Mothers with school aged children
Comments
-
the twins are precious!
And the vowel renewal...what an awesome memory that will be for all! That is quite a crew you've got there! I can't keep up with laundry with the 4 of us!!! Tell me your secret!
Thank you all for sharing. Love to you all...oh and pj's at noon...your preachin to the choir
0 -
Here are mine:
My daughter is 19 and in college. My son is 16 and a sophomore in high school.
0 -
what lovely photos from everyone! Wish there was a "like" button on here like Facebook!
0 -
I'm loving all the pics. Here are 2 of me and my son, almost 16.
I too attended a LIttle Pink Houses of Hope retreat a year ago. My family and another family hit it off. My son and one of their daughters was the same age. We stayed in touch by Facebook. And ... just a couple of weeks ago, the dear mother passed away. For those wondering about being around other moms with cancer whose condition may be worse. It is a positive thing, definitely, not a negative!
Going through the ritual of mourning with my son was valuable because it allowed me to comfort him in a way I cannot when I am no longer alive. It took me about a year to figure out that for my son, what comforted him most was knowledge. His concern was "Is Mom going to die soon?" He wasn't having trouble accepting I had a terminal illness. He just wanted to know if my death was imminent. He heard me explain doctor visits or my symptoms, but not my life expectancy. I explained to him that I'm not going to die from cancer tomorrow, and that death from breast cancer is not an overnight occurrence, and probably wouldn't catch him by surprise. My son doesn't like most surprises. Once he realized that my death wasn't going to be sudden, he got a handle on it. And he was able to share, at last, what he needed from me. After my quarterly scans, he just needed to know if I was doing better or worse. And if I'm doing worse, how bad is it? I've told him that when my condition gets critical, I won't hide it from him. He also knows that getting better, then worse, then better, is sometimes how it goes with Stage IV.
For those of you who hesitate to write letters or create scrapbooks for your kids, please consider doing it now, when you are in good health, rather than when you are sick. I've decided against creating any memorabilia, for the moment. I do use Facebook as a memory keeper for my son and the rest of my family. I consciously try to record every happy occasion. Whenever my makeup and high heels are on, I post a picture on Facebook! When I'm gone, I hope my son will find comfort in seeing the fun I had. (Like strolling into a local bakery after a snowstorm, dressed in my bikini, just for kicks!)
0 -
I'm sharing this essay I wrote on being a Stage IV mom in hopes other moms will be encouraged by it. It was originally published in the April newsletter for WindRiver Services. Like Little Pink Houses of Hope, and Inheritance of Hope, it is another fine North Carolina organization that serves people with cancer. (Look for "Parenting When You Have Cancer.")
http://us6.campaign-archive1.com/?u=a292874d855cd9eba51e1fded&id=49663279a8&e=c3bc1d40f3
0 -
Yup, laundry is a daily chore, for sure. We only have 4 at home now, the young man in the Air Force uniform is our son in law.
Wonderful pics everyone. I am also enjoying hearing how you are helping your kids with acceptance. I am sure it is very different for them, depending on age. I've had to handle my 4th grader very differently than my 22 year old, and I'm still figuring out how much to share and how much to save for a later time. I worry about not telling my youngest enough to allow him to prepare, but I want him to have a normal childhood for as long as possible too. I guess I will know when the right time is.
0 -
I love this thread. Thank you so much for starting it!
My son is 11 -- the same age I was when my mother died of Breast Cancer. My father asked me recently how much we've told Thomas. I think he has regrets that he and my mother kept me completely in the dark about my mother's illness. It was 1974, and people didn't talk about BC. I told dad that Thomas knows as much as he needs to know at this time. I suppose I might have a little bit of denial going on, but is it really denial when there are so many treatments available to us, and more being developed all the time? I see so many women living years with Stage 4. I figure I'll face the possibility of dying when somebody tells me I'm dying and not a minute before! LOL
My son was 7 when I was diagnosed with Stage 2B, so he got to see me go through chemo and radiation and come out happy and healthy on the other side. One of the nurses at my MO's office was really helpful when it came to explaining my illness in terms a 7-year-old could understand. I enlisted the help of the counselor at my son's school, too. As it turned out, he really didn't need any "help", but it gave me peace of mind to know that she was keeping an eye out for him.
When I got my Stage 4 diagnosis in January, I told Thomas that my cancer was back and explained that having cancer is kinda like playing whack-a-mole. It pops up, you whack it with a mallet. It pops up again, you whack it again. He got a kick out of the analogy.
I've never uploaded a picture to this site before, but I'll give it a try. If it works, this is a picture of us dancing at his Jr. Cotillion Spring Ball a few weeks ago.
