I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Andrea - it took me a few months, but now I go flat all the time and do't even think about it. I was terribly upset before hand, but I didn't want the extra pain, extra risk for something that won't even feel like a breast.
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I was and am a total chicken. Pre BMX I was not informed enough but still am comfortable with my decision. 8 months later I am becoming more o.k. with this newly flat girl. This week at work I went flat twice and wore microbead foobs in my homemade slip camisole. I am physically comfy with both.
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Andrea, like kathindc I had thought some about what I'd do before it happened. Knew I'd have a BMX, which turned out to be a very good thing because the "good" breast wasn't so good after all. I was completely overwhelmed with fear at the time of my diagnosis and did not want to talk about reconstruction with anyone, at all, not the slightest bit, it was too much for my head. I thought I probably wouldn't want to do it, but knew I wasn't closing any doors by delaying the decision.
I was fairly comfortable being flat after a few weeks. But it took close to a couple years to lose the fear that people would peek down my shirt and feel like I had to have a cami or something like that on all the time. It was kind of a steady process of acceptance.
I still miss my breasts, but reconstruction wouldn't help me at all because what I miss is the nipple sensation. I'm very active and athletic and "cannibalizing" (credit to Starak) one part of my body to make a fake breast seems crazy. I also really don't like the idea of implants and foreign objects.
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Hi ladies!
I am just checking back in to let you know how I am doing and also thank you all for your support during a very difficult decision process. As I had posted back in December, I had my implants removed due to extensive radiation damage and capsular contractions. I opted not to continue on the path of reconstruction and I am so much happier for it. My plastic surgeon did a great job closing me up and making it look the best she could. I don't mind the look. I mostly stay flat but I did find a bra that works to show a little something for certain clothes. They are called Handful Bras and are super comfortable and go under anything. A woman I met in another forum, led me to these and I have to say- nobody can tell a thing! Even my plastic surgeon was impressed. I had a little seroma that seems to have worked itself out, finally. I am back to my race training and feeling pretty good. Oh yeah, I can sleep on my stomach again! I did end up with Lymphedema this time around. Very mild but a pain in the butt, none the less. I could only imagine what would have happened if I went ahead with the Lat Flap! I am still so thrilled with my decision and have adjusted to my flat look. My boyfriend has not been bothered by it one bit and I still feel sexy! I feel more me than I have felt during this whole 3 year process. So, thank you again for sharing your stories and for playing a part in my process.
Rebecca
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Hi Andrea,
I'll be very honest here. It's only been 5 months for me but sometimes when I see myself topless in the mirror, I just want to break down and cry - and sometimes I do. I'm fine looking flat with my clothes on - it actually suits me cause I'm small. It's what breast cancer has robbed me of that I have to come to terms with. My husband is totally fine with it - he's been an absolute angel. It's me - it's all me and my coming to terms with my body.
Having said that - I refuse to go through more pain and scars just to look "normal".
In New Zealand they ARE actually growing new breasts using stem cells and the results are really good. When they start doing the procedure here in North America I may consider it. Until then I'll soldier on flat as a board and learning to like it.
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Hi Rebecca,
Glad you're doing so well. I have a Handful bra and think it's excellent (I even recommend it on my non-profit website, BreastFree.org).
I just wanted to mention another bra that I think is great to give just a little shape. It's called Zee Bra! (http://www.thezeebra.com/shop.html). It was designed for small-breasted women, but because it comes with removable pads there are pockets into which you can insert breast forms. The material of the bra is silky smooth and there are no hooks or wires. The straps are adjustable. Downside--it's expensive. But I just wanted to let you know there are quite a few options out there that enable you to have a bit of shape while still remaining comfortable. In fact, I find it more comfortable than going flat, since my chest is rather bony and I feel less vulnerable with something soft between it and the world.
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I do not want new breasts. I am enjoying my freedom from bras - freedom from mammograms - and freedom from the constant worry because I had so many biopsies before the DCIS was found. I can do without the internal itch that comes on with too much extertion or too long in the wrong position - but anyone growing actual breast cells can keep them.
