, and he said how if I want to do so, that's fine, but he didn't want any part of it, and he was really pissy about it. I asked why he sounded angry, and he said that even though I was offering to do all the work, he "knew" that meant that he would end up having to do it all. He has always been helpful and generous with his time and help, and now I feel like he's resented it all along. It's a real issue for me to not be able to "pull my weight", and sometimes he lets slip that he resents it, too.
Where I have to keep my mind from spinning out of control is that it led me to thinking that he would be better off if I had not survived cancer. He would inherit all my retirement money, plus my inheritance from my mom, he wouldn't have to pay for all my medical bills and insurance premiums, which would be enough of a cushion for him to retire now. Then he could go find some younger woman with a fully functioning vagina who would enjoy staying out until 2am listening to loud music.0 -
Hi Everyone
I've been following the thread and a lot is going on. First, Timbuktu - I agree with Julieho you need to focus on your health issues before everything else. No wonder you feel so hellish - you feel awful. You have to be worn out and it takes its toll on everything else. Please put yourself first and worry about the rest of it all later. I know that's easier said than done but you really have no choice. Trying to deal with the marriage issues right now is just depleting your precious little energy. Save that energy for yourself. I do agree with Janet, too, being alone might just be easier than being miserable.
Next we are back in Canada from the US for Thanksgiving. It wasn't the worst Thanksgiving but it wasn't the best either. It just was. Fighting kids, mixed up hotel rooms, and crazy elderly parents. I was relieved when we pulled out to come home. I hate saying that but it was true. When we got home, I was worn out and the dark thoughts about recurrence and dying came back again. My husband convinced me it was time to go back on the Wellbutrin and just enjoy life again. I had gone off and it was good for a little bit but when the stress hit - it went all wonky again. So I'm a druggie again! I started them yesterday and it was a better day - probably just knowing it was in my system helped. I spent a lot of time with my girls yesterday - we went to the store, wrapped their brother's present, they helped stuff Christmas cards and then we read. My son was on a decorating run - and I didn't freak out once!
Today I managed to get up and have a half-way decent morning so far. Kids and I are fed and dressed and leaving for school soon. I am going to French (the class ends this week for the holidays) and then coming home to work out and do some Christmas cards.
I guess there is some trick to the meds. I told my husband that I am trying really hard to get over this bump and he told me that he understood - he thinks about it coming back all the time too. He told me that everyone said this would be the toughest year and we are finding it to be exactly as they said. Last year was busy with treatment and staying alive. This year is about learning how to live again and it's a lot harder than you think it would be. But there is no choice.
Timbuktu - I am thinking about you a lot. Please take care of yourself and should you need to talk please don't hesitate to PM me. I'm around a lof the day and check my messages all the time.
Hugs
Robin0 -
HHcats, thanks for your kind thoughts and sensible attitude. You are so right about the health issues. We went to therapy today and it was awful. It left me in tears and heartbroken and angry. It's sounds as though you have a really caring husband. I don't know if you can even realize what you wrote, How he cares about your stress, how he worries about the cancer coming back. All I get is blame and condemnation and it's unbearable. Truly. The bleeding continues and it almost feels like a metaphor for everything else. We had a horrible fight tonight and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. Of course he's fast asleep. Last night when he was driving our daughter to college I went to bed so peacefully. i considered going to a motel tonight just so I could feel safe and calm. But the physical stuff will follow wherever I go,
I feel great as long as I'm out of here and with other people. I wish he didn't effect me this way but he does.
He'll go to work in the morning and I'll heave a sigh of relief,
But you are right, ican't give all of this too much energy. Absolutely right. I told him I wanted to quit therapy, it's not helping. But he wants to continue. I don't know what he's getting out of it but it feels strange to tell him to stop when he wants to make things better. Supposedly.
I tried to move up the dr app but they are all booked so next Monday is the first date i can see the dr. I keep hoping the bleeding will stop by itself. It does for awhile and then it comes back.
Maybe a motel isn't such a bad idea,now that i think of it. It would be a mini vacation. A respite from the tension here.
After over 40 years of marriage we have so much baggage! All I want is a friend, someone who is for me instead of against me.
But I can't expect that from him. I have lots of friends who I love and enjoy being with. I think that will have to suffice for now,
Thanks for being so caring everyone.
Are you sure wellbutrin is ok? My dr said only effexor, celexa or lexapro are ok with AI's. Maybe you're not on an AI?
