Mothers with school aged children
Comments
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Romansma, I can relate to your post with kids not wanting to put the same emphasis on things that you do. Today we were taking pictures at the cottage before we left for home. It was me with my two girls (11 and 9), and my nephews( 16 and 13...whose mom, my sister, died three years ago from metastatic breast cancer). The kids were farting around making faces and being kids. It really bothered me, I wanted a nice picture, it was a beautiful day....and back in my mind I wanted a nice picture of us together for them to remember me, and this weekend. But they kept horsing around, then I got mad and we got an ok picture. I can't very well say out loud..".I may not be here next year please take a nice picture for me"...My internal dialogue is screaming it however, I just shelf that thought and go on...
Holidays can be stressful. I try hard to make all of them special, more special than usual, that may not be the best way to go...but that's the only way I know how to get through them now.
Diane
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I think the holidays will always be different for us. Like a couple of you noted, I find myself wanting to make my family really appreciate that this might be the last holiday that we are all together......they just dont feel the passage of time like I do, and I want life to be normal for them.......but I also want them to really appreciate it too.
I have been fighting a stomach flu thing this last weekend. My college girl was home, and my 6 and 11 yo still wanted to dye eggs. I was just so frustrated to not be feeling well. Now when we have all our kids together I always feel extra pressure to make it special. And since I had mets to my GI tract, I always feel kind of panicky when my stomach hurts.
So today I am tired and feeling out of sorts. Dh and I arent seejng eye to eye on some things and I cant handle any extra stress.
Hugs to all mamas
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My heart goes out to each young Mama with your beloved family, for making sure that you are instilling love and nurturing these precious offspring, while battling the very thing that's trying to take you away. I'm so thankful for this place to share. My children are raised, .and they are now parents. I feel the need to spend time with my grandchildren, to make sure they know who I am and how I love them. But as a mother, who had the time to raise my kids without the fear of this disease, I want that for each of you. Blessings to all of you...
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Romansma, I understand what you mean about the rest of the family not "getting it" - but I have taken a little comfort in that. At lease I'm not disrupting their lives too much. But at the same time, I've had moments when my husband will ask me why I'm sad or depressed and I'm like, "really!?!?" I don't want to be doom & gloom all the time, but I want them to respect my sense of urgency...
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kjones13, yes, my family is going to an Inheritance of Hope retreat next month in Orlando. I feel so lucky. Our city had an extraordinary amount of snow days which affected school schedule. Bottom line: my son won't be missing final exams because extra snow days extended school year. Good news. The trip is more than a vacay. We have a blended family and at one point we were all living together every other weekend. But my cancer and my husband's work schedule have created a situation where my son and his son only see each other every couple of months. This is devastating to all. My son realizes he has 2 years of high school left then will be out of the house. He doesn't understand why his younger stepbrother can't live with us, so he can spend time with him. /Sigh./
It seemd like almost all of us wanted perfect Easter photos of the family. I declare, sometimes I'm in tears about it. I rarely get "prettied up" and when my husband and son are looking nice I want a photo, and then the silly grimaces start. Of course I love the silly pics. But I think about the future and me, lying sick in bed and finding comfort in photos. And I want my son to feel the same way, I want him to look at photos and videos and remember our great times together. I know everybody else who loves me doesn't want to think about it. They want to pretend I'll never get sicker. I have to think about it because my son's image of me is important. I want normal, like Romansma talks about, but I have to think about the future, and my absence in that future. I try to tone down the wording. Instead of saying, "guys, I could be dead next Easter," I said "guys, I could be sick in bed next Easter."
Hugs to all. I know it's not easy for families. But it's tough to be a mommy with cancer. I wanna be a grandma, one day!
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I love how you guys all get it. Balancing the 'keeping it normal' so they can have their childhood with our own sense of urgency is tough at times...especially holidays and special occasions.
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it's been a tough couple of days I have been on a/a treatment since last July and it worked. I felt like anew person but last few days everything hurts especially lower back. I am scared the a/a treatment gave up in me. I hate cancer so much the worst part of it looking in my 8 year old face. It sucks when u loose control of your body. Well hope it's just few bad days that it.
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Stella, praying it's just a passing thing, achy flu or something and you feel better soon.