0 -
Janis, your boys are gorgeous.
0 -
This thread is great. It is so scary to be a mom and to have stage 4 cancer. You just don't know if u will be here long enough to see them grow. I fight everyday so I could be here long enough to groom them for the future. I have two sons Ryan who is 8 in 3rd grade and so lovable and Matthew who is 17 he is graduating high school this year. We don't discuss cancer in the house that much I try to make it as normal as possible. I don't want them to worry about me I just want them to be kids and experience things life. Stella
0 -
love the pics! Great article! And I appreciate hearing how you all are parenting right now.
I agree that if you want to write letters or scrapbook, it's better to do it when you feel good. When you are given the "you have 6 months to live" speech, you may not be able to do it then. I should speak for myself...I am going to try to carve out one day a week where I work on things for the kids. I have put it off because it's too hard to go there emotionally...I'm just going to have to change my way of thinking to make it fun.
I remember as a kid that I felt like my parents didn't tell me things to protect me and that made me so angry! But, as an adult, I know now the "secrets" and I am so very thankful...amazed...not sure of the right word...for what my parents did to keep our family together and as "normal" as possible. That is an incredibly selfish statement. But, now I understand why my mom made the decisions that she did. She put us kids before herself. And I want to do the same for my kids. I just don't know how to balance the normal childhood with my very not normal health. I can only hide so much.
I am actually starting a little part time job with inheritance of hope. In the coming months I will be gathering some information that I will share here too.
I remember the moment the dr put my oldest on my chest after birth...I never knew I could love someone so much at first sight! I will never let go of that feeling.
0 -
Oh my gosh ladies - What a Godsend to have found this thread. I was diagnosed with mets a few days ago (one lesion found in the liver incidentally while having a work-up for kidney stones, of all things). Anyway, I am the wife and mother of three awesome kids....my boys are 15 and 13 and my daughter is 11. We just told the kids what was going on last night and I really love the analogy of "whack-a-mole".....that's awesome (wish I would have found this thread earlier). Thank you for sharing! I am 45-years-old and was diagnosed the first time around at 42.....as you can read below. I never in a million years thought the cancer would come back this soon.....its so scary and so disappointing. Having a PET scan tomorrow to check the rest of my body and hoping and praying that there is nothing else found....To be honest, .I would be very surprised if the liver is the only location (Debbie downer, i know). Generally, I am a positive person by nature, but tend to have trouble living day to day.....all I can think about right now is that my kids need me, especially my daughter and that I NEED to be around for several more years to get them through the teen years!! I rely greatly on my faith in God and wish I knew why this is His plan for my life, but have found peace. I found myself bargaining with him while waiting for my liver biopsy results though....ugh! Again, so glad this thread is here. I hope I can gain a better understanding on how to live day to day with this diagnosis and refer back to you all when the days aren't so good.....Love to all! I will try to post a picture later when I have some time!
0 -
today was a gorgeous day! We played and worked outside all day!
I had an interesting conversation with my ex-mother-in-law, who I love and we are very close. I can't remember what was said to bring it up but for the first time she told me how she felt about her son, as a father. My 9 year old is from that marriage. She said that she doesn't know what they do together if anything at all. And if were up to him, he wouldn't have cole play sports because it's an inconvienance to him. That's the first time she has said anything about her son to me. I try to avoid talking about him because I really have anything nice to say and I don't want to put her in the middle.
I concerned though. Cole has been missing his dad recently...enough that he has vocalized it and cried a couple of times. His dad and I split time, but cole is with me a little bit more...his dad works out of town so...
I tried to talk to his dad and tell him that cole wants to spend time with him and he just makes excuses or says nothing! And this is the man that will have full custody of my son when I die??!!! Cole is such a sweet, fun, loving, and brilliant child! I just don't understand his dad...but that's why I am not with him.
I would much rather have my ex-in-laws have custody because I know they would take care of him and love him like he deserves! Or have my now husband keep him on the same schedule we have now...which cole's dad would probably go for. He is remarried and I really like her a lot! I think she is more invested than he is.
Breaks my heart and makes me more determined to keep on keepin on!
0 -
Kjones13, it sounds like your son has a wonderful grandmother. I believe I have felt many of the emotions you have felt. The panic of wondering who is going to give your child the nurturing he needs if you are not there? Especially when your son is telling you now he needs Dad and Dad is distant.
