Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
-
Hello everyone,
I have been following all the posts the last few days. It is always so good to hear from all of you. The ups....the downs...and the routine all help me reflect on my own recovery.
I am in Brazil with my daughter and grandson and I have to say this is "good medicine". I love being with this little baby boy. He is a very content, responsive 9 week old and so much fun to be with. I last saw him at 3 weeks and it is amazing how much he has changed. It is incredible to see your own children become parents.
My 11 hour flight was uncomfortable but I was surprised that in some ways I didn't have as much stiffness as I do when I wake up in the morning in a bed. Not that I am considering putting an airline chair in the bedroom but I did wake up physically less stiff.
I had an MRI right before I left and they found a 9mm lobular something or other on my thyroid and it said it should have further evaluation. They also saw cyst on my liver and kidneys but the report did not call for any further evaluation of those so I am assuming they were nothing to be concerned about. I left the afternoon I got the MRI report online so I wasn't able to talk to my doctor about it. I did send her an email and haven't heard back, which makes me believe that it isn't something to be very concerned about. But, as you all know being concerned is sort of my constant state since my diagnosis. I find I am hypervigalent about every little ache and pain. In some ways I think that is good because it means I am in touch with my body and that could help me detect any possible future cancer earlier but it also makes daily life harder to always be "watching" everything going on in my body.
Rabbit and Janet, both of you so help me when I hear from you because you are both in a place that I want to be one day. Life and its bumps and ups and downs still happen but you seem more able to relax and accept those things as "part of life" rather than part of your disease.
Timbuktu I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts because I have had several friends actually go through divorces while living in the same home. This seems to be more common due to the economy of late and it is very difficult. I know you haven't actually determined that divorce is the solution but it does sound like you know that focusing on yourself, your needs, desires and life is - and I agree fully with that.
Lily and cfdr you always leave such supportive kind messages for others. Thank you for that.
HHCats you sound pretty good. How I remember those days of having young ones in the house at the holidays and all the craziness. I don't know how I did it healthy and I am amazed at how well you seem to be doing while recovering at the same time. And as busy as you are you sound like you are taking time for yourself when you need to. I want to really encourage you to do that. Especially during holidays with young families we can get ourselves so over tired. My birthday is two days after Xmas and every year for the last 30 years my birthday pictures are of me curled up in a blanket sick as a dog after the holidays. So please take care and try to keep some balance, balance, balance.
Much love to all,
Julieho0 -
One of the reasons that MRI's are not done that routinely, I've been told, is because of false positives. Once you start taking pictures of what's inside your body all kinds of things start to turn up. I'm betting and hoping that what turned up on yours amounts to nothing,
Where in Brazil are you? I teach ESL to adults and one of my students from last year had a management consulting business in Brazil. Her husband was a postdoc at a university here so she flew back to Brazil every 2 weeks to keep her business running! She used to say that there are several different Brazils, I suppose any large country is like that, Good luck to you and your new family member! Most of all, good health!0 -
Timbuktu, even though you and your husband are not speaking, at least it is movement towards some sort of change. At least it gives you a break from conversations that are hurtful or lead nowhere. Those are the worst.
Julie, your trip sounds so exciting! Well, maybe not the 11 hour flight part of it. It would take me a week to recover from that.
I know what you mean about being hypervigilant. I google every little symptom. I've stopped talking to my husband about them because he already thinks I'm an insane hypochondriac, no reason to confirm his suspicions! The other day I was hiking in 53 degree weather and my finger turned blue from cold. WTF? I have a painless swelling below my knee. WTF? I totally get it why people make fun of old people for just sitting around talking about symptoms. It's like my body is a mystery book...oooh, what is this clue? Significant, or a red herring? How will our heroine respond?0 -
Well I am home today with a "sick" boy. Today he's more wiped out than sick like yesterday when he came home from school looking grey. We are working on a science project for school due next week - a food chain mobile. He is not the product of a "crafty" mother - so it's going to be as good as we can make it! He really knows his science. Better than his mom who was double checking his information on the internet.
