2013 Survivors!!!
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Juneaubugg .. I would love love love to meet with you guys.. Please keep me updated!! I know I should never have read any of that damn stuff... I know everyone tells me this for a reason... But it's too late it's stuck with me.. Haha just spoke to therapist literally twenty minutes ago and she wants me off the Internet cold turkey... But what about coming here then... I would miss all of u... She wants me off everything! First time talking to her.... I did like here though.. Just don't agree with getting off these forums.. For the most part they do help me
Thanks for reaching out and I would very much like to meet.0 -
Scorchy-- Hooray! So glad you got good news!
Juneau-- Awhile back, our wise friend Scorchy said the anger comes and goes. Sounds like you're in the midst of a big burst of it, and you have figured out you were turning it against yourself. Now that you are aware of that, hopefully it will ease off. Be good to yourself.
46andsingle-- You have two issues going on here:
1. Your doctor is a dickwad.
2. You do not want to have chemo.
I'm sorry, my friend. The reality is that those of us with Stage II cancer usually have chemo, and those of us who are Stage II with small breasts are usually treated as having locally advanced cancer. The warning bell went off for me when you said your tumor is 5mm away from your skin. You will advance up to stage IIIB if it ulcerates your skin. The choice of having chemo before or after surgery is yours to make, not your doctor's. It sounds like you are willing to have enough skin removed for him to get clear margins. But you cannot leave it untreated. If you are going to get a second opinion, do it pronto. Your prognosis should be great with mastectomy, chemo and radiation!
I hope I have not freaked you out too much. The good news is, most of the people on this board got through chemo just fine! There are lots of good tips on these boards on how to handle chemo. The moderators have put links to several good threads on this page:
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topic/785189?page=1#idx_1
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Juneau...so sorry for your frustrations and fears..I know it sounds trite but time DOES help. I can't imagine not having a loving DH to help you thru this. My heart goes out to anyone that is alone. They may eventually find out they are not as alone as they thought!
Shianne..your comments are so uplifting and well said.
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Juneau, there's also the Swiffer ad where the lonely mop sings, 'Sexy lady, who's that lady?' That lady is YOU!
Shianne, thank you for reminding us all about being grateful. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but fourteen months since this thing came into my life so unexpected and uninvited, I'm a wiser, kinder, more compassionate and much more grateful person than I've ever been before. Life is so good again, there are so many blessings, and the glass is half full, not half empty.
My 36-year old cousin started chemo on Wednesday to shrink the tumour before surgery. She is getting a heavy-hitting cocktail of Taxotere, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I can accompany her on this road she has to travel, able to calm her fears, explain things, and tell her what to expect. My bc experience is of so much value to her, and in that small way I make a contribution to her life. This is why we are here; to help and support others, and in doing so, our own sorry selves become way less important.
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Liefie... Loved ur post.. We need guidance at times to help is through this scary journey
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Liefie, that's exactly right! Our experience can help others, then they will help others and so on. Juneau helped us, she started paying it forward by starting this thread :-)
Good luck to your cousin, I hope she does well!0 -
Thanks for the good wishes, everyone. I'm gonna go out this weekend and have a strong healthy Belgian press against my lips. Eh, beer, that is. I deserve it!!
Juneau. Since advice is free I'm going to give some.
The end of treatment and a covered head doesn't signal the end of the process. Be patient with yourself. You have gone through so, so much. And you need to let yourself process it all. That breakdown was part of it.
This whole survivor bullshit misses the mark. Now that you're past the chemical and physical impact I would think the real trauma sets in. Now you're not dealing with a crisis, now you're dealing with the back end of it all. The part where you're not dealing with it, but living with it. And I wouldn't be surprised if this is the hardest part. Seek help when you need it. Breakdown when you need to. You will prevail.
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Juneau.....what can I say that has not been said.....you started this thread for us ....a place to come together and vent, cry and laugh. You are a beautiful strong women and you will get through this and come out the other end even stronger than you are now.
Reading between the lines, your husband seems to be like many husbands I hear about
whose wives are dealing with BC....It's sort of like being in denial, which many men seem to be born with this "gift" including my own. They love us so much, they think if we don't
talk about it, all is fine and all is right with the world!!!!. Sometimes I think my husband is hurting more than I am...his way of dealing with it is that I've been treated, I'm fine, back to work, and yes, all is right with the world. Both my grown up sons sort of take the same attitude, but I know it's because they can't imagine their lives without me.