I think your mil was trying to share that she WILL nurture your son, should cancer interrupt your earthly mothering. It's quite clear she doesn't agree with her son on all issues. (I have had exes who view any school activity, from a play to sports, as an annoyance, which made my son in his younger days fearful of telling his dad he needed to stay after school or needed activity money, because my ex would scowl. Still working on that.)
Maybe your ex is avoiding spending time with his son precisely because he is worried about the future & what would happen if you weren't here. Of course your ex realizes what a wonderful child you have. But he sees YOU when he sees your child. And that can produce a lot of guilt and panic in him.
A little advice? Perhaps 1-2 joint counseling sessions, the 3 of you, on the pretext of establishing a relationship with a counselor. Then, perhaps with your child not present, you two discuss the subject of how your ex will raise your son, and what can be done now to prepare. Your ex may not be aware that he's making excuses when his son needs to see him. Probably good to share some of the discussion about the future with your so. depending on your son's maturity level. (In my case, it seemed to help my son to hear that when I die, there are many options, I have mom, 2 sisters, etc., which reassured my son that he would not be an orphan and that many families would love him, now and later.
I think it's just as important to discuss the situation in reverse, how would you raise your son if Dad died? -- because there are no promises with anyone's life expectancy.
0 -
tarheelmichelle--very insightful! I never even thought about a counselor. And we do need to talk about both situations...I had a dream last night that he was stealing my pain meds and selling them! He's just sketchy and I don't really trust him...but yet my son has to go over there. I know cole loves him. I just don't want his dad to disappoint cole.
Not that I am mom of the year...I am still trying to juggle parenting two kids.
I hope you all are doing fun things with your kiddos! Want to share?
0 -
Wow ladies, I look forward to joining the conversation once I am recoevered from my spring break week!
I drove 3 hours with my 14, 11, 6 yo to spend time with my ill father and my mom. My sister and kids live there also, and then my brother and his youngest son also drove over for the last two days. My immediate reaction is tl say it was a difficult, horrrible experience. However, I am trying to adhere to the principles listed in a book called somethign like; ;Being well even when you are unwell. A book on mindfulness. So I am attempting to frame my trip as an adventure. But tne fact tbat I collapased into my husbands arms and sobbed when I returned home tonight shows that it wasnt quite a welcome adventure. And I drank too much wine once at home , which I never do anymore because I feel like crap afterward. Because infeel like crap. Doesanyone hefe have experience splitting a family farm with parents who have always told you it would be split, yet one party (sibling) has a much more vested interest in the farm thsn the others? And we all smile and nod.......and I think to myself that I dont have the luxury of thinking years down the road. I want to travel now, I dont care about the silly little fights. My dad cant think clearly, he says one thing and then does another. I love my parents, but this cycle isnt healthy for me.
0 -
Thanks for starting this thread! I have two daughters - an 11 year old and a 22 year old. I worry about not being here for my 11 year old. She can be very sensitive and although my husband is a great guy he is not always the best dealing with sensitive personalities.
I too have thought about Little Pink Houses of Hope or Camp Kesem but worry that she may be even more upset thinking I'm dying.
0 -
My son, who just turned 10 was accepted to Camp Kesem this summer. I'm having second thoughts about it. I think I want him to have one more summer that he doesn't think about cancer. He knows I have cancer, but I try to keep his life as normal as possible. I think I'm being over protective, but I don't think I want him gone from me for a whole week this summer. I think I want to go on adventures WITH him. If Afinitor will play nice with me this time, I should be well enough to go play!
I applied to Little Pink Houses and haven't heard anything......
0 -
romansma--I hear ya on wanting to vacation with him! Camp kesem looks awesome, but I'm thinking my boy is too clingy right now. Your son is in 3rd grade? I wonder if you called one of the directors and asked some questions if it would help you decide. I wonder how much they use the word "cancer" ...I wonder if they just make it super fun, like an escape from cancer for the kids?
I applied to little pink last year and never heard back. Don't give up. Keep applying!
0 -
Annie--I hear you on the husband who is not always tuned in to sensitive personalities! I love him to pieces but holy cow! My son, his step-son is super sensitive and he just totally misses all the cues. I'm like over in the corner trying to get his attention to tell him to stop talking! You're making it worse! He has good intentions, they just struggle with communication. I am super sensitive also but I can voice my feelings, thoughts. Maybe as your daughter gets older, she will be able to help him understand her needs.
0 -
went to my sons baseball game tonight. On the way home I was thinking how cool it will be to see him play when he's older. I think his sport is going to be basketball. My brother was really good and it was my favorite thing to do--watch him play. I can't imagine how crazy proud I will be of my son when it's his turn in high school...may college! I really want to be here and cheer for him!