Yes it is super busy right now. We have school masses, school Christmas sing-alongs, the school bazaar (which my husband has asked that our kids not buy him yet another Christmas tie!), secret Santas, lunches with friends, shopping, wrapping, cleaning. Then there is the daily living stuff - too. I can't wait until the 19th which the last day of school. I am just exhausted making out a list. But it is fun. My kids are at a good age for Christmas.
We also have a hockey tournament this weekend for my son and we are taking all three kids into Toronto to see the "Broadway" production of Aladdin! We had been taking them to the Nutcracker each year and they sort of complained that it was boring because there was no singing! [Yes, because it's a BALLET!]. So we decided to switch to musical theatre.
I just booked our babysitter to watch the kids one Sunday this month - so my husband and I can go out and "shop" and have dinner. He and I have made it a tradition to go out just us and take in the Christmas season. It's nice because we don't have to talk in code about presents.
I got some bad news this morning. A good friend on BCO was just told that she either has chronic radiation burns or she might have Pagets disease (a rare from of BC). She has been so wonderful to me and I'm very worried about her. She was lovely in her email to me - more worried that it would freak me out - I think. She's approaching it with such grace - she's really a good example. She told me once she thinks it's harder on the family than us sometimes. I believe that. I was so consumed with treatment and getting from one minute to another last year that I am only now realizing what an impact this had on my family. My husband told me the other day that he thinks about it coming back all the time and tries to just focus on the positives of my particular situation. A good approach, I think. My kids are just more relaxed this year. Mom is back ordering everyone around and yelling a lot. Life is better that way. Calm mom who was crashed in bed last year had to be a little bit scary. LOL
Timbuktu - I'm glad to hear you are getting some space. My SIL and ex-BIL lived in the same house for months and only communicated by email. It is doable. Weird maybe but doable. Please take care and get some rest.
Julieho - I'm so happy you are enjoying your time with your grandbaby in Brazil. I've been to Brazil and it's very cool there. I wouldn't worry too too much about the MRI results - Timbuktu is right - they show all sorts of stuff in the body that has likely been there all along. I also think if you had a real worry - your doctor would have been notified and had notified you.
Rabbit and Janet M - a French Yogurt Cake is like a pound cake but not made with butter. If that makes sense. It is a traditional French thing. The measure everything out using the yogurt container in France but since here we have all sizes - I found a recipe in a book I have. It was very yummy.
http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/19/the-bakers-apprentice-french-yogurt-cake/?_r=0
Here's the recipe I used. It looks nice too. It give you a lot of bang for your buck because all you really do is just mix stuff and dump it into a pan. I'm going to try to make a "Brownie Cake" for Christmas (no one anted up for dessert except for my lovely nephew and his fiancee. So I'm making a turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and gravy AND supplementing appetizers and dessert. I believe in a lot of "purchased" items for the holiday buffet - so the cake might not happen. It might just be a nice pie from the store! We will be 23 or 24 for dinner this year. My husband is the youngest of 6 kids . . .and they love to party!
Well I've talked your ears off. Sorry. I'm going to clean up the mess from the food chain . . .and do some ever-present laundry. Since the boy is home with me - I'm using cleaning as my workout for today.
Hugs
Robin0 -
You made me laugh so! I was at a party the other day and got into a "symptom"discussion. One of our friends is so healthy she didn't know what to do. I felt sorry for her. She kind of looked lost and walked around aimlessly. I told her to come sit down, we're having a symptom talk. She is so tall and so thin and so active we all kind of admired her. Shes so sweet she started talking about her wrinkles! lol How she should get implants or something to get rid of them. It kind of brought the discussion to a halt. She was trying to join in as best she could but it just wasn't working.0 -
HH, I'm impressed. Booking a sitter is just the thing to do. You are taking care of yourself and your husband.