AI's sure are depressing!
Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's kindness.0 -
cf,in therapy we discussed, some weeks ago, who he opposes me at every turn and scapegoats me. The shrink thought it must happen in other areas and we explored how and why he opposes everyone, although most of all the person closest to him, me. I thought we were making some progress. Then today he denied the whole thing! I could not believe my ears. He said that he was experiencing Stockholm syndrome as he was beginning to believe me. The shrink said nothing. This is how it's always been. Just when I think we're getting somewhere, he goes right back to square one and denies everything. As Dr. Phil says "You can't change what you don't acknowledge".
So he tries really hard to be sweet in certain ways. He did the dishes, offers to cook dinner etc. I told him tonight, "thank you I appreciate it but that's not what I need from you." It's sad really because I don't think he's capable of giving what I need and I just can't be happy without it. Respect, kindness, caring, empathy. i'll do the dishes for a little of that! Although I suppose he thinks that doing those things translates into kindness and in a way they do.
cf, i often think of how much better off everyone would be if I was gone. That's exactly how I feel.
Tomorrow will be a better day, I think I'll stay out of the house and as far away from all this that I can,
Escape...it's a good thing!0 -
Hi everyone...
Timbuktu...my heart just aches for you. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I agree with Julieho and those that have suggested focusing on your health and getting some answers for the bleeding and any other symptoms and SEs you are experiencing. Once that is figured out, you may find more peace and energy to deal with everything else. As for your home situation, I also agree that you can't continue to live the way you have been. It's not living. You have worked hard to overcome a lot of obstacles and deserve to live without the burdens you are carrying. I know you are concerned about being alone, but is life better with or without him? You have not thrown your life away as you suggested in an earlier post. The very fact that you are evaulating your options means you are hoping things improve. I agree that living in misery is not o.k. It is miserable to feel they way you do. I think we have all felt it to some extent or we would not be on this board. I pray that you find peace. Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time.
Wintersocks...you o.k.? Your last post was short but sounded like a lot was going on. Write when you can.
Janet...I suffer from the "niceness" curse, too, and my recent life experiences have taught me that it's o.k. to ask for what I need or tell people I don't need what they are dishing out. It's quite liberating. I'm sorry you had a bad day awhile back and hope things are looking up. From your last posts, it sounded like things are definitely better. I'm glad about that.
Jeannie57...your Thanksgiving sounds like it was lovely!
cfdr...that Feeling Good book sounds good. I think I'll try to find it. I like the simple things you learned from it. I hope things have gotten better from your last post. I am a champion at letting my thoughts spiral out of control and need to work hard to keep them in check and/or reign them back in.
Julieho...hope you are enjoying that little grandbaby in Brazil. I can imagine that he makes you forget any lingering sadness or worries.
HHCats...hope today is a good day, too, after the craziness of the holiday. Your descriptions about the year of treatment and the year following it are right on. I just wish someone had warned me...lol! It sounds like you have a great support system which I know is very helpful, particularly on those dark days.
Love to everyone on this thread. You are a beautiful group of women and I love to see the support and kindness when "one of our own" is hurting.
Rabbit0 -
Rabbit - things are going much better here. My husband looked at me during Thanksgiving and said don't let yourself get so stressed. When you said you allow your thoughts to spiral out of control - that's me too. Then I get wrapped up in the thoughts instead of just starting someplace and doing something. I have to work on these things.
I had a good day yesterday because I did what I like - I went to French, I worked out, did some Christmas things like cards and wrapping some gifts. It felt good to be productive. I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and decided the first step was getting out of bed. Once I did that - the rest fell into place. I put dinner in the crockpot (too many kid activities tonight for anything else), baked a French Yogurt Cake - I made it for my French teacher and now have decided that I'm keeping it for us!, folded laundry, ran some Christmas errands, and talked to my best friend in Ohio. Now I'm going to work out and then get the kids. A busy day but a good and productive one.
I was talking to our vet this morning and she was remarking on how great I look and how well I'm doing. I told her that yesterday marked 14 months. She was so pleased for me. I left her office and thought - you know, compared to last year - I'm a million bucks right now! Even the bad days are better than this time last year when I was in combat mode and pasting the smile on my face for my husband and kids and everyone trying not to freak out. I really had thought I missed my chance last year of having what I thought would have been my first normal year with all the kids finally in full-time school - but today it just hit me - I might have felt like this then, too. Disjointed and out of sorts. At sixes and sevens. It is a big change to have the kids in school full-time and I think I underestimated how much of my time they really consume/consumed.