My dad was talking to me earlier today. He is so very kind and gives me some money each month to help with medical expenses. I'm spoiled, I know. He was saying he wanted to decrease that money to put extra money in my kids college funds. He is so worried about them being able to go wherever they want to go (he was like that with me and my brother too...probably because his parents did the same for him and his siblings). He was trying to calculate amounts. I wanted to jump in and say "well the kids will have money from my life insurance plan." Couldn't believe that was my thought. Guess I want to help contribute...
Just feeling down today. So much sad news here on the boards. How are you all holding up?
0 -
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
kjones13, you DO have a sweet dad. One thought is that in a few years, college may not be the optimum path for success. I'm struggling with that now. To me, it seems the most successful people aren't college graduates. That's not to say college isn't an important career track for some, but not for most, as it used to be. My son has a tiny college fund that his grandmother set aside. I'm grateful but I caution my son that he needs to find his own way.
It sounds like your dad wants you to have say-so over his spending on you. That's really wonderful.
My son has NEVER been interested in sports and just joined the track team this year, his sophomore year of school. We are both loving it. He occasionally runs with me, and those times are priceless.
The roses are to cheer you up, and remind you of the rainbow behind the clouds.
0 -
Yes, I'm feeling a little selfish and clingy myself. I don't want to be away from him for a week. I have high hopes for adventure this summer. I know my treatments will get harder and my body will get weaker. Next summer can't be guaranteed.
He seems to be in a hurry to go thru puberty and keeps asking when it will happen for him. Btw, he just turned 10. He's really tall and I think he wants a deep voice to match his tallness. Yesterday, he also asked when we should have 'the talk'. He is the youngest of 5, and I think he wants to grow up a little faster because of all his older brothers and sisters. I was happy he asked, because I LOVE being here for his milestones. I got to tell him how I felt about certain things that don't come up in everyday conversations. Birds and bees were all over the car! He didn't say much, but I could tell the gears in his brain were working overtime. Not only will he remember this 'talk' with his mom, but it opens up a conversation we can continue to have. I thought I might have to write to him to share some of this with him because he wouldn't be ready for it before I'm gone. We finished the day with some egg coloring. Good day!
My oldest son's grad announcements came yesterday. I am jumping out of my skin excited for him to graduate. We also met with the counselor at a tech school that he plans to attend before going on to college in the spring of next year. We are working on a scholarship application. I'm am so excited for him!
My oldest daughter got some tough news this week. She is 22. She went in for a baseline mammogram to start the surveillance. She has had a cyst that we have watched for a few years now. However, the ultrasound turned up 2 solid tumors, one in each breast. It sent me into a spin. Logically, they are more than likely benign. But, it drove home how much stress this will be for her for decades to come. The biopsies are scheduled for the end of the month.
It's a bright, sunshiny, day and I intend to get out in it....dig in the dirt, and enjoy my yard. The wild flowers are starting to bloom on my hillside (I cheated a little and threw seed on it about 6 weeks ago, but shhhhhhhh).
0 -
I was diagnosed with bone mets three weeks ago. My boy is only 4 and I am totally completely heartbroken right now. We couldn't have a second child because of cancer so with me going our future of a house full of kids and family is going to be depleted, the thought of leaving my boy and husband on their own is so so sad. We were so happy. Thought we got over the cancer , were grateful for everyday of health and our boy and now this. He starts school in August and it is his fifth birthday in May. He is the most amazingly bright loving honest and wonderful little boy and I am heartbroken he won't have a mum. My husband broke down in tears in the car today saying how wrong it is he won't have two parents. I just want to see him go to high school, navigate him through relationships, send him off to unit with home cooked food and do his dirty washing and see him get married and cuddle him when things don't go to plan. Heartbroken totally, completely heartbroken and sad x
0 -
Torridon -- I don't believe stage 4 is nearly as grim as it once was. It can be treated and managed, just not cured. With all the treatments available to us now and more being developed all the time, you may have a good many years ahead of you yet!
0 -
what a great thread. I have a 19 yo son and 16 yo daughter who live with me and an 18 yo son who lives mostly with his dad.
My older two boys seem to have had more trouble coping with my diagnosis than my daughter. My oldest boy who is extremely bright has dropped out of university and is unemployed. He doesn't see the point in study anymore. This coinsided with me being admitted to hospital last September when the doctors didn't know if I would make it and the kids were bought in to say there last good byes. The fact that I have returned to good health and am working full time doesn't seem to have changed his thinking.
My daughter is a great help very practical and while she has so much school work is always ready to cook meals or do housework. She is in Japan at the moment on a school trip and I'm so greatful I was able to help her go. She is having a great time and deserves the break.
