Husbands/Partners of Stage IV Breast Cancer
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MfromAus - I am so sorry. It's incredibly hard. I remember how hard it was when my husband passed away 6 1/2 years ago. Allow yourself to grieve, cry, scream...And come here whenever you need to. I know this sounds tacky, but it will get better. But there's no rush. I know how you're feeling - it's such a lonely and dark place. Sending you and your children good vibes, support and hugs.Linda
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MfromAus, I am so sorry for your pain. I pray that you find things that help you make it through such grief, even if it is just an hour or a minute at a time. Please know that the grief you feel is a way that you are expressing the love you have for your wife. Many hugs and prayers for you
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MFromAus, I don't have any words of wisdom. I too am so sorry for your grief and pain. This will take time, lots of time. Lots and lots of hugs to you and your children.
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MfromAus - Just saying hi to see how you're doing.
Prayers for you and your family.
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Hi Linda,
To be honest I'm very confused at the moment.
Last weekend I went out by myself for the first time in over 20 years, I had organised a catch up with someone to talk about something other than work or cancer. I hadn't seen this person for 30 years (since we finished high school) and we moved in different circles then so we only really knew each other by name.
Strange thing is a one hour catch up turned into 4 hours and we're going to meet again tomorrow. Part of me knows that I have been grieving the slow loss of a husband/wife relationship for years. My brain is screaming at me that it's too soon, but my heart is saying, tomorrow is never promised so don't be scared. But I am scared, terrified in fact. What do others think? I know Julie told me not to be lonely, but I was not looking for this and never expected it in any way.
My head is all over the place, sometimes I feel like a school boy again, other times I get really emotional that I have feelings for someone else.
I've told the boys that I have met someone that I'm going to get to know and they are fine with it, but there is no way I could tell Julie's family. I am so confused.....
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I'm glad to hear you met someone. I understand you have mixed feelings, but hey you only saw this person once and seeing her again tomorrow. It doesn't change your feelings for Julie and her family doesn't have to know anything yet. Julie told you not to be lonely and she was right. You will still grieve her and seeing someone else will not take the pain away from your loss. And you don't know where this will lead to for now. And if your kids are OK with it, then all the better. You're still a young man, you've been through rough years and you deserve to have some happiness in your life. Take it slow and allow yourself to have fun and to grieve when you need to. I say, take what life brings you, life is too short.
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Thank you Linda, I need to hear some validation that I'm not cheating on an emotional level. Still feels very strange though.
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Hi everyone. It is so devastating to read all the stories on here. My super awesome 36yo wife was diagnosed with breast cancer a month and a half ago. It's been a long process getting the all the tests done. We were shocked when they called us in last week and told us they had found spots on her liver. Now the surgery we were anxiously awaiting has been put on hold and they are now doing a biopsy and bonce scan. I left my job to go back to school a year ago, so right now my wife is the only one working. I have to quit school because we will no longer be able to afford it. I want to find a job, but it's been difficult because I also need to be there for my wife. We are praying that the spots on the liver are just a huge coincidence and turn out to be nothing serious, but we know that is not likely. My wife is so dear to me and I'm barely holding it together. We have been together since High School and will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow. We are trying to stay strong and positive, but we know the odds are not in our favor. My wife is my best friend and has always been there for me, it's been extremely hard for me not to start crying every time I look at her beautiful face. She still looks like the picture of health, and it breaks my heart to know the pain and fear of what she is about to go through.
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socaredhubby - I'm sorry for what brings you to this thread but welcome. Sorry to read what you are going through - the waiting part is the worst. I would urge you to not come to conclusions before you get the results. Easier said than done, but imaging can show a lot of things that are not cancer related. It's happened to me a few times and to many others on this site. It certainly generates a lot fear and anxiety. I'm glad her doctors are being very thorough. Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. There's a lot of knowledge and info on these forums - don't hesitate to ask questions. Happy Anniversary tomorrow.