I'm glad so many of you have articulated the whole normal/could be dead thing. I feel like I'm constantly downplaying what's going on so that my daughter and stepkids can relax and enjoy whatever is going on, and besides, I really could have decades left if everything goes right. But at the same time when they go ahead and act as I've been encouraging them to, it makes me a little sad. I wish there were someone somewhere who could just tell me what to do to make this all work out right, or better yet make it all just go away. I guess we just have to work it out as best we can, but it sure is hard.
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Joining the thread late. I have 4 kids who are now 11, 9, 6, and 3. They were 8, 5, 2 1/2 and 3 months when I was originally diagnosed in 2010. I was diagnosed stage 4 with brain and liver mets in Dec 2012. So life with cancer is all my two littlest girls have ever known and my boys barely remember life before.
Thanks for starting the thread. It is hard to be a mom and dealing with our prognosis. And I feel for our families and supporters too.
I recently took my kids out of school for a month and traveled to Australia. Were were there for all of march. We pulled from retirement as all of our family had always wanted to go there and I decided we couldn't put it off. I am stable for now and doing well with my oral treatments. This was a good time to go. It was an awsome experience and I would recommend anyone to get away even if it is someplace you drive to. We made precious memories and had a good month where cancer was not a part of our life. I know going to a foreign place isn't an option for everyone, but I highly suggest you look into those programs that allow you the time away for your family.
As far as journaling/ making video tapes I haven't started that yet either. I have journals for all of my kids that i have a few entries in but I just can't get myself to write in them. I like to live today and not focus on what may/will come. I am putting it off for a bit.
Hugs to all of you and best wishes that you have a lot more time to make more memories with your kids.
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Wow, Leftfootforward- you have your hands full with four young children! A month long family trip sounds amazing!!!!!!
Stella, sorry you're having a rough couple days. Hang in there!
We took the kids to a local jazz festival last night. At first I was hesitant to get out, and my husband blew me off when I asked him to throw the stroller in the back... So it started off rough because there was carrying of tired 3 & 4 year olds and a lot of walking- but it actually ended up being really nice. I just have to shake off the Debby Downer mood when I feel it coming on. There is so much pressure to live life to the fullest, and make lasting memories, and be the person I want them to remember, and take lots of pictures... All the pressure is just as exhausting as the pain and the treatments sometimes. I'm a perfectionist and I know I do it to myself- but that's just how I feel.
~Amy
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I have changed my thinking about what to leave my kids...
I read an article about a mother who wrote a letter for her daughter to read every year on her birthday. Her daughter actually grew to dread the letters...
Have any of you seen P.S. I Love you? A husband knows that he is dying of a brain tumor and leaves his wife (via his MIL) several gifts and letters. It helps her heal, but only lasts 1 year.
I started a journal of 'letters' of advice to my boys, or my thoughts on things. Honestly, I haven't written much in them. Maybe some thoughts if they have gone thorough a hard time.
I feel like I am trying to instill all my wisdom and advice during the time I have.
Another thing that is kinda ironic...as you know my boys were 7 when I was dx...I planned on my Life insurance and 401K can cover their education. using savings to take vacations......here it is 6 years later and they are in 7th grade...what if I am still around when they do go to college? I may need a Plan B...A good problem to have right?
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I'm glad I'm not the only one scratching my head as to why I'm not very motivated to update journals and videos for my kids. I've started, but I haven't gotten far. I guess I'm so busy living for today and making memories with them that I don't have time. Or maybe it's something else. Anyone have an answer as to why it's so hard to journal and record things? As time passes, I feel less and less motivated. If I wait too long, I may not have the energy to do it.
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oh Stella. Hoping you just have a bug or something. Hoping for NO progression for you. It is so hard to look children in the eye and smile while you are thinking is this our last ( you fill in the blank ) together. Ugh. Praying for you.
