Husbands/Partners of Stage IV Breast Cancer
Comments
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Roy,
We are here I may be one of the only husbands that checks every day but I am here. Sorry that you have to be my wife has bilateral IDC and ILC with mets to the bones stage IV. Mostly the women come through and give us the encouragement that we seek. They also have great information to give us, I have gotten so much from them it has helped a great deal please come check often and if there is anything I can help you with I will try
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Ladies, and any husbands out there,
My wife and I are going on our short trip tomorrow. We have been looking forward to this for some time now and we are excited to say the least. Wanted to give you all a little update from the last post I sent through. My daughters seem to be getting a little better both have more smiles and are doing better. My eldest daughter has been a rock so far. The younger two were the ones having the problems but like I said getting better. That is a relief. Also my wife and I have noticed a slight change I the appearance of her breasts towards the better. I hope that the treatments is working and we will get good results from the scan in December. That would be an awesome gift for the holidays. Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement I assure you they have helped. I don't know what we would do without you all
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that is good news! Glad to hear things are settling down. Crossing all my fingers and toes that the treatment is working! Go have fun on your trip and forget about cancer for a while! :
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I hope you have or had a fabulous time. So glad to hear your children are doing OK.
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Enjoy your trip and take good care of our Chelle!
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As a physician myself , nothing can prepare you for this diagnosis !
Having the support of family and friends has been amazing .
My wife started on a clinical trial with Abraxane and the new Pdl 1 inhibitor
She does not know if she is getting the pdl 1 but hopeful .
The good news is that almost every week there are new development's in this field
The frustrating part is the things in this country seem to move much slower than in Europe and around the world .
Also , you are bombarded with "natural cure" treatments from Mexico and other centers with seem to offer hope , but I cannot find any supporting studies or literature
Anyway , it is a journey and I congratulate all the above caregivers for staying strong and supporting their loved one !
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Patrick, glad things are in an upswing. Have a good trip. When you get home, your recent memories of this trip will give you a boost and then you can start talking about where you might want to take another trip in the near future, a day trip or overnighter works good. I found the more I went out and did things, the more I wanted to do more, if that makes sense. My husband is not adventurous, content with routine, and even he looks forward to our outings and trips now. We just spent a day in Amish country, an hour and a half from home, didn't buy a thing but got lots of creative ideas, it was fun looking, the weather was nice, we picked up a load of campfire wood on the way home, then stopped at a place for fish dinner.
Homehelp, best wishes to your wife and you as her support, especially with the clinical trial.
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Homehelp, adding my best wishes as well! I'm a bit surprised at your comment that things are slower in the US. Are you talking about research? I live in Quebec, Canada and can say that things are slow here. More specifically in terms of getting new meds approved. It took years to have Femara and other HER 2 targeted therapy to get approval from Health Canada after the US. We are still waiting patiently for Ibrance which is only approved in the US right now. Same for other cancer drugs. A lot of frustrated people here. Having a public health care system has pros and cons, but cutting costs is certainly a big issue here.
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Thank you ladies we are having a great time just relaxing.
Homehelp not sure where you are from originally and don't know how the medical system works there but I can assure you it works here too. It may be slow it may have difficulties but it does work. My wife has a very good onc and he knows his stuff. I pray you have found one that helps you and your wife. I am sorry that you are here wish it was not the case. You have the inside track with all of this so hopefully you have found a good doc to take care of your wife, Ian sure that like me you would go to the ends of the earth for her. Please let me know if I can help you... You are important too remember that stay strong Ian sure I will have questions to ask you in the future
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Sorry for jumping in but November is Caregiver Awareness Month and we thought it'd be a great time to thank the members of our Community (and our lives!) for the help they provide while assisting their loved ones in navigating a breast cancer diagnosis. Please share with us your story! We'd love to share it on our site, on the Member Stories: Caregivers pages. Please feel free to share here or send us a PM with a photo we can use!
If you've been diagnosed with breast cancer, please weigh in with your thoughts on things such as:
- What do you want to hear from your caregivers?
- What do you need from your caregiver?
- What kind of tips do you have for them?
- What has having a caregiver done for you?
On the flip side, caregivers:
- What do you recommend to other caregivers?
- What challenges have you faced?
- What has being a caregiver done for you?
We welcome any and all thoughts on this topic. Let's share our appreciation for the loved ones that help us through!