As for being sexy with or without your breasts....that's a hard one for me to relate to as I
had a lumpectomy, and besides I'm sixty-five ....😜...However, I don't think your husband married you for your breast s Juneau....he married you for the wonderful
person you are......Juneau....this is our "new normal" and the sooner we all come to grips with this, I know easier said than done, the sooner we can begin living life again, perhaps not always enjoying things we did in our past but perhaps needing to lower our expectations and taking joy in the little things.....sorry for rambling Juneau....just hate that you seem to be in so much pain right now. Ok...enough.....❤❤❤0 -
Juneau- ok lady just caught up on your post and remember I have see your fb pictures bf and after:) I still see a sexy women in those pictures! The one with your mom is awesome! I feel your pain on being stuck because I am there too. I am lucky in that for work I can wear jeans and a sweatshirt but when I have to get dressed to go out I know that I feel ugly even more so that I have to wear my dam glasses and no eye make up still:( I know this year aged me years in my looks! I used to look 10 years younger and now that is over. I weighed 115 bf Bc and now 130 and at 5'2 small framed I feel like I look like an upa lupa from Charlie and the chocolate factory but each day I start to beat myself up I remember how freaking strong I was during this year and that If I can get through that I should love myself. I find myself looking a people different now and I never judge because I know I can't image to know their struggles. I can control people who judge me at times this is the hardest because of course I want everyone to like me because that is who I always have been.
You post made tears come to my eyes for your pain but also because I can relate. But as I sat in that chemo room today during my infusion there was so much love and compassion in there it reminds me to be patient with myself, because I can't love anyone else if I don't love myself. Not easy at all most days.
I really hope saying and writing it out helped you:) I am sorry you had a bad birthday
Now dam it be gentle on yourself! We love you and so does your family and DH! 0 -
Still reading... But STRIDE to 46and... Your doctor is a "dickwad". BWAH!!! ROFLMAO!! I forgot how much I loved DICKWAD!!! It's right behind FUCKTARD for me!!! Haha!! And keep those sexy commercials coming. It's like Name That Tune! I really MISS THAT SHOW still.
Ok I'll keep reading now... DICKWAD... Hahahaha!!!!0 -
Heard on CNN of a new breast cancer drug, Kadcyla, that's just been approved by the FDA. It is for advanced stage bc only. They describe it to act like a heat seeking missile that targets the cancer only with way fewer SE's than regular chemo. I sincerely hope that many stage 4 women will benefit from it.
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OK ladies... I've caught up reading and I have laid the bat down (hopefully for good). I am going to a friends house tonight for a birthday dinner. There will be 8 of us (4 couples) all close friends (including the friend who told me my cancer was sucking the life out of her at right before my last chemo treatment). We have managed to work things out, friendship is work right... We are going to eat, NOT drink becuase we are all in recovery (in fact clean time ranges from 26 years to me with 6 1/2), and play pictionary on a easle board. We always laugh hysterically when we play. So ding-ding round two; lets try this whole birthday thing over again.
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Scorchy, Scottie and mcook.... You guys are so right. I think we all need to remember those very fine points. The survivor bullshit (lol I love that one!), our family hurting more than we are and not being able to do anything about it, and loving ourselves.
Juneau, now I'm trying to think of commercials and the chemo fog returns!!!! Lmao, I will return with one tho.0 -
If anyone needs a really good laugh at our new normal or the trials and tribulations of this beast go to the thread "you know your a cancer patient when".
Omg, I nearly wet my pants!!!0 -
Juneau sorry your birthday turned out that way but hopefully tonight will be better! I too am in that anger stage and trying to figure out how to get out of it. Along with hating my body!! But I guess we all need to go thru this in order to deal with it and move on.... Eventually!!!
Ok. Think we all need this!!..
You're insecure,
Don't know what for,
You're turning heads when you walk through the door,
Don't need make-up,
To cover up,
Being the way that you are is enough,
Everyone else in the room can see it,
Everyone else but you,
Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
If only you saw what I can see,
You'd understand why I want you so desperately,
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful
So c-come on,
You got it wrong,
To prove I'm right,
I put it in a song,
I don't know why,
You're being shy,
And turn away when I look into your eye eye eyes,
Everyone else in the room can see it,
Everyone else but you,
Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
If only you saw what I can see,
You'll understand why I want you so desperately,
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na [x2]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful (Oh),
If only you saw what I can see,
You'll understand why I want you so desperately (desperately),
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful
http://m.youtube.com/#0 -
Sorry the link did not work but in case anyone doesn't know it One Direction! Lol
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Welll fuck Juneau. I cannot say anything more than everyone before me, so many wise words – so for once I wont say anything. Except we love you and are here for you, whatever your emotion. Better out than in girl. This too will pass (who has that on their tag line… someone on these boards). Chemo fog reigns. Have a great dinner and lots of laughs with your friends tonight
Melissa – beautiful words to that song.