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Andrea, you do not offend at all, and I am glad you asked. First of all, for me, it was not a choice, because my surgeon told me I would have to wait two years for recon. My cancer was advanced, and he was concerned about the recon failing due to rads etc, did not want me to be burdened with additional surgeries while trying to recover from the cancer and wanted it to be easy to detect any local recurrence.
I am very particular and perfectionistic about how things look and I fully expected to be completely horrified by the flat, scarred chest. At first I was afraid even to look. Then when I finally did, it just wasn't so bad. I can't explain it to you, but it may be that it reminds me of how I looked as a kid and that somehow makes me happy. I do usually wear small fakes when out, because I am not quite ready to be a crusader/poster girl just yet (live in Greece, and cancer is still very taboo here), but just enough to make it look like there is something there. I do not miss the boobage or the bras etc.
In the beginning after my surgery, I still expected to do recon one day, so I started researching. The first thing that hit me was that recon boobs have no function, as in sexual function, and I realized that this is the only aspect of boobs that I miss. Recon won't solve that loss.
Then I went through oceans of before/after pics from PS offices. Often I would see a really nice recon job. Every time I clicked to see the particulars of a spectacular set, it would turn out to have been a recon done after a prohylactic, skin-sparing mastectomy or for a very early stage cancer with no rads used. Anytime I saw a recon done on someone with my DX and treatment it looked like frankenboobs, plain and simple, and in my opinion worse than the honest scar I have now. When I added to that the amount of surgery needed, the pain and discomfort (possibly chronic) and the high rate of failure, it seemed like a very unattractive option.
It is, however, such an individual thing and how you feel about it all depends on so many variables that no two women are ever likely to be exactly the same where this is concerned.
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Rebecca, welcome back and I am happy to hear that your "decon" worked out well for you.
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Hi Momine,
Your story sounds like mine. No choice really cause of all the rads I had. The surgeons tell me that its because the skin won't heal properly and in some cases the wound stays open too long and infection sets in. This happened to me after my last mastectomy and it was a mess. So no recon for me.
I did the research too and saw all the pics. NO Thanks. Yes - some look OK I guess but some of it is uglier than the two flat scars on my chest! All that misery for cleavage? Gimme a break! My first surgeon told me that recons never look like Hollywood boobs and they hardly ever balance left and right so your stuck shoving something into your bra anyway. And they would have to take it all apart if you had a recurrence (which I already did) - so why bother?
Solstice
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I want to try that Handful Bra. Went to the website and checked it out.
One question: Do they ride up?
I had something similar but because it was so lightweight it ended up under my chin in no time and making it super tight was just too painful. Looking for a lightweight alternative to heavy prosthesis.
Thanks girls (excuse the pun)
Solstice
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Momine,
I know what you mean about being a perfectionist. When I was trying to decide about reconstruction, I realized I'd probably be happier with a flat chest and the ability to wear perfectly matching breast forms than with reconstructed breasts that might not match (I've had rads on one side, which as you know makes unmatching more likely). Also, like you, when I looked at my chest I was pleasantly surprised. A little blemish on my face gets me upset but somehow a flat chest didn't bother me. Go figure...
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Erica, exactly, and I continue to find it slightly weird how little the flat chest bothers me. I sometimes wish the scars were a bit lighter and straighter, but even that I can live with. Not that it kept me from giving my surgeon a hard time about it the last time I saw him. Have to keep him on his toes, after all.
I looked at the Handful bra and was really pleased that they had a flattie in their product video.
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From what I've seen, riding up can be a problem. I thought I would get camisoles to prevent that problem. Some come with pockets, but they're easy to add if you sew at all. It's rarely too warm here, maybe 2 weeks a year. I don't think it would work in really hot weather.
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Funny, I'm large breasted and had a horrible time finding a prosthesis and bras (that didn't look like industrial bras) that worked for me, I actually spent close to 6 hours with the fitter (she's a saint), she was more of a perfectionist that I am, she actually sent me back to my Mom's (she's 3 hours from where I live) and asked me to come back in the morning after sleeping on it to see what else she could come up with - she found pretty and looked nice!!! Anyone living in Oregon should check out Ladies First Choice in Salem and see Joanie for bra fitting, be sure to make an appointment.