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thanks for all the support !
Clinical trial is going as well as can be expected .
The biggest side affect is the fatigue .
Also , mentally we don't know whether or not she is getting the pdl1 , but the first set of scans showed a good response so we think she is .
What I mean by slow in this country , is the long and arduous process to get FDA approval, and the millions of dollars it takes to bring a product to market .
That is frustrating to all ,especially patients who are waiting for a new drug , new hope and perhaps a life saving discovery .
Being in the medical field I see this first hand , and many drugs are approved earlier in Europe before getting FDA approval.
This trial , from what I understand , will be relatively short since they will know whether the pdl1 works on triple negative tumors in a short period of time and then I hope they will unblinded the study .
Thanks
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Homehelp,
I am glad to hear there may be some good indicators for your wife. Anytime I hear that a treatment works it lifts my spirits. It is hard to have all this going on and not know if what you are doing is working. ,y wife will have her three month pet scan next month and we will see if the tamoxifen is working for her. I pray that it is. Please keep us posted on how your wife is doing. On the other hand how are you holding up. Are you finding some peace with this regiment? Or are you having any problems at all? There may be things going through your head that are going through mine and we can help each other. I struggle with things like is it working has the disease progressed, how much pain is she in, and more. Let me know if I can help.
Pa
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Well we are close to our next pet scan its on the 15th and I won't lie its nerve racking. We will have to wait until January to get the results but I feel that we will see good results on this test. My only concern lately has been an increase in her pain after any exertion on her part. I tell her to not do too much but she has never been the type to be lazy. After the last episode of pain she has taken it easier I think it may have scared her a bit to have that much pain after shopping with her mom. It took two days afterwards for the pain to subside.
Is it normal to have these kinds of bouts with the pain. Do they come often and do they last that long? Lately it has been my only worry. She has been in good spirits and having fun for the holidays.
My sincere hope is for all of you to have an amazing holidays full of fun family and friends.
Thank you all for everything
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Hi Patrick, praying for good results! Yes, it is normal to have pain coming and going. Sometimes we can pinpoint the cause and sometimes not. I've been going at this for 2 years and it still boggles my mind. However, any new or recurring pain that lasts for more than 2 to 3 weeks should be checked with Doc. I've had recurring pain in my femur, got it checked several times and it's stable, so go figure! And may I add, hormone blockers can cause pain that can be mistaken for met pain. Wishing you the best to both.
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I've been lurking for a while now, but wanted to provide an update. My wife had scans on Nov. 27th and we heard back last week that while the last three months of Taxol have cut the SUV rates of her liver and lymph nodes by about half, she has a new lesion on her brain. This was of course, horrifying. But we also kind of knew it was coming as the MRI taken during her diagnosis of the liver/lymph mets couldn't rule out an early metastases. This week she's meeting with a radiation oncologist to discuss steroestatic radiation as it's just a single, small lesion. I'm going to look around elsewhere on the boards, but what should I expect as far has her experience during the procedure and the recovery from it? Thanks.
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Batfax, I have no experience with brain mets but I am bumping the thread in the hope that someone will share their experience. I sometimes visit the brain mets thread and some good success there! Wishing you and your wife the very best.
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Hi everyone, I can't thank all of you enough for the support and prayers that were received during the year.
To all of the carers out there I send my best wishes & to all of you fighting, I send healing thoughts and prayers.
I wish everyone a happy, safe and healthy Christmas and 2016.
M
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You are welcome...and thank you.
I hope you are healing well.
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MfromAus - Thank you for your good wishes. I hope you're doing well and wish you and your children the very best. Happy Holiday Season!
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Gentlemen,
You are right that the husbands haven't been hanging out. I have posted to a previous thread that asked if this thread existed. I have turned on e-mail notifications (I think) so I will get back sooner (I hope).
One of the reasons I don't keep up with this is that my wife doesn't want to dwell on the issues when the treatments are working. I do come back to check out what the new treatments may do.
I highly recommend putting your wife's treatments in the: "My Profile/ My Treatments" section. Add a comment to state you are a "Husband/Caregiver" like I did in the signatures section below so there's no confusion to others when posting. If you do this, then breastcancer.org can send you updates on the treatments your wife is taking.
Even more importantly, I keep the treatment dates and notes here, so that when I visit one of my wife's many doctors or nurses, I have a way to pull up her medical history on the Internet wherever and whenever I need it.
