Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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I hope that the presence of so many Brits will change Spain.
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sadly some brits support it! An increasing number of younger spanish are against animal cruelty.....
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I'm two weeks into wellbutrin, and except for 3 days when I felt like I was on speed, it doesn't seem to be helping with the fatigue, and may be adding to my anxiety. I'm going to stay on it for the next 2.5 weeks, until my annual physical, and re-evaluate with my doctor.
But I've also made a decision. I'm going to semi-officially semi-retire. I think I've gotten into an unhealthy feedback loop: I'm fatigued from whatever, but struggle against it to get work done, get worn out from struggling, anxious because I'm not making enough money or coming perilously close to not meeting my deadlines, and the struggle and anxiety fuels the fatigue even more.
It's like...I didn't get PTSD from treatment, but I think I've developed something close to that from trying to recover from treatment.
So the modest inheritance that I got when my mom passed away (6 weeks before my diagnosis...I was already a stress monkey when this all started), instead of being part of my retirement funds should I live to be 95, is going to fund my early retirement at 57. I'm going to start withdrawing just enough so to cover what household bills my husband's salary doesn't. I'll keep a few select, low-stress clients, and that will be my personal money.
I'm done struggling against fatigue and chemo brain. I'm done researching it, trying to fix it, thinking about it.
I have a few projects to finish up, but otherwise I'm treating the next couple of weeks like a "staycation". Long walks in the woods. A massage and a hot tub. A long morning at Starbucks drinking a pumpkin spice latte, reading a novel. Do some yoga, tai chi, meditate. Lie on the sofa and watch the autumn leaves fall.
After that, some yard work. Get some new window shades, some artwork for the bedroom walls. Start doing arts & crafts again. Meet friends for lunch. Take the daytime tai chi class instead of the one that falls right at dinner time. Spend less time in front of the computer.
My hope is that in 6 months to a year, I will have healed enough physically and emotionally and cognitively that I can think about working more. I may not try to get new clients, but instead take a part-time job somewhere out of the house. I like the idea of using my skills for a non-profit with a mission that I can be passionate about. I'm simply not passionate about running my own business anymore.
20:20 hindsight: I wish I'd taken my husband's advice and taken off the entire year after treatment. It's not too late to try, though.
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cfdr: yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes X a million. Good for you. I may re-read your paragraphs 6 and 7 every morning just to relax. I LOVE this plan of yours.
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cfdr,
Sounds like a plan! I think part of what threw me into this depression was the realization that I could not do the things I did before, and maybe never will.
I need to let it go and be open to some different paths in my life, but that sure is hard. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear, and thank you to everyone for all the wonderful support.
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And thank you both for your words of support. This has been an *incredibly* hard decision. Unlike my husband, who can't wait until the day he can pack up his office and never go back to work, I have loved working, am proud of building my own business, and can't understand how the woman that everyone use to call a workaholic now just wants to lie on the sofa and read a Bridget Jones novel.
When I was 21, I packed up 4 boxes, a bicycle and a guitar, and moved 3,000 miles to San Francisco with $200. In some ways this feels the same...like I'm taking this big risky step and I have no idea what's going to happen next.
I said no to bidding on a big project today. Baby step.
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The wellbutrin just made me worse, I thought it was helping for the first couple of weeks, then my fatigue got worse and worse, and I developed crushing headaches, which disappeared when I stopped taking it. I've had ZERO luck with any of the anti-depressants that are supposed to help with the misc side effect.
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Sounds lovely, cfdr. I will be doing some of those things, too.
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Lexapro depressed me terribly. For the first time I understood what real depression felt like. When I stopped taking it I was so happy! So in a way, it worked!
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i have started taking 5HTP to increase serotonin levels and I feel I am getting a better quality of sleep
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Lily55
I have been in such overwhelming circumstances before. It helped to vent. It also helped a lot to prioritize problems and issues on paper and then chunk them down (1page each) into very small steps. Then I could begin to do small steps (sometimes one a day was all I could handle) and that gave me a good feeling about myself as well as getting the problems resolved. Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Peggy
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i feel the same BB but am trying to do something about it......we have had loads of rescue dogs here, rehab them then they go to forever homes, it never feels like enough but we cannot sell here and finances mega tight
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i play pet rescue on the computer. I'm hooked on it.
