Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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2Tabbies - I am sorry to hear of your mom. There is something about losing your mom that is different than anything else. Like losing a tether. I am sorry for your loss.
Chloesmom- I am sorry you lost your dad last month. It sucks anytime, but while going through something like chemo, it must have been doubly so.
There sure are some crap rolls of the dice these days.
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Thanks for kind thoughts all! Actually losing Dad hasn't hit me completely. I talked to a counselor about it and am just so overwhelmed with the PTSD of the surgery and chemo trying to get back into the land of the living, that it's hard to think about anything else. I worried that it was something selfish going on that I haven't cried for him like I did when I lost my mom and brother, but she reassured me that we can only process so much at once and in time will have the energy to do so. It might hit next week or months from now depending on how the healing process goes
When we are depressed we can't focus on what else is going on as much. It's emotional indigestion with the overload. Kind of like the fact that we were watching a movie when I was in labor with our daughter, but when having a contraction wasn't able to focus on the story. Never did see how that movie turned out! LOL.
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Thanks, Bosum. Yes, we are at that age. I was just thinking that myself. We hit middle age and have to deal with losing our parents as well as issues starting to arise withour own health.
Chloesmom, I figure my mom's death will really hit me when we have the memorial service. Although, Sunday is her birthday and then there's Mother's Day coming up. Those will be hard.
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Those special days are always tough. Last year I had a real hard time on my brother's birthday. Hope you have loved ones around to nurture you then
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I have my hubby and my kitties. They're good for fuzz therapy. I also have good friends. My family is scattered far and wide. Losing a sibling must be really tough. I don't even want to think about that.
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Spring flowers for 2Tabbies and Chloesmum
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Winter: I have been looking at "my" spring flowers photo you sent me everyday for 6 months. I have it printed and posted above my computer monitor. You sent it to me when my best friend died and it really brings me peace when I look at it and think of you and all the wonderful women on this thread. I have been keeping up with the goings-on and really want to extend my love and comfort of heart to those who recently lost a parent. I lost my mom 39 years ago and miss her all the time. Yes, we knew she was no longer in pain and that was a blessing, BUT......the heart so yearns to hear the voices and have them near. I love you all.
We have to get that future (drop in on Lily) Spain trip in the works by the way. ((((hug))))
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Love the flowers!
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Wintersocks, love the flowers! Thank you.
Purl, that's it exactly. We who are still here miss the ones who are gone. I still miss my father after 32 years.
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I am so glad I found this thread. Its a daily struggle and all those around me say that its over and I ought to move on. It doesn't feel like its over.
Anyway, I hate this more every day.
Last night I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt that DH told me to remove all cancer reminders from our lives. That he didn't want to see it, hear about it anymore. Then in the dream he threw my pill box into the drawer and threw my boobie comfort pillow in the trash.
WTF? its absurd, this is the most caring, loving, supportive man on the planet. He would never do that. Maybe I feel guilty for inflicting my disease on him.
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Raidergirl - I'm so glad you have a loving, kind, supportive man. Maybe it's you that wants to throw away your pill container, and not hear about it anymore. Or, maybe you do feel guilty about inflicting him on him. Which, by the way you shouldn't. You never invited cancer into your lives. It's not as though you brought home your horrible drunken college girlfriend to come live with you for a year and said, 'Look who's come to visit'. Cancer came uninvited and you are not responsible having had it arrive.
Your biggest responsibility right now is to look after yourself. Cancer is a job - a shitty job - but it is your job to look after yourself. And you should never have to apologize, and you should never feel guilty.
By the way, moving on is WAY harder than anyone tells you. I think you'll find on this thread that most people felt like they should feel on top of the world after treatment, but find themselves confused, sad, and slightly broken. WTF, indeed. You will also read that this struggle is a temporary part of the process. It really sucks, but just believe me when I tell you that you'll come through - and keep your expectations realistic. There's a lot of recovery and rebuilding that goes on after treatment is all over.