Be strong men and give hope! Fight the insurance companies, do research, ask questions to the Dr's, and don't back down. Still, we can't forget to be gentle, shut up, and listen to our wives as well (because that is what she wants). Our wives need us!
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batfax, how about an update? We are hoping for the best..
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Thanks for the concern/interest. Wife had the SRS as planned and it went well as advertised. No side-effects at all in the nearly two weeks since. We're now just plowing ahead with the Taxol (three weeks on, one off), which seems to be working, and waiting on the follow up MRI to see how the SRS went and to confirm there is no recurrence. I've been getting a little concerned about our long term prospects given what I've read on prognoses once brain mets appear, but I'm just trying to put it out of my head. I'm trying to strike the fine balance between educating myself and not scaring the shit out of myself.
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Batfax,
I have heard brain mets are challenging as well. There are a few success stories on this site.
At one point my wife was thought to have leptomenigial carcinomatosis (cancer in the spinal cord, brain stem), and the outlook was grim (3-6 weeks to live). I was scared too. After a lot of prayer, the tests came back negative. There are no gaurentees that it can't happen again. Of course there are no gaurentees that I won't die in a car accident tomorrow either. One may just be more likely than the other.
My wife doesn't want to talk about it most of the time, and sometimes she really does. I try to respond to her in kind. But in reality, her cancer is never that far out of my mind. I do take comfort that Christ will send us both to heaven eventually, but I will still miss her terribly if she goes first.
In the meantime, some of the side effects can really be harsh, and blow out plans for fun. I hope my friends understand when we ditch them at the last minute of a planned event, and I think they do. We try to have good times while she is well enough to have them, and batten down the hatches when things go bad. There is no way to predict when to strategically take vacation. My job keeps pushing me toward the door if it looks like I will have to support my wife for a long stretch, so I don't talk about it at work. I need the medical insurance, so "life is a stage" atwork. Timing is hard when the future is unclear.
This is the new reality. Try to guess the next best step every day. We will do what we can when we can.
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Hello guys and ladies,
It has been a while since I was on here been a crazy month for us. My wife had her most recent pet scan in December and it was nothing short of a miracle. Her tumor markers have halved and the tumors themselves appear to be stable. I really have no words to describe how wonderful this makes us feel.
Yesterday was her latest zometa infusion and again it has laid her low with pain in all of the areas that are affected by her bone mets. She says it feels a lot like a really bad flu ache. We are keeping her as comfortable as we can but we will also take a few days of this pain to know that we are this much closer to NED.
She is the strongest person I know to go through all of this with her head held high and a smile on her face, God I love her.
I pray that you all find some good news like we have been blessed with. I will take this for as long as it holds out
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Patrick, I always love reading about that kind of good news.
Take some deep breaths and enjoy the weekend.
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Patrick,
Thank you for telling us about the win! It helps to know bad times get better.
Carpe Diem!
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Hi – this is to anyone who will listen. I am desperately trying to stand by my wife's side through stage iv bc. We have been in the process of reconciling our marriage as bc took its toll and basically pushed me to the point of "checking out" years ago. I have since done a lot to turn my personal life around, worked very hard with my wife to try and reconcile the past issues, seek forgiveness from her; which has understandably been difficult. There was no infidelity but I did check out in other ways after a period of time early on, then again when she went bone metastatic. I desperately love my wife and have done SO much to turn my life around to the point where we moved into a one bedroom this past Labor Day. My best friend of 32 years died of cardiac arrest in my arms after coming to me for help the morning of july 9th. That took its toll on me for sure; as it would anyone. But, I have done well in grieving that incredible loss and done much to grieve, continue to grieve (but much less severe) and place that situation out of the way. My wife knew him for 16 years and he was in our wedding 12 years ago. I'm sure his passing struck her in a profound way, given her dx and daily thoughts of her own mortality. Quite honestly, as I have told her, I really have reached a certain level of acceptance with his death. She claims it "got in the way" of our reconciling, etc…of course it did. How could it not? I know that's not my fault. And I also know it affected her in a very tangible way. Currently, my wife and I are temporarily living apart, again, as she asked me to leave for the 2nd time since moving in together. She keeps saying that I was not ready to move in together. She has a point to ONE thing only; a car. Although it's a biggie when it comes to running errands, etc… and thus taking the load of her. But I have been working diligently on all items that need addressing in order to be on the road again. And I am about 5 weeks away from "being there" in that respect.