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Soscaredhubby-
We want to welcome you to our community here at BCO. We are so sorry for what brings you here, but we hope that you find this to be a supportive and informative place when you need it most.
We know it's difficult, but like Linda, try not to jump to conclusions, and wait for all the test results to come back. It is possible that the spots on her liver aren't related to the cancer in any way, and are just coincidental. We'll be hoping for the best possible outcome for your wife, please keep us posted!
The Mods
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soscared- praying for good news. Livers are notorious for spots. I am an ICU nurse and see weird things on liver scans a lot. I had the spots callback too. It is very scary but mine turned out to be just cysts, and I hope you get some similar results.
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Thank you LindaE54, The Mods, and clarrn. I wanted to find a place where there were others who understand what we are going through, and have knowledge of the disease. I initially went to my parents for support, but they love my wife like a daughter and have been inconsolable with the news. Reading all of your stories made me realize I need to chat with people who are going through similar circumstances. I need to be stronger for my wife and want to understand how I can help her.
We are absolutely praying the test results come back in her favor. The Surgeon who told us about the CT scan results said that the spots definitely looked worrying, so that is why we are so scared. We go back and forth between holding onto hope that it turns out to be a coincidence, and not wanting to get our hopes too high. I was pretty confident the CT scan results were going to be fine. When they gave us the news about the liver, I had a panic attack and nearly passed out. They had to call the nurse for me. (A fact my wife likes to tease me about when I'm calm.) Thankfully I recovered so I could hold my wife as they explained what they found. I want to be strong for her, but this is extremely difficult for me to deal with. I can only imagine what is going through her head. I know she is scared. She has had break downs from time to time, but has been amazingly calm for the most part.
We had to replace our oncologist because she never seemed to have time for us. We are concerned about how long this is taking. She first saw the Doctor about the bump in her breast at the beginning of June. Since then they have been just scheduling appointments and test after test. Does it normally take this long? We were anxious to get the surgery soon, and now we are back to test after test. We have the biopsy scheduled for Thursday and the bone scan on Friday. Tonight we are going out to a nice restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. We are praying that we have many more to come.
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Soscaredhubby - It is a shock to receive such a diagnosis. It's an emotional roller coaster and it takes time to wrap our heads around it. Very hard on the spouse as well. Is it normal that it takes so much time? It's always too long. We want answers yesterday LOL! But things are moving since June and you should have some answers real soon. All this testing is extremely important to have the appropriate treatment. And unfortunately, testing remains on the agenda and it's nerve wracking. We call it scanxiety on these forums.
Go out and celebrate tonight! Allow yourself some time off from cancer. I raise my glass to many more anniversaries!
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Thank you LindaE for your comments. We are going to have a good time tonight!
We can understand that it's never fast enough. I just wish they would have done all the scans to begin with. We've had an ultrasound, CT scan on abdomen, MRI on breasts, and now a bone scan. I'm afraid they are going to order a brain scan next. They did a echocardiogram yesterday. Hopefully, it comes back strong. She doesn't have any known family history of cancer, but heart disease is another story. She's a 36 year old woman who excercises almost daily, so it should be OK.
I have read the stories on here and can understand how much of a roller coaster fighting this disease can be. I was in tears as I read MfromAus posts when I found this thread. It would be so devastating to go through that. I'm not sure I am that strong. I've always thought of myself as mentally tough, but when it comes to my wife, that is my soft spot.
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soscaredhubby,
I was holding off commenting only because I wasn't sure what to say. That sounds crazy coming from someone who's been there, but everyones journey in unique.
It's not about strength, at least it wasn't for me. It was about a promise that I made that included sickness and health and I stuck to my promise.
You will have good days, you will have tough days, just make sure that you're honest with each other about how you're feeling. Your wife is the one diagnosed, but together you are a team who will face the challenges ahead together.
I absolutely agree with the other comments, waiting for test results is worse than anything else.
I wish you and your wife a fantastic anniversary dinner, and pray that you have many more to come.