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I'm 100% with Momine - reconstruction is just like place markers, you can't even feel them, so the point would be to hold your clothes out. I have a young friend that's a BC survivor, she really pushes reconstruction, and she tried to convince me - but her reasoning was that it was easier to put your bra on (????) I looked at her kind of funny and said, but I don't want to wear a bra (and a little more). I think it made her understand the other side better. But like Momine said - she had early stage, prophylactic bilateral MX, no radiation, immediate reconstruction, and 3 years after she finished the recon process (nipple tattos). Funny thing is, she said she doesn't like to let her husband see her breasts (she was very young, 24, and newly married when diagnosed). She still wants me to see "her" PS though, thinks I don't understand the whole picture. She's the new patient navigator at my cancer center, she was an medical assistant before she got this job. Sorry about the random rant.
When I was diagnosed I wasn't so worried about losing the breast, I was pretty much done with it anyway
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Hi Linda,
I think what some people fail to understand is that, for some of us who have been through the wringer multiple times, wearing a bra, ANY bra is painful! Haven't we had enough pain?
Just sayin...
Solstice
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YES!!!! Solstice
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Thank you for the replies to my questions. This is something I'll be giving a lot of thought to in the coming months. I really appreciate the stories you've shared!
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Hi Linda,
I've noticed that, like your friend, many women who have had reconstruction are still uncomfortable showing their chests to their husbands or significant others. Some women who are flat have the same issue.
But then there are those who are flat who don't have a problem with it. My DH saw my chest on day one, even before I did. He's fine with it and I'm totally comfortable baring all in front of him. I know the same is true for some women who have had reconstruction. I think the point is that it's more a question of psychology--some women have a harder time losing their breasts than others. And, even though it might not be popular to say this, I think that the attitude of one's partner can make a huge difference. My husband hoped I would choose not to reconstruct and was relieved when I decided not to. He seemed so comfortable with the idea of my being flat that it helped me feel comfortable in front of him.
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Erica - my husband saw my chest before I did too, funny I had heard so many people say they cried and cried the first time they saw their chest that I was afraid to look, but didn't bother me when I did. Also, none of my famiy want me to have reconstruction, they would support me if I did, but they're 100% behind me not have recon, and 99.9% for me having my other one removed - my husband is thinking he'll miss it a little!
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Momine I feel the same re weird.. I sometimes think what is wrong with me.. shouldnt I be more upset about losing a breast.. will it hit after Im done treatment and the other breast is removed. I think having been an athlete with small breast they never played a part in body image for me and in terms of sexuality I dont think they do either. I actually am looking forward to when the other breast is removed and I dont have to wear a bra. I might even go crazy down the road and get a funky tatoo to cover the scars but the scars dont bother me either.
Im divorced and single and I figure if I do meet someone down the road, it will be a good way to weed out who is not for me.
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I wore a barely there bra and stuck in two inhancer pads just so I wouln't look concave about a month after my BMX. I went to the health food store and had a long conversation with a pleasant male clerk about supplements. When I got in my car, I felt something up around my neck... Both pads were sticking out of the neck line of my tee shirt. I kid you not....
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Oh, Dawn, how funny. I wonder what I would think if I saw that - I don't think even as an adult before my breast cancer I would have figured it out. I would have been puzzled and wondered.
My partner saw my chest before me. It was the day after surgery (my BMX was outpatient), and we had refused home health, so we went back to the surgeon's office for a dressing change. I was still feeling physically frail, and said "I can't look," felt this wave of dizziness. It wasn't a fear of my body looking bad, it was just all too much - the cancer diagnosis a little more than a week before, the positive nodes, the little kids, this sudden huge loss of a ot more than my breasts. She described my chest, and I when I could look a couple days later it was OK.
I still wish I could get some little piercings where the nipples would be. My darn immune system is so bad since the chemo, I'm scared to do it. I would feel so stupid if I got another round of cellulitis from it.
BTW, don't condemn my surgeon for my outpatient BMX: it's what I wanted, not what she pushed. She even told me there was a high chance I wouldn't be able to go home same day. When I came out of anesthesia I asked what I needed to do to go home, they told me, and I tried really hard and did it. Peeing and eating, I think. We did fine. I really wanted to be home that night for my kids. I had very good support at home.
