Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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What a great post! I can certainly relate. No one I knew could believe how strong I was when diagnosed and throughout a good part of my treatment. Towards the end I fell apart. I had also lost my job just prior to diagnosis. I started looking for a new job last year and then got very ill with an infection throughout my radiated skin. I also lost my implant and had an open wound for 14 months. I often feel hopeless. I know a big part of it is Tamoxifen. I stopped in August and started feeling better buy my onc convinced me to go back on it. I really have to figure out whether I should stay on it. I have been taking it for three years.
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Janet, I know what you mean about the change of season blues. I live where it is over 100 degrees for many months at a time. School begins at the beginning of August and it always seems like a rough month for me. My 16 year old boy is gifted, but requires micro-managing and it gets old. On the other hand, my 12 year old daughter with learning difficulties seems to just cruise by. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I am patiently waiting the the blues to shift.
I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about the show from my childhood called Wonderama. I'll be 50 this month and just the mention of that show had me crying. Then when I was reading the comics last week, Luann turned 18 and every time I thought about it I started to cry. I couldn't believe that I was crying for a comic strip character growing up. WTF?? I'm with you, overall my life is very good, but some days are just harder than others. Here's to a shift in the energy of the universe!
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Foctober!! That is priceless. Gotta remember that one. :-)
I lost my Mom about 6 weeks before I was diagnosed. I was supposed to get my mammo in the fall, but on 10/10, the day before her 90th birthday, my Mom landed in the hospital, and I was sucked into the elder care vortex for the next 6 months. It was the most stressful time in my life...and I say that as someone who used to work all-nighters on a fairly regular basis. She died mid-March, after 8 days in a coma, and 6 weeks later I finally got around to getting my mammogram. I'm glad I put it off...I could never have dealt with her health issues as well as my own. And worrying about me would have killed her...I'm glad she was not around to see this part of my life.
But it also meant that I didn't really get to mourn her properly for a long time. The weekend we had planned to scatter her ashes, 4 states away from here, was my weekend recovering from my lumpectomy. We didn't get her ashes scattered for another two years.
Cancer has no respect for whatever else is going on in your life...like that bus, it just seems to come out of nowhere.
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Horrible time. Looking at your stats you have a well-behaved cancer that did not grow too fast during that time. Always trying to see the bright side, ugh!
I think losing my father was much worse than the cancer. It may have even caused the cancer because I suffered such terrible grief. I remember thinking I had to stop because no one can survive such pain and live.
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I remember reading on one of the boards here about how many women had gone through a very stressful time just prior to getting cancer. Supposedly by the time BC is detected, you may have had it for years, but I really wonder if a major stressor like a death in the family accelerates the growth.
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I think there is a definite connection. I had been trying to be a caregiver to my mom the last year and a half of her life. She died the day after Mothers Day 2013. then I started trying to help my dad and get things squared away disposing of her things, and I was diagnosed in Jan 2014. And I am so glad she wasn't alive, cause I know it would have hastened her death, as I am her only child. But after I was diagnosed, I know she was with me thru it all, cause every time I truly fell apart, I was alone and she hugged me.
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I've had two oncologists tell me that stress was the greatest risk factor.
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The stress thing is very interesting. I too had major stress, my ex partner walking out on me and the kids, just before Christmas...... I have heard that many reports state there is no connection, but I do wonder.
I have nearly eaten a whole tub of ice cream tonight...now I feel bad...
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And to make matters worse, it had caramel in it.
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Maybe I will try ice cream. I am very down today. Maybe Tamoxifen is playing a role in that. I am just so damaged by FBC but also by a lot of other things that happened.
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ok lets not beat ourselves up here. we all just did a really hard thing... maybe the hardest thing in our whole life, and it has left scars inside that no one will ever see. so if ice cream is gonna help you through a rough day- go on ahead. its the stuff inside, the way are minds go, that only people that have heard the word *cancer* applying to themselves, could ever understand. i am so glad that you guys feel many of the same feelings that i am having too, it makes me feel less alone when i can come here and see you. so thank you. ok?
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stress here too and living in a stressful situation
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Caramel ice cream is probably better than the bottle of white wine that I would reach for (although I've been alcohol-free since starting wellbutrin).
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I think the ice cream is better than the wine. I killed a bottle a week ago and gained 2 lbs, then I opened a new bottle, had 2 glasses and gained .8 ... ( Yes, I am on weight watchers and know better, but the ice cream would have been more satisfying....
We shouldn't be doing either, but every now and then, you gotta cut loose. Who wants a long life if they feel deprived constantly..... NOT ME.
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I have not been myself lately. I am always tired. Now that the weather is getting cool, I find that I cannot wear closed toe shoes. My big toenails are still damaged from chemo and they hurt. My hair is at a weird stage and I cannot lose weight. Oh well.
I do not understand the link between depression and ice cream. I glass of wine is a nice treat. However, the only true cure for depression is chocolate.
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OHHHHHH YEAH chocolate! I believe in taking some of that EVERY DAY!!!!!
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BosumBlues, my bottle of Wellbutrin came with a big NO ALCOHOL sticker on the side. Apparently there are 3 issues with alcohol and wellbutrin:
1. Alcohol lowers the seizure threshold. I'd wager that you have to have a pretty high level of one or the other to trigger a seizure; I'm on a low dose and would certainly not go on a bender if I do drink.
2. Wellbutrin is toxic to the liver, and so is alcohol, so the combination is more likely to cause liver damage. Sort of like alcohol and acetominophen, I'd wager.