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MfromAus,
I understand. I really didn't know what to say to you either. My wife's diagnosis was almost exactly the same day your wife passed. Your story was difficult for me to read. I am so sorry.
I do understand that we need to be a team. I feel like we've always been a team, and if you asked others about us, the word team would often be used. I also understand this will be the biggest test either of us will ever go through. The fear, pain, roller coaster and of course, "scanxiety" is going to be a huge drain on both of us. I'm so afraid to see my wife go through all of it. She had her biopsy today, we are hoping for the best. Even my wife says that after seeing both the lesions in her breast and liver, that they look very similar. So we can understand why the Doctors are so worried. It can't be a good sign when the surgeon starts crying while telling you right? That being said, we haven't given up hope that someone up there just has a really bad sense of humor.
Today was just the biopsy and it was still difficult. My wife was gone for much longer than they originally said, and I began to worry. When she came back she was in a lot of pain. They gave her meds and she felt better for a while. We left a couple hours later and went and got lunch. After eating she nearly passed out and we had to leave. She is laying down now and still feeling pain. I know today was just a molehill compared to the many mountains ahead of us. I couldn't stop thinking about that fact throughout the day.
Our anniversary dinner was a mixed bag. We had a nice dinner, but we both struggled to keep the conversation away from what is going on. It became quite frustrating. When we got home we rented a comedy and things got better. I thought the movie was fairly meh, but she was laughing and that made me smile. The night ended well. *wink
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soscaredhubby,
One of the things I found through the 6 1/2 year journey I went on was that cancer slowly but surely infiltrates every part of your life. Don't think there is anything strange about trying to have a conversation that doesn't include it. Distraction is a wonderful thing and funny movies or spending a couple of hours on youtube having a laugh is a great respite.
Stay close to each other, talk lots and laugh at every opportunity.
Prayers and best wishes to you and your wonderful wife.
M
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Thank you MfromAus.
I am definitely starting to realize that. It seems like every day there is another appointment or discussion with the doctors. Every conversation turns to what we are going to do as a result of what is happening. Like I mentioned earlier I left my job a year ago to go to school so we are very concerned with money and insurance. My wife has been set up to work from home when she needs to, does anyone else do that?
The biopsy and bone scan are done. We are just waiting for the results, which is going to make for a long weekend. The medical office create drama yesterday because we didn't like our previous oncologist and decided to switch to a different one. We also complained because our former oncologist discussed our case in the waiting room in front of other patients which we felt violated HIPAA. Well, they called and said we should get a whole new medical team because of this. Basically threatening us if we filed any official HIPAA complaint against their colleague. SO frustrating. I just want to get treatment for my wife. That oncologist was sloppy and slowing things down. I was in shock that doctors would do such a thing. I called her primary doctor and we got things back on track. We weren't filing a HIPAA violation we just want to start the fight. We were upset with the prior oncologist because we were told by another doctor to expect a call in a day or two for the liver biopsy and she we didn't get a call until the next week. I am freaking out about how long everything is taking.
I know some of you had said liver scans sometimes show things that end up being nothing serious, but has there been times where the doctors thought it was cancer and it turns out it was something else after biopsy? I have been trying to find something it could be, but have had no luck. We are praying that it comes back negative. I don't think I am going to sleep much this weekend. I am still just amazed how my wife seems totally normal, yet she has this terrible disease inside her.
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Bless your heart we all can relate to your fear factor. We also know all too well waiting is brutal. Having said that there is no excuse for a dr not returning phone calls for days on end. I went through that with the clinic I go to so I bypassed the dr's office and talked to the customer service person for the clinic. She is my go to person now. We have to be our own advocates and you have every right to expect results in a timely manner.
My sister has BC and something showed up on her liver but it was a cyst. She also had a nodule on her lung which turned out to be nothing so it is possible it's nothing serious.