Today, though, really takes the cake. The mother-in-law! Her mother, obviously. Trying to encourage us to get attorneys and get divorced! She actually accused me taking or selling my wife's toaster! I have never heard anything more ridiculous. She was married to my wife's father decades ago. And through her marriage to my wife's father, suffered great physical and mental damage from abuse. He was a horribly violent man with TONS of baggage from his childhood and Vietnam. My wife's mother is a stout catholic and believes that is the ONLY way to deal with any issue. My mother-in-law is a very sick person mentally. My wife knows it as well. She has been told by counselors that her mother only knows how to love "conditionally" as that is how she was loved as a child. What a wonderful gift to now bestow upon us. Especially as we struggle with my wife's health, treatments, meds, side-effects and all the glory that my poor wife has to endure every day. I can see the frustration in my wife's eyes that she truly only has had me, and her mother throughout her dx (except the very first year when her OWN MOTHER checked out and had NO contact at all!). Getting the picture yet? So my wife and I were left to deal with it on our own. And just to be fair, my family basically ducked out too. With the exception of my father. My father and her mother are both 75yo and, single and living "their own independent lives" for decades now. So, they are totally in control of most aspects of their lives.
What is so upsetting to me (there are many things but one I will single out), is how her mother constantly over the years has manipulated my wife emotionally. She refuses to get any kind of mental health counseling. The tried "crisis-management" type help but she quit very quickly. So, obviously, she takes NO responsibility for her OWN actions and conclusively, blames everyone else for everything wrong around her. Including ME of course. I love my wife in a very genuine way and VERYdeeply. That is why I asked her to marry me and we enjoyed the first 10 years of our marriage at a level 9-10, blissful.
Then cancer came along and you can imagine that crushed us. And me as a wonderful caregiver. I've had mixed success in that effort as I know many bc husbands can attest to.
It's a thankless, often unnoticed role that has turned me into a basket case. But I have dusted myself off, taken my failures on the chin, admitted them openly too many times to count, asked for forgiveness from my wife hundreds of times. To the point where she finally told me to stop apologizing. Understandably she still carries resentment toward me but we have been working on that over the last several years. I still carry an INCREDIBLE amount of guilt, shame, sadness, etc…within my own mind which I always will for failing my wife when she needed me most. I am crying as I type this – the emotional pain just never goes away. I desperately want to be by my wife's side in the most upstanding and helpful loving way and I know I can be. You should know that since her dx I have been praised for MANY MANY things I did right and that no one could have done. So im thankful for that and the recognition my has given for that. But now I see my manipulative mother-in-law getting in the way once again. And since my wife is reliant on her (conditional love) I see how hard it is on her. I know it is – we have talked about many times. I feel terrible that she is alone right now and just cannot get herself to the point of letting go of her anger (at everything including me). I feel SO HELPLESS! INCREDIBLY HELPLESS. I hate this disease. I hate what's its done to my beautiful wife and our wonderful marriage. And its brought out the very worst in family and people close to us. Its absolutely heart-wrenching. My wife just called me thank God and confirmed what I have already typed here; that the 2 people closest to her are making her life miserable coupled with the terminal dx.And that she doesn't feel like even fighting much more. I desperately tried re-assuring her that I have a plan in place, which I do, to regain my driving priviledges and get the car that I already have, on the road , in relatively short-order. I cannot bear the thought of her not being here anymore and giving up. She is so strong and does not need to be worn down by anyone, especially the 2 closest people to her, and that includes me. As one counselor told me, I am very self aware. Maybe a poor planner, yes. But I DO know what is going on around me and have a very high emotional intelligence. Sometimes short on the common sense but not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination. I'm move through EVERY DAY feeling like the air I breathe is thick with smog, my feet are heavy, I already have high blood pressure and on meds for depression and anxiety. Which ive managed since I was 15. so I am no stranger to the mental health aspect of being alive. I do have much fortitude to stave off things that would cripple others but this at the moment is just over-whelming me. I re-assured my wife that I do love her and do have, and am and have been, working myward my goal with deliberate action, to jump back in logistically by having a car and driving leagally. I am about 5-6 away from that goal. I am 47 working at min wage. I make less now than I did 20+ years ago that certainly doesn't help. My last major job was $35/hr as an HR Data Mgr-I am not an unintelligent or under-skilled person. This economy, the upstate ny political and business scene has been condusive to being back