It's so important to have that kind of foresight and not let it all get too overwhelming. Good for you!0 -
Timbuktu - your "symptom" story is really good! I totally related when Julieho said she's hyper-vigliant about aches and pains. I over analyze every little thing that is seemingly "wrong" with me. I went to my family doctor a few months ago with a pain in my side (it was a UTI) and I told him "I'm a hypochondriac now!" He told me that it is normal after everything we go through and he told me to come anytime with anything.
Right now my beautiful boy is crashed on the couch. He still doesn't feel well. And I think he gave me a sore throat! We did finish the mobile - the teacher specified that parents only "help" and not "do" - so that's what we did! The other day one class of kids came out with these elaborate projects and my friend kept saying "Parent Project, Parent Project, Kid Project. . . " as each one came out!
My husband and I make a point of spending time together alone most nights after the kids are in bed. And then we try to go out at least once a month and/or make a "grown-up dinner" on a Saturday. Once in a while I email him and say I'll get the kids all in bed and then we order Thai food or something nice like that. My kids get so jealous - it's funny.0 -
Hi! I don't feel as strong as I was during treatment either. I'm a stay at home mom of 1 child so I need to get myself out there and either go back to work (haven't done that since 04) or volunteer again. My chemo buddy just heard from our doctor that she is cancer free. I am so VERY excited for her in that she seriously kicked it's ass but I can't help but feel jealous... I'll get a PET scan in January before radiation and when it's been long enough after my exchange surgery. I'm scared to death of radiation, more so than chemo. I'm scared for my skin, I'm scared for my implant getting messed up, and I'm scared that my lymphedema will get worse. I just can't get my head around it all. I feel like a failure at home because I have days when I'm just beat and get nothing done. And I look at my daughter and wonder how much this all really has effected her. She says she's happy... but just last night she wanted me to get in the middle and wrestle and tickle torture with her and my husband. I just didn't feel comfortable doing that (exchange was 10/30). I so miss doing stuff like that with them. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I get it. I wish I had an answer. I'm going to go back and read what the others suggested. ((hugs))0 -
HH you are setting an example for your kids, how to take care of themselves in the future. I think you've got it right!
Yesterday, during class, I went to the bathroom and saw more blood. I went back to class and started to feel really sick. Kind of faint, weak, panicky, shaky. I almost went home. I took a xanax and was able to continue but when I got home I called my dr and told him that I can't see the dr until Monday, I've been bleeding for almost a month and I just need some reassurance, what should a watch out for? He told me and said I could come in for a blood test. I don't think I need that, I ate some hamburger instead! Anyway, So far so good today. No blood, no faintness. But yeah, all kinds of things go through your mind when something strange happens or you feel something new. I don't think I've had a "normal" day since I started chemo a year and a half ago,0 -
mcgis, welcome! You are in good company here. I had fatigue for 20 months post chemo, so I know all too well that feeling of frustration when you just can't get stuff done. I always felt like a car that was out of gas, and no matter how much I put the pedal to the metal, nothing happened. The other analogy I used was that I felt like I was swimming upstream through molasses every day.
You're not a failure. Just a woman whose body and mind have been beaten up by cancer treatment. It will get better.
Perhaps the toughest thing for me was simply how long the process is. For me it was 8 months of treatment, but the time recovering from the treatment was more than twice as long. Up until then, the longest I'd ever been sick was maybe 10 days with the flu. Maybe a cough would linger for a month after bronchitis. Measuring my treatment and recovery not in days or weeks but in months and years is something I'm still getting used to.
Timbuktu, I would be losing my mind if I were bleeding like that. Considering everything you are going through I think you are very calm and collected!
HHCats, thanks for the cake recipe. My husband loves pound cake, but I'm trying to cook lower fat (OK, I am making creme brulee for a dinner party tonight, but that's an exception!). This cake looks just as good without the pound of butter.0 -
Mcgis - I have three kids who were 5,5, and 8 when I was diagnosed last year. I stay home, too and it wasn't easy on them. However, they have really grown up and are a lot more independent now. I think a lot of it is that I had to let a lot go and that included micro-managing their days! 14 months later - they are all doing so well. My husband went to parent-teacher conferences and came home and said "Relax, they are all doing well." I really worry about my oldest - he's a smart cookie (all three are actually) and my "soul child" - he felt my pain more than my girls (identical twins) who were blessedly clueless.