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JanetWise and comforting words. You're right I do feel guilty for inflicting this on him. He doesn't deserve it ( sh*t, neither so I).
I do want to throw all the cancer out of my life. I guess I want it to be as easy as hiding the pill box.
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Thank you for the encouragement, Janet. I too have found that "moving on" is WAY harder than I ever imagined. Why doesn't anyone tell us this? It seems pretty universal. The docs, no, they tell us nothing. But even the other "survivors" (I don't like that word either, but can't seem to think of a one-word term that's better) that I have talked to, never said a word about it. You'd think they of all people would warn us.
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hi! I wanted to respond to your post about friends who don't react or behave as one would expect. I had a different kind of situation altogether. I had a friend who , when I told her I'd been diagnosed, gave me all of the horrific situations. I still struggle with things she said about how my vagina would dry out, crack, bleed. About how my implants might not work because they migh rupture through thin skin.... Etc. what made it worse was her High grade cancer had came back stage 4after many years and she led me to think mine would too. Some things may be true, but please don't tell someone the day after they get their biopsy results!!
As a result, I did not want her hanging out at the hospital as she wanted to do, and she was upset. I tried to tell her later that I just wanted family there, and she really let me have it!
I ended up having stage one, no lymph nodes, low oncatype, and sometimes feel guilty. I went ahead and got the implants..my plastic surgeon wanted to know who told me they'd come through the skin because he'd never heard that one!!
I do wish her well, but have struggled with all of the horrible thoughts she put forward, so I'm hesitant to try to contact her, and she did say it was " all or nothing" . ,Meaning she us totally involved or not at all. I told her I had to pick notat all, because in times of crisis I really cling to my family.
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Why do people do that? I didn't have that experience with the cancers but when I was first pregnant with my oldest everyone took such delight in telling me every horrible story. Why? I had an easy birth. A healthy child. Why do people get such pleasure from inflicting pain?
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I don't know why!!! I'm super-careful when talking to someone who just gets that diagnosis. I try to give them the positives. Like my cousin who is 70 and is a thirty year survivor!!!!!
It has made it really difficult when the six month onco appt r old around. I get really anxious. ;(
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Jujube2 - that is horrible. The worst. I like you have been very cautious with being upbeat for other people who have a friend or themselves going through treatment. I don't lie, but I certainly don't tell them horror stories, and give helpful tips for making it through where they are at in tx at the time. Or helpful things shared with me.
I went through a period of time where I heard non-stop death stories from people I did not know well, but they knew I had gone through cancer treatments. I am not proud of it, that I lost my cool at one point and said- yeah, I better go, I will probably die soon too so I better not waste my time. I walked away. I know I was a capital B....but I couldn't take it.My ability to put myself in their awkward feeling shoes had run out. Your experience seems even a step further...someone who has gone through it who can't bring themselves to not pull back the curtain on all of the crap things that probably will not happen to you. Wow. I hope your sharing this reminds me to try even harder to keep positive for other newly diagnosed people.
Raidergirl, I feel your pain. I am glad you have a supportive husband. I am not sure when we get there.
I am exhausted today after having a two day garage sale. We made some good money & got rid of the clutter in our house, garage & crawl space. It is really the only time the neighbors come around much in our neighborhood, so that is always fun. Shortly before I was diagnosed, I replaced most of my Victoria's secret bras, so I put those all on the sale for $4 each. I sold all eight. I thought it might seem weird, but I wanted them gone & they were so darn expensive! I slept most of the day today recovering.
Next weekend is the breast cancer walk here. I am ready for the walk & hope my friends and family have some fun.
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Raidergirl, there are days when I'd sure like to throw away my Tamoxifen pills!
Jujube2, maybe that crazy friend of yours was talking about implant failure after radiation therapy. Rads thin the skin, and it can break down. That's the only thing I can think of. She sounds like somebody you don't need around during cancer treatment, that's for sure.