in "my comfort zone" employment-wise. Quite honestly, my mom was right, its not about how much you make. She reminded me that it's a blessing to have a low-stress job to better allow me to deal with the over-whelming stress I find myself in the midst of. I told my wife I was writing this letter to post as I just feel helpless, hopeless, angry and very afraid. And terribly guilty for my past mistakes. Forgiving myself has not been easy. And I doubt I ever will. Its just too strong of a feeling within me. But I am and always have been a very kind, soft-hearted, loving person, all my life. At my core I still am and always will be – its just who I am. When I project into the future with me helping with the driving, etc. and being more responsible in taking care of myself as a bc husband, I see the 2 of us in a nice, loving place, together, in each others arms. There are questions coming up in my mind as I type this that one might wonder….like…well when you get your license back why can't you drive your wife's car? Isn't that what married couples do? Again its the mother-in-law; conditional love over her daughter. Holding her hostage emotionally. She helped my wife buy a used car for a few thousand dollars and making her pay her back! She has a trust fund and several pensions. In other words she doesn't need the money. She needs the control! And that makes me furious!!!!She has done this to her daughter all her life. That is why my wife moved out of her house at a very young age. So she would no longer be under her mother's control. I find it to be despicable at this stage in life and with this disease. You would think her mother would just buy her a car. But her mother rarely does anything for anyone unless there is something in it for her. And in this case, itscontrol.. She actually told my 42yo wife that I am not allowed to drive her car until it is paid off. Can you believe it?!
I whole-heartedly appreciate ANYONE who has taken the time to read this much needed letter and my dire straights.
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Hi – this is to anyone who will listen. I am desperately trying to stand by my wife's side through stage iv bc. We have been in the process of reconciling our marriage as bc took its toll and basically pushed me to the point of "checking out" years ago. I have since done a lot to turn my personal life around, worked very hard with my wife to try and reconcile the past issues, seek forgiveness from her; which has understandably been difficult. There was no infidelity but I did check out in other ways after a period of time early on, then again when she went bone metastatic. I desperately love my wife and have done SO much to turn my life around to the point where we moved into a one bedroom this past Labor Day. My best friend of 32 years died of cardiac arrest in my arms after coming to me for help the morning of july 9th. That took its toll on me for sure; as it would anyone. But, I have done well in grieving that incredible loss and done much to grieve, continue to grieve (but much less severe) and place that situation out of the way. My wife knew him for 16 years and he was in our wedding 12 years ago. I'm sure his passing struck her in a profound way, given her dx and daily thoughts of her own mortality. Quite honestly, as I have told her, I really have reached a certain level of acceptance with his death. She claims it "got in the way" of our reconciling, etc…of course it did. How could it not? I know that's not my fault. And I also know it affected her in a very tangible way.
Currently, my wife and I are temporarily living apart, again, as she asked me to leave for the 2nd time since moving in together. She keeps saying that I was not ready to move in together. She has a point to ONE thing only; a car. Although it's a biggie when it comes to running errands, etc… and thus taking the load of her. But I have been working diligently on all items that need addressing in order to be on the road again. And I am about 5 weeks away from "being there" in that respect.
Today, though, really takes the cake. The mother-in-law! Her mother, obviously. Trying to encourage us to get attorneys and get divorced! She actually accused me taking or selling my wife's toaster! I have never heard anything more ridiculous. She was married to my wife's father decades ago. And through her marriage to my wife's father, suffered great physical and mental damage from abuse. He was a horribly violent man with TONS of baggage from his childhood and Vietnam. My wife's mother is a stout catholic and believes that is the ONLY way to deal with any issue. My mother-in-law is a very sick person mentally. My wife knows it as well. She has been told by counselors that her mother only knows how to love "conditionally" as that is how she was loved as a child.
What a wonderful gift to now bestow upon us. Especially as we struggle with my wife's health, treatments, meds, side-effects and all the glory that my poor wife has to endure every day. I can see the frustration in my wife's eyes that she truly only has had me, and her mother throughout her dx (except the very first year when her OWN MOTHER checked out and had NO contact at all!). Getting the picture yet? So my wife and I were left to deal with it on our own. And just to be fair, my family basically ducked out too. With the exception of my father. My father and her mother are both 75yo and, single and living "their own independent lives" for decades now. So, they are totally in control of most aspects of their lives.