As for the tiredness. I had a really rough month of November. I was wiped out and just honestly a total irritable bitch! My husband finally encouraged me to go back on my anti-depressants and I'm getting a lot of relief. However, it is very hard some days. So I just take it easy. I didn't have radiation - I opted for a bilateral and a DIEP instead of radiation. So I can't help you there. However, both my SILs have had it and they did quite well.
My advice for what it's worth is take care of yourself and you'd be surprised how well your family adapts. Don't stress about not being part of things - I still do and my husband just laughs and says "you were totally part of life last year" - so I think we tend to focus on the little "failings" which pretty much go unnoticed by our families. They get it - you are going through a lot and have gone through a lot and they love you.
cfdr- you're welcome for the cake recipe. It's not as velvety as pound cake but it is nice and has a good light lemony taste.
Well I have to "get myself up" for a workout at noon! I spent the morning running errands and Christmas shopping - got behind not one but two women not only buying clothes but returning clothes! It's colder here today but we are not in course to get the big ice storm that a lot of you in The States (my parents included) are getting!
Hugs
Robin0 -
Hello Ladies:
Over the past few weeks while I've been recovering from DBX with recon I have gone back and read almost all of your posts and feel like I can connect with all of you on some level. If I don't end up needing rads I will just need fills and implant exchange surgery. I really surprised myself after my DX as to how well I dealt with everything and the solitude and depression has just started to rear its ugly head and I'm afraid of getting swallowed up in it. From reading, I have noticed that a lot of you have really gotten a hold of this and have started living life again. My problem right now is I don't want to do anything, which in a way isn't that big of a deal because I am only 2 weeks post surgery and can't do a lot yet. But as I get better I'm afraid I won't want to, I feel disconnected from my son and husband, who have been really good through all of this but have gone on with their lives (which I'm glad they did) while I have been dealing with all of my own pain, loneliness, fear during treatment. I'm also angry at how much cancer has taken from me, I look in the mirror and see a little boy looking back at me. I'm not a vain person and I didn't even mind losing my hair as much as I thought I would. I'm so grateful to be alive and have hopefully beaten this (final pathology not in yet). I'm still tired from chemo and surgeries, my fingernails are starting to grow back, I have 1/4 inch of hair back (mostly grey) but I know that I won't be 100% for a while and I'm afraid that everyone around me is going to wonder why not. Surgery is done, chemo is done, the doctors appointments are fewer so why am I not back to normal. I know my husband is wanting this to be over so badly, he was wanting that after 2 months and although he has tried to take care of me and handle things for me during this I know he resents me. He comments that because I am 11 years younger than him that I should have been the one taking care of him and I was suppose to be the young, healthy one. I don't understand how he can't see how guilty this makes me feel and that I never signed up to get breast cancer.
Anyways, sorry for rambling, I just knew that this would some how make sense to you wonderful, brave women. I don't even know what I'm asking of you. Maybe some things you have done to not lose yourself or things you did to pull yourself out of the abyss.
Thank You for reading and for any advice or words you can offer. These boards have been a lifeline for me during this journey, I'm sure without them I would be in a much darker place than I am now.
Love, Rayna0 -
Rayna, maybe it's just me but your husband's comment about the age difference sounds less like resentment and more like guilt, that he always assumed that since he was older, he'd be the first to deal with a major health crisis, and that his heart is breaking to see you go through this. This is a tough road for a couple; when I was going through treatment and someone would ask how they could help, I always said "Take my husband out for a beer, because he needs it!"
As you've no doubt read (and experienced!) the year after treatment in many ways is harder than treatment...we want so much to be on the upswing and sometimes it just doesn't happen.