Cajun Queen. Sounded like you had fun. Yea !!! It is so hard for me to get out much due to the nearly constant pain but when I do have to get out it always makes me feel better. Emotionally if course. Physically it is much worse but well worth it. Great picture time right. Can't seem to get enough happy fun pics
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Romans mom- I for one have a hard time journaling because I kinda feel like it means I am giving up. The other honest answer is that I don't want to put the thought I won't be here out into the universe. I konw that sounds funny and doesn't make sense but I fear that that is a kind of self fullfilling prophesy. I don't know if anyone else feels that way or not. So instead, I try to spend my time enjoying the present and not worrying about the future too much. I go through guilt cycles however when I feel like I should be journaling and video taping. I should be working on something that they can have after I am gone. I feel like i am a bad mom if I don't. Plus, I don't want them to forget me. On the other hand, if I spend too much time in that place, I find I can't get out of bed. I miss enjoing what is currently going on. I miss the little celebrations. That is the reason I think I hesitate to journal. I fight the depression that stage 4 diagnosis brings every day. If I write about things as if I am not here, I find I give into that depression. So, I journal sometimes when I feel up to it. I find that I mostly write positive stuff about what I love about who my kids are/ what they are doing; the Type of joy I get while watching them.
On another note: does anyone have fears about their spouses moving on and their children forgetting them. I want my family to contiue to live if/when I am gone. But it pains me so much to think that my littlest one might not remember me. That my kids won't remember who their mom was. I am a year and a half out of my stage 4 diagnosis and I fear that my stable condition might end at any time. Just wondering if I was the only one who is conflicted with these types of feelings.
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I hope my spouse does move on. Honestly. If I was in his shoes,....I would want to be happy again. I want him to be happy again.
Our children wont forget us. We will always be their mothers. Nothing can change that.
I did a scrapbook of me...my childhood through now.. and all of the memories that we are making now.
Ladies, the first couple of years I worried most about leaving my boys. With each year I watch them grow I feel more confident they will be okay. No matter what. They will.
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On the subject of spouse moving on, I'm conflicted, if I'm honest. I worry about how it will make my youngest feel if, when I'm gone, dad meets someone new. I want him to be happy. We are still young, and the thought of not being in a relationship seems kinda lonely. But, I get twinges of jealousy too. I hate admitting that, but it's true. I give myself a little break on these feelings because I'm only human.....the thought of him with someone else now would make me crazy, so why wouldn't I feel the same way about later?
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These are my girls aged 5,6 and 9 and my DH. This is a great thread. x
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Beautiful family, Kiakahu!
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Good morning ladies - Everything you say resonates with me. I was diagnosed stage IV less than one month ago with liver mets only. I'm going in for liver resection on Friday and as the day draws closer, I find myself in tears more often. I started a Caring Bridge page over the weekend so we can communicate better with family/friends, but ever since doing that, I feel more "depressed". It made this Stage IV diagnosis much more real......and of course, reading the responses I received from people, although I am grateful for care and concern, as you know, most people just don't get it. All the words saying "your are strong" you got this, you'll beat this'.....blah, blah. I feel like maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make the page. I know people mean well and their intentions are good, but most people don't get this. Maybe this is an opportunity to educate them about metastatic breast cancer!!! Anyway, right now, I am feeling great physically, but after Friday, the reality of this beast will hit me again when I have to recover from this tough surgery. I went through stage II treatment 2-1/2 years ago, so I know what is down the road for me again as far as chemo......(hopefully way down the road). Anyway, my boys are almost 16 and 13 and I have an 11 year old daughter. The boys are ok.....putting on a good front, I think. We talk about it, but don't really talk about how they are feeling...yet. My daughter is a very bubbly, free spirit kind of girl, but very sensitive. She knows my cancer has returned, but doesn't know the details. She had a crying episode in school the other day (certain things will prompt her sadness) and fortunately, she's got great teachers. I hate the fact that she's so worried about me......its breaking my heart. I know my boys will be fine....its her I worry about the most. I'm grieving already and I can't do that...one day at a time!!! Arrrghhh! Sorry for venting.
I loved looking at all the pics....you have beautiful families!
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Carol sue- I meant to post that I really loved your head covering in the picture at your son's dance. You look fabulous. I went to my niece's wedding this past weekend and was dreading wearing prosthetics and a wig and heels all at once! Turned out okay and my wig managed NOT to get knocked off my head with all the hugging from relatives and my one 'fast' dance. I saw your headwrap and thought - now that I could wear to a wedding. In the end the wig was fine and I know my niece won't have to hear any comments from potentially insensitive in-laws about how it took attention away from the groom. Hee hee.