What is so upsetting to me (there are many things but one I will single out), is how her mother constantly over the years has manipulated my wife emotionally. She refuses to get any kind of mental health counseling. The tried "crisis-management" type help but she quit very quickly. So, obviously, she takes NO responsibility for her OWN actions and conclusively, blames everyone else for everything wrong around her. Including ME of course. I love my wife in a very genuine way and VERY deeply. That is why I asked her to marry me and we enjoyed the first 10 years of our marriage at a level 9-10, blissful.
Then cancer came along and you can imagine that crushed us. And me as a wonderful caregiver. I've had mixed success in that effort as I know many bc husbands can attest to.
It's a thankless, often unnoticed role that has turned me into a basket case. But I have dusted myself off, taken my failures on the chin, admitted them openly too many times to count, asked for forgiveness from my wife hundreds of times. To the point where she finally told me to stop apologizing. Understandably she still carries resentment toward me but we have been working on that over the last several years. I still carry an INCREDIBLE amount of guilt, shame, sadness, etc…within my own mind which I always will for failing my wife when she needed me most.
I am crying as I type this – the emotional pain just never goes away. I desperately want to be by my wife's side in the most upstanding and helpful loving way and I know I can be. You should know that since her dx I have been praised for MANY MANY things I did right and that no one could have done. So im thankful for that and the recognition my wife has given me for that. But now I see my manipulative mother-in-law getting in the way once again. And since my wife is reliant on her (conditional love) I see how hard it is on her. I know it is – we have talked about many times. I feel terrible that she is alone right now and just cannot get herself to the point of letting go of her anger (at everything including me). I feel SO HELPLESS! INCREDIBLY HELPLESS. I hate this disease. I hate what's its done to my beautiful wife and our wonderful marriage. And its brought out the very worst in family and people close to us. Its absolutely heart-wrenching.
My wife just called me thank God and confirmed what I have already typed here; that the 2 people closest to her are making her life miserable coupled with the terminal dx.And that she doesn't feel like even fighting much more. I desperately tried re-assuring her that I have a plan in place, which I do, to regain my driving privileges and get the car that I already have, on the road, in relatively short order. I cannot bear the thought of her not being here anymore and giving up. She is so strong and does not need to be worn down by anyone, especially the 2 closest people to her, and that includes me.
As one counselor told me, I am very self-aware. Maybe a poor planner, yes. But I DO know what is going on around me and have a very high emotional intelligence. Sometimes short on the common sense but not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination. I move through EVERY DAY feeling like the air I breathe is thick with smog, my feet are heavy, I already have high blood pressure and on meds for depression and anxiety. Which ive managed since I was 15. so I am no stranger to the mental health aspect of being alive. I do have much fortitude to stave off things that would cripple others but this at the moment is just over-whelming me. I re-assured my wife that I do love her and do have, and am and have been, working toward my goal with deliberate action, to jump back in logistically by having a car and driving legally. I am about 5-6 weeks away from that goal. I am 47 working at min wage. I make less now than I did 20+ years ago that certainly doesn't help. My last major job was $35/hr as an HR Data Mgr-I am not an unintelligent or under-skilled person. This economy, the upstate ny political and business scene has not been condusive to me being back in "my comfort zone" employment-wise.
Quite honestly, my mom was right, its not about how much you make. She reminded me that it's a blessing to have a low-stress job to better allow me to deal with the over-whelming stress I find myself in the midst of. I told my wife I was writing this letter to post as I just feel helpless, hopeless, angry and very afraid. And terribly guilty for my past mistakes.
Forgiving myself has not been easy. And I doubt I ever will. Its just too strong of a feeling within me. But I am and always have been a very kind, soft-hearted, loving person, all my life. At my core I still am and always will be – its just who I am. When I project into the future with me helping with the driving, etc. and being more responsible in taking care of myself as a bc husband, I see the 2 of us in a nice, loving place, together, in each others arms. There are questions coming up in my mind as I type this that one might wonder….like…well when you get your license back why can't you drive your wife's car? Isn't that what married couples do? Again its the mother-in-law; conditional love over her daughter. Holding her hostage emotionally. She helped my wife buy a used car for a few thousand dollars and making her pay her back! She has a trust fund and several pensions. In other words she doesn't need the money. She needs the control! And that makes me furious!!!!She has done this to her daughter all her life. That is why my wife moved out of her house at a very young age. So she would no longer be under her mother's control. I find it to be despicable at this stage in life and with this disease. You would think her mother would just buy her a car. But her mother rarely does anything for anyone unless there is something in it for her. And in this case, it's the control. She actually told my 42yo wife that I am not allowed to drive her car until it is paid off. Can you believe it?!