I can tell you what I *wish* I had done the first year after treatment. I wish I had been more patient with myself. I thought I was being a really "good" patient/survivor, starting the couch to 5K program right after chemo ended (I had chemo after surgery/radiation), making a new plan for my business, generally acting like oh boy oh boy I'm back! Everybody watch out. And all I did was crash, crash, crash. I kept setting myself up for one failure after another. I have a friend who went through more surgeries and chemo than I did and never missed a single day of work, and she was my inspiration. But I'm not her. It made no sense for me to set my pace by her clock, but I didn't know that at the time.
The cancer center I go to has free counseling for breast cancer patients. The counselor I went to after 8 months, to say "when the f&*% is this fatigue going to let up???" told me about a patient who was a freelance writer, who decided not to work for the entire year after treatment. Most of us are not that lucky, but honestly, with the amount of work I ended up doing I may as well have taken the year off.
Two books that were really helpful for me: After the Cure and Your Brain After Chemo. One of the chemo brain things that affected me was lack of focus and motivation (I started a thread about that here).
It doesn't seem like it now but what you've been through is *recent*. Cancer has a timeline unlike anything else I've ever experienced. The treatments take so long and when they are done, you just want to close the door and move on. There was a discussion, I think it was on this thread, about "convalescence". An old-fashioned word, but one that a useful concept for recovering from cancer treatment. I wish I had taken at least three months post treatment simply put my feet up and drink tea.0 -
Rayna - I know exactly how you feel. The tiredness and the face in the mirror are really hard to take somedays. I have a thick head of hair but I still look in the mirror and wonder who that is. My tiredness was really bad last month. It's much better now. But it comes and goes. Emotionally I am up and down - sometimes in the same hour! Right now that is what is happening with me. We had a lovely family day yesterday - we saw Aladdin in Toronto, went to lunch and my son's hockey game. A beautiful day. Today was the same . After my son's hockey game today - we went to get our Christmas tree. We came home and struggled to put it up - it's a 10 footer, made some lunch and suddenly I am just wiped out. It hit me yesterday that last year we went to the Nutcracker on the day after my first chemo - and I barely remember it. Today I realized that we went and got a tree and everything and again - I barely remember it. I was just crying to my husband and I told him this and he said "that's why this is a better year". Rationally I get it. Emotionally I'm in tears in bed with the cat and HGTV. That will have to suffice for now. So I'm taking a little break for me right now and I'll bounce back. Tomorow is another day, right?
Robin0 -
OK - truth.
I'm never going to stop worrying about dying and leaving my kids to grow up without a mother, am I?
That realization hit me today along with the realization that I am doing much to ensure that it doesn't happen - but it still could no matter what I do.
Wow. I am such a Downer Debbie. And I had a 90% great weekend.0 -
But everyone is going to die. And somehow we all go into denial about it and act as though it's not going to happen,
I think with time and good health (please God!) we will once again go into denial and believe that we'll live forever, like everyone else in denial.
0 -
HHcats - It's too early for you to start saying 'I'm never going to stop worrying'. The way you feel today isn't the way you're going to feel next week, or a month from now. You've made a lot of progress in the last while. You've set limits for your activities, and you've managed to be productive, and active, and have good quality time with your kids. That's all really good stuff. I know you're not nearly back to normal but you certainly sound like you're heading in a the right direction.
But it sounds like you're having a crummy day? I'm guessing that you're feeling kind of fragile if you're in bed with HGTV. And if you probably don't feel safe yet, in general. So this is not a good time to think about 'never stop worrying'. Perhaps it's best not to hurl yourself so far in the future. Take things in smaller, bite size pieces. Just keep doing what you're doing, and know that you're doing everything you can to stay healthy. And that you're young, and a great mom, and have a lot to look forward to.
And do you you really have ceilings high enough for a 10' tree?
It sounds like you're anxious to get back on track, mentally and physically, but it's a slow process. And for what it's worth - I think you're doing everything right.
By the way, my memories of last year are really foggy. But luckily some magic fairy waved their 'I don't care' wand over me. At first I was tormented by my lack of memory, but now it doesn't really matter. People say 'Don't your remember....?' and I think 'Nope. I really don't. Please fill me in'. I don't take my fogginess personally, and don't accept it as who I am. It's funny - I used to feel disoriented by my lack of memory and recall, but now, even though I know there are gaps in my past and some blurry memories, I've accepted the fuzziness and I'm looking ahead and it makes me feel better.