As a family we don't do photos but I'll see if I can find some to post
0 -
Torridon - I know how you feel.....I think heartbreaking is the best word. Yes, there are many treatment options for stage IV and I keep telling myself that, yet at the same time, I know its a crap-shoot. I remind myself every day, many times a day, that this is life and there are no guarantees.......I just can't believe it! HANG IN THERE! We will get through this....together. ((HUGS))
0 -
tarheelmichelle--thank you for the roses. One if my all time favorite smells! True about college. Would hate for all that money to be tied up in education and they take a different route! I just want them to be happy and to love learning!
I can't remember--were you going on an Inheritance of Hope retreat? Running events is their main fundraiser. Glad you and your son have the running in comman. That is awesome!
Romansma--so glad you got to have the talk...at 10! Wow, you are good! I would be fumbling my words! What a great foundation you are laying for him. Sorry to hear that your daughter has to fear any of this. Glad she is going for check-ups. Praying that the biopsies show benign!
Torridon--so so sorry you are here. Cancer sucks! Your son sounds like a great little man. It is all very upsetting and not fair at all. What is your treatment plan? It takes a while, but things calm down. You will adjust to your new normal. Sounds like you have a great hubby to support you. Just enjoy that little boy! We will be here to support you.
Shazzakelly--I have kept up with you on the taxol thread...wow what a run you have had! Your daughter sounds amazing! What a sweetheart for taking such good care of you! I'm not too surprised about your boys taking it so hard. I hate that the oldest has kind of shut down. Would he be open to some counseling? Maybe family counseling? I'm sure they were all terrified last year when they thought they were going to lose you! I would be traumatized from that for sure! Thanks for joining in!
Wildrumara--there are lots of treatments, but hearing that doesn't automatically make you feel better and everything ok. It sucks. And it's scary. We just have to help each other through. One day at a time.
Well I'm up because my 3yr old daughter threw up in her bed. I hate throw up! But luckily my mommie instincts take over and I just do it! But I'm terrified that it's norovirus and that I'll get it and miss treatment and miss my colonoscopy and upper endoscopy Tuesday! How freaking selfish is that!?!? Thankfully her daddy is taking care of her now, but just pisses me off that I even have to think about anything other than taking care if her! Stupid cancer!
***carolsue63--I missed you! So sorry! You are right. New treatments coming along all the time. It really is amazing. I've been at this now for 19 months, stage 4 from get go. I'm on perjeta which is a new drug...I've been stable and even had some periods if regression over the last year!!
I think for you newer girls, the boards can be a godsend or it can be doom and gloom. What I mean is that there are women on here who have been disease free for 5+ years and then there are women who are really struggling and preparing for the end. Just last week, we lost three women. It's heartbreaking! Sometimes people have to take a break from the boards because it's just too much sadness (again I'll speak for myself). I had to take a break last summer. 1--I wanted to spend all my time with my kids while they were on break. 2--I was having a hard time processing my own stuff and didn't have room to take in more info especially super sad stuff. Selfish? Maybe but I needed that time to focus on me and my family. Don't know if this is making sense.
0 -
Poor baby. Hope she is feeling better. Take care of yourself too....you can't get sick! Happy Easter everyone. My son is inspecting his basket now and waiting for the lazy bunny to hide the eggs........
0 -
Today was tough for me. First big holiday since stage 4 diagnosis. I spent most of the morning worrying that if I wasn't here the girls may not get cute, thoughtful Easter baskets, or have adorable matching dresses and bows to wear. Then the thought of how many more Easters do I have with them entered my mind. Then I became overwhelmed and wanted to just shut down - which would cause me to miss even more time with them - it's a nasty cycle! I just so desperately don't want their lives affected and the truth is that their entire world will change in time - everything. It's just been a hard, hard day so far.
0 -
I get it, today was rough for me too. I build things up in my mind and try so hard to make things just so. I am so painfully aware of the limited time that we have as a whole family. They are not. Not their fault. I've tried really hard to keep things very normal for them. My 17 year old wanted to go spend time with friends. I wanted all my kids together, just this one day. It really hurt my feelings that he didn't get it. My husband was on his side too and couldn't figure out why I needed him to stay home. They both hurt my feelings, but what do I say? I know that it's very possible that the next Easter Sunday we spend together could be very different. But they just don't get it.......sometimes it feels like they don't care, even though I know they do. The knowledge of things to come is a reality that I live with every day. Days like today remind me that my family's awareness of that reality is not the same as my own. It's good, for them......makes me sad and I get fantasies about running away.........
0