Annie
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Wildruma, I will be thinking about you this week and hoping that the surgery goes well. I worry about my youngest the most, too. Sometimes I feel bad about not worrying about the older ones as much, but I know they've got the tools (and distractions) to deal with this. I've also got a Caringbridge site and I'm very reluctant to post, which only makes it worse for me because I have to field more and more calls, texts, and emails. I'm feeling more and more like a hermit these days. Still trying to figure why. Think I will try to post today.......just seems crazy......I still have cancer......I still hurt daily......the end.
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Thank you, Annie! I had so much fun that night. It was my son's Jr. Cotillion ball. One of the other mothers, somebody I'd never met before, came over and told me how beautiful I looked and said I looked very "old Hollywood". It was one of the nicest compliments I've ever received and actually made me happy to be bald for a moment. :-)
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Hi all
I don't have kids but wanted to share some links that might be of interest:
Young mom with mets blogs for CURE Magazine:
http://www.curemagazine.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/b...
Husband's perspective:
Suzanne was an occasional poster here. Her husband offers some advice from his experiences:
http://mbcnbuzz.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/lessons-f...
Camp Kesem: free summer camp at locations across the US for kids whose parents have/had cancer. I would guess slots are probably full for this year's camps but doesn't hurt to check:
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What's everyone doing for Mothers' Day this year? I'm a bit scared that MD will be an emotionally draining time for all of us. My son has a Mothers' Day school mass this Wednesday, hope I don't end up a blubbering mess, from all the sympathy!
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I'm kind of glad my kids are a bit older but as a single mom I worry about how things are going to work when things start going wrong. I had a clinic appointment this morning and as it appears I have an infection I've ended up staying in hospital over night. I'll be home tomorrow but they have had to sort themselves out tonight at short notice.
My oldest boy has already had to call an ambulance for me in the middle of the night which he found quite frightening.
I have a great bunch of friends and their father had really come to the party since my diagnosis but I really wonder how we are all going to cope when we reach the business end of stage 4
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Shazza, I worry about that, too. And right now, my daughter at 14 is great at hiding her fear and decent at focusing on other things while I'm still up and feeling good, but when it goes bad it will be in everyone's face and unavoidable. I'm hoping my husband, who is dedicated but has health problems of his own, will be able to take the brunt of things with help from hospice or medical people, but I worry about how it will be.
Fitzy, I'm assuming my husband will be scheduled for work part of the day so I'll use that time to stop in with my mother (stressful) and then try and have some nice together time with my own little family. One thing bc had been good for is pushing me to give myself permission not to spend every Mother's Day hanging out all day long celebrating my own mother, but instead adding in some things I enjoy with dd, dh, and stepkids when possible (they're adults now and their mom is in another state).
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Love all the pics! Here's my daughter (14) attacking the mountain. I hope she'll be as strong as she looks in this picture. My husband had double sided pulmonary emboli twice last year. Between him and me, well, we're not getting any younger.
English Major, thanks for the article by Suzanne's husband. I love what he said: Lean hard into joy.
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so school is almost out for the summer. Am I the only one having mixed emotions about this? I have always been so excited for summer break to spend time with my boys (12 & 9). This year however I am ready to see them more often but am freaking out about them being home all day. Now I usually rest and sleep during the day so I have the energy to spend about 3 hours in the evening with them. I hate the idea of them sitting around all summer watching me sleep or be sick or be in uncontrollable pain. Due to pain med causing dizziness I hesitate to sign them up for some fun classes throughout the summer for fear of not being able to deive them so just throwing money down the drain. Anybody else freaking out over this too ? How are others planning for summer break?
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I've been thinking about summer break too. Wanted to take a few trips. My husband can't get any time off work, but I want to go anyways. I'm worried about driving. I need to space the pain meds so I can drive and I'm worried that will make me miserable. Sitting for too long might be an issue too.
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I was diagnosed in 2010, I have 3 children. My son is 14, daughter is 11 and youngest daughter is 8. I wonder sometimes, if I should start a jounral, or letters, etc. I am going tomorrow for a bone scan for back pain in my spine, and the thought of this ugly disease rearing its head again scares me to death. All I can think about is how do I tell my kids again?
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