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Rdrunner, I hear you, odd to be so at peace with it, but happy at the same time. I think you are exactly right about meeting men down the road.
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Dawn, you really made me laugh! I had a similar experience a couple of weeks ago.
It has been really hot here, so I had put on an Ahh Bra with a softee in it instead of my silicone foob. There was a yacht race on the lake out front of our house and my husband wanted some photos, so I was running up and down at the edge snapping pictures watching the race when I felt something brushing my chin. Yep, it was the softee. It had worked its way all the way up and was on its way out the neck of my Tshirt.
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Linda, Momine and Rdrunner, I feel the same way, and have wondered why I reacted this way.
I remember being in the room when my Mother was brought back from surgery for a Radical Mx in '94. I was so afraid to look at her scar, don't know why, but when I did see it, it was fine. I guess that is why I wasn't afraid to look at my own, and wasn't upset by it at all.
When I was in the Hospital and allowed to have my first shower, my young Nurse asked if she could come into the bathroom, that she would turn her back if I wanted her to. I asked her why she wanted to come in and she said that it was because ladies usually cry in the shower after an Mx and she didn't want me to be alone.
I had to reassure her that I wasn't going to cry, I was just fine.
It made me realise just how different we all are and what upsets one doesn't affect another.
I couldn't agree more Rdrunner about meeting someone down the track. In Aus we say "it separates the chaff from the hay!"
I had this conversation with my Husband and asked him how he thinks he would have reacted if I had had this done before I met him. He said he really doesn't think it would have been an issue to him.
Bearing in mind that he is in a wheelchair, so he has had his fair share of people seeing the wheelchair first, and then the person.
Another experience I had was with a woman I used to work with who I discovered had the same Dx as me three years ago. I called her when I found out to see how she was doing. She told me she had had a UMX and immediate reconstruction.
When I got my Dx some time later I called her and asked if I could "pick her brain?" we had a long conversation, I told her I was having a UMX without reconstruction. She was aghast and said, "Oh my God, how could you bear to look at yourself?" I was speechless! She then did a backpedal and said "Oh you know me, I am much to vain for that!" Yep, that's about right! LOL
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Ariom, your poor friend. That is quite a foot in mouth syndrome she has going on there, lol. I have often seen the argument for immediate TE placement made on the grounds that then the patient doesn't have the supposed horror of seeing herself without breasts. In a way I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to see myself without breasts and the chance to realize that although it is a bitch for all kinds of reasons to have BC and have to have this surgery in the first place, being breast-less really is not the end of the world.
Also wanted to add, in regard to your friend's comment, that I am very vain and quite particular about my appearance. Most people probably wouldn't guess that from looking at me on an average day, lol, since my idea of what looks good is a bit idiosyncratic and always was. But I really don't find that the boobectomy interferes with my vanity. I work out and am in decent shape. I believe that when you have had cancer you are allowed to buy as many shoes as you want
, and so in many ways I look better now, I think, than I did before cancer. I did have a spell the first six months where it was a challenge to work out what kinds of clothes, foobs, camis and bras would or wouldn't work with the new configuration, but now that I have mostly worked that out it is all good.0 -
Thanks for the welcome back Erica and Momine!
Erica, I love your website. It was also really helpful for me in my decision process to deconstruct. Wish I had seen it before I headed down the road I did but I do not look back. No time for that!
Solstice- I have had no issues with the Handful bra riding up on me. They are designed pretty well. I have used the one insert it comes with and then also doubled up with an extra insert and still no issues. I have a pretty large rib cage but am fit so a medium works just fine on me and is very comfortable. My friend who turned me on to them lives in hers and is a yogi and big runner. I have not used it to actually work out in because I just go flat when I ride my bike and go to the gym. I have used it in the Pilates studio a couple times and no issues. I really got it to have the option with certain clothes that I do not want to part with. Some insurances cover them too. Mine does not but they are no overly expensive.
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Like others OOps moments with my foob. When I initally used the light weight fluffy thing they give you and a camisole. It moved to the center. As my daughter and her friend (14) said at the time You have a uniboob! Mind you I was out with friends that night who said nothing.
Gotta laugh
Be well
Nel
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