A lot of us have taken, and are taking, anti-anxiety meds to help us cope. No crime in that at all given what we/you are dealing with. Financially, see if you can work out a payment plan. I did that. We do have insurance but a large deductible that we met in 2 months after I was DX. Thank goodness we did because I had 33 Rads treatments that insurance paid 100%. Those treatments can cost 30k and up.
This is an extremely difficult journey but you and your wife can do it. We are all living proof of that. Don't get too exercised reading dire reports from the internet. It will make you crazy and besides it doesn't mean it applies to your wife. A lot of us did that too mainly for research but ended up scaring ourselves.
You are stronger than you think and so is your wife. Yes there are stories on this website that are heart breaking but by the same token there are lots of joyous one as well so keep the faith and keep us posted.
Diane
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Thank you Diane. I have asked my Doctor for anxiety medication. I also have to say that those of you who told us not to jump to conclusions because of the scans were right. We got a call from very surprised Doctors this morning. Biopsy of liver and bone scan were both clean. Surgery is back on. Thank God!
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Woooohoooooo!!! Celebration tonight! So happy to hear that
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Wonderful news. God bless!
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Terrific news - yes, you need to take the anti-anxiety meds (your wife maybe not). Sending Hugs, S.
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Hot diggity so scaredhubby! Congratulations!!
MfromAus, I wanted to respond to your post from a page or two, about being interested in someone. You are grieving, and have been for a very long time. It's quite natural for you to want to feel good and enjoy yourself.
The normal thing grief counselors tell any widow or widower is not to make any irrevocable decisions in the first six months. My advice would be to have a good time, but be careful. Your children come first. You need to be there for them as well as yourself.
I see both sides of this situation. I totally understand your point of view, but have watched my uncle and a cousin lose their families (in one case literally -- the kids have moved out of the house to a neighbor's) after their wives died of cancer. They were in such pain of their own that they couldn't stand to be alone and lost sight of everything else.
Wishing you the very best. You will get through this. I have every faith.
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Soscaredhubby - Wonderful news! Nice wedding anniversary present!
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Thanks everyone! It was a great relief, many tears of joy that morning. Now we are back to focusing on beating this thing. We met with the new oncologist and she seems much more on top of things that our old one. We are frustrated because they scheduled the surgery for 8/21, which will be around 72 days after diagnosis. I voiced my concerns about it taking so long and the oncologist prescribed my wife tamoxifen to take while we wait for the surgery. My wife didn't have any discomfort or signs of anything in her lymph nodes when we started out, but now they are starting to bother her and one is swollen. I know now not to completely freak out before we know anything for sure, but it makes me nervous since the process has been so slow. They said it may have been caused by the biopsy, so hopefully that is what is going on. I also wanted to ask if I need to move to another thread? I'm not sure where I belong since we won't officially have a stage until the surgery.
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im not a husband, I'm the wife. My husband was diagnosed in March 2014 with breast cancer that turned out to be triple negative. They couldn't get the dye to go thru his lymph nodes so they took 40 nodes out from under his left arm on the day of surgery. Sixteen rounds of chemo later, we thought he had this beat! At the two week post chemo mark, his arm was swelling and he felt like crap. I assumed lymphodema had started and his yearly bout with walking pneumonia was starting. We walkedinto onc office to do blood work, they took one look at his arm and feared a blood clot. Off to xrays we rushed. They didn't find a clot.....they found metastatic breast cancer in both lings and the lining of the left. Said his lungs looked like a yard witha bad case of crab grass. Nthey immediately pulled two liters of fluid off and by Monday he was back in surgery to have a drain tube put in his leftlung.
He is now on Xeloda and is having moderate success. The right lung is clear for now. They are watching a spot on his liver and another on his lung that do not glow like the cancer but they are not sure what they are. Will not biopsy or mess with them as long as they don't grow. They don't want to cause anymore trauma to his body and mess with the xeloda.
