I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Kassylou, I was put in a surgical vest right after surgery and my drains were pinned to it. I was in that for five days until my drains came out. My surgeon wanted me in a sports bra for two weeks with padding to cut down on fluid build up. I saw him after the two weeks and I didn't have to do that anymore. I found a good sports bra without seems helped quite a bit when it came to the nerves healing. I couldn't stand fabric touching the surgical areas. Eventually, that all went away. I use button up shirts most of the time. Knit fabrics tend to give me the sensation of heaviness on my chest. Just saw my surgeon for my six month checkup and he said that it's a phantom sensation, that my mind still thinks the breast is there, and that it should go away. Wishing you well!
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I still can't stand anything tight. I love button up shirts, preferably men's - all cotton if possible.
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Thanks everyone! You ladies are the best. I did get news today that my right breast biopsy was negative. It was a relief but I am hoping that I can still get a bilateral mx. Genetic testing comes back next week, then we schedule surgery.
I told a good friend today about the cancer and that I wanted a bmx. She was so disappointed. She said she loves my boobs and will miss them. She is small busted and would like larger ones. She is so funny. I told her that now she will be the busty one. She laughed. Her husband shook his head and left the room. I guess it was tmi. Haha0 -
Great news Kassylou! My insurance paid for my BMX even though the IDC was only in my left breast so I think (no positive) that it would depend on your insurance.
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Kassylou, I went from a planned lumpectomy on my left breast to BMX two weeks prior to my surgery date. I had no problems with my insurance company. I hadn't even thought about whether or not I would be covered. Just knew I wanted that done. Thank goodness, insurance did cover it. I would have had it done even if it wasn't covered. My surgeon knew ahead of time as well as his office. They said they would let the hospital know. Something told me the hospital either hadn't been told or failed to update my chart and low and behold as I'm taken back to what I refer to as the holding pen the nurse was surprised when she asked what surgery I was having and I said BMX. She was expecting me to say lumpectomy because that's what was on the chart. She said they would have to call my doctor's office. Like I would make that one up! Here's an up side to BMX. When you hug a girlfriend you get real close. Like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together! I'm still getting used to that and my surgery was almost seven months ago.
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I didnt like the surgical cami either. I found wearing a fanny pack to hold the drains worked well. For showers safety pin drains to a shoe lace or lanyard to hang around your neck.
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hi kassylou - i had modified radical bmx in october. i had idc in one side only, but insurance covered the bmx without issue. also, the drains are kinda sucky but pretty manageable - i preferred soft close fitting cotton t-shirts and i'd pin the drains (i had 3) to the outside of the t-shirt and wear a button down to cover them up. and i spent a lot of time watching movies - and slowing stretching my arm.
i have a question for folks here...
so since i've had the bmx in october, i've kinda gotten used to being boobless. i don't wear prosthetics, even though i have them. it just feels better to go flat. also, i'm really tall and thin, and since the bmx people have been asking me if i lost weight! or comment that i look even taller! and i kinda like that...
i wasn't very big before (a size b) so i think it's not that noticeable. i'm still likely to do reconstruction after my treatments (next July) but won't go big.anyway, i was feeling pretty good, and handling chemo pretty well. then today asked my husband why he is sleeping on the couch every night and he said he isn't attracted to me since the bmx. and he just doesn't want to be intimate at all. he said it about like that. i guess being bald and boobless i know i'm not exactly supersexy, but i don't think i'm repulsive. i make an effort to look good and was kinda having fun with wigs. i guess it just really hurt my feelings. i got in my car and drove around and cried a lot. i don't want or expect lots of porno sex or anything, but a little affection maybe would be nice. In anyone here bald and boobless with a husband? is there any intimacy at all for you? i'm just curious.
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Hi Nepenthes, I am sooo sorry your husband said that to you. It must have hurt like hell. I had BMX 18 months ago, and like you do not bother with prosthetics at all. I am so comfy, especially in the hot weather! I too am reasonably tall and slim, and no-one seems to notice ( I was a D-cup). I am very lucky that my sex life has not changed at all!! My husband can be a complete arse at times (stubborn, loud, the usual "guy" behaviour), but I have to say that he has ALWAYS made me feel sexy and attractive. It is still early days for you, so maybe he just has to get his head around it? I'm sorry I can't offer pearls of wisdom, just want you to know that I am sure you are just as gorgeous as you always were, and your confidence will shine through.
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Nepenthes, your dh is way out of line, in my most humble opinion. I think it is fair for a husband in this situation to have some problems with the whole ordeal. I can completely understand that he might need some time to adjust and rethink the whole sex thing. But sleeping on the couch? That is messed up. How about hugs, kisses and other signs of affection?