Cfdr brought up some really great points. About how she wished she'd been more patient with herself. And about by thinking 'Watch out, I'm back' , she just set herself up for failure. That's really important stuff that she wrote. There is no switch to say 'I'm back'. It's a long, slow, often painful convalescence. So be patient with yourself, and enjoy even your tiniest of triumphs.0 -
Janet M - Yes I have a ceiling that will handle a 10ft tree. Our front room (the living room) has a partial cathedral ceiling right in front of the windows. So we park our tree there. It is really a total waste of space and energy! But a big tree looks nice there for the holidays. So we splurge. The rest of the house has 9ft ceilings so I guess it doesn't look that out of place. I used to call that room the Christmas Tree and Cats room - because basically that is what it held - my cats used to go in there to hide from the kids!
Timbuktu and everyone - I am feeling better today. Actually I felt better yesterday. I hauled myself out of bed and went to Target to grab a couple of small gifts, wrapping paper and some gift bags.
Today I am dropping the kids off a school and coming home to work out for a bit. Then it's taking kids to the dentist and to power skating (my son is taking power skating lessons for hockey - he could use a little help. Me tying the skates will be interesting). I might get a chance to wrap some of those gifts. Oh and I am picking up some gift cards. My husband is the youngest of 6 kids. There will be 23 or 24 of us here for Christmas. Somehow the tradition of drawing names for the adults got lost a couple of years ago so we are back to this insane thing where everyone gets something smallish for everyone else. It's just more work if you ask me.
Tomorrow is the Christmas Mass at school. My oldest is in the school choir so I try to attend as many of the masses as I can.
We got snow here last night - so it is back to boots and snow pants so I should run and organize the troops.
Robin0 -
I don't worry too much about dying but I won't say I never think about it, either. Work has been really slow for my business this fall (that's what happens when you don't spend time on marketing for 3 years), and after Thanksgiving I said the heck with it, I'm going to focus on relaxing and enjoying the holidays rather than continuing my marketing reboot for the next 5 weeks. And in the back of my mind was the thought, what if the cancer comes back? What if next year I'm back in chemo, or recovering from a BMX? At least I will have had one December where I focused on making a nice holiday for my stepdaughters and their families, rather than focusing on some ephemeral business activities that may or may not pay off in six months. I may not have the money for a lot of presents but at least I can bake some damn fine cookies.0 -
Cdfr - my husband has said to me a couple of times say it comes back in two years - wouldn't you have rather known you lived life during those two years instead of worrying all the time. You and he both have good points.
Good Luck on the cookie baking. I think I am going to try to make some next weekend when it calms down here a bit! As if . . .0 -
So, things are changing a bit around here. My husband is always at his best when I am at my worst ie sick. He cooks, he cleans he shops he drives. And I feel grateful.
I went for my cyst,..I don't know how to spell it, they put a camera in your bladder and look for tumors. No tumors, no blood, nothing wrong! Hooray! But she wants to do a CAT scan and I'm afraid of all of that radiation. She thinks the bleeding could be from kidney stones. I'm going to have an ultrasound first although she says they miss 40% of kidney stones. We discussed an MRI too. Anyway, I was happy today because I was really afraid of bladder cancer. Turns out chemo can cause it! No one mentioned that as a "side effect" before!
She also thought it might be a gyne problem. So we will have to rule things out one by one and if there's no choice I'll get the Cat scan but I sure hope I don't need that. OTH whatever is causing the bleeding has to be addressed and soon.
On top of all of this, on Saturday I got a bite on my finger from who knows what. It itched so much and I scratched it so much that it became infected. It's on the mastectomy side so without all my lymph nodes I was worried. Went to the er. Had a fever. Felt faint. Was put on intravenous antibiotics. Never a dull moment!