In June of 2014, our daughter got engaged. At the time our son was getting ready to start his sophomore year of college and his second season of NAIA football. I was in a demanding job as editor and business manager of a local newspaper that covered our entire county (rural) and included sports coverage for 4 schools. We sat down one night and talked it over and we both knew I couldn't handle everything. I gave up my job and went into private daycare. My sister in law and daughter both help cover my kids when Larry has appointments and as it turned out when I did. Five days after my last day at work, I fell crossing a Barb wire fence. 2 days later mybdad had a massive stroke and died. What they originally thought was a cracked and bruised bone turned out to be a shattered ACL and later when my back wouldn't quit hurting, a herniated disc. Needless to say there has been some stress in our lives the last year and a half.
Larry seems to be somewhat stable at this point but the fear never goes away. The lymphodema is a daily struggle. The emotions are worse. He continues to work everyday he doesn't have a Dr appt. His employers have been some of the most amazing people we know. I can't even start to tell you what all they have done for us..but the truth is, he gives them every ounce he has and we he gets home, he is generally done. I understand his commitment to them. He has never missed an hour on his paycheck, including the 13 days we were gone this past month for our 25th wedding anniversary trip (a year and a half later) but some days I just wish he would come home a little early, take a nap and be able to give me some of that dedication and attention. I know that his selfish but its the truth.
I just want to connect with spouses that understand how hard this is to face on a daily basis. It sometimes hurts to have people look at him or me and say "he looks so good....he's gonna beat this". I want to scream at them but just smile and say " we are trying".
Thanks for letting me vent!
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jakeoehn.....thank you very much for posting. I'm struggling big time with the feelings of selfishness these days. I've been working my way back thru these posts and realize, all caregivers put themselves on the back burner thru this fight and it can be devastating. My husband is very well lived in our small town. He has always been in a very public job and continues to work thru all of this. His coworkers and our friends held a fundraiser for us last fall after his mets news. 1300 people were served before they ran out of food. More came in but they had already cleaned out the local grocery store and had nothing else to serve. Considering our town population is 1700, I can confidently say, he is loved and respected. The support is overwhelming at times yet I still only have two or three people that I will turn to when I'm overwhelmed and need help. We have a house in the country with 15 acres and horses. Sometimes the tasks get to be too much. I'm a farm girl so the work load is not the problem. It is the mental stress of trying to do everything that two of us used to do. Then last night he mentioned something that hasn't been done yet and I wanted to lash out. I know he would never mean it that way, it just hit me wrong. Another thing added to my list. My response is to sit on my ass in a chair on my front porch this morning and not do anything that is on my list. I'm sitting here coffee in hand, listening to the rain hit the tin roof letting precious time pass. How do you give yourself a few minutes to breathe and not be consumed by the guilt?
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Yougotmel - You're going through so much! I am not the caretaker but I was with my late husband. I know how hard it is physically and mentally and my heart goes out to you. It took me time to ask and accept help. I had a wonderful social worker who helped me in many ways. I wonder if there a social worker or the like that could help and give you support. You need some time to yourself (easier said than done) even for one or two hours at a time. Sending you and hubby good vibes and hugs.
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Hi all,
I'm new to the board but not bc, unfortunately. I have really appreciated reading this thread despite the pervasive sadness. I also really appreciate hearing the experiences of young people faced with these situations long before they ever thought they would.
My wife was diagnosed with Stage II bc in Dec. 2012 in her late 20s and underwent double mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Treatment seemed very successful and the chemo/radiation were described as prophylactic. Unfortunately, she recently started experiencing abdominal rigidity and we went in for an ultrasound this week that discovered lesions on her liver. She has a PET scan today and will go in for a biopsy next week. The discovery of the lesions was very difficult, but I can see how much she is hoping for any diagnosis other than metastasis. I'm utterly terrified at the prospect of seeing her have to confront such a diagnosis. We were so terrified during her PET scan after the initial bc discover and so relieved when it seemed confined to the breast/lymph nodes. The prospect of it spreading is awful. She's still so young and the prospect of even an excellent prognosis (10, 15 years) still seems so tragic.
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