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My husband was afraid that he would hurt me during treatment, so it tooks some adjusting. I'm the one that's not too interested in sex - I guess it's the NO ESTROGEN thing, but he's fine. Maybe he's just afraid and doesn't know how to handle it - it might be good for him to see a counselor, or go to a support group for spouses, family, etc...
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Nepenthes, I do agree that there's something off with your husband. It may simply be fear of hurting you or fear of mortality, but his behavior is not a normal response. I didn't have chemo because I had widespread DCIS, but my husband never lost interest. Immediately after my surgery, i wore lacy camisoles for those intimate moments. Now, neither of us care, and it's more comfortable without.
I agree that counseling would be a good idea - if you can get him to go. As someone said - don't remember who - the most important sexual organ is the brain.
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i got up this morning and my husband had gotten into our bed sometime after i fell asleep. i guess he figured i wouldn't force myself on him if i was asleep and he could get far enough away from me in our king size bed. lol. sigh.
well thank you for the responses. i hate that i sometimes second guess my perception of something. just glad to see i wasn't totally off by being upset - which is what my husband thinks. i'll ask if he'll go to counseling but i'm pretty sure that'll be a 'no' - it has been a no in the past including in september when i was first diagnosed. and btw there is no affection, at all. no kissing, no hand holding, he DID hug me briefly last night but hell i get that from my coworkers.
i feel oddly liberated today. at least i know now the answer to this little thing tugging in the back of my brain for the last couple of months. i think it occurred to me this morning that the marriage may not last - just in a sort of matter of fact way. like adding another uncomfortable treatment to this crazy year of uncomfortable cancer treatments. what craziness.
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nepenthes ~ no, you weren't totally, or even the tiniest bit, off by being upset.
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Absolutely not.
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NEPENTHES: As if you didn't have enough to deal with . . . "Men, can't live with them ..." I have a wonderfully supportive, independent, servant-style saintly husband. He is 11 years older than I (not sure that makes a difference, in many ways). This will be TMI for some of you - he had prostectomy 7 years ago, is cancer free . . . but the after-effects of that surgery coupled with my loss of all hormones/ability to "feel" has made our sex-life nearly non-existant for these 7 years. NOW, with no boobs, we are adjusting to even more "opportunity" for sexual disfunction. I will say that my hubby has never vocalized any lack of attraction, etc. He has and is wonderfully supportive. The PRESSURE I feel is that of having no physical response during sex, and yes, I have been to the gynecologist on multiple occasions over the years - have paid for and discussed multiple pills/creams/devices to "assist." This is a WORK IN PROGRESS . . . and I'm not leaving the relationship (who would want me?) and I don't believe he's ever thought of leaving (he probably thinks who would want him - but he is a WONDERFUL man) . . . so, after all this TMI - I suggest you REST and TAKE COMFORT in what you know and feel. Give all this LOTS of time to work itself out, and KNOW that YOU are a survivor of all this, and are STRONG . . . We are hear to listen. . . . .
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nepenthes, this is about you and your health. You were not wrong in feeling upset. Particularly now, your emotions are very raw. Even in the best of times, a comment like that will hurt. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Hi, Nepenthes. I have to say I was horrified when I read your post. It hurt my heart ! Please know you do not deserve this kind of response from your husband- at a time when you need affection and support! That said, there is no way to know what's going on with him. Is it possible he is acting this way out of fear? If things don't
work out, there are plenty of men who would feel differently, I am certain. Please know that breasts aren't needed to be a sexy, desirable woman. Please nurture yourself and know you are worthy of so much more.0 -
Nepenthes--I am so sorry your husband has reacted so insensitively to your condition. My experience has been the opposite. My husband was my rock ten years ago, before we were married, when I had my first go-round with surgery, chemo, and hair loss; and he is my rock today as we face a second go-round. In his eyes, at least, I have never been anything less than desirable. I am so blessed...
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nepenthes. I can imagine how hurt you felt especially at a time you are very vulnerable. If you wrote him a letter, would he read it? Sometimes we are not listening, rather we are thinking of our response while the other person is talking. In a letter, you can explain how you feel and what you need. He will have time to think about a response instead of just talking.
i have done this at times with my husband and it has helped us communicate. I have read of some people keeping a journal that each person writes in, especially to share thoughts and feelings that are hard to say. I hope things get better for you and that you become more comfortable.
When someone treats you with disrespect is their issue, not something you have caused. Please feel free to pm or post anytime. We are here for you and you are most certainly not alone.