3. Wellbutrin lowers the threshold for the effects of alcohol. People report both getting drunk more quickly, and getting headaches/hangovers more easily. Wellbutrin has already cause me a few headaches (literally), so I don't want to push it.
I could do with an alcohol-free stretch anyway, so I decided that I would abstain until I have my follow-up appointment with my PCP, which is in a couple of weeks. Not that I was drinking that much, but I was certainly not following the "avoid alcohol" advice that I see on pretty much every list of tips to prevent a recurrence. It's pretty much the only thing I was bad about: been avoiding red meat, eating my veggies, exercising, blah blah blah.
I have done a few stretches of abstinence over the last few years, and sadly, found that abstaining did not improve my fatigue at all. In fact, I think I was doing a little bit better when I was having a glass of wine each night...probably because it was lowering my stress level!
I know several people who say they have had alcohol while on wellbutrin. But I also know someone who slapped her forehead and said "THAT explains why my husband was so giddy and crazy that night!" Apparently he had a few drinks over dinner, and was behaving completely out of character.
If my PCP does give me the green light to not abstain completely, I'll try it very slowly...one glass of wine, at home, see how I feel.
OTOH, I've lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks with wellbutrin and no alcohol!
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HELL. I'd been zipping along, not thinking about cancer except for the followup appts. and when I refill my Tamoxifen. Might have know that I was living in a fools paradise.
My aunt (only 60, 7 years older than I am) died of lung cancer last month. At one point her doctor had been very optimistic about her long term prognosis, then all of a sudden things went to hell. Well that sucks. And I've been in kind of a funk, not just for my sake, but her kids, my mom, etc.
Then, yesterday a dear friend called. She told me she had a mammogram last week, then a biopsy, and she has an appt. with the surgeon tomorrow. I managed to hold things together while we were on the phone and I'll be there when she calls again tomorrow, but I'm not feeling very strong right now.
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Cindy, sorry you lost your Auntie. Sixty is too young.
I read this thread almost daily, I have not posted in awhile. I wrote a long, very informative, interesting post......lol.....a few weeks ago, let my fat fingers spread out, I lost the post ! Darn it!
I think of all you wonderful ladies & wish everyone better days. I still am on the roller coaster of post treatment. I am having a Zometa treatment in a few weeks, dreading that, and it's not a big deal.
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Hole, I'm not looking forward to the Zometa treatment either. Please let us know how it goes for you, Good luck!
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I have probably been drinking a little too much, too. I remember my breast surgeon saying two drinks a week was okay. Well, there are 7 days a week, c'mon! I have never worked out more or eaten healthier (except the alcohol) yet I have not lost one pound. I am blaming Tamoxifen and Gabapentin. Tamoxifen may be contributing to my sadness, too. Apparently I am going through the grieving process over all I have lost over the past 2+ years, according to my therapist. It will just take time and talk. It doesn't help that I found out today that milehighgirl just passed, a sweet voice on some other threads.
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We have lost 4 members that I know of, in the past month or so, this is the hardest part of this wonderful community.
I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now, to get help in getting "un-stuck" from this angry sad place that just sorta reached up and grabbed me. It really does help.
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Jeannie and Jennie: Thanks for reminding me to make an appointment with a therapist. I was given a couple of names recently that have experience with cancer and treatment. I need to get some of these thoughts out!
Two drinks a week? That is crazy talk! I feel that there is just so much I am dealing with like trying to lose weight, eating healthy, taking medication (that causes weight gain and body aches), avoiding paraben in products, dealing with the emotions and side effects that we ladies know all too well.... I want my ice cold Stella Artois at the end of the day, EVERY day; especially these days with the heat wave in California.
It makes me happy ~ so that's a risk I am willing to take.
Bless you ladies. Love, Purl
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What's paraben????
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Redheaded: It acts as a preservative in cosmetics and personal care products. Some studies have shown it to be toxic when absorbed into the skin. "They" have found concentrations of parabens in breast tumours. Plenty to read if you Google it and the markets are really pushing a lot of "paraben-free" products. Just one more preventative measure.
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One thing that irks me is how many of the cosmetics, lotions, etc. that I got in my goody bag from the Look Good, Feel Better workshop have parabens in them.
"paraben" is found as the end of a longer chemical name, e.g. propylparaben, methylparaben, benzylparaben, butylparaben
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i got smirks when i mentioned my fear of them to my gyno-onc! i didn't want that up in there!
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Purl - I'm with you on the drink at the end of the day! In my case, due to the chilly climate, its a warm glass of something red. I feel like I do everything right when it comes to diet and exercise and this is something I really enjoy. I went on the wagon to see if it would make any difference, but after a few weeks I was still exhausted soI figured it wasn't the booze that was making me tired. Likely the fatigue is all the postBC/ Tamoxifen stuff but man - I am so tired of feeling tired!
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Janet & Purl, you are so right ! Crazy talk, I drink way less than I used too, but I love a glass of good red wine, or a very cold beer after hiking or on the golf course. It is a ritual & celebration of life, hard work.
The fatigue is always there, I can be super busy for a couple days, then need a recliner day. I quit my job, early retirement, after treatment. My DH has a small business, so I pretend I am helping him with that. Lol....I assume the Arimidex is also a factor.
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Janet, I am sorry, but your stil feeling tired, is somehow making ME feel better! I hope we both quit being tired this net year.
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