Thank Fuck its Friday afternoon… still at work, but really cannot be arsed to do anything… hence my post to you guys.
Waaaaaay too many posts to responds to all. I have read them though, and with every post I am so thankful (although sorry) that you are here. You share, love, support and hold us up when needed.
When I was in my early 20’s and going through a ton of really bad issues I was given a book by Louise L. Hay called “You Can Heal Your Life”…. I don’t even know if it is still in existence as that was like 30 years ago. I just know that it really helped me change my way of thinking and self-loathing. I suppose The Secret is today’s version… don’t know cos I didn’t read the secret.
Hugs to us all sisters xxx
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Tazzy; I love Louise Hay! There is a companion workbook with it these days. I have them both. Ok gotta go... Pictionary time now!!!
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So my friend and boss I told you has her lumpectomy date of March 5 - happy she is being seen to quick. She is having a fine wire insertion to map between lump and suspect node. Anyone here had that done... how did they get on? Hoping upon hopes that she wont need chemo. and hopefully not further surgery. Would love to hear from anyone how they dealt with this.
Hugs xxxx
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Just an update. Had my eye surgery. Doing well, already seeing a little better, so, if you take tamoxifen and have teary eyes get thee to an optomolgist and have him check you out for a tear duct blockage. Dr. says had we not dealt with this we could have had a much worse outcome. As it was he replaced part of both tearducts, and gave me a Blair Witch Project out take look.
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cindy: happy all went well with your eye surgery.
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Hi gang,
Dr. calls me with results from physical and bloodwork etc. Cholesterol up (has always been high, but he always thought ratio ok...still wants to watch and see)...but the new kid on the block is thyroid numbers. Never had an issue ever before but now they have shot way up, indicating underworking thyroid and wants me to start on Synthroid. Said he is sure rads had nothing to do with it as I had no rads in the head/neck area. My brother has had mild form of this for awhile so is it genetics just like the cholesterol? For someone who never barely took an aspirin before BC, I am now on Arimidex, vit D, baby aspirin all prescribed by MO along now with synthroid. Oh and also an antiinflammatory as needed for the still sore shoulder. At least the dizzies are gone...maybe in a few months I should ask for this for my bday? Geesle pete....anyone else on hypo thyroid meds? Wondering what other SEs may lurk.
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Juneau- You broke my heart today on your post. It does suck with the way our feelings are. Let me just say that you are a BEAUTIFUL woman. Your hubby loves you just the way you are, I can promise you that. I think mine wants to strangle me on most day and I probably deserve it. I hate when things get fucked up on my birthday or my birthday week. I hope you have fun tonight you deserve it. And as Ramols said look at what you did on this thread! You brought ordinary people together who are fighting against the same damn disease. We have all come together to give each other advice, cry with, support and to give each other shit just because we can, and we know that no one is going to get pissy with each other. We may not be related but we are family regardless. I love you Juneau!
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Juneau, Dare I to even comment because I don't know you well or your back story so please accept my statements as guided mostly by assumptions because from what I've read you are one heck of a woman who I admire for your honesty and strength. With that said I agree with Scorchy when she said that this is a process from which you will prevail, and you need to be patient with yourself. In posts you have mentioned that you are an addict (recovering of course) which I see as a life long process. The concept of addiction includes a struggle with self control so of course it is normal for you to hate what you can't control....it has been and likely will always be an issue that angers you but in my opinion that is healthy. I say that because by being a "recovering" addict that means you not only are capable of conquering (have the ability to) what is difficult for you physically and mentally but you are able (have SHOWN the skill and knowledge) to overcome. So that brings me back to my reference to Scorchys statement. This is a process from which you WILL prevail. It is great to get out those emotions...you said it yourself that keeping it inside is counter productive to your success. I think that just sometimes you may need to remind yourself of the strength you already know that you possess. So now that I've said all of that please know that I was not using the addict reference in judgment but in love from one survivor to another but mainly as an acknowledgement of YOUR continual personal triumph!
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Scorchy - wonderful news!!! I can see you smiling from here.