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The ladies are right Nepenthes, you absolutely had a right to be upset, and I am so sorry you have to live through that after all you have been through and are continuing to go through. if there was ever a time in a woman's life when it's ok to think of herself first, it's now. Anyone in your life that doesn't understand that needs a knock upside his head (normally I really am a non-violent person!). Continue to do whatever makes you feel good about you. And if possible, set some emergency money aside in a separate account he can't access in case the situation goes south quickly. I would also suggest you wait for him to come to you to talk. then make sure you tell him that you did not choose to get cancer, but you have it and you don't have a choice except to deal with it. He needs to grow up and deal with reality. Yes there is an adjustment men have to go through, and you understand that, but his adjustment is absolutely not harder than yours, and he needs to be thinking about you right now. My own husband had a hard time with it. I told him that I understand that he needs to get used to the fact that I am breastless, but if he can't - there's the door. Ultimately I have always been more than a pair of breasts and you are too.
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Djustme - I love how you say you are normally non-violent, I was too, then I got BC, it has made me want to stab myself and others with forks many times - thank God for ativan
Nepenthes - praying that you will have a good resolution.
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Everyone that posts here is wonderful! So much variety and understanding/acceptance of the choices we each make. So much helpful information that is shared with love too.
I had a BMX on 12/27/12 and found this website only days before the surgery because I had been having trouble sleeping. Up to that point I purposefully stayed away from the www because I was afraid I would get bad info - so I was just doing everything the professionals told me to do EXCEPT I knew I didn't want recon or foobs (and boy I can't tell you how many times those options have been brought up). I'm thankful I read here about the surgery or I would have been shocked that my nipples were missing! I am also thankful I found this forum topic because now I don't feel like a big weirdo since I knew I wanted BMX without recon the moment I was diagnosed. Right now I am happy chemo and surgery are behind me and looking forward to getting the radiation piece behind me too.
I just looked at the introduction to the recon information on this website and think they should consider rewording it to add the idea that being flat and without foobs can be a great option too (right now I believe it pretty much says you should consider recon if you think putting on and removing foobs will be a bother).
I'm so glad I found all of you Rack-less ladies!
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Lizzie, welcome! Love "rackless" lol!
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I have damage from rads to my MX area with scar tissue attached to muscle limiting movement amongst other issues, so I am having regular physio and it really helps - its a special kind of massage.....
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Lily55 - I have the same issue, what can you tell me about the massage - I have pain, muscle cramps, some limited movement.... would love anything that could help me.
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I am fuming today - background: a month before my surgery I got my boss's permission to move my desk to a less noisy location. Two weeks later she told me that she absolutely had to have that space for another girl coming back in April and that in April I will be moved to another co-worker's desk when that girl goes on maternity leave and then moved around as required to fill in for sick leave, vacation, mat leave etc... A week later she also made me take all personal effects and reference material off the wall (everyone else's space is personalized). I popped into the office last week and she avoided speaking with me. I emailed her today to tell her I would return on the 15th and that while I had absolutely no problem vacating the current space, that I am a permanent employee and require a permanent space of my own. She emailed back and said she wouldn't discuss it until she had a medical clearance certificate in hand. If she had no ill intentions towards me, I would have expected her to say that we would discuss it as soon as I was back, so I know this isn't what she meant. As she has already terminated 5 people in the last 5 years, I know that what she means is that as soon as she has the certificate she can terminate me without getting in trouble from the Human Rights Board. This woman is pyschotic and verbally abusive, if there was another job I could go to I would. Instead, I'm going to have to fight to stay somewhere I hate. (I only hate it because of my boss). I spent the day doing up a new resume. I will see the surgeon on Monday and ask him to state that I am fit for work, although initially I may have to work shortened hours or be allowed time off for physio. I want to be able to go back, but still have a bit of wiggle room until I can see if I can get things sorted. Hopefully the condition on the medical cert will help preserve some rights until I figure out what to do. Arrrrrrrrrgh!
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Lizzielou, I think my surgeon played a slight practice joke on me. I was DD's at bmx on 11/2/12. A the time my right breast had a mole at the very top. It is now in the place where a nipple would be which is almost right on the incision line. You would think she would have removed it but maybe she thought I would like a nipple. Hehehe
Djustme- if your position is eliminated, your boss can let you go before you come back. Be sure to document, document, document and if she goes that route, watch carefully and the minute she hires someone for your job, get a copy of that persons job discription and take it along with yours to an attorney.0 -
I had a mastectomey in November and right now I'm rocking the bald and left flat chested look. I don't even think about it. I am considering reconstruction but when I met with the surgeon the other day, I told him, i could totally go with this pre-teen A- cup on both sides.
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Hi Linda - I am lucky in that my physio has experience of working with scar tissue and collagen so he does a special kind of gentle massage over all the really tight areas, its not the most comfortable experience but some of it is still numb and after every session I notice a difference....this is to generate activity in the non burned tissue which then starts to soften the areahe also did some acupuncture in my ear which somehow gave me more flexibility in my shoulder after months without any!
I would ask around for a physical therapist who has experience of working with hardened or contracted tissue as a result of surgery - I also had ultra sound on contracted and rock solid scar tissue from previous surgery and that helped too......
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