Today it started itching and turning red again so I went to the pharmacy. The pharmacist told me to buy Epsom Salts and soak the finger for 15 minutes every hour and it will draw out the venom. I did it once and felt perfect! I never heard of this before but wanted to share it with everyone, such a simple remedy. Then he told me to put benydril cream on to stop the itching. I've been fine ever since.
Be careful with the arm without lymph nodes!
0 -
Timbuktu, you have really been through the wringer lately! Glad they have some ideas about the bleeding and that it doesn't appear to be anything too awful (not that kidney stones aren't awful!). Hope that hand heals up!0 -
Timbuktu - I've had a kidney stone before (it had to be surgically removed) - they are no fun. However, they can be dealt with - so that might be good news.
As for me - I've been laid low by a sinus headache all day yesterday. It's better today but now the house is a disaster and nothing has gotten done. Oh well. I guess that's life.
Robin0 -
My husband who is just great thought he was doing me a favour by telling me about an article in the National Post (Canada) about triple negative breast cancer and how they are working on a target therapy "cure". So I ran to read it. All I l took from that article is that it might be ready in the next 5 years. I immediately thought "I might be dead before that." What horrible thought. Then the whole process started. I am now constantly thinking about dying. When is this going to stop? I have to make it stop. The thought of leaving my kids before they even have a chance to grow up physically hurts. I don't know what to do. My husband keeps saying "you were doing so well." Yeah, but now I'm not. Sorry for the ranting. I'll be better tomorrow.0 -
HHCats: I know how you feel about thinking of not being there for your kids and it Physically Hurting. I had a horrible time for 3 weeks before my surgery of always thinking of dying on the operating table and not being here for my 11 year old son. It was all consuming and I had a panic attack almost daily. I couldn't stop my way of thinking no matter what I did and it became so frustrating not being able to change that state of mind.
When surgery was over, I thanked God for getting me through surgery and was at peace for about a week just focusing on healing from surgery.
Now a depression has hit me that I can't shake and I'm mad at myself for not just being thankful that I am here for my son and should be happy that I don't have that lingering fear of leaving him. It is sooo hard to change our thinking and I feel weak and pathetic feeling this way. I wake up every morning hoping its passed but it's still there.
So you are not alone, if I figure out a way to stop this I will let you know. I hope you can get back to where you were.
Love, Rayna0 -
Robin...remember that you trusted your doctors and caregivers and did everything they recommended for you to be restored to good health. And now, you are taking care of yourself and following their recommendations to stay healthy. That's all you can do. Take comfort in that. It's what gets me through most days. Oh, and one more thing, the best thing you can do is be there for your kiddos right now and you are here, and you are doing a great job!
Timbuktu...you are getting closer to answers, which is a good thing.
Welcome to the new ladies. Hello to those that have been here for awhile (notice I didn't say old ladies...tee hee). I have to run now, but will write more when I can.
Rabbit0 -
HHCats, I thought I'd pop in here for a moment. When I was at my worst last year, I would repeat to myself over and over, "my treatment was needed helped to cure me." I obsessed so much over so many things that I ended up a complete mess. My kids are now 15 and 11 and I had to pull it together, if not for me, for them. Eventually, the worry passes and you do move on. Time is what helps, but it is a pain waiting. I recall waking up one morning and realizing that the weight had lifted. It was the strangest sensation, but the feelings has finally passed.
Here's hoping you will have the same kind of morning soon.0 -
Rock, what a wonderful post, Very true.
0 -
I don't focus much about recurrence/mets until I see something like I did yesterday...I got a newsletter from a botanical garden, with a little obit for a staff member who died "after a ten year battle with breast cancer". And although I do have one acquaintance who's been stage IV for that long, I also think, is what I went through just the first leg of a longer journey? I focus on putting it behind me, but it's always possible that it's not. So even though I don't obsess about it, the reminders are all around that people die of this disease that I've had. That we've had.0 -
The struggle has been, from the beginning, to stay in the NOW. Forget the past and the future. But as I say it is a STRUGGLE!
0