I whole-heartedly appreciate ANYONE who has taken the time to read this much needed letter and my dire straights.
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I am not a trained therapist. But it sounds like you are in a losing battle with your mother in law. Your wife did not cut the cord from her and allows her to run her life. Really, there is nothing you can do about that. I would even venture to say that your wife likes being in the middle of the drama, torn between her mamma and her husband.
Whatever mistakes you've made in the past, you must make peace with it and move forward. Stop going back in time and trying to re-right what you did wrong. Move forward with life. If it were me, I would stay away from the drama that is your wife and mother in law. I don't think you can win that battle. Some women never learn that they must become a team with their husband and that the parent or parents come second after that. You may not be able to win in this war with your mother in law. Tho you see her control, your wife doesn't see it that way. That's a dysfunction that may not be possible for you to do anything about. You may be better to learn coping mechanisms to help younot to be so frustrated and angry at with your MIL because it is out of your control.
Your wife's health is also out of your control.It's not your fault she has bc. It's not up to you to fix it. That's okay. Do those things that are within your control, like going to work and taking care of yourself. I am so sorry about your friend. That is a lot to deal with. Take this one day at a time. Try to dial back on all the drama. Best wishes
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Date: Jan 26, 2016 2:24 am
First, I must start this off by saying I'm upset I'm hurt. This message is about me which I do know for certain. This message is to the stage 4BC husband and the divine Mrs M who replied without even knowing me or Who I am. AM this person's wife. just save it I am extremely upset by this one sided description of what happened to me since MY diagnosis of stage 1 to stage 4 metastatic breast cancer is putting it mildly.
Number one to call my mother out on how she has handled my illness when I've been married for almost 13 years & diagnosed in 2008 is wrong and I will not stand for anyone speaking ill of my mother.
SHE is a single mother who has been through hell on earth. Out of all 4 parents involved in this relationship either by marriage or blood, she is the only parent that has even bothered to step up and help.
Because of someone's automobile situation my mother has had to drive me to treatment, testing, biopsies, and a myriad of other tests- ones that I'm not able to take myself home from due to the pain from treatment, biopsies, or whatever else comes my way. I was diagnosed with breast cancer to the left breast in 2008; the cancer has since metastasized to my L4 L5 vertebrae. To say that this is been nothing short of a horrific ordeal And to say that I have had to deal with most of the horrific effects the cancer has brought upon my life mentally and physically mainly alone even though married has been quite an undertaking.
My spouse and I have been told by counselors, Drs, friends, our own priest that married us; my current medical team , various outsiders, that this battle has been fought mainly by myself and not by choice.
My mother is the only parent, the ONLY parent between my spouses parents and her , that is even bothered to try and help. At times, she's done a less than stellar job. But is this really her job to take on especially after one gets married and recites marital vows of richness and poorness; sickness and health; until death do you part to the one that supposedly they love unconditionally and plan on spending the rest of their natural life with? NO- it's certainly not her responsibility to take care of her metastatic breast cancer daughter but at least she's trying- more so than anyone else in my family, my spouse's family and anyone else around us. I really don't care to read that my mother is controlling and manipulative in a general text to bc.org when its been failed to mention that my in-laws have been less than supportive and more absent since my initial diagnosis. How would one like to have an in-law tell them that they thought it was best that I just "died "because it would make it easier for his son, and that he deserved better after I got sick? all well trying to do this pretty much alone. It feels like a kick in the gut. A spouse who has been unwilling to understand his wife's illness because "we're too young to have something like this happen to us", when in essence breast cancer is an illness that has been put in my lap to cope with and not by my choice at the age of 35. No woman ever plans to hear the lump in her breast has tested positive for breast cancer. It felt like a nightmare. And with the lack of support that I thought I would be obtaining when I married it's become more of a nightmare than I could have ever imagined.