I am so happy I found this thread. The women on here are wonderful.
And Timbuktu - I'm thinking about you. I saw you deleted your posts and I hope you are OK.
Robin0 -
I'm on Pinterest and I just saw this quote - I reallly like it. I think it speaks a lot about what we are going through.
"It's okay to be a glowstick; Sometimes we need to break before we shine."0 -
I'm ok and very grateful to all of you for your kindness. I'm trying to calm down and stop ruminating.
We went to therapy yesterday and it was awful. I'm trying to put it all behind me somehow and look forward to doing what I like, as you say.
I think sometimes the best therapy is just getting your mind off of it all.0 -
Rabbit - How nice to hear from you. I hope you're well. Yes, I sure did have a shitty day last week. But I consider it a breakthrough because I wasn't panicked or despondent. And I know that I'll have more painful shitty days in the future and I won't know when or why they occur. But there is a difference. I used to think, 'I must hold myself together, I can't let myself fall apart'. But now I think, 'I'll try to hold myself together,and I may or may not be entirely successful'.
HHCats - Sounds like you're finding a good balance. That's wonderful. And I love your quote about the glowsticks. And I love the image. I guess we're all little glowsticks, cracked, uncracked, or glowing. Nice imagery.
It reminds me of another of my favorite quotes, from a Leonard Cohen song, 'There are cracks in everything, that's how the light gets in.'
And I certainly do have cracks, but I like myself better now that I'm a bit busted open. And it makes it easier not trying to hold on to the person I used to be.
Timbuktu - Good days, or bad days it's always nice to hear from you. Progress is great, and so is venting your frustrations. There is no judgment.
HH Cats - What is French Yogurt cake?0 -
Timbuktu, so sorry to hear that therapy was awful. I agree that distraction can sometimes be the best thing. That is one thing I think men are much better at us gals...we tend to ruminate ourselves to insanity, while they just go have a beer and watch a ball game. I think that's why I've been so absorbed by mindless entertainment lately. It's completely absorbing, requires no energy, and when it's done there's nothing to clean up. :-)0 -
cf, you made me laugh out loud. So true about men. They are different animals, even as young children. Maybe that's the basis of the problem?
My husband, in order to save money canceled my favorite cable stations and kept his. I'll find a different diversion,0 -
Timbuktu - is there any way you can make an agreement with your husband that you move out for 2 to 3 months with his support? Just to give you both some space and when you meet up you are not allowed to discuss any problems but only to have a relaxing time together........,you sound like you long for some s p a c e and i know that feeling. I am sure that will help your healing too
Wintersocks - please pm me about how you are or message me and we can speak on the phone (if you want to)....
Rabbit you are sounding g o o d........it is amazing the difference a year makes0 -
Well, things are calming down a bit at last. We're not speaking. It's like living separately in the same house. I don't even see him as he spends his time at home in the basement watching his shows. Such relief when he leaves for work in the morning,
I really took your good advice to heart, I have to focus on feeling better and taking care of myself. Priority number one, me!
I've been so miserable and distracted that I didn't even know for sure when my apps were. Now I'm getting them organized.
Still not feeling great. Dr suggested I go in for a blood test as I've been bleeding for a month. Good idea, I think.
I'm trying my best to not even think of all of the rest,0 -
HHCats...just reading about your day yesterday made me tired!!! Boy, you did a lot! I'm sure it felt good to be so productive. I want a piece of your French Yogurt Cake. Could you send it through cyberspace? And I know all about faking that smile for everyone around you while trying not to freak out on the inside. I am a master at it. I used to write on here that I would have gotten an Academy Award for the way I faked being just great when I was anything but that! I love, love, love the glowstick reference. It's so true.
Janet...not panicked or despondent on a shitty day sounds good to me. We have come so far from those shitty days where we would just want to hide under the covers.
Lilly55...thanks. Here's hoping we are all better each day because good days turn in to good weeks, months and years.
Timbuktu...there were a lot of good things in your last post...things calming down is good, shifting your focus to YOU and getting better is good, as are getting your appointments organized and getting blood work done for some answers. After that, you can focus on the other stuff. Just take it all one step at a time.
Wintersocks...hope you are o.k.
Here's to all of us shining like the glowsticks within us. Love to you all!
Rabbit0