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jujune,
Sorry, but your friend should of kept her thoughts to herself. I did not want my kids at the hospital, let alone friends. I spent a sh*tload of time there. For me, ( I realize we all are different ) it was easier to weather this storm alone, or with my hubby. Easier, for me to be there alone. Makes me crazy watching him pace around, trying to fix stuff, that he has no control of.
I, also feel guilty. I have a scary dx. But, so many younger women, have a worse dx. It's not fair....I am heartbroken reading about young moms, who are battling this bc beast. I worry about my DD, what are her odds?
Raider girl, I love your snarky, pained attitude. Please, take no offense. I realize you are in living hell right now, but I wanted to tell you, I love your posts, you are a good writer. I posted on one of your threads, a long, very insightful post....lol....shit, my internet has been inconsistent, lost that post & numerous others. I am just coming out of the Cancer/chemo PTSD. My brain/soul is tired of the drama. I wish you the same thing.
It's exhausting, the never ending thoughts & worry....
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Raidergirl - Someone posted this link a few weeks ago. It's a good read.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/16/lost-in-t...
By the way - I hate pink too. Last winter, during a blizzard, I went to a hardware store to get a snow brush for my car. The only one they had was pink. I didn't buy it.
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Janet: Thank you for posting that article; a good one indeed! Also, I'm sure you've heard of Brene Brown, the author/public speaker who has the TED talk called The Power of Vulnerability. I'll attempt to attach the link below.
This morning, I was scrolling Instagram. I follow her and she posted the following, which made me think of you and many of the ladies on this thread. It read "I promise not to refer to your illness as a journey unless someone takes you on a cruise".
Have a nice week ladies..... let go of those who don't lift you up.
http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o - Brene's TED talk
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Janet, I wouldn't have bought the freaking pink snow brush either. Gag.
Purl, I LOVE the quote about the journey. I've always hated that metaphor. Another phrase that pisses me off is "new normal." Oh, just get used to the "new normal." I wonder if any of the people who say that want to trade. There ain't nothin' normal about this, baby. It may be the new situation, but one thing it is not is normal.
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Tabby
I had an old friend 85+. She use to say "If you had to, you could get use to a turd in your hat"
The new normal is that turd.
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'Normal is just a cycle on a washing machine' - Whoopie Goldberg
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Janet
Lovin it
I am going to use that next time the normal thing is brought up.
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Hi Ladies,Today was getting my port out day (it stopped working properly), I was so excited, one more step in the right direction. As I was sitting there waiting for the Doctor, there were two nurses in the room, both very nice, one started to ask why I had my port, what kind of cancer, etc., after I told her that I have breast cancer, she started to tell me about her one friend who couldn't have kids, was able to adopt and then was diagnosed with BC that went to her bones, her liver, her spine, etc and she has been fighting it for 13 years, I sat there with my eyes as big as saucers, thinking to myself, why in God's green earth would you say that to someone going through BC herself, I was floored!
Also, how do you let people know that you don't need or want anything that has breast cancer on it, I have been given a BC bracelet, a necklace, cups, shirts, stuffed animals, etc, I appreciate the thoughts and gestures but I'm really tired of seeing pink!
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6doggies
You have been "deported" lol. I read that in an article and that it was clever.
You should have asked the nurse why was she telling you all this? I bet my good boob her eyes would have gone OO.
I had people good intentionally try to give me PINK. I thanked them for their kindness and explained that I am reminded physically of BC every day and would prefer not to have any visual reminders but it would make me happy if they kept the PINK themselves as a reminder of all that is and all that could be concerning BC. Most took it well.
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I refuse to use the words "journey" "new normal" (what a nonsense that is, if its new its not normal is it?????) AND I hate hearing how being positive it so important......I HATE the positivity police..........................its all b++++++s and I haven´t seen a pair of those in years either............
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This is my 'new normal'.0 -
It's downright evil to imply that thinking positively will cure/avoid this. It's blaming the victim. As soon as they find the real, physical cure they will forget all about that "think healthy" nonsense.
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