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BosumBlues, do you have a link to that article? That is even more extreme than the ones I've seen, which said that 35% of women have fatigue for 5 years after treatment, and that after 10 years that falls to 34%. :-/ I'm guessing that after that, they stop measuring.
I hope you are able to find a place that can help you out. Are there any cancer support programs that could help subsidize the co-pay, even if just for a few weeks?
Just got back from a wonderful weekend with my husband, celebrating our anniversary. It was very relaxing, and I feel like it marked a transition for me. Now the challenge is for me to actually make changes and not fall into old habits!
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BB - I was just going to post how much i am struggling at the moment, I have stress on all fronts and trying to weave my way through it, including making a formal complaint about being lied to ref reconstruction......even going to the GP to start this process makes me feel sick....so you are far from alone............I won´t say anymore as I could just repeat you, BC sucks - and I saw the first Pinktober advert today, it makes me SICK they still go on about awareness when its real, effective and humane treatment we need..............
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I'm beginning to hate October. I'm TOO aware of BC! I want to forget it!
I hope you guys can take a break from all of this and do what makes you feel better for a few days.
Sometimes you can regain your strength that way and not get overwhelmed.
I feel my strength (both physical and mental)returning. What a blessing!
I wish you the same.
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Cyberhugs to Tim, BB & Lily:
It is very, very difficult some days, being on this path. When it is, come here for comfort. I do. Imagine what it must have been like for women who did not have this and were going thru? We lean immensely on each other here, even if we don't always post about our current struggles. And ah, when we post - the outpouring of love and support is so incredible!
So if you need a lift today, remember you are not alone; remind yourself that others are in similarly stressful situations and are persevering in spite of their storms, and that you too, will persevere, even if all you can do is whisper to yourself, "Better days must lie ahead, cause this one sure sucks!" Today my heart feels for you guys. . .and for myself as well. It's a tough one for me today too. . .
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Hello my lovelies...
Tomorrow is October 1st~! For me, this f-word "pink" month brings with it some extra anxiety or sensitivity or sadness, or fear ~ (insert whatever feelings you may currently be feeling). It's almost like I "use" to feel right before my period. October is one long month of cramps of a different kind.
Ahhhhh. I shall try to breathe and let go when I see something or hear something that no doubt will tick me off with this campaign. Can we each do something really really special for ourselves daily? Something extra special on Saturday, November 1st having made it through October.
For any gals who love this month or pink ~ bless you too and enjoy it. Maybe you feel supported.
We are all so different.
We are all very strong.
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You remind me of the time, years ago, before I got it, when my young daughter after watching an ad for the Avon walk, asked "Mommy, how can walking cure cancer?" What could I say? "It can't". lol
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Fock fock fock I think I will avoid wearing pink in October, my little protest....
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Tim, That is just such a great response from your daughter! Kids just see the truth much more readily than adults. I too hate pink. It just serves a constant reminder that I have/had?? bc.
I ticked a chugger off today for speaking of 'battles and warriors'. I feel like neither. She was young and very sweet but as she was trying to raise money for cancer she needs to know that not everyone is comfortable with those terms.
I got my Liver Function Test back and it is no longer 'deranged' - that so made me laugh. I have also my appt to see the L'dema nurse. All this is constant reminders of the spectre of breast cancer...
I hope everyone is having a reasonable day, I too still feel very down.....
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Winter -
Congratulations on having an underanged liver! ( But I'm sorry you'e feeling down)
In regards to the whole pink thing, I kind of tune it out. But what I really hate is the term 'survivor'. I HATE it. Every single person on the planet who is alive is a survivor. I don't like getting some bulls*it label because of something that was thrust upon me. How can someone be 'brave' and a 'surivivor' when they have no choice in the matter. Don't even get me started on stories that start with 'she lost her long battle....'.
Feeling a little blue these days too. I think it comes with the change of season and the light starting to fade. Last night I was watching Dancing With the Stars (my guilty pleasure) and I couldn't stop crying. There wasn't even anything particularly sad - it was just the expressions on people's faces and stuff like that. I'm not sure if the fragile emotions are because of tomoxifen, turning fifty, menopause, or post BC stress. Maybe it's all of the above. Or maybe it's just that I'm really really really tired. Overall my life is good, but some days are still so hard.