It was MY mother who helped out with this past January's rent. Again I have been living off of disability since 2011 after my metastases to my bone when others have been privileged to be able to work part time full time and also receive overtime when available. FOR rent to be short and late makes no sense at all. For my mother to have to help out makes is truly embarrassing when it's not necessary. I don't relish Having to drive myself to the store, Pharmacy after treatment because the person I committed my life to is still working on vehicular issues that were supposed to have been taken care of a month after we made our "fresh start" after waiting almost 4 long years to be back together. I initially left our home in August of 2011. I tried to stick it out the best I could but I just couldn't take the constant apathy and resentment that was bestowed upon me for being sick. I finally left after the second time the cancer metastasized to my spine. However I never gave up hope on us. Here I am finally this past September 2015 -we were going to make a fresh start! Unfortunately I quickly realized the person that proposed to me and asked me to share the rest of their life with them was still not prepared to take care of a wife with breast cancer and once again on my own. I purchased the cancer husband Survival Guide. We went to counseling. What more can one do to help another person try and cope and be there for THEIR loved one dealing with breast cancer? Shouldn't the comforting be the other way around?
As I stated before I never would have moved out and moved into a new place if I had known certain issues we're still at hand and I would be shouldering the majority of the financial burden again. I moved into a larger apartment thinking finally we had a chance to reconcile and be on the road to recovery as a healing couple. Finally I would have the devotion consistentcy and responsibility to really help me as I go through maintenance chemo month after month after month after month. BTW, I'm sick of maintenance chemo. Im also sick of going to treatment and thinking "maybe this is the month he'll come around for real."
We supposedly put a stake in the ground for a fresh start September; but until you can accept responsibility, show consistency, and show achieved regular success for your own life, how do you ever expect to be able to care for a wife with metastatic stage 4th BC? I can forgive over and over and over but until someone changes and is willing to accept the cancer is a part of our lives not just mine there's nothing more to say or do. I took that person at their word thinking finally we were ready financially, emotionally, and mentally. I never realized when we moved in together in September that we would still be stuck in a financial cul-de-sac which would require me to once again take care of the majority of all household chores let alone try to take care of myself before and after treatment every single time. Now here we are again. My mother is 75 years old and God willing she will continue to live longer because I need her. I wish I could say that's not true, but for the foreseeable future I have no one else to help me that's consistently reliable. She helped me purchased a vehicle. An offer so tremendous to me that agreed to pay her back and I'm trying to make good on my promise even on SUFI. I don't ask for help from anyone. But knowing that I was the sole driver had to have reliable car. I personally don't want anyone driving my vehicle especially when was a reckless past if my car is so important to me.
I'm the one diagnosed and gone through 43radiation sessions; 6 months of dose dense chemo and since 2011, MONTHLY maintenance chemo just to keep the tumor in. My spine and breast from spreading further metastases. My dad however brief has been in my life since my diagnosis considering his very rough background I wasgrateful for the time we had toGether.My sister in laws promised me that they'd take me into their lives when we married in 2003.
To this day I have yet to receive a card email or even a text acknowledging that I've been sick which is extremely hard on the heart and hurtful beyond words .
I don't care to read any more of what I just read. And you can't give an honest critique when you're not honest about the situation at hand. I am disgusted and horrificly hurt by what I read by a person I continued to give chance after chance to because I actually believed in our vows. This is been a tough row to hoe. I was diagnosed at 35 and I have been doing most of this on my own- not by choice. I never chose to leave my home and never thought it would take my husband what feels like forever in a breast cancer patients life to get his act together so that we could even consider reconciling under one roof.Then to have it blow up in my face on a public website because he still won't accept responsibility totally and completely as any true husband friend or caregiver should hurts like hell.If anyone wants to take up an argument with me go ahead but again I'm stage 4; I go to monthly chemo and I've been doing most of this alone for a long long time. When the cancer metastasized I was given two years to live. I was told I was lucky to make it to 37 and 40 was doable once I made it past 38.
If anyone is to judge myself or mother AGAIN the only parent to help out in this horrible situation I would never wish on anyone; think wisely before you speak. I am truly upset by what I read. I cannot believe that I gave my love devotion and unfortunate blind trust to someone who continues to deny their role as a true loving spouse, husband, partner, friend, and caregiver. Please stop blaming everyone else for not being able to be there for me. Honestly I would have more respect if you just admitted it was something you can't do. Otherwise, I remain heartbroken and constantly hope for something that's probably never going to come.
On Jan 24, 2016 7:12
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