Tazzy - I had a wire insertion on the same day I had my lumpectomy. Don't want to scare your co worker but its pretty awful. I asked the Doctor/tech or whatever he was for lots of pain medicine. I guess he saw the fear in my eyes, because his helper nurse says he never used that much pain killer. That's when I learned to ask for pain killers. So... It didn't hurt but tell your co worker not to look down. I did and seeing a long wire coming out of my breast almost did me in. After that they taped the wire to my chest and I went off to surgery. I was a few hours early but my surgeon came in to see how I was and I told her I had a terrible headache. She said to tell the anesthelogist who was already getting me ready. She asked me if I wanted to go to sleep to which I said yes! Everyone I asked for helped - was Johnny on the Spot. The rest is history.0 -
Janeau, big hugs....cant really add anything as it has all been said....but f**k cancer......the worst se is the uncertainity it brings.....or should i say the focus it brings on our own mortality and battered bodies. Its hard not to compare the old normal with this new found uncertain normal and all the enforced changes to our bodies. Shari0707 welcome.....Like you i read Dr google and read studies that scared the cr@p out of me...i to had micro mets , i read one study which had terrible stats which lead to a meltdown and then i read a report about micro mets here on bco which gave a completely opposite view. The report on bco was backed up completely by my onc.....so that is the one i focused on. It was posted in aug 2011....so you will probaly get some comfort from it. :)Janeau is completely right in that you can only be 100% dead or 100% alive. I know of quite a few women
(Youngest was 18 when diagnosed) who have recently celebrated 10years on the clear. Previously young (and i class myself there at a ripe old age of 44!!!) Were not considered at risk of bc therefor were often mis-diagnosed and by the time they got a proper diagnosis the cancer had advanced. As diagnosis and treatment is so much better now, i bet the next study produced ten years from now will show a different stat for younger women.Good luck with curves Joanne. Shianne29 you do bring home the positives we forget....I have never felt more supported and relationships that had soured over petty things years ago have been re-established whilst the false friendships have been exposed. Ok I must go and start my week- end
Have a good one everybody.:)0 -
Juneaubugg,
I have been thinking of your feelings at the birthday dinner and also about not feeling sexy. I have never felt sexy or feminine so I used my mind which was always my buffer to keep people away. It especially worked on men because I made them feel dumb so that I would feel better. I always tried to make myself feel better by climbing up the backs of others. So not healthy. The weird thing for me is because I have never felt sexy (or feminine would probably be a better word) the BC has brought out a more feminine side. The lumpy scar, the port scar, the baldness with ugly head scars and bumps and fighting the weight gain from chemo stuff has made me feel better, more feminine. However, I do avoid the mirrors and go with what I feel inside as was suggested earlier. I put on make-up, polish my nails, never did before because frowned on in nursing and didn't have luck growing them, now for some reason my nails are growing (probably because I have worked for 43 years with my hands in water and this is the longest period I haven't worked). Anyway I have digressed into about me as usual.
My husband who has been in recovery for 10 years this time, tells me I have to many expectations and therefore I open myself up to resentments. I have only been in recovery this time for 2 1/5 years and that is questionable because of what I have felt over the last few months. Clean with prescriptions but mind a sick neighborhood. IMHO having felt pretty and sexy and now you don't is kinda normal for where you are right now. Trying so hard to get sexy back, eyelid lift, tummy tuck all thoughts along with unrealisted diet restrictions at a time when maintenance is what is needed. These are unrealistic expectations. Don't you have enough to deal with right at this time. Be as kind to yourself as you are to us and KNOCK THE SHIT OFF!!! Now I know I should just share my experience, strenght, and hope, however, I want to pick up your bat and hit you with it. BE KIND TO JEN, I insist.
Love and hugs, Sheryl
Hugs, Sheryl
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Ireland20, ur post brought a year to my eye.. To know I am not alone in the bad habits of googling and reading studies and then also to hear about that 18 year old ten years out! And the idea that soon the outlook for us younger girls will not be as dire as it once was.. Thanks for ur positivity and feedback and I can't thank u enough for making me smile when I woke up this morning!
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Good Morning ladies
So woke up this am at 3 am and in my mind was ...I need a life change. So I keep going back in my mind that I wonder if I could go back to school for a medical degree. Maybe nursing? I wonder if I could be a chemo nurse? I just want to make a difference and have a purpose and struggling with what I really want but that sticks in my mind. Would love to work at a hospital but maybe some of you in the medical field can give me some insight on career paths?
I am not very patient so first thought this am? So what if I just quit my job? But think a plan is a better idea:) feel free to PM
Have a great day everyone! And if anyone figures out the retirement option I am all in! Waking up @ 3 am every day stressed about my current life is going to put me in the same situation I was in last year with a whole different outcome!
The thought of going back to school is scary but so was fucking cancer!
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mcook: makes you think that way sometimes eh? Our Cancer Agency here does not allow ex-patients to even volunteer at the agency for a year.
Could you do nursing in all its other aspects? That for me is the question to ask yourself.... you wont just be a chemo nurse at first. There are lots of other careers in the medical field - diagnostic imaging techs... rad techs... they all make a difference.
I know what you mean though.... this fbc makes you really disect your life and its purpose. May as well do something worthwhile whilst we are here eh?
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