Janet
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I don't know if anyone is still on this topic. I had my lumpectomy (x2 surgeries), 4 rounds of chemo and 31 RT. I finished last December. I have had some episodes of "crying jags"-and no one around me seems to understand. Is it also normal to feel that you have to "check off things on your bucket list?"0 -
bikergirl what is normal? We are all different and have different support systems . A bucket list should be there fir everyone, bc or not, as you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, we only know we have today.
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bikergirl, I have a friend who is flying to finland in February, to go above the Arctic Circle to see the northern lights. My bucket list is more things like "finish that needlepoint project I started 6 years ago" and "get really good at decorating cookies with royal icing".
Crying jags: totally normal, IMHO. They tend to freak out the male of the species, though.
I started chemo in the month of October, and I recall the clerk at the grocery store asking if I wanted to make a donation for breast cancer awareness. I told her "I donated some of my cancerous breast tissue earlier this year, so no thanks."
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have you tried Aromasin? It definitely works in a different way to Tamoxifen......I have two weeks to wait til showdown with my Onc re QOL
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Oh Ladies----Hugs to all of you. Whenever I go thru a tough time, I know that God is preparing me for something. Since my diagnosis, I have had three people I know be diagnosed. I have been able to explain to them what I have had to go thru and walk them thru their biopsy, their surgical experience and prepare them for RADS. It gives them comfort to ask me questions and being their "mentor" if you will has caused me to find strength and energy and be more positive vs negative. That being said, I wake up every morning and think I have cancer, even though I have been NED since May. I can't sleep sometimes for wondering if it is really gone, or if it will come back. My MO says this is normal---it takes AT LEAST a year for us to start thinking like we are survivors, but that day will come.... I am not going to let the Fear of Cancer win. I have to keep moving towards a place of surviving. We are survivors as soon as we are diagnosed!!!!!
IAs I walked this morning around the lake I thought--There isn't one thing pink, frilly, ribbony, or journey like about this disease---Its like your life was great and you were crossing the street to a fun place and WHAM, the bus you didn't see coming runs over the top of you. You lay there hurting and then you slowly start to get up and your skin is sticking to the pavement, and you have to pick out lots of little pieces of asphalt. And then sometimes after you've been up, you fall back down and start over.
But, if pink and ribbons and journeys makes people donate money for research and helps fund mammograms for everyone and mobile units to go into depressed area's and raises awareness of preventative measures and so on---MORE POWER TO THEM.
I loved October before for its beauty and just because someone declares it breast cancer month, my love for the season won't change.
Bosum, Thanks for the article---where did you find it? I steer a wide berth around Soy products. Clearly, my risk factor wasn't just not having children, which is what my surgeon told me. I was overweight, lazy and ate to many carbs. Those 3 things are changed.
And I wouldn't go taking any supplements without running it by my MO first.
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Hi Ladies. I've been lurking. I must say What a great group here. I think it is wonderful that one can come here & just BE sad. I hate when I try to say my feelings to someone & I get back You have to be positive. Think positive, stay positive. The fall is always hard for me. A) I REALLY miss my Dad. We always went hunting together. Seeing & hearing all the ducks & geese are a constant reminder.
Winter is coming & I'm cold in summer, let alone -30's in winter. I hate wearing so many layers in the house that I look like a marshmallow. C) Foctober, constantly reminded daily about bc. God as if the daily se's are not enough of a reminder. I'm just sad in the fall. Rant over0 -
cyberhugs 70charger! the hole left when a loved one dies always seems to deepen and sting more during a rough spell. . .i too have a hole like that. sorry you resemble a marshmallow when you're inside during the winter, but I did crack a smile at that one! i hope you find a reason - any reason - to crack a smile today. maybe you remember a really good time you had with your dad when hunting once? the smile need not last long. . .just long enough to give your face a break from being sad. again, lots of hugs to you! Merrellgirl
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So true! And for me, a former daddy's girl, his absence is felt very strongly. Also, the memory of his illness and death was very hard to deal with and even more so now that I'm sick. I keep wishing I could turn back the clock and hold him and be there for him more than I was. We learn too late.
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